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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 16 Part 1

by Noelle


Falyn

Things had gotten way out of hand in the past few days. Falyn knew that there would be danger if she went along with Akia, but she wanted to get away from the man who’d attacked her back home. She also knew that Akia could protect her from all of this, from the people who were after her. That’s one of the only reasons she went along.

Akia was out cold in the middle of the forest floor. Falyn didn’t blame her. She knew enough about magic to know how much energy it took to create a tornado that swallowed up that man who was trying to kill her.

Sam and Zeke were sitting next to Akia, whispering about something. It was rather suspicious. When did they become such good friends?

Falyn figured she’d be the one in charge of watching Archie. No one else seemed to care about him.

They’d knocked him out when the man had tackled Akia. Archie had made the mistake of turning his attention away. Sam was the one who did it, picking up a large branch and slamming it into the side of Archie’s head.

That’s when he’d run away to help Akia, leaving Falyn and Mina to deal with a grown man lying on the ground like a rag doll.

Falyn sank to the ground, leaning up against a tree across from the man she grew up with. The thought really hadn’t sunk in yet, that Archie wasn’t her father. She understood that he wasn’t her father, but she hadn’t quite accepted it yet. How can someone so close to her be someone so far?

“What’re we gonna do with those other guys?”

Falyn looked up to see Mina standing there, her eyes looking at the members of the Force that had followed Archie into the woods. They were both lying on the ground, but unlike their leader, they were still conscious. It was obvious that someone, probably Sam, cast a sleeping spell on them, keeping them from doing any harm to any of them. They would wake up eventually though. Hopefully they’d be far away at that point.

“No idea,” Falyn admitted. “I guess just leave ‘em here for someone else to find.”

Mina laughed. “I can see it now. They’ll wake up in a few hours, ready to jump at us. But we won’t be here. Can’t you just imagine their confusion?”

“What about him?” Falyn pointed to Archie. “I’m not sure if I can leave Agathi without him. What if we never see each other again?”

“Leave—leave Agathi? That’s what we’re doing?”

Falyn looked at her, dumbfounded. “Yes, haven’t you been listening? We’re going to Lightport.”

“But the river,” Mina hissed. “We won’t be able to make it over. We’re mages; mages can’t cross.”

Falyn hadn’t thought about that before now. She had been following Akia blindly, not thinking of anything that would stand in their way. She cursed herself for being so stupid.

Then again, maybe Akia had some magic up her sleeve that could get them across. Falyn was sure Akia and Sam could make it across the river. They weren’t mages after all; the barrier wouldn’t apply to them. And they had to have gotten over to Agathi somehow.

“I just—let me talk to Sam,” Mina said, finally regaining her composure. “He’ll know something at least. And he’ll listen to me.” Falyn had all but forgotten that Mina and Sam were friends before all this happened. Now that she knew that Sam wasn’t really from Agathi, he seemed like a completely different person.

She watched Mina stalk over and interrupt whatever Sam and Zeke were talking about. It didn’t seem like they appreciated it, but they did turn to listen to her. Zeke’s eyes found Falyn’s and she turned away, blushing.

When had this happened? Zeke had always been the odd one out. No one really knew why he was there and why he had chose to tag along with them. He’d turned out to be quite a help though. He saved Akia and Falyn from Rhys and was also able to help fight off the Force. Whether they wanted to admit it or not, Zeke was an integral part of the journey.

“You like that boy, don’t you?”

Falyn nearly jumped out of her skin. Looking up, she realized that Archie was awake. His face was plain, no emotion showing through. She couldn’t tell if he was trying to have a serious conversation with her or if he was just teasing her. Either way, she didn’t feel like talking to him.

“I thought it was Sam you were after,” Archie continued. “I know his name came up a lot back home.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t my father?” Falyn asked, not able to hold it in her any longer. Archie raised his eyebrows.

“It’s because of Akia, isn’t it,” he said, completely ignoring her question. “She’s spending all her time with Sam and you can’t stand it.”

Falyn pursed her lips. “Sam doesn’t want me. He’s with Akia now. They’re best friends. He doesn’t need anyone else.”

Archie nodded. “So this is about Akia. You know, I can get rid of her for you. If you let me go, I’ll arrest her, throw her in prison, and you can have Sam. And all of this will go away. You can have me back. We can start a family—a real family. I can convince Professor Lankis to let you into extra schooling. You deserve to be there. We can get our lives back. Isn’t that what you want?”

What do I want? All of that sounded good to Falyn, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted it all. Not after finding out that Rhys was after her, that she was more important than she had thought. She couldn’t just drop everything and head back to the life she had had. Who would defend Akia? Akia could take care of herself, sure, but Rhys was a lot stronger than she’d admit. Without someone like Falyn to distract him, he’d kill Akia in five minutes.

No, she couldn’t leave. Akia was part of her new family. Falyn would make a new life for herself over in Lightport. It was the only option. Sure she could go home and start again with her father—Archie, with Archie. But he couldn’t protect her from the Hund Warriors (whoever they were). She’d be back in the same situation she was in the beginning.

Not to mention, she’d have to go back to school. She wasn’t sure that she could show her face around Professor Lankis again. She still thought that Falyn wasn’t ready for extra schooling. Falyn wouldn’t survive school if she was being held back. And it wouldn’t be the same without Sam.

Sam. Falyn looked passed the tree at the boys sitting with Akia. They were still talking, mumbling back and forth about something that Falyn still couldn’t make out. She wanted to know what they were talking about, but the only way to do that would be to get close to them. No doubt they’d give up their conversation if they saw her coming.

“You don’t wanna leave them, do you?” Archie asked. His voice was anything but caring. In fact, it came out as an accusing question.

“No, I don’t,” Falyn responded, sitting up straight. “They are my friends.”

Archie raised an eyebrow. “They’ve done nothing but put you in danger.”

“But they always got me out of it. They even fought you off.”

Archie shook his head. “I’ve never lost, my dear. This is all part of the plan. You will never make it over the river.”

Falyn narrowed her eyes. She couldn’t tell if he was taunting her or if he was being serious. He laughed at the look on her face.

“You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’d lie to you? Despite what you might believe my dear, I still care about you. I am your father after all.

“You are not my father!”

“Your parents were nice people, Falyn,” Archie said quietly. “They cared about you. But their work wasn’t finished back in Lightport. They had no choice. They had to leave. So they entrusted you in my care.”

Falyn’s breath came in heavy gasps as she tried to comprehend what Archie had said. He sounded like he was her father; like he hadn’t tried to arrest her friends or ordered the Force to attack them all. It confused her. How could he switch his feelings so quickly?

“They split up you and your sister though. She was sent to—”

“Sister?” Falyn snapped, cutting him off. “I have no sister.”

“Oh, but you do. And you’ve been around her for long enough, you just haven’t noticed.”

---------

For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,470


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Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:26 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! I might have a snow day tomorrow or on Thursday so I might be able to review a lot those days but I'm not really sure that there will be snow days those days. Sorry, I reviewed this so late. I've been procrastinating a lot so now I have to make up 5 reviews tomorrow if I don't get them done in the next hour or so(5 reviews a day! :D) Anyways....Let's see what we have right here!

That first line. XD I mean things have gotten way out of hand just a tiny bit. Not too much. Don't worry. >,< I mean let us see what has happened that is kind off minor... Falyn found out her father isn't her real father, that she is the moonstar and people want to kill her. OH NOT THAT MUCH OUT OF HAND! Also why did you have to explain why Falyn was staying with Akia? I mean, it is kind off self explanatory.

I'm just curious. Why is it such a big deal that Archie is not Falyn's genetic father? I mean children get adopted all the time and I bet Falyn has got to feel some sort of a connection to Archie. Did Archie try to take advantage of her powers or something? I didn't see him do that. I think he was just doing what he was told and he didn't gain anything out of it. Archie and Falyn still should have some sort of daughter-father connection.

Wait a second... Does Falyn like Zeke? That better not be happening! Zeke is meant to be forever alone. I am sorry Zeke but he cannot have friends at the moment until he proves himself. ESPECIALLY NO GIRLFRIENDS THAT ARE TAKEN BY ANOTHER SHIP! Also, why is Zeke with them? They are always so rude to him and he just tags along anyways. I mean they are just being rude and abusing him! That's all! DARN IT! ARCHIE! NOT YOU TOO! DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT FALYN LIKES ZEKE!

DONT DO IT FALYN! Archie will throw you in jail with Akia when he does that. Then again, it might be easier to keep her as a daughter so he doesn't have to explain why she isn't there anymore.

SHE HAS A SISTER(excuse my caps)?! Oh my gosh! Maybe it's Mina or Akia! Don't be Mina. Please don't be. That is my temporary ship right now and I don't want it to be ruined. I love the surprise info about how Archie got Falyn and stuff. I KNEW THAT ARCHIE STILL CARED! I KNEW IT! WOOOO! I love how much information is shown here when we have only gone through half a chapter!

Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant




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Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:19 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

Yayyyyy. More from Falyn’s point of view. Makes me mucho happy. I was missing her.

She knew enough about magic to know how much energy it took to create a tornado that swallowed up that man who was trying to kill her.


“I thought it was Sam you were after,” Archie continued. “I know his name came up a lot back home.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t my father?” Falyn asked, not able to hold it in her any longer. Archie raised his eyebrows.


There! Now I remember who they are. Really, if you had used that wonderful example in the other part, I wouldn’t have been confused in the slightest. Archie was her pretend father… of course! It all makes such beautiful sense now. So, if you went and used that same example in the previous chapter, it would fix it right up and I would remember without any problems at all.

Ohhhh…. I see what Archie is doing! And it’s brilliant…. Of course Falyn is getting jealous of Akia and Sam talking more, especially since Falyn always had Sam there for her before. And so having Archie go and try and convince her to let him take Akia and arrest her. It’s absolutely perfect! Now if she will go with it…. Let’s keep reading!

Oh my…. I don’t know what to think of Archie anymore. He seems like such a kind guy in there. I am glad you included the part where Falyn thought he was kind of flipping around backwards…. He was being quite weird. But it also made me think that perhaps he wasn’t such a bad guy? I dunno. He just seems to have done a complete flip of character and almost like a completely different person. He is being kind to her, almost like he is confiding in her and laying all his cards on the table for her to see. Holding nothing back. The fact that he says he was supposed to watch over her is also very shocking, but excellent and another wonderful addition to your book. Really, everything adds so much to your story. Ever little bit you put in there just builds it up even bigger than it is now.

I don’t have anything else to say, really. This chapter is so close to perfect. And that ending. Gah, another wonderful cliffhanger. I hate them, but at the same time, I love them. It gives me something to look forward to in the next chapter and makes me want to continue reaaaading.

And now the ultimate question waits for me: Is her sister Akia or Mina? (that is her name, right?)

~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue Aug 12, 2014 3:32 am
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Oh wow! Are you saying Akia is her sister???? What?!?! Or is it Mina? Ooohhh!! You can't do this cliffhanger stuff to me! Ok. Rant over, sorry. I loved this chapter. Archie is really mixing me up though. Good? Bad? Like, I don't know. I really like the way he's making her think hard about things. And us too! And could he really care for her? Or even actually be her father? I love this chapter so much! Zero complaints for this one. Dont even know what else to say. Going on to read the next part!

PeanutPhoebe




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Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:15 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Noelle!

It's roundabout time I caught up to this novel. So here I am ;)

It's Akia isn't it? Akia is her sister! Oh wowzies. D: (Has a small nudge that it could be Mina too, but wouldn't they keep one person with them at Lightport?)

I like how Archie is meddling with her mind, playing games and hoping to get his way through it. Telling her she has a sister, which is probably true, and saying her parents enlisted her into his care. Which then, might make Falyn feel like he does have some fathership (I know it's not a word) or something over her... I hope not. Also, I like how you did make Falyn think she couldn't possibly leave Archie behind. Although he might not really be her father, of course she is still going to feel ties to him. Knowing this new information doesn't just break away the bonds.

I wish we could start seeing more of Falyn and Sam. We seem to see her interacting with all the other characters possible, excepting him. Now, it could be because they fancy each other and you're trying to make it seem like he is really wrapped up in the mission. But seeing as they are mates I would've thought they would've exchanged at least some more words between each other since all of these happenings have been going on. So, maybe just give them a conversation in there somewhere or sometime soon?

She knew enough about magic to know how much energy it took to create a tornado that swallowed up that man who was trying to kill her.


This sentence is rather long and a mouthful to say all in one go. My suggestion to cut it down of the small unnecessary words: She knew enough about magic to know how much energy it took to create a tornado that swallowed up the man trying to kill her. It's still pretty long and if you can think of other ways to cut down some words, it would be advised.

I feel like Falyn's emotions about her father could be played on a bit more. Especially here in the chapter when you have the perfect opportunity to add it all in there. It's a big deal to find out who you thought was your father isn't. It's like suddenly being told your adopted, and not with perfect timing either when all this is happening around them all. Also, it's questionable if Archie's motives are in her best interest. At least with an adoptive parent you know that everything they are doing is still for you. So, I feel like Falyn should be more heartbroken that she's been lied to her whole life, and now finds out she had a sibling she had no clue about until now, and also that her so-called father may not be living for her as much as other genuine fathers do. Just imagine all the thoughts and emotions she must be experiencing. I want to know these! I feel like she might be sad and angry all at once.

It’s because of Akia, isn’t it,”


This was phrased like a question, so I suggest you put a question mark to it?

“You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’d lie to you? Despite what you might believe my dear, I still care about you. I am your father after all.


Just missing a quotation mark at the end of that speech.

Aaand... that's all I really have to say! Apart from the fatherly confusion thing and also the whole Sam conversation, this chapter was very good. I hope this quality of writing keeps up and I better read on to satisfy my cliffhanger ending pains.

Deanie x




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:30 pm
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Alchemist wrote a review...



Heya Noelly, Noellie! :D U know why am here.

So Falyn here pointed out that, now that they left Agathi, Sam looked like a completely different person. So far, readers would get that, but give us some explanation, what did Falyn notice to have changed? Maybe he isn't as dumb as she had thought? Well, he surely isn't. I guess it was only mask he had to wear back then, but he is definitely something exceptional.

You really, really need to work on her relations with father. It is maybe the only big complaint I have to your work, you know? Here especially, she is talking about how she might not be able to get over learning that he's not her father, and how she can't leave Agathi without him. But her actions are different. He lies there, some branch being smashed into his head few minutes ago. If it was my father, or the person who adopted me and loved me, I would panic, and I would be angry.

I think his reaction during the fight was strange too. Niro just told him during the fight "hey you know you are not her dad" and he was just "ha ofc I'm not you noob" Well something like that, right? Wouldn't he like to persuade Falyn he is actually her father? Or explain something? Or persuade her to come back with him? Anything?

Their conversation was strange. Archie suggests removing Akia? Really? Though him noticing about Zeke was very father like, and it's a step in the right direction. I just think this conversation has to be more personal instead of informative, you know?

I hope you reconsider these few things. I really wan't to help you any way I can so that you have the best possible work, and this is the flaw I think must be corrected!

Cya at the next one, Noelly! :)

Oh and yes, style is as good as ever!

-Alchemist




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Wed Jul 16, 2014 12:13 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



O.O Is it Akia? It's Akia, isn't it. Sorry, this is very exciting! Falyn has a long lost sister (if Archie's telling the truth)! I wasn't expecting that at all, to be honest. Now I have to wait. :(

I'm glad Falyn got a chance to talk to her adopted father. I think she still hasn't really realized, and frankly, neither have I... Probably the only thing I've found that I don't like about this chapter, is that I'm really not sure if Archie is the enemy, or if he is just the 'oblivious police' dude who wants to put the good guys in prison, and get his daughter back. I mean, it's obvious that he was trying to trick Falyn in to letting him go, but I'm not entirely sure that he isn't acting out of, well, love.

It just would be nice if it was a little clearer where Archie stands. I understand that you might be doing that on purpose, so what I'm saying, is if you're not trying to make it confusing, and if it's suppose to be a situation where there reader is yelling: "No! Stop. DON'T DO IT," than I think it would be better clearer. As to how you'd clear it up... maybe if there's a little blip where Archie's talking to one of his men, and it doesn't really sound like he's being all that fatherly...? I don't know.

Anyway, that's all I have to complain about... and I don't even think it's a huge problem- if it is a problem at all! >.< I really enjoyed this chapter! :-D

Keep being awesome, Noelle!!! ( !!!! )

-Socks




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Mon Jul 14, 2014 3:19 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle, Wolf here finally for a review after I furiously finished typing my LMS entry!

Oh my goodness, the irony is killing me! I can totally see the ship couple of Falyn and Zeke! (Zalyn?) You do a really great job with this, showing how Zeke is still a traitor, but their group wouldn't have survived without him, and Falyn is so totally falling for him and they would make a perfect couple!! *squeals* Fangirling over.

Noelle, one of these days, I will seriously kill you. That. Ending. How dare you! Oh goodness, just reading that I was engaged and you kept up the tempo very nicely and I could not stop. You do an amazing job conveying this emotion into this work, really bringing your characters to life. Like Falyn, I too am struggling to decide whether to trust this Archie guy or not. You need to get the next chapter out soon, please!

Only really one point I can critique on (and this literally came to me after ten minutes of staring at your work mauling it over), but Zeke and Sam are talking in the beginning, while Akia is out cold. Then in the end Akia is awake talking to Sam, and Falyn's not the least bit surprised? Maybe even a random thought goes, 'Oh, Akia's awake! And she's talking to Sam... Great -_-' Something like that? Makes it flow and connect better with everything else.

Well, I've successfully rambled on. Great chapter, once again, and I need the next part out. Don't torture me like this, especially with Zeke! Keep Writing Stupendously!
~Wolfare




Noelle says...


Akia isn't actually awake yet. I was trying to describe that the boys were sitting by her, sort of watching out for her, waiting for her to wake up. Guess I should make that more clear, huh?



Wolfare1 says...


Ohhhh, I understood that they were actually talking, so yes, make that more clear xD



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Mon Jul 14, 2014 1:10 am
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here for another review Noelle! I am excited to see what happens next! As soon as I saw that this was up I headed over to review it. :) I certainly hope this helps you! Btw is this still for TlMSC or not? I noticed you didn't say so anywhere. I hope you didn't get nocked out!

Sam was the one who did it, picking up a large branch and slamming it into the side of Archie’s head.
Yipes! That has got to hurt a lot! Good for Sam though! He kind of reminds me of the LOTR Sam.

“What’re we gonna do with those other guys?”
I think I know who is talking here though you don't make it clear right hear. Pun intended.

We’re mages; mages can’t cross.”
That hit Falyn like a ton of bricks! She totally did not see that one coming!

Sure she could go home and start again with her father—Archie, with Archie.
Using Archie twice in this sentence is a little bit too repetitive here in my opinion.

She still thought that Falyn wasn’t ready for extra schooling.
I am a little confused. Aren't you writing this from Falyn's POV?

They had no choice. They had to leave. So they entrusted you in my care.”
No! Don't listen to him that is just a fake story Archie made up. He is a lousy liar!

“Oh, but you do. And you’ve been around her for long enough, you just haven’t noticed.”
Akia?! That is interesting enough to know. The plot thickens!

Overall I am really enjoying this story. You could speed up the pace a little bit, but it is alright for now. This story is full of action and adventure! I look forward to reading more. I like your style of righting. I love your characters because of how they react realistically not in a way that gets them out of every tough situation like it is normal routine, though they still manage to survive. I can't wait to see what happens next. Btw have you considered publishing this? I think it might be good enough to publish if you edit out the few mistakes you made. Happy writing!!! :D





A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles