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Vampirisi; Chapter Three

by CesareBorgia


Tyreese

I turned the pot of boiling water off, and I was mystified by the strange silence that filled the room. The TV was off, the shower was off.

I walked into the livingroom, and Lazareth was gone. He wasn't in the bathroom, or in his room. Something was wrong. I quickly changed into a hoodie and leggings. I then ran out of the hotel room and to the lobby.

I walked over to the doorman. "Have you seen a man in a leather jacket?" I asked.

"Yes, he went outside."

"Thanks." I said, and I walked over to the door.

"You're not welcome." the doorman said, and a green opalescent light appeared. It slithered through the door handles. I tried too push the door open, but it wouldn't budge.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm Evan. I work for Vampirial, otherwise known as the Vampire Royal Family." Evan said, and his nose shifted into a long snout, and a werewolf stood before me. Drool dripped from the fangs that curled through his bottom lip.

I ran, and I glanced at my hand, which was slowly transforming into long talons. I swung at the air, and a purple vortex appeared. Evan backed up, but the vortex forced him back into human.

"How did you do that?" he asked curtly, not accepting his defeat very well.

"I don't know, I just slashed at the air." I said, as the purple vortex withered into the air.

"You summoned a portal from the Underworld!" Evan exclaimed," I'm sorry, I have no choice."

"No choice to do what?" I asked.

"I have no choice but to surrender you to the Vampire Royal Family." Evan said, as he transformed back into a werewolf.

"You're not taking me anywhere!" I yelled.

I swung my talons in the air, three vortexes appeared, and Evan was forced back into a human. He quickly pulled his tooth out, and it transformed into a long blade. He slashed at the vortexes, and they dissected into two pieces, and withered into the air.

His sword cut into the air. Snow and debris submerged with it, and quickly pepilated towards me. I extended my hand. Red balls of fire appeared in my hands, and I threw them at the door.

A green light filled the room, and a gust of wind forced us back.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"That light is going to send us back in time, and we can only get out by Vampirial."

"Okay, so what."

"The gates of Vampirial are closed forever." he replied.

"I got this." I said pretentiously. Just before the light touched us, I slashed at the air once more, and a small ball of light apppeared. The ball consumed the green, opalescnet light and the ball expanded. Then the ball of light withered into the air.

"Now I have no choice." Evan said. A red light engulfed his hand, and cuffs appeared on my hands. Tightening as Evan made a fist with his hands.

"Why are you doing this, and where is Lazareth?" I asked.

"Lena took him, he's under a sleeping curse." Evan repiled.

We walked into the cold air, and Evan took a feather out of his pocket. He threw it in the air, and it transformed into a large eagle. He threw me on top of it, and followed me.

"To the Royal Castle." he commaneded, and the bird flew, guided by the midnight moon.

Lazareth

I woke up in a dungeon, steel walls surounded me, and handcuffs chained me to a wooden bench.

"Where am I?" I asked myself. My voice echoed in the small room. I don't know where I am, and I don't care, but I know that I can't stay long.

I pulled at the chains that engulfed my hands. Looking at the top of the cuffs, I noticed that they were slowly beginning to rust and lose their color.

The cuffs bacme warmer, as the dust slowly ate away at the metal. It slowly rusted away, and small shreds of metal flew in the air, until nothing was left but my bare hands.

I rubbed my hands on the wall. It began to dematerialize and wither into the air. Was it that easy to escape from this prison? I asked my self, as I stared at the large gap in the wall.

"I might be able to make skeletons with my necromancer powers." I told myself, as I clenched a fist. Walking over to the wall, I stared down at the ground. It was a mere smidget from where I stood, a good three hundred feet.

Sweat furiously beat down my forehead, as I tried my best to issue a skeleton from thin air. There was a loud pound on my cell door.

"Come so I can give you your food!" the guard yelled.

I was quickly running out of options. The cell door opened with a clatter. If I left now, I may be able to find Tyreese and run away. I heard the guard's feet clank on the hard, dusty floor. Looking back at the cell once more, I jumped out the window.

My clothes whipped in the wind, and glides of wind swept through my hair. In a matter of srconds I would be on the ground.

I willed myself to create a skeletal bird. I closed my eyes. The image defiled my mind. The albatrosses black wings were shrouded by darkness, and withered away in the air. I opened my eyes, and watched as the majestic bird procreated in the air. I grabbed onto it, and I climbed on it's back.

I stared at the large white castle, and softly landed on the ground. The gates surrounded the castle began to close. Should I save Tyreese, or myself. Now was not the time for cliche bullshit. I stared out at the gates. There was a strange platform that surrounded it. Was that... Vampirial? That way, I could become part of the Royal Family, and save Tyreese.

My feet kicked back the water on the wet blades of grass. The moon casted a pale glow on the grassy meadow. The gates were slowly closing, and I quickly ran towards them. I looked back at the castle. Nadiya and Greybaum were charging towards me.

My hands were engulfed by a green opalescent light. I pointed them towards them, and it issued a beam of light at them. They froze in their steps. Petrified by the light.

I turned around and ran towards the gates. More soldiers swarmed from the castle. Rubbing my hands against the gates, I watched as a hole formulated.

"Freeze, stay where you are, or we will be forced to shoot!" a guard yelled. Opalescnet lights shined on my face, as if I was a criminal. Suddenly, darkness issued from the wall, and I was shrouded in a cocoon of pitch blal.

Then I plunged. Plunged into the unknown depths of Vampirial.


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Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:18 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Cesare!

I can see that Birkhoff has given you an awesome review and covered most of the things I would've picked out myself. So I would like to double advise you on anything her said ^^ I will try my best not to repeat on his review and give you different things to think about when it comes to your chapter. It's good to have you back and see you posting readily already. I think it was good that this chapter was longer, and also that you added a bit more drama to this one. Occasionally the drama was hard to follow, but it is good to see it in there, nevertheless. I also like how you're giving us reappearances of old characters, like Nadiya, Evan and Greybaum.

I turned the pot of boiling water off, and I was mystified by the strange silence that filled the room. The TV was off, the shower was off.


The second sentence here seems a bit repetitive because you just mentioned how you mystified by the silence, so we take it for the granted that everything is switched off. Maybe wording this differently could make it fit in more. Something along the lines of: I turned the pot of boiling water off, and I was mystified by the strange silence that filled the room. Usually the background sounds of the TV or the shower drifted through the suite. But no, now it was quiet.

and Lazareth was gone. He wasn't in the bathroom, or in his room.


By saying Lazareth is gone, we know he is not in any of the other rooms already, so this part seems a bit unnecessary. However, if you want to keep it in there you can make it useful to us. mention that she opened the doors and checked the bathroom and his room, but he was no where to be find. Then we know she is still looking, which makes it more relevant.

"I don't know, I just slashed at the air." I said, as the purple vortex withered into the air.


I didn't like the repetition of the word 'air' here twice. I would suggest for the second one it be something like 'withered into nothingness' or 'withered and faded away.'

All of this is happening in a hotel lobby. But the thing about this is, just like when they were at the airport, hotel lobbies are usually pretty crowded areas. Unless Evan has done some magic thing to keep all the people away, there would be plenty of people watching their magic and his transformation. If you want an audience to be there you could do this and add the sound of screaming and panic to the disarray around them. But maybe it's best if Evan mentions something along the lines of him having cast a spell or something of the sort that left the lobby empty. Also, maybe Tyreese could even notice that the area is empty, but then shake her head and think nothing of it. It would be a good way to foreshadow the events to come, and hint at what might happen.

Also, is no one seeing the humans flying off on the back of an eagle too? I doubt Evan or anyone else for that matter has enough magical powers to keep all the humans away from the area so no one sees them taking off. But something like a cloaking spell or something that makes them invisible along with the eagle will work. Make sure you mention one of them casting the spell though. Doing this would add to realism of the story.

The battle between Evan and Tyreese seems a bit random. I mean, why does Evan need to capture Tyreese in particular? You need to explain the reasoning better, because for now I cannot see a plausible one. And seeing as Evan wants to take Tyreese to the royal family, which will be closer to Vampirial and they could possibly even grant it to her (which is what she wants), I don't understand why she doesn't just willingly go with him, without the battle going underway. He is taking her to where she needs to be, and she might get what she wants. There doesn't seem to be any conflict there in the two ideas when I type them, so there doesn't need to be any conflict in the chapter either. If you still want to include that battle, give us a good enough reason for them to fight, and it will be okay :)

Aside from this, where are all these powers coming from? Does this magic come with a price, or consequences at least? Does it drain on her energy, or make her dizzy, or hungry or something? Does her powers have limitations? Maybe you need to make some way of having a limit or a disadvantage otherwise there is no reason for them to not use their powers and can use them to solve everything endlessly. Which doesn't seem pretty fair or like it would make a very good story to me :) So, maybe this is something to think about. I find it a bit hard to believe Tyreese would say "I got this" when she has no clue how she is even using her powers. It's all working out so conveniently for her, because whatever she needs appears with her magic. Maybe have it go wrong at some point or some time, or something. Then we get to see the consequences of not knowing how your power works yet.

and I don't care, but I know that I can't stay long.


Why can't he stay long? Elaborate! We want to know what else he has that is pressing and he needs to hurry up and do. I know it's no fun to sit around a jail cell or day, but you make it sound like he has a job or mission to fulfill.

By the way, Lazareth jumps on a bird, and all of a sudden he is outside. Make sure you mention the transition. I would expect there to be a bit of flying through the building first, knocking things over and getting rid of the guards in way before he and the bird actually hit outside. So, make sure you mention that part of that perilous journey in there as well.

I am going to stop here for now because I have spent quite some time on this review. But Cesare, you've worked harder on this chapter and I can see it has improved some. Make sure you take all these reviews to heart, and I am sure you can get even better ^^ Remember, practice can only help :3 Let me know whenever you post the next chapter!

Deanie x




CesareBorgia says...


Thanks, I read each review over when I'm revising it. They are very helpful!



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Mon Jul 07, 2014 9:35 pm
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Cesare!

You have decided to break your absence and return to YWS sooner than you originally planned. You've even published a new chapter you've been working on. That's awesome.

So, I guess I should start off by acknowledging the fact that your chapters are now longer. This is something I've wanted to see for quite some time. It does, however, kind of look like you just stiched two of your character chapters together, but that doesn't matter. It's longer, and I guess I got what I wanted.

Now, this chapter was a bit hard to read though. There are a lot of things that doesn't make too much sense in it, there are several plot holes, and some of your new characters feel really off. They either come off in a sort of humorous way, or they appear just randomly in the story.
I'll get back to this.

There's also a bunch of grammatical errors within the piece. A lot more than usual. This could have used a better proofreading before being published. Lastly, there are even more repeated words. I'll bring up both of these again later.

Overall, it's hard to completely follow the story you are writing. There's a lot of things in it which doesn't remain consistant and you change it around.

I'd want more scene descriptions. I'm not entirely sure where exactly we are now. I think we are still within Russia, somewhere. Although beyond that, I have no idea. Apparently some sort of castle. Where the Vampire Royal Family resides. What's the history of this castle? And of the Royal Family in general?

I would also like to know what's up with Drefus at this point. I'm pretty sure you brought him over on the plane ride, so is he just hanging out in their hotel room, wishing he has his heart and stuff? I'm kind of starting to wonder what the point of that character was, seeing as both our main characters are now either with the royal family, or headed towards them.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

The TV was off, the shower was off.

Wait, why would the shower be on? Does the shower usually run? Or did she think Lazareth immidiately entered the shower?

I walked into the livingroom, and Lazareth was gone.

This comma is unnecessary. There are a lot of places where this happens, but I'll only use this example.

He wasn't in the bathroom, or in his room.

His room? This is a hotel. They also didn't distribute rooms when they arrived. Maybe just change it to; 'He wasn't in the bathroom or in any of the other rooms.'

"You're not welcome." the doorman said,

Alright, this was downright comical. Does he really say this? This is a weird character intro. Why is he dressed as a doorman?

and a green opalescent light appeared.

We've done this before. Where you use a lot of words over and over again, and I point them out. This is one of them. They reoccur several times in this piece and there are others as well. I'll get to that.

Edit
I tried to push the door open,


Suggestion
Drool dripped from the fangs that extended out over his bottom lip.
Otherwise, it sounds like his fangs are actually piercing through his lower lip. Ouch!

I ran, and I glanced at my hand, which was slowly transforming into long talons.
This part is inconsistent with earlier chapters where her fingernails transformed into talons, instead of the entire hand here. I figured you basicly meant claws earlier.

Suggestion
but the vortex forced him back into his human form.
This line could use some more descriptions. As could a lot of your lines, but I won't bring up too many. ;)

"I don't know, I just slashed at the air."

Really? She just slashed at the air... and summoned a vortex from the Underworld? And she has no idea how she did this? The magical part of your world is really skewed. How are vortexes from the Underworld not summon every day, all over the planet, if all it takes is some waving around with your arms? Doing jumping jacks at the gym would be a nightmare. O.o

Alright, now that we're in the middle of this fight between these two characters, I would like to know how they are able to do this unnoticed. Is there nobody else at all in this hotel? The lobby is empty? Not even a concierge behind the counter or anywhere else on the premise? You wrote a fight earlier as well, being fought in the middle of a public place. Nobody noticed then either. It irks me.

"I have no choice but to surrender you to the Vampire Royal Family."

After Tyreese somehow summons a vortex from the Underworld, this guy has no choice but to surrender him to the Vampire Royal Family...

What was he doing there in the first place? If he only now, after vitnessing this, decided to bring him in... why was he there? Just spying on him or something? His partner kidnapped Lazareth, so I can only conclude that this is why they were here. Why would he now have no choice if this was what he was going to do in the first place?

Snow and debris submerged with it,

Snow and debris? Where did that come from? The vortex?

We could really use some more description of these vortexes.

Edit
and quickly pepilated towards me.

I don't believe pepilated is a word. I'm also not sure what kind of word you are trying to go for, so the entire sentence takes a dive.

Red balls of fire appeared in my hands, and I threw them at the door.

Again, your powers doesn't appear to be consistent. She can now conjure up fireballs? Quite an impressive feat.

"That light is going to send us back in time, and we can only get out by Vampirial."
Okay, so after sending fireballs at the door... a green light somehow fills the room. And it is going to send them back in time? What?!

Ugh, I am struggling so hard with this chapter. Your previous ones were much more grounded.

"Okay, so what."

:D

"Oh my god, this is going to send us back through time!"

"Okay... so what?

...

Come on, this is really her reaction? The lack of a question mark there also adds to the already nonchalant reaction.

Edit
"I got this." I said pretentiously. Just before the light touched us, I slashed at the air once more, and a small ball of light apppeared. The ball consumed the green, opalescent light and the ball expanded. Then the ball of light withered into the air.
Yup, no problem though. She'll just whip out some more Mary Sue powers and stop everything. You also used a repeted word in there, and typed it wrong. ;)

A red light engulfed his hand, and cuffs appeared on my hands.

Again... these powers, man. Evan was a werewolf, right? How can he summon handcuffs onto people? In there, we also have engulfed, which is another word you keep repeating. Tone them down.

Edit
"Lena took him, he's under a sleeping curse." Evan replied.
Quick typo.

Evan took a feather out of his pocket. He threw it in the air, and it transformed into a large eagle.
Alright, it's just a magical item. I'll buy it. I'm again wondering where all the people of this world is, as so many people can witness these awesome things that are happening. Maybe they booked into the Overlook Hotel? Not so many folks around? (The Shining reference) ;)

Edit
"To the Royal Castle." he commanded,

Another quick typo. I also feel that midnight came pretty early, as it doesn't feel like a lot of time has passed.

I pulled at the chains that engulfed my hands.

More of these.

Edit
The cuffs became warmer, as the dust slowly ate away at the metal.
The further into the chapter we get, the more grammatical errors we encounter. As I said, a good proofread would be good.

Right now though, we are again having one of those moments when I marvel at the powers these characters apparently have. We are with Lazareth now, and apparently he can melt metal handcuffs with his mind, as well as bringing down stone walls in a similar manner.

Edit
I asked myself, as I stared at the large gap in the wall.

One word.

as I tried my best to issue a skeleton from thin air.

Seeing as Lazaret is a necromancer, these powers I can buy. However, the norm is that they can resurrect a body or skeleton to life, but they'd need that to do it. Just materializing a skeleton out of thin air doesn't fly much.

If I left now, I may be able to find Tyreese and run away.

How did he know that Tyreese was also kidnapped and taken here, though?

Edit
In a matter of seconds I would be on the ground.

Large, obvious typo. Too many of these in this chapter.

I willed myself to create a skeletal bird.

Hey, speaking of flying though. You know what wouldn't fly? Skeletal birds.

Yeah, I don't know why you specified it as a skeletal bird, but that wouldn't be able to fly. I'd change this up, so that he just summons or calls some sort of large flying creature.

Edit
I grabbed onto it, and I climbed on its back.

Easy error to make, though easy to master once you learn it.

It's - It is
Its - Possessive

Was that... Vampirial?

Towards the end here, things get hard to follow. Like here, you assume that Vampirial is out there...at some sort of platform? But I thought Vampirial was something you achieved?

Edit
The moon cast a pale glow on the grassy meadow.

Past participle. Though 'casted' was the common norm in old versions of English, it is not today. It has essentially been replaced, with 'cast'.

My hands were engulfed by a green opalescent light.

Both of them together now. This is getting time consuming. xD

Edit
More Soldiers swarmed from the castle.
You never mentioned soldiers coming from the castle. So I'd remove the 'more' part. And, obviously then, capitalize the S.

Edit
"Freeze, stay where you are, or we will be forced to shoot!" a guard yelled. Opalescent lights shined on my face,
This is the Royal Family castle, right? No doubt inhabited by magical creatures? Why does it have guards with guns? And again... something opalescent makes an appearance. You again misspelled it, though.

Edit
and I was shrouded in a cocoon of pitch black.

Lastly, one more quick typo.

Alright, I think that was all I could comment on in this chapter. At least of what I was capable of understanding. Your story got quite hard to follow in this one. ;)

I'm not going to lie, Cesare. You can do a lot better than this.

Your writing is often a lot better than this. It's more cohesive, it makes more sense, your characters actions feel more right, and your grammar is a lot better. From a grammatical point of view, this felt rushed.

One thing I'd like to mention is that you are great at coming up with awesome, interesting names. In this chapter though, we got one new character introduced, and his name is Evan. Alright name, I suppose, but your awesome name history let me a bit down.

Your creativity is still top notch though. In the end, that's the most important thing. You could be the greatest writer in the world, yet without a hint of imagination... what would be the point?

Continue writing and stick to YWS, you will only get better and better. I'm still intrigued by the wacky things you come up with in this series. I'll be waiting for the next one.

Keep it up, Cesare!


Cheers
Birkhoff




CesareBorgia says...


Thanks, yeah I was in a little writer's block, so there is a lot of revisions needed.



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Sun Jul 06, 2014 4:47 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

What Went Well

- Personally, I find the heavy use of dialogue to be good in any writing, so I enjoyed this work because of that
- You seem to have religious undertones to this work, which makes it a bit more of a diverse read.
- The narration is very action orientated: this helps the pacing and it does move very quickly. The chapter is not all that long either so it goes very quickly XD


Even Better If

- The chapter was a bit longer and went into more detail about the characters
- You described what the characters were feeling, especially after dialogue, the use of speech tags can be very important
- Consider using more description among the dialogue :)


Keep writing. :)




CesareBorgia says...


Thanks



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Sun Jul 06, 2014 3:57 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



The beginning is a bit dry. I would look over those sentences and try to spice up the structure, vary it.

Same for the narrative throughout actually. Try to vary your sentence structure to create better flow. Don’t always start with “I did this, I did that.”

Your descriptions are very skinny. You really need to give us more detail, set up the settings and the characters better. At least give us a sentence or two to describe surroundings and help the reader imagine the action.

So yeah, that would be my bigger concern at the moment, improve readability. What you have now is just a list of this happens and then that happens and he says this and etc. You really need that filling; you can’t bake a cake without batter. So just sit back, relax, imagine the scene and the characters and the actions and paint them for us in words.




CesareBorgia says...


Thanks.




Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg