Change?

A/N: So this is a poem I wrote off of the top of my head. So I'm sure you guys can make it better and more powerful. :)

You think Change is a gift;
Always saving us from the wrath of consistency,
Always breaking down the doors of traditional ways,
Always pulling us up to the surface after drowning in a boring past.

But I tell you, Change is not always a treasure worth possessing
It's not always a blessing that brings wave of grace,
It's not always a sunshine that shoves through a treacherous storm.

Change is rather a curse;
An unpredictable burden that takes everything out of our hands,
And forces us to start over,
It causes us to lose what we so greatly loved.
It pushes us out of comfort zones and lifestyles,
And all we see are tears blurring the hope.

I say to you, Change can be a start;
A new morning with light crashing through darkness,
An eraser wiping across a hateful past to save the future.
But listen to me!
If you'd only listen to me...
Change can be an end.

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Wed Aug 13, 2014 7:57 pm

Aley wrote a review...

Hey Writer~

I'm sorry about your poem not ending up with a review in the exchange. I'm here with Skorlir to help get you the reviews you wanted.

Overall I think your poem sort of missed the mark. You start out by saying that we believe something, which, to tell you the truth, most of us don't believe. For instance, a lot of people are afraid of change and resent change so much that they don't even want to move out of abusive relationships. Nearly everyone gets stuck in a loop of going to work and coming home, doing the same thing day after day. Habits are hard to break and change, is breaking habits, so in contrast to what your original line is saying, no, we don't think change is a gift. We think change is an occasionally necessary, annoying, uncomfortable thing. A lot of humans work towards tradition just to avoid change.

So, the wrath of consistency is actually an interesting image. Wrath of change is another image that's just as easy to see, and just as quick to pick up on because if one of them can be personified, so can the other.

Overall, this belief of what we believe of change is dragging down the poem. Telling people what they think, any "You think" type statement is going to put a hiccup in the poem. People are, after all, unique, and that uniqueness imbeds itself in motivations and beliefs and those are all things that are so under the surface that we can only speculate, and to speculate as an absolute when your readers are Everyone, is to cut out your readers.

Also you've started with a confrontational tone "You think this" implies "I know better." This tone cuts out readers from the "in the know" crowd and separates them from "me" which is just going to turn readers away form the poem.

In total, I'd like to see you rework the poem and start with more of the last message. Start with an idea that shows "change can be a start" and how change can go either way, the start of the end, or the start of something new. If you take these things and show us, then we're going to be more likely to, well, listen, and isn't that the point of the poem?

My overall suggestion is to A: Take the idea and find an image, some purely human act that shows us change. It can be fantasy, it can be overused, it can be something completely new, but start with that one image that shows change. If you have issues with that, then ask yourself, how would I draw this?
Or maybe, how would I write this into a short story?

B: Rewrite the poem with just that image.

C: Edit the poem and take out all other images that snuck their way in.

After you've tried this, post it up and submit it to the Poetry Exchange Club ^.-

Thewriter13 says...

Aley, thank you very much for reviewing my poem. I appreciate the time you spent reviewing this

I will say "You" wasn't directed at everyone, but in fact one person I know. I guess I did a terrible job then, if you believed it to be directed at everyone...I'll definitely work on what you mentioned, and I'll do my best to get it done soon

Thank you!

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Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:29 am

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skorlir wrote a review...

As I promised, I'll be filling in for whoever it was that stiffed you the review you were meant to receive from the Poetry Exchange Club. (I'm sure they didn't do it on purpose.)

I have read all the other reviews, and only one (@ThereseCricket's) touches at all upon the very core of what your poem needs in order to improve. And that review does not go far.

Before I continue, I should mention something I have noticed:

Every error or issue in your poem could be addressed by reviewing the first stanza. And no more.

Yes, that first condemning stanza... betrays this poem's every flaw.

So why, with so many reviews, has not a single person pointed out a thing worth really changing? Something that bereaves you of the air in your lungs for just a moment, as you are struck full-on by the depths of your mistakes?

Well, there are two reasons.

(1) You have actually written a good poem. Flawed, but good.
(2) I have yet to review it.

And with that tantalizing fanfare, I bring you to the start of my actual review.

Take with salt; mind the edges.

I struggle with a desire to review only your first stanza. As I noted above, it is all, in theory, I should need to review.

... I guess, at the very least, it is a sensible place to start.

You think Change is a gift;
Always saving us from the wrath of consistency,
Always breaking down the doors of traditional ways,
Always pulling us up to the surface after drowning in a boring past.

Now, to pontificate: I could pound my fists upon a pedestal and perorate at length to you; why— I could find words longer than the quantity of years you've lived upon this earth, to berate you for every iota of microscopic imperfection to the point of stupefaction! (Assuming proximity to a dictionary, of course.)

But that wouldn't be very helpful, would it? Neither of us would understand what I was saying.

And that is what is wrong with your poem. Neither of us understands what you are saying.

What's that, you say?:

"But hey! How rude~~!" You huff, "and, to boot, absolutely senseless! Why, many people have understood my poem just fine, you quarrel-hungry, blithering buffoon!"

Why— I suppose it's nearly true... You have (almost) accurately (not to mention brilliantly and hypothetically) chastised me for quite a major error. Indeed, I nearly missed it.

Except; you are not quite right, to say that "people have understood [your] poem." That is simply untrue. What they have understood, rather, is what you meant by your poem.

Have I confused you? (Or me?)

Alas, all of this discussion and hypothetical conversation is pretty useless... All that can save us is honest, true-to-God-entirely-accurate, word-by-word analysis. I have the inspiration, and I have the equipment. My dictionary is just a browser tab away.

Let us begin the ominous exegetic examination.

You think Change is a gift;

Yes, yes; quite alright. Your semicolon usage is correct, and even more, you wield your punctuative power to an actual effect. Whoever it was, before me, who questioned whether to replace the semicolon with a question mark, did make a worthy suggestion (although was wrong to think that what you have is in any way erroneous). This line would work rather well as a rhetorical question. But! No use wasting time on a line which is, in all truth, quite alright.

I'm afraid the lauds and flowers stop now. (At least for the time being.)

Always saving us from the wrath of consistency,

Hmmm? A personification of "consistency?" What is this? I am intrigued...

Let us continue.

Always breaking down the doors of traditional ways,

At first, this seems alright.

But then, upon inspection, I find myself babbling: "BUT WHAT. WHAT. WAT."

Aherm. I should hold my tongue; I'll return to this in just a bit.

Always pulling us up to the surface after drowning in a boring past.

Wha— who pulls whom to where from whence; to wit, which drowned and was rescued thence?

...

Ah... we have fallen prey to a spunky cluckle of grievous errors indeed.

Error(s) the first! (Or, things that are wrong with line two.)

What wrath bears consistency? There is consistent wrath, sure; the wrath of God, the wrath of Man, the wrath of Khan — all of these, I know, and would readily accept.

But the wrath of consistency itself? Hwat does it me-an?

You tantalize me with that line - that flowing, curious, and not-at-all obvious depiction of "the wrath of consistency." Why, I wondered so much what the "wrath of consistency" would look like, I Googled it!

...Unfortunately, all that Googling "consistency's wrath" got me was an audio recording of a Baptist Pastor reading a collection of verses from one of the least well-known books of the Christian Bible. (For the record, the book is called "Nahum." I had to look it up; I thought the guy was a quack.)

This is an egregious error. You can't just... leave me hanging like that! Use your words against me, but then not support them! Why, it's about the same as thrusting the Earth into Atlas' lap, then asking him "Atlas, please STAND UP."

But this is only the beginning of the curious and rather inconsistent set of strange goings-on permeating your first stanza...

Error(s) the Second! (Or, things that are wrong with line three.)

Your words sound... quite beautiful, here. Change is breaking down doors! Hurrah! Hurrah! Two hips, hurr — ah, but wait.

But no. This does not make the sense pancakes. Not at all.

Allow me to lay it out for you. (I had to lay it out a couple times for me, so I'm assuming you will need the same before you understand.)

"Traditional ways" are a set of "doors." Doors, I believe we will agree, indicate a way, a path. The doors, then, of traditional ways, should set us on the path of tradition.

All well and good so far?

"Change," now. "Change" is something which, contrary to tradition, typically results in a new, entirely unexpected path (or at least one which has not been traveled many times before).

But here, "Change," which is something new and contrary to tradition, is breaking down "the doors of traditional ways," and laying open the path... that... is... traditional?

Change... breaks down the doors of tradition... doors exist to signify a way which has been traveled by before... the doors of tradition, then, should lead us down the path of tradition... which path... we are being, er... forcefully led to, by the actions of change?

No, no, no. This does not, at all, make the sense pancakes.

See, I do understand what you meant - that change breaks down tradition - but the usage of `doors` just immediately befuddles the beetnik bajeebus out of me. Why would change break down doors held by tradition?!

I believe I said above, "that is what is wrong with your poem... neither of us understands what you are saying." I think we do, however, understand what "you meant by your poem."

...

That disconnect, doe.

Error the Third!(Or, things that are wrong with line four; or, why stop now? there's just one more line in this stanza.)

"Always pulling us up to the surface after drowning in a boring past."

Oh, it's beautiful - change is a breath of fresh air!

Or rather, that's what this is supposed to mean.

Instead, it is plagued by what English teachers often call "antecedent error." (Are us trembling with fear?—I mean, we?)

See, the problem is, your whole stanza, up until this very point, has had one subject: "Change." It was introduced in the first line, and it has been carried from dependent clause to dependent clause, like the paycheck of a many-times-divorced Santa who just hasn't learned his lesson yet for putting his own children on the naughty list.

And it's really worked so far.

But, unfortunately, I don't think you meant to say that "after drowning in a boring past, change pulls us up to the surface." That just is silly. Change was just drowning, and now it has saved itself, and "us"?! Preposterous! I didn't even know we needed saving!

But a-ha! That's it! All we need to do, you see, is... well, we need to provide an appropriate subject (like, oh, I don't know, I, or you, or he, or she, or maybe we) to the verb "drowning," and then the meaning of the sentence will be what we intended!

BONUS the First! (Or, so long and thanks for all the fun.)

You also have a lot of monosyllabic words and particles and prepositions. Like a Caveman. Grog. A. Cave. Man. Grog. Good. Words. Grog... *starts gurgling his spit.*

See, that's fine - it doesn't ruin anything, per se, that you have an occasional 'a' or 'the' or what-have-you littered about that doesn't need to be there.

BUT, your poem would be even better if you managed to get rid of them.

For instance, like with

It's not always a sunshine that shoves through a treacherous storm.

You don't actually need some of those words. Especially the monosyllabic ones that don't actually say anything. So you could (in theory) reorganize a bit, like this:

Not always sunshine, piercing through the treacherous storm. (Like someone else commented, and I believe is was @ThereseCricket, the verb "shoving" doesn't work as well as certain other verbs would here, and so I replaced it with something I think a little more suitable.)

You don't need "it's," because the whole stanza you're just talking about the same old "it" (Change); you don't need "a" before "sunshine" because there's no such thing as "a" sunshine; it can't be quantified and counted (you can't carry a quiver full of sunshines, or catch a herd of sunshines prancing in the vale); and you don't need "that" before your verb, because... well, it's just not necessary. The sentence is correct without.

Ahem.

(Just a moment, I'm fumbling in my pockets... the blasted things! There are just too many of them—Ah! Found it.)

*CONFETTI BLASTERS AHOY!*

See, that's you. Right now, you're all like

(° O °)

and like

(* ⅋ *)

but then soon you'll realize it's not so bad, and you really wrote a good poem after all, and you'll be like

(clapping. Like, for yourself.)

...

Trust me.

Be forever hort—

Ah, wait. Before I go, a quick summary:

1. Consistency does not ordinarily have wrath, I do not think. Explain?

2. Change should not be breaking down doors of traditional ways; it sounds too much like change is breaking down doors to traditional ways.

3. Change, if it is saving us, should not also be the one drowning.

4. Don't be a cave man.

If you fix all these things and improve your first stanza, you can easily improve the rest of your work. And then what would I do with my free time? Who would I accost with confetti and other nonsense in the midst of my reviews?

In other words; you gave it a great shot, kid. Now keep on shooting. [Insert some sort of reference to a quotation about basketball or something. You know, something inspirational some old dude said one time.]

Now, where was I? Oh yes, in the middle of my sign off.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir

skorlir says...

You just happened to be my 75th review, which deserved a celebration. So, we're sharing the confetti party at the end.

(But we can't share my third star. That's mine.)

Thewriter13 says...

This is honestly the best thing I have ever read.
*shoots off confetti*
Thank you

I don't think the other person did it on purpose, I was just afraid it would never get reviewed XD I'll work on it!

Points: 13831
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Tue Jul 15, 2014 1:39 pm

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TimmyJake says...

SOMEBODIES WORK IS AMAZZZZINGGGGGG.

Thewriter13 says...

Aww thank you

Thewriter13 says...

Aww thank you

Points: 2388
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Mon Jul 14, 2014 2:46 pm

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Markontheworld wrote a review...

Hmmmmm, I don't really know what to say. It's a really good poem don't get me wrong. I just don't one hundred percent agree with the message I suppose. Every coin has two sides, this includes change. While it can be dark you also forget, what happens that when you start off with dark you end up with light. Well at least for the most part. I've always thought change was a gray area so I do agree with you on some level. Again amazing poem. Can't wait to read more of your stuff! keep calm and write on!!! =^_^=

Thewriter13 says...

Thanks mark. What I was trying to get at is it's not always going to be a good outcome. You see all of these encouraging posters saying "Change is good! Dare to be different." but sometimes it's not always going to be good. But of course I think change is beneficial 50% of the time

Points: 5846
Reviews: 232

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Mon Jul 14, 2014 3:24 am

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WillowPaw1 wrote a review...

Hi, the writer!

A/N: So this is a poem I wrote off of the top of my head. So I'm sure you guys can make it better and more powerful.

Woahhh... Okie. Off the top of your head? Wow. This. Was. Amazing. For writing it just out of your mind, fantastic . And obviously other people thought it was great as well, seeing as you have 19 likes (soon to be 20

)

I found two nitpicks, which were just grammar issues.

It's not always a blessing that brings wave of grace,

Wave should either be "waves" or you need to put "a" after brings. Verb agreement.

And all we see are tears blurring the hope.

Oops! Wrong word, writer.

Our and are . Now with that hint pointed out, surely you can find the mistake.

So.

The metaphors! Oh my god they were amazing, and just the words. This whole poem was so beautiful, I seriously don't know what to say about it. I. Am. Speechless.

The genre really really fits in with this poem. Dramatic, Dramatic, YESH!

And... I just like the whole idea of it. Change. It's such a big thing and you're right here to explain it. I especially like the last stanza, where you get deeper into what change really is.

Great poem! I can't exactly find anything to critique on, but hope it helps encouragement wise!

~WillowPaw1~

Thewriter13 says...

Thanks Willow! Much appreciated

WillowPaw1 says...

Points: 3770
Reviews: 231

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Mon Jul 14, 2014 12:12 am

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dogsrule5 wrote a review...

Hello there! Dogsrule5 here to review!

Okay so first off let's start with nitpicks/mistakes.

Okay nitpick number one. (This is mostly a suggestion. Just saying!) XD!

1. Okay so my suggestion is that your stanza's are uneven, I suggest that you either make your stanza's even or make the hole thing one paragraph. (Again, this was a suggestion, so you don't that to do it. Just saying! Again!) XD!!!

2. (I am not sure if I am right on this one, so if I'm not right, so sorry.)
In the forth paragraph/stanza the first line says...

I say to you, Change can be a start;

Okay so what you said here was good, and I like it, but I am not sure about this, but if I am correct you need quotation marks around Change can be the start. (Again I am not sure if that's correct, and if it's not sorry, and please tell me if it's not because honestly I really don't know!)

I can't find really any more mistake/nitpicks, so let's move on to the category's. Witch include grammar, spelling, Etc.

Grammar: I didn't find any grammar mistakes, and if I did they would be in the nitpick/mistakes section at the top anyway. This goes for also spelling, and punctuation. So good job!

Next... (This is the good part of my review, so please enjoy this part!!!) XD!

Okay, so this poem was really good, it was beautiful and poetic, at the same time. I really do hope you write more poems and books. Your writing is great, and I love to read your writing, as I do other people, but your writing is still terrific!!! XD!

So good job and keep up the good work, writing and everything.
Love,
Dogsrule5! <3
(Just saying. The symbol next to my signature is a heart. Just saying in case you didn't know!) XD!

Points: 552
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Sun Jul 13, 2014 9:31 pm

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Kendastic wrote a review...

Okay, I love this. For just writing it off the top of your head, it's amazing.

It's powerful and definitely relate-able. Change can be a good thing, but to us, it's usually hard and unwanted.

But change can be good! Like you said at the end, change can be an end. An end to something terrible. For example, transitioning from high school to college is a huge change. But, for someone like me it will be good, because I'll make lots more friends (hopefully) and be happier (also hopefully).

I love it! If you ever need another review just let me know!

Keep being awesome!

Kendastic

Thewriter13 says...

Thanks for responding so quickly! You're going to college? Have fun! I'm actually transitioning from middle school to high school XD eek!
You are very kind

thanks again!

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Sat Jul 12, 2014 9:55 pm

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ThereseCricket wrote a review...

Hi thewriter13! (aka, my OTHER YWS sister ) Cricket here as requested!

This is an incredible poem, with so much meaning and power to it! First you address the reader with a question (sorta a question. I don't think you meant it as a question, but anyway) that sums up what they think about change, and then you voice your own opinion on it, in a brilliant smash!
Next, you tell us that change isn't all sunsets and glory on the horizon, but something that can be cruel and harsh. And then you go on to tell us that Change can be a curse. Something that can destroy all of our hopes and dreams. Something that causes us to break down, and we will be forced to restart our life's work.

But the final stanza was by far my favorite of it all. It said so much, and conveyed so much emotion into the work. You are telling us that Change can be OK at times, but there is still the chance that it can go downwards, and end what we had worked so hard for. Your metaphors were super cool for it as well, which added to the power of it all!

The last line was stunning, as it summed up EVERYTHING that you meant to tell us. If you change something too much, then it could be the end of what you've seeked all your life for.

Some suggestions here!

always a sunshine

Silly little suggestion here...I think you are using the wrong article for this. Maybe the instead? And maybe a different way of saying sunshine? When I read this I got the impression of a cartoon sun almost. Not that sunshine should bring up the thought, but it did for me. Not overly concerned about it, but I would think something along the line of, golden rays, or just something like that. To try and keep it within the classical idea of this poem. I know...odd nitpick...

It's not always a sunshine that shoves through a treacherous storm.

I'm not entirely sure shoves is a good verb to use in this case. It doesn't seem powerful enough, and for a line like this that's absolutely necessary! I'd suggest going through synonyms to find something.

comfort zones

I'm actually not to sure about this nitpick but I thought I'd mention just in case, that I don't think these two words quite fit in. Now I think it would be good to use such an idea, on it pushes us out of what we know, but not in this way of wording. It seems out of context with your poem.

An eraser wiping across

Hmm, I think it would flow better, if across was away.

OK, and that's it! This is really all I could say for such a fab poem. Awesome idea!

~Cricket

Thewriter13 says...

Why? Why do you give such amazing reviews? Your suggestions are so helpful and I'll be sure to use them

Thanks, sis!
Btw, if you post this is Review for My Reviews, it's gonna be interesting to see what you did wrong. Because I see NOTHING wrong

Thank you!! *cries happily*

ThereseCricket says...

lol NOBODY is reviewing in there! You need to get moving m'dear!

Thewriter13 says...

Bleh fineeeee

ThereseCricket says...

lol thanks hon...

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Fri Jul 11, 2014 10:03 pm

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Scottylaa wrote a review...

I love it! I love it! I love it! This poem is so relate-able to ( I think ) nearly everybody. It is a great topic to choose to write a poem about because it is a small topic that you wouldnt really think much of but when the ideas, emotions and reasons are just placed in front of you in a format you recognize then it all makes sense. I'm not great with technical aspects but i'll give it my best shot.

"You think change is a gift;"
I like this line but I dont know if a question mark would be better suited to act as a rhetorical question. I understand why you wouldnt put one in but it doesnt make much of a difference.

" Always saving us from the wrath of consistency,
Always breaking down the doors of traditional ways,
Always pulling us up to the surface after drowning in a boring past."
- I love these lines also. You've got the picture going away in your head straight away and thats what I want to read from a poem and thats exactly whats here.

I'm just going to say quickly because im running out of time that I dont see many faults after reading and re-reading other than one or two which are just small issues with the flow but remind me on tomorrow and i'll tell you what they are.

Again great poem I absolutely love it! If you write more poems like this then I dont see why you be getting tonnes of compliments for your work!

Thewriter13 says...

A question mark? I put in a semicolon. Hmm...

Anyway, thank you so much for this kind review! I appreciate the suggestions and the compliments.

You're such a great reviewer

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Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:50 pm

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ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...

I feel the same way sometimes. There are some good changes, and there are the bad ones, too. I know how it feel to have your world fall apart when bad changes occur, but let me say that they don't always end like that. This is a good poem though because it possesses the emotion. Keep writing is all I can say, and I'm sorry if this review is very short.

Thewriter13 says...

It's okay the review is short, this comment was so kind

Thank you!

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