Young Writers Society

Hi there!

Oh, the irony! Nik is here to save Ari while she's off trying to find him. Something really mysterious is going on here. I think I know who's behind all of this, but I'm not totally sure. There's always gotta be a plot twist right?

I find it interesting that there is a lot of princesses and princes. When I think of a prince or princess, I think of an anarchy. And based on the titles your characters have (Pirate Queen, Vampire Prince), there are a lot of anarchies around. It would be nice to see the reason for this. I'm not really sure how you'd go about doing that really, but I wouldn't mind reading about that. For example, is Ari really a queen?? Or is it just a title that she was given. When she is done being the queen (I guess that would be when she dies) is there another pirate waiting to take her place? I guess I'm just curious about how all of these labels fit into life.

I look the letter I had received from a royal courier a week ago.

First off, you forgot the word 'at' here Secondly, where did this letter come from? I assume that Nik kept it in his pocket or something. However, when it comes to these kind of things, it's good to tell the readers.

I have to say, I disagree with r4. He mentioned that nothing really happened in this chapter, which is very far from the truth. It may just be a scene where Nik is getting taken to a cell, but he learns a lot along the way (as we do as well). He learns that his sister isn't there at all, that he got himself captured for no reason. And we also learn that the king is a part of this whole plot, sending Nik a letter about his sister. There is a lot of new information in this chapter and I like the way you reveal all that to us.

I'll head over and check out the next chapter soon!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Knight r4 here to review this work, Aurora. I saw this at the bottom of the green room so I figured I should tackle this work. I wonder why it has only been reviewed once. Anyway I hope this helps! Let's get through the nitpicks/things I liked first.

So it's true that only a fae can wear a glamour without harming themselves.

I assume that fae is supposed to be an abbreviation for faery though I have never seen anyone do that.

A wound on her cheek splits and starts to pour blood.

Youch! That has got to hurt. The guards must be pretty mean if they don't treat the wound!

"Bloody hell, mate.

Good grief! You don't need to use such strong language here!

I peer through the darkness and make out the distinct grey eyes of my friend and ally, Daniel Caedis, vampire prince.

Why would your main character be friends with a vampire. That is just kind of wierd.

The overall story is pretty good, minus the language. However I am not quite sure how this has anything to do with pirates. That might be because I jumped in in the he middle of this story. But it is interesting enough to maybe make me want to read more, so long as I have time. The only problem with this chapter is nothing really happened.

I didn't really think the description was a big issue like Renard did, so that is good. I just thought you could have a little more action.

Finally I didn't really understand how the bracelet thing worked. I thought you could have explained that some more. I don't really know exactly how it worked. I think that is all I wanted to say. Happy writing, Aurora!!!

Hello.

This comes across as one of the traditional vampire kind of stories or something. And I can't say why. maybe it's your avvie? XD
You have good dialogue:

I creep back up to the bars and angle my head towards the cell opposite mine. "Hey!" I yell in a loud whisper. "You there! Talk to me!" The girl in front of me raises her head wearily. Her back is covered with lash marks and stained with blood. Her hair, which must have been blonde, now lies in oily greyish brown ringlets. I can count each of her ribs, and her dress hangs off of her frame.

Good character names that characterise well.

I think the length of the chapter is perfect for the amount of time I like to spend reading, but for a novel may need to be a bit longer.

Also, adding more description might help building pictures. But the general balance is good.

I additionally like the pace of this work. Very nice to read. Very nice indeed