Hey there Cesare!
I can see that Birkhoff has given you an awesome review and covered most of the things I would've picked out myself. So I would like to double advise you on anything her said ^^ I will try my best not to repeat on his review and give you different things to think about when it comes to your chapter. It's good to have you back and see you posting readily already. I think it was good that this chapter was longer, and also that you added a bit more drama to this one. Occasionally the drama was hard to follow, but it is good to see it in there, nevertheless. I also like how you're giving us reappearances of old characters, like Nadiya, Evan and Greybaum.
I turned the pot of boiling water off, and I was mystified by the strange silence that filled the room. The TV was off, the shower was off.
The second sentence here seems a bit repetitive because you just mentioned how you mystified by the silence, so we take it for the granted that everything is switched off. Maybe wording this differently could make it fit in more. Something along the lines of: I turned the pot of boiling water off, and I was mystified by the strange silence that filled the room. Usually the background sounds of the TV or the shower drifted through the suite. But no, now it was quiet.
and Lazareth was gone. He wasn't in the bathroom, or in his room.
By saying Lazareth is gone, we know he is not in any of the other rooms already, so this part seems a bit unnecessary. However, if you want to keep it in there you can make it useful to us. mention that she opened the doors and checked the bathroom and his room, but he was no where to be find. Then we know she is still looking, which makes it more relevant.
"I don't know, I just slashed at the air." I said, as the purple vortex withered into the air.
I didn't like the repetition of the word 'air' here twice. I would suggest for the second one it be something like 'withered into nothingness' or 'withered and faded away.'
All of this is happening in a hotel lobby. But the thing about this is, just like when they were at the airport, hotel lobbies are usually pretty crowded areas. Unless Evan has done some magic thing to keep all the people away, there would be plenty of people watching their magic and his transformation. If you want an audience to be there you could do this and add the sound of screaming and panic to the disarray around them. But maybe it's best if Evan mentions something along the lines of him having cast a spell or something of the sort that left the lobby empty. Also, maybe Tyreese could even notice that the area is empty, but then shake her head and think nothing of it. It would be a good way to foreshadow the events to come, and hint at what might happen.
Also, is no one seeing the humans flying off on the back of an eagle too? I doubt Evan or anyone else for that matter has enough magical powers to keep all the humans away from the area so no one sees them taking off. But something like a cloaking spell or something that makes them invisible along with the eagle will work. Make sure you mention one of them casting the spell though. Doing this would add to realism of the story.
The battle between Evan and Tyreese seems a bit random. I mean, why does Evan need to capture Tyreese in particular? You need to explain the reasoning better, because for now I cannot see a plausible one. And seeing as Evan wants to take Tyreese to the royal family, which will be closer to Vampirial and they could possibly even grant it to her (which is what she wants), I don't understand why she doesn't just willingly go with him, without the battle going underway. He is taking her to where she needs to be, and she might get what she wants. There doesn't seem to be any conflict there in the two ideas when I type them, so there doesn't need to be any conflict in the chapter either. If you still want to include that battle, give us a good enough reason for them to fight, and it will be okay
Aside from this, where are all these powers coming from? Does this magic come with a price, or consequences at least? Does it drain on her energy, or make her dizzy, or hungry or something? Does her powers have limitations? Maybe you need to make some way of having a limit or a disadvantage otherwise there is no reason for them to not use their powers and can use them to solve everything endlessly. Which doesn't seem pretty fair or like it would make a very good story to me So, maybe this is something to think about. I find it a bit hard to believe Tyreese would say "I got this" when she has no clue how she is even using her powers. It's all working out so conveniently for her, because whatever she needs appears with her magic. Maybe have it go wrong at some point or some time, or something. Then we get to see the consequences of not knowing how your power works yet.
and I don't care, but I know that I can't stay long.
Why can't he stay long? Elaborate! We want to know what else he has that is pressing and he needs to hurry up and do. I know it's no fun to sit around a jail cell or day, but you make it sound like he has a job or mission to fulfill.
By the way, Lazareth jumps on a bird, and all of a sudden he is outside. Make sure you mention the transition. I would expect there to be a bit of flying through the building first, knocking things over and getting rid of the guards in way before he and the bird actually hit outside. So, make sure you mention that part of that perilous journey in there as well.
I am going to stop here for now because I have spent quite some time on this review. But Cesare, you've worked harder on this chapter and I can see it has improved some. Make sure you take all these reviews to heart, and I am sure you can get even better ^^ Remember, practice can only help :3 Let me know whenever you post the next chapter!
Deanie x
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Reviews: 1634
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