Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General

E - Everyone

The Princess~Part 2

by Pinkiegirl13


Lisa

While watching everyone on top of the tree in the forest, I was polishing my sliver arrows. Today is Cantina Day which everyone are invited into the castle and meet the royal family. To me, I think it is a good idea to watch it far away from the forest. I pulled out my bow and take one of my arrows to aim at the air for the celebration to the family. Before I shot, I heard a scream inside of the castle. People was scared and ran quickly upstairs. I don't know what it is going on over there until I saw a teenage girl with a purple dress and matching shoes, running away from the castle into this forest. Then, I heard the queen yelled, "Oh, my sweet Kelly!" 

I learned that some girl killed Princess Kelly. I don't know how she do it because I didn't see any weapons on them. Did the girl leave the weapon so King Venture and Queen Gene can see it? Or the girl has hidden powers...?

I went down the tree to find who is that girl and why did she killed the princess. I was looking every directions for the murderer until I heard panting sounds behind the tree.

Oh, no. She is behind there..., I thought before moving forward to the tree. The leaves was crushing as I stepped on them. When I got closer to the tree, I saw Princess Ana jumped out and shot me with something that made me pinned against the tree. I looked at my waists and saw purple lights that was attracted to my waist. I was shocked of what I saw and looked back at Princess Ana who looked scared.

"P-P-Princess Ana...." I stuttered.

"Please, don't look at me..." Ana said before looking away from me, "I'm a monster...." 

"P-Princess, don't say that. You are not a monster," I replied.

"No, you don't understand! I killed my sister!" Ana shouted before her tears were shown.

I was surprised when she said that. I can't believe she killed her own sister. So why did she do it? They seem like they have a perfect relationship together. Then, Ana added on with her statement.

"I had this power since I was born. My parents never wanted me to use it because I will might hurt people. Then, I gave her a 'magic show' because she loves to see my powers. Until she pressured me for more, I accidentally...killed her. I should have listen to my parents. I should have!" Ana explained before she knelt down to the ground, crying.

My tears went down when I see her cried. I felt bad for the harmless, magical Ana.  She doesn't deserved to became a murderer. She doesn't!

"Princess, you are not a monster. You are wonderful princess and you know. I know you didn't mean to," I said with tears streaming down on my fears.

Ana sniffled before she wiped her eyes, and then stared back at me. "Really?"

I added, "You are a magical, generous person that I had ever known. I know your sister knows that too. You are not evil, Ana!"

She smiled at me, and I smiled back at her. Suddenly, we heard soldiers' voice far away.

"Come out, Princess Ana. I know that you are in here."

 "Oh, no..." Ana mumbled with her worried look. She got up and ran to me before she used her powers to release me. I fell on the ground before I was picked up by Ana. We ran as fast as we could so the soldiers won't find us. Suddenly, we stopped by the cliff. We heard the soldiers were coming before we stared at each other. Ana looked away from me to look forward and walk toward the cliff. I closed my eyes before I think she will hurt herself, but her powers gave her a bridge to walk on to the other side. She stared back at me to mention me to come on. I sighed and ran to her before she ran when I came to her. 

After a long ran to the other side, we had lost them as we leaned against the tree. My eyes was closed as I relaxed to go to sleep until I heard Ana's voice.

"Hey! I didn't get to know your name yet. Can you please tell me your name as you know mines?" Ana asked happily while facing me.

I smiled at her and answered, "My name is Lisa."

"Oh, Lisa, nice to meet you." Ana smiled back before she turned away and went to sleep as soon as I did. I think Ana and I will be best friend while we are in the run.

A/N: I will do the three part when they were older. I know this is little choppy because I am very sleepy. Well, have a great day!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
102 Reviews


Points: 2999
Reviews: 102

Donate
Sun Jul 20, 2014 6:39 am
BellaRoma wrote a review...



Hello Pinkiegirl13, following your novel as promised. I thought I'd come and read the second part for you.
Alright, I'll get the nitpicks out of the way first. There isn't much wrong with your grammar, the issues I found were of tenses. For example here:

I closed my eyes before I think she will hurt herself

I won't point every single issue out (there were some others that you should be able to spot), just beware of doing it in future. You'll confuse readers if you do that a lot. Also, my only other qualm was your choice of words. It was like you were on a phone, using predictive text. I knew what you meant, the word would just be wrong. You have mention instead of motion somewhere and ran instead of run. Again, look over it and the errors are easy to fond and correct.
On to the good stuff, it was funny and I like this new character who I presume will now travel with Ana. Their relationship seems good, I like the way Lisa empathises with the princess. I'd love to read the next chapter to see where they go and if they're caught.
You have great characters that I enjoy reading about which is an excellent start. Definitely persevere with this work.
Will be reading the next chapter soon.
Bella




User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 577
Reviews: 11

Donate
Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:28 pm
pinkflutegirl wrote a review...



Hi Pinkie! This is Pink for a review!

Good job! You did great. Yes, as you said its a bit choppy and fast. It might just be me, but it seemed as if this happened real fast! Her running into Lisa then spilling everything to her. It seemed very fast as in trusting her. I loved her little break down, it was just as I expected and really good! You did great on this chapter, I didn't notice any grammatical errors! Great job! I love the fact that you have two POVs. I love the plot so far and I'm excited for the next chapter.

Wait! I spot one grammatical error!

' My eyes was closed as I relaxed to go to sleep until I heard Ana's voice. '

The verb was doesn't make sense in this sentence. You could say, My eyes closed as I relaxed, until I heard Ana's voice. Or something like that.

Other than that, amazing!

Thanks for sharing this chapter!

Best wishes on writing you next chapter! Have a great day!

-Pink♥︎




User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Donate
Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:25 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

It's me! It's me! It's named after me: "Lisa" XD

Your writing style changes with each different piece, I find this one to be very casual:

I learned that some girl killed Princess Kelly. I don't know how she do it because I didn't see any weapons on them. Did the girl leave the weapon so King Venture and Queen Gene can see it? Or the girl has hidden powers...?


It's almost like the narrator isn't sure of what's going and just says what comes into their mind as they think of it, but with some structure from the author. :)

The characters are also very straightforward and dramatic, makes me think they are almost like comedy characters XD

"No, you don't understand! I killed my sister!" Ana shouted before her tears were shown.


I enjoyed reading this: funny and engaging. A good story.
Keep writing.





"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)