Young Writers Society

Hey fortis! Scarli here to review your poetry!

I meant to review this ages ago, but I forgot. Now that's I've found it again, I'ma get right to that. ^^

Wow, Fortis. This is pretty dreamy, fantasy-like, and I think it really works. I don't know why, but I get the feeling of secrets and adventure and love when I read this. It's kind of cute, but also sad. I also get the feeling this is specifically about a boy? I don't know if I'm reading that or not, but anyways. I love it! The imagery is reall nice, from the being held up to the light, to the princess in disguise, to the clouds and rain, to the angels with short hair and the coloured threads and shadows, to the petals falling. The imagery is beautiful and sad, and a little bittersweet, too, but that's okay, because it's still a beautiful poem. <3

As for nitpicks, did you mean to put the apostrope in sparkling? Or was that an accident? If it was on purpose, ignore this. If not, you might want to fix that. Other than that, I haven't got anything else to add, so yeah. Lovely poem, and I'm definitely gonig to hit that like button when I've hit submit!

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. <3

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Hey Fortis

Nice poem, it flows well, and has a nice story with it. You did very nice.

Hey, Fortis.

I'm going to make a list of questions I have and hopefully as you're answering and thinking about them, you'll find ways you want to change this poem.

Why did you put an apostrophe in sparkling?
How did this person's hands weave worlds?
How do you weave worlds of thread?
Are the worlds made of thread and other worlds made of shadows?
Why, if the hands weren't actually used to tell stories, would the speaker miss them?
How do endings leave?

Haha, those were my first thoughts as I read through.

Um, I like the specificity and personality to this. I liked especially the opening, which maybe inspired the rest of the poem. It so clearly shares weakness and worry and a relationship between the two characters -- a relation of size as well. I like that it's not all good or all bad, too. I like that the cliche "you chased away the clouds" is tempered by her wanting them back -- I feel like that makes these characters real and honest. They don't want just the good cotton candy sweet stuff, but they know the dark clouds and rain can be appreciated, too.

So if this poem's awkward lines were to get straightened out, I think this would be a nice snapshot. I do wonder what the end means, though. It's confusing because often a poem about death is written from the person left behind and it's hard to easily accept the proposal that a deceased person is being nostalgic -- from where? Heaven? After? Etc.

Hope these thoughts are helpful to you, Knight Fortis!
Fight well and always keep writing!

Hannah

this made me speechless I swear , your words are extremely organised and I felt every word ! PLEASE , keep writing

This is amazing fortis! *likes work*

Heyo

I had a very emotive response to your title, it made me quite upset. XD
However, I ventured to read this sad sounding work and I was pleasantly surprised. Your writing is often very professional and this was another example of this.

You told me every angel has short hair, so that it wouldn't get tangled in their harps,
then you sang me to sleep with songs of spark'ling stardusts.

I've always had trouble with endings, and letting the last petals fall.