The Light Doesn't Shine Here (chapter one)

July 9, 2014
Novel / Chapter: Mystery / Suspense, Horror
14 comments (11 reviews)

Gloria leaped up in her bed woken by the bad dream she was having, and right that moment she screamed because there was something standing at the feet of her bed, not moving, just standing there and taunting her. Moments later she signed as she figured out that she was looking at her wardrobe. Her paranoia was taking on a life of its own, and who could blame her. All day long she'd been seeing and hearing things that weren't there and feeling as though someone was following her.

She recalled how her brother's photo was put upright after she left it facedown above the fireplace, or the time she could hear her neighbors who moved out last year chatting next door. She knew she was losing it; how could she not? It had only been two days since the police had turned her world upside down with the news that her brother had cut his own throat. They never said with what, and she never got round to asking in between all her crying.

"Phil," she moaned his name, blinking, as the warm sweat from her forehead passed too close-by her eye.

"Why did you do it?" Her voice sounded extra loud to her in the deathly silence of the room. It never got this silent with her brother always cracking jokes and laughing. More sweat snaked down her skin, this time over her chest.

Why did he have to leave her like this, with all this empty space? She longed for his voice to fill the room, swathe her like a warm blanket and melt away all the pain just like in the past.

If only he'd opened up, poured out his heart to her she might have been able to stop him, and he might still be around If only. Her chest rose like the waters of a troubled sea, as she took a lungful of the stuffy air in the room.

The sweating, stuffiness, pungent air -- all took her mind back in time, to a place they loved as children: Pearl Margin. Ah! The races they would have down its white glistening slopes towards the icy Atlantic below, which she always reached first thanks to her longer legs. How it would annoy the little blue-eyed boy. He would spent the whole journey back home arguing with her about how she had cheated him again. It wasn't the beach or the ocean she enjoyed the most but all the time she got to spent with her brother. She chortled as his smile loomed in front of her eyes. It was that irresistible smile of his; the way he exploded with laughter after throwing her in the waves or with sand, that made her times at Pearl Margin so unforgettable. It's why she was thinking about it now.

She had thought sleep would give her rest from all these memories and thoughts. That's how she'd ended up in bed, yet each time she closed her eyelids all she saw were his eyes, staring at her from the blackness. Then there were the things in her dreams. They'd seemed so real.

She fingered around the drawer for the lamp switch, and a moment later dragged her feet out of bed as the room lit up. "Phew!" She sighed, opening the window, and leaning out into the night. She sucked in the winter air, and drew her eyelids together to appreciate the breeze massaging her skin. If only it would massage her pain away.

"I can't do this. I can't live like this. I just can't." she sobbed, her eyes roaming to the snow-covered parking lot cloaked in silent darkness three floors below. The trees that bloom with life throughout most of the year had been stripped to bare branches by a month-long winter. Several windows of the flats surrounding the parking lot glowed with orange light; people who like her were probably too troubled to fall asleep. Would any of them notice if she leapt out of the window?

The thought would have send a chill down her spine a few days ago, but back then she had everything to live for, her brother was alive, the one thing that still made sense in her life. Leaning her elbows on the window sill she planted her forehead on her palms and sighed.

Anxiously, Gloria peeked over her shoulder, feeling eyes on her again, just like she had the whole time she was in bed, but all she saw was an untroubled room. She scratched her shoulder again. All this itching was getting to her.

She'd been itching all day long, especially on her left ear, shoulders, and arms. She stilled her cold shivering arms in front of her eyes, as best she could, to inspect the red nail marks she'd left all over them. She didn't notice any rashes or anything, but that didn't stop them from itching like crazy. Several snowflakes suddenly landed on her arms and melted away. Looking up, Gloria saw thousands more outside her window. They had drowned out the sky as they had in morning.

Gloria was shaking like a leaf but instead of closing the window she took a look at the parking lot below. How fast would she hit the ground? Would it take a minute? No, less than that, more like a few seconds, she concluded. She gulped down a knot of bitter saliva, her mind yo-yoing indecisively between two fates. It would be quick, quicker than lightning. Oh, but it would be messy, could she do that to herself? She looked down at the parking lot again. It was an unobstructed plunge to sure death or life threatening injuries. Her heart drowned out the room as it beat like a giant clock in her ears.

Lub-dub-lub-dub...

Do it now! Do it already! Voices in her head cried.

Lub-dub-lub-dub...

Take the leap GODDAMMIT!

Blood racing, mind screaming Gloria took a step backwards, snatched the window and guided it forward with all the force she could muster. Right before she could slam it shut it was hurled right back open by a tidal wave of snowflakes. Gloria couldn't keep her feet with all the sudden snow in her face, and a moment later was on the ground, digging her head out of a heap of snow. She gawked around like someone lost at sea at the whiteness surrounding her. The spongy ice began to feel like a fire against her skin, and so she quickly dug the rest of her body out of it.

What had just happened?

Gloria stood there with her socks in the snow too baffled to move or do anything. That was when the thoughts of suicide returned. How could she still be thinking of throwing herself out of the window after what had just happened? Yet it was exactly what she was thinking this very moment. It was all she could think about, all she wanted to think about.

With her brother gone what was there to live for? What would she do on her own? She depended on him. He was her best friend. Her whole body was shaking out of control by now, but she still waded up to the window and let the cold air pinch her skin. She felt a strong urge to cry there and then. Tears were her sole comfort with her brother gone. Her eyes clenched shut until they were mere lines and her teeth gritted as she fought back warm tears.

"Oh!" She breathed, and supported herself on the sides of the window, as heavy sobs began to jerk out of her. Her sobbing turned to wailing. She didn't care who heard her. Nothing mattered to her now, only the endless pain swallowing her up.

"Oh, Phil," she sighed staring into the starry night, sniffing up her tears, and swiping at the wetness under her nose.

"I miss you so much."

She tried to force the window shut but was never going to get it through all that snow, and so she left it as is.

***************************************************

"Stupid ear!" she snapped a minute later, turning her head sideways to examine the throbbing thing in the bathroom mirror - it was red and puffy and begging for attention. She rubbed it gently but stopped at once as a searing pain ripped into ear. Wincing, she faced the mirror and stared into the bloodshot swollen eyes of a pale young woman with sagging cheeks. A shipwreck was a prettier sight. Her mother had always told her she had her brothers eyes, although she barely had eyes right now, thanks to all the swelling. Just another way her body was crying for a break, a good night's rest, perhaps the only rest she was going to get was in a coffin.

"Why am I having these thoughts?" she groaned. "What's happening to me?" She held her face and started crying again, as she thought of her life before this mess of her brother's suicide. Only a week ago she was planning to become a doctor, and to live happily ever after with her brother, and then, so suddenly, her brother pulled himself out of her plans, confusing everything, and filling her up with thoughts that were making her go crazy.

Suddenly, Gloria stopped and looked behind her as that weird feeling of being watched returned stronger. She studied the empty shower a few feet behind her. Its tiles were still wet from the last time she'd used it, but nothing out of the ordinary. Still she couldn't shake the feeling that there was something terribly wrong about this place. It didn't have that homy air about it, even though it was the only home she'd known for the last three years. Something was hanging over her weighing heavily on her chest, and sometimes even making her breathless. Maybe it was just how the sorrow of losing a brother felt like.

Throwing curious glances around the bathroom she turned her face back to the mirror, but almost instantly screamed to high heaven, almost tripping a she jumped back.

She froze eyes glued to the mirror, waiting for the tongue that she'd just seen to make another appearance. It was just a tongue, and it licked her ear. She could have sworn she'd seen it, just as she turned around in the corner of her eye. After waiting for a whole full minute it didn't seem like whatever she'd seen was coming back, and so harvesting a bit of bravery from her loins she returned to the mirror, albeit slowly. Was she losing it? Not a stretch given the current wretch she was.

She shook her head and turned on the faucet, the forty-year-old plumbing inside the walls protested loudly as the faucet snorted out rusty water. Clipping her hair back, she cupped her hands underneath the clearing stream. The warm water felt like a slice of heaven against her frozen fingers. She leaned into the basin, and began to splash her face a few times. While it didn't wash away the thoughts eating away at her peace, the water was still brilliantly soothing.

Timidly, she peered up, and seeing no slithering tongue she seized the edge of the mirror and pulled it back, exposing a cabinet filled with toiletries, medications and, cosmetics. Her pink trembling fingers went for a red cup in the corner, and the small white bottle next to it labeled Ambien. She filled the cup up with water, and then put it down on the basin, as she proceeded to open the bottle, and stare down into it at what were at least a dozen pills, by her wild guess.

She raised the cup to her lips, took a deep breath and knocked back the entire bottle of pills in one fell swoop. She thought she might throw up as the little things traveled down her throat. There, it was done. Her lips trembled as she breathed out afterwards.

"See you soon Phil." she said with a tear-soaked voice, plopping the cup on the basin and the empty bottle of pills next to it.

With that she returned to the bedroom. There, she lay herself down on top of the blanket, closed her eyes and prepared herself for a peaceful going. A smile unseated her frown as images of heaven flashed in front of her mind's eye. She opened her eyes not too long afterwards, feeling breathless as if the air had been sucked out of the room. The window, she thought. She had to get to the window, and so she lifted herself up, only to fall back to the pillow weakly. Again she tried getting up, but this time couldn't even raise head. Her body spasmed as she looked around the room with a pair of eyelids that felt heavier by the moment, and so she simply decided to close them and let the darkness take her.

A creature stood away from the woman then, removing a gnawed hand from her nose and mouth, and then admired its handiwork with a tooth showing grin.

"Is she dead my master? " the vulture perching on the window sill asked.

"See for yourself."

The vulture alighted on the floor next to Gloria's head, and after inspecting her still frame said with a grin. "You've done it master. The Lord will be greatly pleased."

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Points: 4671
Reviews: 31

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Fri Jan 09, 2015 4:14 pm

firefly882 wrote a review...

Hey there Roundsquare, Firefly here for a review!

So I'll admit, mystery/suspense isn't my strong point (I'm more of a fantasy/sci-fi kind of gal) but your opening sentence caught my eye and so I just kept reading on! This is a great way to grab your reader's attention, so good job on that opening line! I will echo a couple of the other reviews in saying that too much metaphors can sort of grate against the eyes, just like using too much descriptive words can lead a reader to skip over them entirely and risk missing important plot points. Both are fine to have and even encouraged in stories, but moderation is the key. Too much and your readers are lost, too little and they don't develop a connection with the characters or their surroundings. Remember, balance is key!

"Phil." She groaned his name, blinking, as the warm sweat from her forehead passed too close to her eye, "Why did you do it?" Her voice sounded extra loud to her in the deathly quiet room. More sweat snaked down her skin, this time over her chest.

There should be a comma after "Phil" and "She" should be lower case, as it's all one sentence ("Phil," she groaned as...). Also, you could remove "his name" since we're led to believe that she is calling out for her brother. And place a period after "eye" since that's where the sentence ends. For more information on dialogue tags, visit here or try researching it on the web. The better informed you are on proper dialogue and grammar, the better your writing will be! Trust me, I've had to do a lot of research myself and it's definitely improved the quality of my writing from what it once was.

If only he'd opened up and poured out his heart to her, if only. Her chest rose like the waters of a troubled sea, as she took a lungful of the stuffy air in the room. She had thought sleep would give her rest. That's how she'd ended up in bed, yet each time she closed her eyelids all she saw were his eyes; deep and blue like the ocean, haunting her from the blackness. Then there were the things in her dreams. They'd seemed so real.

Exhaling heavily, she fingered for the lamp switch on the drawer beside her. She paused to scratch her shoulder, then continued her search. A moment later, she dragged her feet out of bed as the room lit up. "Phew!" She sighed, opening the window, and leaning out into the night. She sucked in the winter air as if her life dependent on it, and drew her eyelids together to appreciate the breeze massaging her skin. If only it would massage her pain away.

Again, take it easy on the descriptions. Sometimes just simple words will do, and it won't make your story feel clogged in the process. Think of your story like a sandwich--too much mayonnaise (description) and it drowns out the taste of your turkey (character development) and cheese (plot progression). Less can be good, but again it's about finding a balance between the three.

The rest of the story has a lot of what I've previously described, so my suggestions remain the same throughout. Try using less descriptions on the physical surroundings, this will give you more room to develop Gloria as a broken, haunted girl. Show us what's happening to your character. Make your reader connect with Gloria on an emotional level by showing us why we should care instead of telling us that all this bad stuff is happening to her for seemingly no reason other than her brother committed suicide. Why does this evil lord want her? What has she done to deserve this? And maybe we'll discover this as the story unfolds, but for now it all seems forced rather than mysterious.

All in all, this was a good read. Can it be better, yes, but we should always be improving on our work and skill. Writing is a learning process--we post our work, others break it down, we shed some tears but then we lift our heads up and take their advice in stride, tearing our own work apart and building it back up better than it was before. It's a vicious cycle, but a necessary one. We're just glad to be a part of it.

Thank you for the read, and if you have any further questions feel free to PM me!

Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

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Thu Jan 08, 2015 10:04 pm

BluesClues wrote a review...

Okay, so I'll start with specific comments and then move on to more general comments.

I like the opening sentence--I think it's a good hook and a good metaphor. It got me interested right away.

That being said, be careful not to overuse metaphor. In the first paragraph alone, I could four instances of metaphor or simile--two if you're picky about your definitions, which is still one more than should really be in a single paragraph.

1.

clung to her like the fangs of the grey creatures in her nightmare

wounds in her heart were still hemorrhaging pain

a burden heavier than any rock

It was crushing her alive.

A well-placed metaphor or simile here and there can help clarify an image or draw a reader's attention to something important, but too many of them cause readers to skim over them without really reading. And you don't want that!

Now, this bit confused me.

Blood racing, mind screaming Gloria threw the window forward but in her next breath almost lost a hand as the object came hurling back her way, accompanied by a tidal wave of snowflakes. Gloria couldn't keep her feet with all the snow that was pouring into her face. A moment later, she dug her face out of heap of snow and gawked around with trembling lips. The snow began to feel like a fire against her skin, and so she quickly dug the rest of her body out of it, and stood there crouching with her red shaking arms around her red shaking shoulders.

I think what happened is that she considered jumping out the window, but then a bunch of snow came in through the window, made her lose her balance, and fall onto her bedroom floor. But it took me two read-throughs to get that. At first, it sounded like maybe she had fallen out the window, but her suicide attempt was foiled by all the snow that padded her landing. I mean, that is a LOT of snow to come in through her bedroom window, which is partly what confused me, so you might want to see what other people thought and consider rewriting that bit.

Cliche alert!

a minute later she was standing before the bathroom mirror, staring at a pale young woman with sagging cheeks, and swollen bloodshot eyes.

I know describing a viewpoint character without the aid of a conveniently placed mirror, window, or particularly reflective puddle can be difficult. (Oh, trust me. I know.) But resist the temptation, especially if there's no reason for the character to be looking in the mirror. Now, if you can come up with a real reason, rather than saying "Gloria wasn't completely sure how she ended up there," this could be okay. Examples:

1. She feels something on her face/head and looks in the mirror to see what it is.
2. She's extremely vain and obsessed with her looks/has an extensive beauty routine requiring use of a mirror.
3. Someone makes a comment on something about her appearance, leading her to examine her appearance more closely.

Which one you use (or a different one you come up with) depends on the character's personality. But you've really got to find a good reason for a character to look in the mirror before using this trick to describe her physical appearance.

Okay, I just got to her red and throbbing ear. My suggestion would be, use that earlier--i.e., her ear hurts, so she heads for the bathroom to look in the mirror and see what's wrong with it.

the tongue that she had just seen. It licked her ear.

A question you might want to consider to better describe this: Did the tongue come out of her ear, or was it just, like, a disembodied tongue floating in midair? I'm picturing a tongue flicking out of Gloria's ear, but I'm not sure that's what you intended.

So the two overall problems I see with this at this point are characterization and the amount of information we got. Let me break these down for you.

Characterization. Right now, all I know about Gloria is that she's devastated over her brother's recent suicide and she had been planning to be a doctor. I have no concept of her as a person, her personality, because right now she's all emotion and no substance.

I mean, don't get me wrong: I understand that her brother's just killed himself, so it's cool that she's sad. But it's a little overboard. Through the entire chapter, she's crying and lamenting--out loud--to her dead brother. "Oh, how I miss you! Oh God, the pain, the pain is just too much!" Almost all of her dialogue is super-melodramatic.

The bad thing about this is that too much melodrama can cause a lot of eye-rolling in your readers. It's generally unrealistic and cliched. However, the good thing is that it's better to start off with too much drama than not enough! This is because it's a lot easier to tone down pre-existing drama than to add drama where none exists. So on that track, you're doing alright.

Rather than worrying about changing melodramatic dialogue for now, I'd say worry more about figuring out who Gloria was before her brother's death. Try filling out character surveys, drawing sketches, or writing practice pieces in first-person (i.e., write as if you were Gloria telling someone about a specific memory from her childhood). Oh, and I'm sure you have an age picked out for her, but it'd be good if you got her age across in the story. With the image of the nightgown and the nightmares, I assumed she was a girl--maybe 12 or so--but later it's mentioned that she's a woman, so now I have no idea how old she is.

Information. This is something to ask multiple readers about, but I think you drop too much information on us too quickly. By the end of the first paragraph, we already know all of this:

1. Her brother recently committed suicide.
2. How her brother committed suicide.
3. Her brother didn't leave a suicide note.
4. She has no idea why her brother committed suicide.
5. Despite #4 , she feels crushingly guilty for his death.

That is so much to take in in just one paragraph! I think you can let us know that he's dead right off the bat, but I'd suggest trying to space out the rest of the information--his suicide, how it happened, the lack of a note, and Gloria's guilt--throughout the entire chapter. You could even go further than that and space it out over the whole story. For example, in this chapter we might learn that he committed suicide, but it might be several chapters from now before we find out how. This way, there's some mystery left to the reader, because we know her brother died but not how or why, so we want to keep reading to find out.

On that note, it would be good to touch on why she feels guilty. I mean, he didn't talk to her about what was bothering her, but that's kind of weak for her to feel so guilty that she attempts suicide (twice in one chapter!) herself. Does she feel like she should've noticed he was depressed? Did it take her totally by surprise because he seemed so happy (which could hint at a murder, instead, if you want to either go that direction or distract readers with a red herring)? Or is there something she actually did or said that might have made him unhappy? You don't have to go into detail about it in the first chapter, but drop a hint so we at least have something to grasp onto (while still leaving enough mystery for us to wonder about it).

Hope this helps! Keep writing!

BlueAfrica

Points: 240
Reviews: 31

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Thu Jan 08, 2015 3:11 pm

Lenora742 wrote a review...

Hey there!Here to review your piece, as requested

I noticed two mistakes in the second paragraph, that I'm not sure if you meant to do or not.
", then made a face ..." This is beginning of the first sentence. Who is making a face? The woman in the story, or the creatures? Also, That should be corrected without the comma and a capitalized word.
The other mistake is "How it annoyed the tittle blue-eyed boy?" Did you intend on writing 'Tittle'? It can be defined as "a tiny amount or part of something". And, I'm not certain, but I don't think a question mark was necessary.
A few times you had run-on sentences, but overall, your grammar and spelling was awesome
I thought I should point out, that it seems rather unlikely for someone to swallow an entire bottle of pills in one swoop. Perhaps change that to a couple at a time?

Throughout the story, I would've liked to see more development for Gloria, but I do enjoy the way you handled her overall story, and mentioning her brother, 'Phil'. It gave her a more personal attachment to the readers.

The ending was very interesting, in fact it was my favorite part of the story. I personally, love creepy stuff!
I would've enjoyed seeing a more detailed description on the creatures however, though the last few lines gave me an idea. I'm dying to know why the creatures were purposefully trying to get her to die though. You should consider writing another story to answer that
I'm rather pleased with this story! The suspense and creepiness was superb. Minus my few suggestions, I just want to say, that you did an excellent job on this piece. I wasn't expecting the ending at all. I was actually expecting it to be her having a psychological breakdown, because you mentioned a 'Phil', which i take it, was her brother, whom died. Anyways, I loved this story. You are an excellent writer!

Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

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Thu Jan 08, 2015 3:52 am

Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hello.

I'm just going to repeat my previous review:

You're lacking forward movement in the plot, going straight to a flashback after 3 ~~paragraphs~~ sentences. Beginnings need a certain amount of forward momentum to be interesting and gripping. You're simply stating emotions instead of going in depth to the physical, internal, mental roots of it.

You haven't developed her character at all. "This pain in her heart" isn't describing the roots of grief. That's telling us she's in pain. Digging into the roots of her grief would be saying "her heart hurt with every beat, hands heavy with an emotion she couldn't quite describe, breathing restricted by a vice from him not being there anymore."

Her emotions from waking up from a nightmare are also not explored. If I remember anything about nightmares, I also remember they stay and linger with you. But instead of getting snatches of why her nightgown clings to her, which would be interesting, we get get a flashback, which is not.

This article on beginnings might help. Your first line, in particular, needs polishing. Cutting the "as" and making it two independent clauses, or a compound sentence not reliant on that word (you can easily replace it with "when") and removing the comma to not draw attention to the word would be helpful.

Honestly, this beginning takes on an air of a grandmother telling some romantic story to her grandkids. You use a lot of long sentences, meandering language ("Ah, [statement]"), and generally I don't get much tension at all from your actual prose itself. You don't need to illustrate every single little sound, movement, utterance, and physical reaction in onomatopoeia (words that sound like the noise they're describing); remember conservation of detail and only put in what brings value to the work itself. Unless it moves your plot forward or shows some absolutely critical detail about your protagonist (what sounds they make when emoting usually is not on this list unless it's particularly unique), you really shouldn't be including it.

"Showing" is not unpacking things to the point they're boring; that's unnecessary detail. "Showing" is making us feel what the characters feel instead of telling us they're feeling something. "Showing" is having a character snapping and yelling at others instead of telling us they have a temper. This is a rough breakdown on the difference.

Tighten. Tense up. Move forward. Don't monologue about everything that's gone wrong in the past; hint at some terrible event that's upsetting the character while you keep having her do things and move around, then introduce the actual plot. I don't want to find out her brother killed himself until ten thousand words in, after she's made a deal with a spirit and people are wondering why she did that to herself and she yells at them it was a way to stop the pain of his suicide.

Use chapter 1 to introduce the actual main plot that'll drive this piece forward. Use later chapters to reveal her history. You have a whole book to give us information. Act like it.

~Rosey

Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

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Wed Jan 07, 2015 2:24 pm

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TimmyJake wrote a review...

Timmy heeeere, as requested. :3

Wow, you begin this book off with a bang. o.o Talk about a dramatic beginning. When I read through this the first time, I just kept reading through the last bit over and over, thinking: "this cannot be happening already." But it was, and you killed off your main character (or so she seemed) within five pages. Either you're playing around with us, or you're the meanest author I have ever met. How could you do this to meee, to your readers? >.< IT WAS WONDERFUL. I absolutely loved that. How you went about and sucked us into your story by introducing your character by her death - how you're going to pull that off for future chapters, I have no idea. But it worked in this chapter. Really, it worked so well. I am either going to have to pry some secrets from you on how you do this ~~with chocolate~~, or I will have to hit you upside the head for doing this to us in the first chapter. >.< Still haven't made up my mind.

So with this review, I am going to turn a blind eye to any technical mistakes there may be (although you should take a look, as there are quite a few throughout), and focus solely on what else you can do to improve this. Let's hope I can say something that your other gazillion reviewers haven't!

One thing I see in this chapter is unnecessary detail. While I read through this, I am reading stuff that is almost repeated over and over - saying the same thing, but in a different way. In many places, you build up a scene or image that should be hushed and left quiet in a corner. The beasts and whispers in her ears are brought to be too much, I think, and while they are an important part of the scene, there is so much focus and description and thought on them, it's difficult to sort out the piece sometimes. I'll show you an example.

As she returned her gaze to the mirror she shrieked, almost tripping as she jumped back with horror-stricken eyes. She could have sworn she saw a tongue, long and forked like that of a snakes, licking her ear.

So much attention paid to something she can't even see? It breaks the focus of the piece, and makes me think the monsters (or whatever they are) are the focus of the piece, the centerpiece of this chapter, so to speak. Because everything about them is done in such great detail, and all of this is structured to accommodate their presence in this piece. If this were my work, I would try to tone down how often they are mentioned and allow us to focus on Gloria, who is the most important. Allow them to fade into the background of the descriptions and thoughts for the most part, and then bring them in when they're needed to encourage her to commit suicide. Because, really, she was doing a good job by herself without help. It almost seems as though they're stuck in the piece like a sixth finger, not seeming in their rightful place. When I think about what they accomplished here, I come up with one thing: ensuring Gloria commits suicide. But when I look at the piece with them excluded, it still seems as though she would have committed suicide, anyway. Without their interference, she would have been just as dead. Unless they're a great matter of important to the story, which they may be, I think it would be best to allow Gloria to commit suicide by herself. If they are very important to the chapter and book (I have not read other chapters, so just going off what I see here), then let them fade to be not taking up the spotlight so much. Think about it this way: This is Gloria's only time for us to know her. Allow her to be in the front position for this short time. :3

You have too many sequences of action. No, I am not talking about action like Captain America beating up the bad dudes, I'm referring to character actions. She did this, she did that kind of stuff. In your writing, you tend to recite them almost like a list--

she lay herself down on top of the blanket, closed her eyes and prepared herself for a peaceful going.

--which reads as boom, boom, boom. It has a jerky kind of flow, and isn't very... personable. This is only an occasional thing in your writing, and something you fall into when the character is moving about. Like above ^^ When writing, it isn't necessary to describe every action the character makes. It isn't like a movie where if the TV went black for five seconds in the middle of a scene, we would be lost. Your readers can fill in the blanks in many places. Allow them to insert some actions, some automatic actions we've all seen and done thousands of times. When she was turning on the water, for example. When she was filling her cup, for another. When writing these parts, give your reader some room to use their imagination. Like, don't describe the pills. They're pills. Easily fabricated in your imagination. We've all seen them. Tweak it and see what you can do with revisions.

This piece seems somewhat confused in many places, switching between POV and focus as though it's fashionable. The parts where the vulture and other thingy were talking while Gloria was still alive? Veryyy confusing, and mislead me for a moment. I truly had no idea what was going on during that part, because I was beginning to be pulled into your character and scene... and then you pulled an upper-cut, throwing me into a different perspective and conversation. It isn't that you have to stay with the same point of view in the same chapter (omniscient and third person unlimited is done quite often), but the focus needs to stay the same throughout, and what's important must be given the first place. All else can happen later, if need be.

Your descriptions, while being quite lovely and so purdy -- ;_; -- are too extensive and focus on unnecessary things. Such as the one where she is describing the outdoors, and the bare branches on the trees. Remember: you only want to describe what matters to the scene and the character. Gloria is inside a room, and she isn't going to venture outside. Why give us a paragraph+ description on it, then? While it may make your reader have a lovely image of the outdoors, it takes them away from your story and breaks down your pacing. Lighten up on that, and only give us the descriptions which matter.

So this chapter was a wonderful way to begin. While the first sentence wasn't exactly a "hooker", the entire chapter as a whole turned out to suck me in like nothing else. You're good at being subtle - proposing question after question in this piece, but never supplying an answer to them. Which is perfect. Because the following chapters are meant for answering every question we have. This chapters sole purpose is to introduce us to the story and the character (we also said farewell o.o), and to hook your reader. Having accomplished both, I would deem this chapter as a success. And your descriptions were amazing, beautiful, entrancing - loved them. If you're going to be continuing this, please ping me. I would be happy to pop in for continuing reviews.

~Darth Timmyjake

Points: 672
Reviews: 39

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Wed Jan 07, 2015 12:11 am

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Inspiredravens wrote a review...

Hey there *trumpets sounding* I have come to review!

So, for starters, what I first began to notice with this piece were the phonic/grammar mix-ups, so I will put plenty of nitpicks in this review for you. That being said, this will probably be a very long review since every sentence counts and shredding manuscripts helps to analyze every little bit. Anyways, here we go!

Gloria sat up in the dark, giving up on the idea of a good night's rest.

Okay, so this is your very first sentence *yay* but it falls a little flat for a first sentence. You are telling us that she gave up on a good night’s sleep instead of walking us through why she is giving up on this and how. Tell me that the darkness that usually cloaked her mind easily now doesn’t and her heart is racing for reasons she doesn’t know. Is it too hot or too cold in the room? Why? Show us more than simply saying that she gives up on sleep, because otherwise it makes it seem like you just couldn’t think of any other good way to begin this...

Next two her a pair of red eyeballs blinked.

She didn't see them, but they were right there, floating in the darkness, a little above her. They were wedged deep inside the bony head of the creature squatting on her bed and snarling its silvery fangs like it was going to bite her head.

Nitpick: “Next two her” needs to be “Next to her”
Also, this is quite the twist that what one expects after Gloria gives up on sleep. It is somewhat confusing the way it is introduced since you just say there are eyes next to her, but she doesn’t see them. If she doesn’t see them then either don’t tell us (since we are reading her perspective, so if she doesn’t see them then we don’t) If you want to tell us that it was there but she didn’t know, then perhaps consider writing from the creature’s perspective in a way so that we know its intentions but we don’t know the girl’s (since that seems to be the halfway in between reason right now. We know exactly how the creature looks and where it is, but nothing about the girl. If this creature is as terrifying as it seems and it is right next to her, either Gloria is acting like she never sees it, or she really is that stupid. (no offense, its just how it is coming across right now)
*believe me, I had someone tell me that my character looked like an idiot and it took me a while to realize it, but I don’t mean to come across as offensive, If you could give us more show with motives and feelings straight from the beginning, then we wouldn’t be wondering about it now since you only have given us things that we can see with our eyes.*
That being said, there are 6 senses in my writing philosophy:
- sight
- touch
- smell
- sounds
- taste
- thoughts/feelings/motives
If you only focus on one or two senses, then it can seem like you are telling us a little more than you should. Let me feel the pressure of darkness around her instead of telling me that she saw black.

Gloria's hand found the lamp switch on the drawer next to her, and as the room lid up she dragged her feet out of bed, with no idea of the thing beside her.

NItpicking: you don’t need any of the commas in this sentence because you have the “and” and it flows out normally anyways

Taking deep, labored breaths she stationed herself by the wall left of the bed and opened the window.

Okay, so again, this is telling instead of showing with where she is in the room. I know that might seem like showing since you are trying to show us where she is, but you are telling us “she stood here.” The best idea is that if it really[i] doesn’t matter to move the story along, allow the reader to have their own picture of the room. Tell us she moved to her favorite window. You dont have to tell us that the window is on the right wall beside the door since it won’t matter. The magical thing about books is that we picture the world in our own way, it isn’t very fun when the world is perfectly pointed out and controlled unless it is absolutely necessary for the story. Otherwise you are just wasting words (and on your behalf, that is never fun either)

Leaning out into the night she sucked in the winter air. Her eyelids came together as a breeze cooled the sweet on her face, she might even have smiled contentedly, if her deceased brother's face didn't pop up in her head every time she shut her eyes, and filled her anew with sorrow.

I absolutely loved the way you set up the first sentence and everything in it. I can feel it and it feels chilling and somewhat good. Perfect! But then you slip into the reason why she gave up on sleep- that needs to be put where she gave up on sleep, not here. The reader will understand why she does or doesn’t smile, and you can even keep this whole thing together as long as you put this reasoning of her not being able to sleep because of her brother in the beginning where it belongs so we understand then and not now.

This whole section is a beautiful idea and pretty well written, only you are still just giving the feel of the air on her skin, of her eyelids closing, of her hand finding the lamp. Obviously she doesn’t see much since she completely missed the creature, but that is okay, you just have to give us another sense as well unless you tell us that her nose is numb and she can’t smell much or that her ears are ringing in the silence- give us something.

"I can't go on like this. I just can't." she breathed with sobs, her droopy eyes roaming to the snow-covered parking lot cloaked in silent darkness three floors below.

Okay, we can work with this

So she is speaking, which is great, we get a good sense of how she is feeling through this, but she is breathing with sobs and droopy eyes. If you are crying, I am pretty sure that your eyes aren’t drooping exactly, they might be puffy or sensitive or something, but droopy conveys tired and if she is crying then tired isn’t the first thing on her mind. The ending of this sentence with the snow covered parking lot and everything is just beautiful and we get a perfect sense of how it all looks, but her emotions to her reasoning and motive are a little disconnected since she just gave up on sleep, slipped to the window, and now suddenly she is crying over her dead brother. Show us her reason for not being able to sleep, then have her slip to the window, feel the air on her skin, then the tears can begin to come and then the dialogue.

The trees that bloom with life throughout most of the year had been stripped to bare branches by a month-long winter.

Beaufitful imagery, but how is this winter only a month long and there’s already snow on the ground? (just thought I’d point this out)

people who like her were probably too troubled to fall asleep. Would any of them notice her leap out of the window?

Nitpick 1: need commas around “like her”
Nitpick 2: “leap” is a little out of tense. If you “if she leapt” or another word of your choice, then it might work better

Leaning her elbows on the window sill she planted her forehead on her palms and sighed.

Nitpick: need a comma between “sill” and “she”
And the imagery is beautiful and well planted. It all sound pretty realistic for how someone would act

Over by the bed, the creature arose cloaked in a garment of shadows and descended upon her. It brandished row upon row of needle-like teeth as it grinned next to her head, pleased the seeds it had been planting in her head were exerting their influence on her reasoning.

Okay, you are double timing a little bit here. You can be an omniscient third person writer, but it can get hard and tricky with audiences. The fact that this girl has no clue that this beast is near her is odd and we are curious to know why she can’t see it. This creature is freaky, and I like that you got into its head here (which was almost perfect in a sense). I do have a few things, though...
Nitpick 1: arose can be just “rose” with either a comma after it or you can end the sentence there and begin the next part with “It was cloaked…” Or your choice of wording.
Nitpick 2: “descended” doesn’t seem quite right here since it is usually used to describe something like an evil beast beginning its attack, not just moving closer

Gloria anxiously peeked over her shoulder, but little did she know, that although all she saw was an untroubled room, she was directly staring into a pair of smoldering red eyes.

Okay, good idea, but why? Why does she anxiously peer over her shoulder if she is crying and staring out the window? Why is this creature sneaking up behind her. If you are going to do double-time then you’d better do it good. Instead of telling us that she couldn’t see this creature, tell us from the creature’s perspective (you could have a lot of fun with that) by showing us that he is cocky or confident in being so close to her because he knows that she cannot see him. Is he on a mission? is he alone and just fooling around? If you’re going to have his perspective and his feelings in there then we need to know

and fluttered its grimy feathers. All Gloria saw was a branch swinging in the wind. A shapeless shadow darkened the ceiling of her room right that minute before taking the form of an orb outside her window.

Nitpick: extra space after the period
Also, from “All Gloria saw…” to the end you could make it flow a little better by connecting those two sentences with an “as” so “All Gloria saw… as a shapeless…” and you do not need to say “right that minute” since the story is in the moment. You will build the suspense better if you do not point out that it is suspense by saying it.

"Imbecile! Were you not supposed to be keeping watch for signs of the host? You know the fate of deserters." a voice thundered from the orb as streaks of light lit it up like a fireball.

Okay, very interesting, good evil going on, I like it. Only, I would move half of the dialogue tag to the middle of the dialogue (maybe after imbeciles or the sentence after that one) this way we get a picture of who is saying it before having to go back and remake the picture in our minds. It is the same reason why you never want to use adverbs to describe your dialogue (she said quietly) because it does you no good by then.
I find it very interesting that she can neither see nor hear any of this, yet she can feel the creature’s touch and he smeared dirt on her clothes. Just interesting… Are they in a middle world of sorts? Are you enjoying not explaining? (because, you know, that can be fun too *winks*)

"But there's nothing in the skies master." The vulture whined, cringing away from the orb with scared little black eyes.

I am confused, who is the orb talking too? If it is sitting just outside of the window, I assumed that it was addressing the creature, but now the vulture is answering and cringing away. Does this orb hold power over the others? (just questions running through my mind that don’t actually have to be answered in this book)

"Shutup, you fool!" The orb boomed, just about forcing the vulture from its perch.

Nitpick: “Shutup” needs a space in between- its two words.
Also, instead of telling me that the voice nearly knocked the vulture off the branch, talk about the vulture clinging for its life against the force of the voice.

Gloria was starting to shiver with all the icy air that was blowing in, and so she decided to close the window, but no sooner than she had began drawing it close it blew wide open again with an angry gust. Startled she leaped back with a curious stare on her face.

Instead of telling me that she decided, give me her thoughts. Was the wind blowing too harshly for her? was she finally cold instead of hot and restless? How is she feeling and what are her motives and thoughts about this that she can’t see. Also, I am guessing that the windows are more like french-door style since the wind could blow it open, because wind can’t push up a window… (again, just thoughts in my mind)
Also, “she leaped back with a curious stare on her face”? She just leaped back, either she is curious or frightened, its very hard to be both at the same time… Pick one

Although she couldn't see it an orb was thrumming with energy right in front her. A moment later it began to morph back to the creature that had been haunting her all night.

Nitpick: “although she couldn’t see it an…” needs to have a comma in between “it” and “an” or you can reword the sentence.
And so this orb is the creature? It seems that I have missed something… perhaps you could put it back when the orb goes through the room that the creature slunk back and became the shadows again, only the shadow moved this time… Just something so that we get a better picture.

"KILL YOURSELF!" it growled in her face, baring its fangs. Just then, a tongue slithered out of its leathery lips and into her ear as if it was going through a gaping hole on the side of her head. Gloria winced almost instantaneously, rubbing her ear, which felt like it was on fire.

Okay, so you have a good idea going with this thing, but you contradict your own words a little (but that just takes practice and that’s okay). The main thing here, is you don’t need all caps to get across what you are trying to say. You can just put an exclamation point at the end and [i]trust your reader to understand that it is yelling, which brings me to the next thing- either the creature is yelling or growling (which tends to be much lower), so you can’t have both. It can wail and yell, it can screech and be yelling, but not growling and yelling, those just don’t quite fit.

Nitpick: you have redundancy with ear used here twice too close together. Again, trust your reader, if we don’t understand then we’ll tell you. One of the best ways to catch redundancy is to read your document out loud to yourself (or have google read it to you) and then you can catch it.

Gloria wasn't completely sure how she got there, but a minute later she was standing before the bathroom mirror,

If she doesn’t know, then it seems like you didn’t know. Tell us why she is doing what she is doing, we understand the jumping out of the window thoughts, but we don’t understand the not jumping out of the window thoughts

weird feeling of being watched returned stronger.

So here, good that you mention what she is feeling, but you never mentioned that feeling before and therefore it cannot be “returning”

Her pink trembling fingers went for a red cup in the corner, and the small white bottle next to it labeled Ambien. She filled the cup up with water, and then put it down on the basin, as she proceeded to open the bottle, and stare down into it at at least a dozen blue little pills.

Good, beautiful imagery and we can clearly see what is going on, but you don’t have to tell us each of these actions. We have all gotten a glass and a bottle of pills before. Unless this is key and different and moves the story along, then you should shorten it and make it flow a little bit better (in other words, its okay to keep this idea, just make it a little less choppy if you do)

Dang. Okay, just- wow. Very very interesting story with beautiful imagery in most places. Very interesting story and I love the way you left the cliff hanger thing on the end. I love the whole idea and story line so far, it just needs a little grammatical help is all. The storyline is definitely there and proud and perfect, my only beef is that you split up your perspective since it can be rather confusing (and also hard on your end) to write about both and all 6 senses of both at the same time. If you do half of the chapter with one perspective and then half of the chapter with the other, it might flow better, but again, this is all your decision, your choice whether or not you take my advice and whatnot. Over all, I loved the story and I hope to read more soon

Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

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Tue Jan 06, 2015 9:09 pm

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Shady wrote a review...

'ello!

Shady here, as requested.

Next ~~two~~ her a pair of red eyeballs blinked.

~ to.

creature squatting on her bed and snarling its silvery fangs

~ Hm, I'm not sure this is entirely possible. Snarling is more of an action where something bares its fangs and growls-- not something that is done to its fangs, which is how this reads.

Gloria's hand found the lamp switch on the drawer next to her, and as the room lid up she dragged her feet out of bed, with no idea of the thing beside her.

~ At first I was just going to point out that it should be "the room lit up" not 'lid' up... but I think this might be stronger if you made it into two sentences. Like so:

"Gloria's hand found lamp-switch on the night table next to her. She dragged her feet out of the bed as the room lit up around her, completely unaware of the thing crouched behind her."

Or something.

It brandished row upon row of needle-like teeth

~ Mm, again, I'm not sure this is entirely possible. "Brandishing" something implies it's not attached to your body. It's something you wave, usually in order to threaten someone. You brandish a sword. You can't exactly brandish your teeth. Maybe use "bared" or something like that?

"KILL YOURSELF!" it growled in her face, brandishing its fangs.

~ Again, with the issue of not really being able to brandish your own fangs or teeth (which, BTW, fangs and teeth are two different things-- don't use them interchangeable. Fangs administer venom, teeth are bony structures).

Also, the main thing that I was going to point out in this quote, there are other ways to show emphasis than all caps. You should try to think of a way to explain what he would've sounded or looked like, as he was saying that. Be descriptive. Don't use all caps. It's not classy, haha.

Gloria hugged her waist as a wave of raw emotion washed over her. She felt a strong urge to cry there and then. Tears were her sole comfort with her brother gone. She closed her eyes and clenched her teeth fighting back the raw emotion.

~ You use this phrase twice in three sentences. Maybe rephrase one of them?

exposing a cabinet filled with toiletries, medications and, cosmetics

~ misplaced comma. It should be just after "medications" before "and", not after the "and".

knocked back the entire bottle of blue pills in one fell swoop

~ She took over a dozen pills at once?

That just doesn't seem realistic.
~ ~ ~

Okay!

I think this piece has potential. It's got an interesting concept, and the fact that there were dark things lurking around that she couldn't see has a certain creepy air to it. I also like the influence that the unseen thing had over her mind. It's mysterious and dark. Well done.

I think if you slowed down and described your... demons? Whatever they are a bit more, it would be really beneficial to your piece. I'm still a bit confused about what exactly they are.

Let me know if anything if you have any questions. Keep writing!

~Shady

Points: 670
Reviews: 10

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Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:46 pm

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Northstar wrote a review...

hieee

okay so i have not read anything written by you other than this.

the grammar was almost perfect but you had a few spelling mistakes in the starting which i am sure you can correct by proof reading once and its no big deal. all of us make these mistakes so dont worry.

now to the content part, i think there was nothing wrong with your work , it was easy to read and interesting, but you could improve it easily and if i don't include that then this review will be utterly useless.

so,
you can give more intensity to this work by-
1= adding words that give it a spooky, dark feel since it seems to be an essential element of your chapter
2= the vulture's wings, feathers etc which would again help in the overall effect
3= focusing a bit more on Gloria's emotions and including metaphors to describe them (which gives a beautiful addition to any text, i think)

you could also describe Gloria's features like her hair colour or her eye, which would help place her... maybe you could at the beginning or when she stares at herself in the mirror.

and you could describe how her dead body looked.

---
those are what i would like to see as a reader but i think the most important thing to do before writing something is reading something written by a good published author in the same genre and then write so you can take tips on how to build atmosphere and intensity...thats what i do.

anyway, hope this helped!

Points: 536
Reviews: 23

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Tue Jan 06, 2015 7:40 pm

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LogicAndObjections wrote a review...

Heyheyhey, it's Nyan cat (just kidding) anyways here to review your work!

As I can see I love the suspense in this story, it really grips you in and leaning at the edge of your seat. It also raises a lot of questions, some that come to mind are who are these creatures? What did the creature/Gloria mean by she killed her brother by 'words?' Definitely wanting your audience to read more as they question the unanswered.

The only mistake I can see and point out/at x3 is:

"Next two her a pair of red eyeballs blinked."

It's not 'two' it's to, I know it's really confusing for me as well! But other than that I believe this story (err chapter) was nice. Your descriptive language was perfect, a plenty amount of description I would say!

As for spelling and grammar errors there was absolutely none to be found (excluding the top part I found) so pat on the back to you!

I await to read your other chapters as well and also more of your works ^_____^

Great job and keep writing!

Points: 17344
Reviews: 293

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 9:44 am

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BrumalHunter wrote a review...

Fiery Salutations

Well, your story may be under maintenance, but it is also in the Green Room. We now have a problem: How does one review a chapter when there is no chapter?

The solution is simple - you unpublish your story; however, I can understand that you wish to preserve your points, as you are still new to this society. I do not want to waste your time and you do not want to waste mine, so I shall be using this review to tell you out if what a good chapter should consist.

A chapter serves two main purposes: it should progress the plot (at least to some extent) and it should characterise (once again, to a certain extent). Every chapter you write should have a function - if it doesn't, then why even bother writing it?

Let's begin with progressing the plot. The events in this chapter must correlate with the events of earlier chapters, for example, you cannot say in Chapter X that Person A fell in love with Person B, but in Chapter Y you write of how Person A is destined to become a spinster. This analogy might seem inappropriate, but you understand what I am trying to say. Said situation can, however, be suitable when somewhere in between chapters X and Y persons A and B end their relationship, leaving person A devastated and he/she decides that he/she will never love anyone again. If you ever do write about something like that though, I strongly advise that you provide the readers with enough information so that they are not left confused - giving too much information can let readers think you find them stupid and that they require spoon-feeding, but giving too little is far worse.

You must also ensure that the jump between chapters X and Y is believable. If (and I shall continue with my previous analogy) persons A and B have been in love for two years already, it is highly unlikely that one argument would ruin the relationship. Once again, that can be the case if he/she caught her/him being infidelious and confronted her/him about it. You ought to realise by now that writing a chapter is extremely dependent on the particular novel, but just keep these hints in mind.

Characterisation, on the other hand, is usually influenced by the plot, but it can be completely independent as well. Characterisation can be achieved though the use of either dialogue or narration. When using narration, make sure that whatever it is you are saying is not an info-dump, as those are not nice to read. When using dialogue, make sure that it is stimulating and functional. If either your narration or dialogue is not effective, remove it.

In conclusion, make sure that everything you write is relevant. If it is not, ditch it.

This review was brought to you
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Points: 1219
Reviews: 558

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Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:53 am

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erilea says...

Oh. Okay.

Points: 4324
Reviews: 30

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Fri Jul 11, 2014 7:21 pm

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unpublishedperson wrote a review...

Hey there, unpublishedperson here to review!

I was really hooked by the previous chapter, so I am glad to see that this is finally up! I enjoyed this one a good deal. You did a good job keeping up the suspense- you didn't go to far into giving away things, but you told us just enough to keep the interest there. The fact that their father killed thier mother really adds some depth and complication to the story, and that fact alone wanted to make me keep reading.

I also was interested by the way that you portrayed the relationship between the siblings. To me it felt very intense, and just a bit disturbing, and I am interested to see where it is going.

While Gloria wanted to know about the other girl in his life.

I am think that this is a bit of a fragment, and you probably should include that with the previous sentence.

I have one complaint with the final scene. It seemed like it was not being told through Gloria's POV. If so, you need to make it clear who is narrating this scene. I found it confusing and hard to follow.

Overall, a good chapter, with just the right amount of suspense. I will be interested to see what awaits in chapter 3.

Hope this review was of use!