Young Writers Society

When you mentioned Turkish Delight, my stomach started to growl. It's about lunchtime where I am, LOL. Sorry, completely off topic.

The description of the sky in this poem is amazing. When you put most of the senses in a poem, it brings the reader into real life. What I mean by that is that I can actually see the sky changing color to the description of the sky in the poem right now. When you say, "Is a delicacy for the eye," this poem is it. I think this is one of my favorite poems so far. Very well done.

Ahhh hunny. You have done it again. Another impressive poem with multiple interpretations attached to it. On first impression, an observation of the sky, but what if it's slightly more than that? Could it be insight into the human psyche? I dunno. XD

Out the window to see

Turkish Delight sky

With white-boxed houses

And a fold of pinkish-yellow

Hovering above

Sporked arms reach for

The division wire

Travelling our whispers

Over the pavement

Ground obliterated

Into darkness

Shadows hide her neighbours

At the early hour

Turkish Delight sky

Is a delicacy for the eye.

Hey Emerald~
Aley here to finally get this out of the green room.

I like this poem better than "focaliser" because you don't feel like you're very trapped in what you're writing. It's nice to have the free range feel to this poem which gives you the ability to jump around with what you're talking about and explore all of the options available to you.

I would suggest working on your line breaks more in this poem. For a poem that doesn't say much, it takes really short snapshots of all the things it says instead of a broad panoramic.

In general lines are like their own little sections of a poem, a grouping of words that should be unique and developed as an idea which can add flavor when read alone, or with the whole stanza/poem. For me, not all of the lines do this and that's why I think you can improve them.

As a unit measurement the line should have it's own individual meaning, so when we get to "hovering above" the line sort of falls flat. While this does work for dragging out this long sentence into smaller chunks and slowing down the reader via the micro-pauses imbedded at the end of every line, interrupting the flow after just "hovering above" feels like it's too little to me.

You do well with some lines, don't get me wrong. The refrain is good, and I think that "shadows hide her neighbors" is another example of a good line.

The thing is when you end a line on "for" we're left wanting something else, and not seeing anything, it breaks up the flow of the reader's rhythm and invites them to leave. "Sporked arms reach for" is the line I'm talking about. If we had just the image of sporked arms [creative, using the eating utensil in the poem] then we have a concise image, but adding for draws us away from the sporked arm, and towards whatever is on the other side. A better way to break this would have been to put for on the line below it "for the division wire"

Not only does this break create a better image to linger on, but it invites us to read it as if something is happening to help/aid/because of the division wire, which is interesting as well.

When you have lines like "Hovering above" it doesn't really give us much of an image, but if you gave us a line like "And a fold of pinkish-yellow hovering above" we're left with a question about what it is hovering above, just like the 'for' conundrum we just fixed. You could do "And a fold of pinkish yellow hovering/above sporked arms reach" but it takes some of the drama away from sporked arms as well.

Honestly, I would suggest breaking it up into multiple sentences so that you don't have to use so many prepositions, or use your semicolons.

So let's move on to the big one now, "Out the window to see" this line has a couple problems with it. Not only does it start off the sentence as a fragment, because we don't know WHAT is out the window, or who is out the window, or if we're doing something, but it doesn't create much of a scene because what we're trying to look at is, well, out the window. You could change this really easily by saying something simply like "I look/" to start out the poem. This sort of addition would give us something to hold onto that's a human to, something to relate to.

Overall, I think the poem could get the most benefit from editing the line breaks to create an image or idea for each and every line. If you wanted to, it could also get a good dose of benefit from breaking it up into more sentences so that we're not trailing through one long modified idea.

-Aley

Just here for a comment. This is a pretty little piece you've written. I love the phrase 'turkish delight sky.' And your last rhyming pair was lovely. The flow is natural and the images you've painted in my head, magnificent. I will have sweet dreams tonight!

Pleasent. But a bit choppy. Particularily when you refer to her "shadows hide her neighbourhood". Is this an anomynous she? A self representation? Or a loved one. You need to explain your connection of pleasure with the sky. What time is it when you peer at the heaven? And it may seem stuck up, but I think you should vary your semantic flow a little more. Shallow I know, but a big vocabulary is known to garner attention.

Suggested revisions: Try to make the flow a little more consistent. I had to force the words into my mind repeatedly to make them follow a comfortable rhythm, and it took away from the beauty of the poem.
I usually won't ask for a poet to use punctuation if they have chosen not to use any, but without it, this poem genuinely confused me. I highly suggest using them in these general areas:
The change between hovering above and sporked arms.
The change between division wire and travelling.
The change between darkness and shadows.
The change between hour and Turkish Delight.

I don't know if you knew this, but my Spell Check just informed me that sporked is not a word, as is spork, or anything of the sporks family. Maybe change it to a word that is correct in the English language .

I was a bit confused by the ending two lines (Turkish Delight sky/Is a delicacy for the eye.) First off, they rhymed, which broke the flow for the entire poem as the rest didn't rhyme whatsoever. Secondly, they didn't add anything new, they kind of just repeated what you already expressed with all those words. That can be a good or bad thing, and for this, it borderlines. I do like your use of delicacy, though, so I'm going to let that one fly.

Lastly, I didn't feel much in this poem. Emotion is essential to a lot of poetry (not all, but for this one I really think you intended to be, to some extent, decently emotional). I barely felt a thing. Emotion, emotion, emotion! A repeated oversight exercised in poetry is poets believing that simply using descriptive words makes a poem very emotional. I see a bit of that in your poem (obliterated, shadows hide neighbours, etc.). Really, really, try to put in LOTS of emotion, even if that means shortening the poem a bit!
I really liked the comparision of the sky to Turkish Delight. Your vocabulary was good, and this poem shows a lot of promise with a little touching up.
Overall rating, 7/10.
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