Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well, this was certainly a pretty interesting little story here...not too much happening but it definitely presents a pretty interesting little scene this one. Well more details down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He awoke, opened his eyes wearily, and sat up.

The room was gray, like normal, and the light from passing cars made him dizzy as they swept across the room in strips from behind the blinds. The clock glared a red "5:30" at him.

He tugged on his jeans, patting the pockets to make sure his wallet was still there from yesterday, and sniffed a few shirts before he found a maroon one that smelled relatively clean.

The bathroom light flickered on, washing the man in a sickly glow, making his skin seem yellow and greasy. It was. He forgot to wash his face last night, and he wiped rheum from the corner of his eyes, scrunching up his nose.

He shaved precisely, getting close enough to the mirror to taste his own stale alcohol breath. He was regretting it now, but the woman said she was a feminist, and bought him drinks instead of the other way around. It was strange, but he hadn't minded the free beers at the time.

Her hair had been long and dark, tied back in a braid, and she wore lots of necklaces. He didn't think she was wearing any makeup, but she was pretty anyway, her freckles collected on the bridge of her nose and spilling across her cheekbones.

He shaved the area over the brilliant bruise on his jaw carefully, though not carefully enough to avoid wincing. He knew he deserved it, but he wished that violence hadn't been the first line of defense. The boys would never let him hear the end of it at work today.

Hello, darling!

To begin with, I find this piece very realistic, and very intriguing to read. It's a nice insight into your character, and the glimpse of memory we get from him remembering the night before, especially when he brings up the woman at the bar and then moves on to examining the bruise. I think it's a good thing that you didn't disparage the woman in the narrative for being a feminist, just mentioning how he wishes she wasn't automatically violent.

That being said, I think your syntax is a little bland, even for a drab character with a hangover. The opening sentence doesn't grab the reader, and they honestly have no reason to read on. A lot of your sentences repeat the same syntax, but that actually comes around to a nice routine effect, making it seem like this is something that the man does every time he has a hangover, especially the little details like checking for his wallet and such. I will admit that I was a bit confused when it went from the maroon shirt straight to the bathroom light flickering on, and I think you could benefit from having a small transition sentence in there, such as "He stumbled into the bathroom and flipped the light switch" or something the like.

I really enjoy the characterization of the man, and how he freely admits that it was his fault, when so many would simply say "she was overreacting" or "I didn't mean it that way" and leave it at that, accusing the woman of not appreciating their advances. It's quite refreshing, and I found this to be an enjoyable read. Keep writing!

Hah, great short-story! If you are on Team Aqua, though, I want to crush you...

I really liked how you talked about the woman, making us get acquainted with her. Not like the same with the man, of course. although this was descriptive and everything, I would like a little more dialogue, maybe the man talking to himself, or something else. Happy Review Day, and I wanna crush you!

Hi.

This was a nice little piece, about a well-covered topic, but you isolated it to have it as your major focus, which isn't something I've really seen something done before.
I didn't like your opening line:

He awoke, opened his eyes wearily, and sat up.

He tugged on his jeans, patting the pockets to make sure his wallet was still there from yesterday, and sniffed a few shirts before he found a maroon one that smelled relatively clean.

Hey Valhalla,

Welcome to YWS. I hope you are enjoying a lot here.

Well I have to admit the way you starting this story and wrote it until the end was pretty amazing! I liked your description.

I am not a typical grammar guy so won't really point out any mistakes there; I leave it on to someone else to do it for you.

The ending could have been better though. It looks to me a prologue of a novel or long story. I suggest you to continue and write an entire story on this idea because you have got this talent!

Anyway it was a great attempt writing a short story.

I hope to read more of your work. Keep writing and good luck.

Have a great day. Cheers

I really like this because its very descriptive. I've had some trouble with describing people well, but this is done very nicely. Its very realistic and I feel a lot of people could relate to this. And when you said "spilling across her cheekbones" I thought that was clever how you used works that are typically not used very often. Also I liked how he seemed sort of predictable but not enough to give away his story. It's very nicely done.