Young Writers Society

Hello.

I'm going to second ancient, here, and say we have an author's darling. The thing about sudden happenings that make no sense is, readers tend not to wait for the next part before they stop reading. They just go "why is this happening this makes no sense" and stop.

Mostly because whenever people look at a protagonist and go "you're special, so we'll let you do this", and they realize the main character will basically get whatever they want in the end. Now, while it's perfectly fine to make characters get what they want, and be the best, and be the Chosen One, you can't give them everything they want. They must still struggle to get what they want, still work towards their goals, and make mistakes.

Making mistakes is key in character development because everybody makes mistakes. A character can be special, the best, the Chosen One and still make mistakes, still struggle, and generally have to work towards what they want.

Right now, in this very first scene, Tearin has everything handed to her. She says something for no reason at all and gets brought into a place that'll keep her safe by a cute boy. This isn't exactly the type of protagonist I want to read, and if she is the one primarily making choices in her life, that needs to show up from scene one. There is no "later" for beginnings.

As for the flow, it's fairly choppy. You're jumping from one event to another without much connection between them. For example, you go from a flashback from the night her parents died to a boy walking down the road for no real rhyme or reason past giving off a checklist of information. Try connecting the two, which can be as simple as "to distract herself, Tearin looked down the road to see how much closer the boy was. He'd been walking towards her for a few minutes." By connecting events, you can tie things together better and make the story more coherent.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hello, love! I haven't read what the other reviewers have said, so I'm sorry if I repeat some of their points. I'll try to keep this as concise and to-the-point as possible!

First of all, your writing style is monotonous - many of your sentences are 'Subject-verb-object', which gets very dull after a while and bores your readers. A good way to change things up is to go "Participle descriptor, subject verb and verb" or something like that - like, instead of "Tearin sat on the sidewalk and stared at the sky", you could say "Sitting on the sidewalk, Tearin stared at the sky". It's a little thing, but it makes a big difference when you go through and change some of the sentences; it makes your writing feel much less repetitive, and the reader is more likely to feel some kind of emotion towards your characters. As it is, I read through this chapter honestly with my head on my hand, wondering when it would get interesting.

Also, a quick question - why would a presumably secret society just say "sure, welcome to our ranks"? I would hope they would at least do a background check or something and make sure that Tearin wasn't a spy or someone else sent to disband them. Even moreso, I would hope they wouldn't just open their doors to any sort of riff-raff or rabble, and it feels awfully like you're setting it up so Exiurim is something of an author's darling - in that she gets places without actually exerting effort towards directing her own storyline. I know it's only the first chapter, but so far she hasn't taken control of her own life, instead blindly following Twist, which does not bode well in my eyes.

I strongly encourage you to do a bit of world-building and establish the characters within this society of yours. Because of the code names, I won't get on you for their names not sounding alike, though it does read to something of an "Aerith and Bob" situation, where some names are completely out-of-this-world and some sound mundane; for example, Mercy to Exiurim.

Your description isn't bad, but it's all in the same monotonous voice, so I don't actually feel anything about the setting, I just feel like you're saying, "This is a place. This is where Tearin is. This is where Tearin goes," ad infinitum.

Overall, I don't think the story is great right now, but drafts are meant to be edited. The concept sounds really interesting, but I'd definitely have to see more of this world to be able to say anything definitive, and I'm not liking how the pace is going monumentally fast - we go from Tearin, having no background on her life, she just appears to be a miserable girl in a street, and suddenly she's the member of a secret society and whoa. Slow down a little. Give us some exposition on who Tearin is and how she lives, and then you can tell us all about the secret society. Or, better yet, put us in the middle of the story - in medias res - and tell us the story from that point, where the action really starts. You can give us Exiurim's history later.

This is really good. The first paragraph grabs your attention and sets an air of mysterious ness that leads to you wanting more. The code names are very different, and I like that.

'"Don't know. I can't think of one that fits her," Istrate shrugged.' Instead, it should be, '"Don't know; I can't think of one that fits her," Istrate shrugged.' Since the reason for her saying zi don't know is that she can't think of one that fits her.

Other than that small mistake, I like it. You did good. And should keep going!

This sounds like a good beginning to a story. I like the description that you have even though more of it wouldn't hurt, especially in the beginning of the chapter when you could describe the setting of the story. However, I do have stuff that you could edit. Just read below:

"18" is eighteen. When you write an age of a person down, you have to write the word, not the number. The only number that is ok is the year.

"Go get the others." Mercy waved her hand to dismiss him.

"I can't think of one that fits her." Istrate shrugged.

It's only a few things, so it's not much to fix. Sorry that this review is short, but there's really not much to find in this.

Hi.

I like the lead into this story but I would be careful in case it starts turning into a description of the weather XD

The sun’s setting rays shined on a dull brick city, turning the roads red. It looked like blood, although it could be. It was hard to tell in this place.

After a small number seconds passed by, Twist returned with several other people behind him. One of them, a blonde 19 or 20 year old, walked up to Mercy and stopped beside her.

I know there's no action but it's the first chapter so bear with me. I look forward to your reviews!

Hey there! Lefty here to review!

It's a good first chapter! I didn't mind at all that there was no action... The first chapter introduces the world and the characters. I got a feel for the world they're in and would like to know more about it. Why is the world the way it is? What happened that made it so dangerous? Perhaps you answer these later on, and I'm looking forward to reading them.

I would like to know more about the characters. Perhaps you get more into them too, but in the first chapter I think it's good (with exceptions) to get a feel for the main character, and besides being afraid and scarred by her past, I couldn't really figure out who she was as a person. Of course, if it goes more into her character in the next couple chapters, all is well. Even just a small conversation between characters can give a feel for who they are. How they answer questions and react to things that are said can expand their characters.

Just a couple typos I caught...

Just swinging her fists, being hit, than black.

We the boy came in front of her she saw he had a knife in his belt.

Tearin slowed followed behind, trying to calm her shaking hands.