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She called

by ObserverxD


I was off fighting dragons and demons alike,

My soul filled with sorrow and joy intact,

Just as I was to end a troublesome foe,

The image dispersed, she called.

I dwelled in the realm of the Elven king,

I healed the wounds of manticore sting,

Back on my feet eager to brawl,

My vision blurred, she called.

I stared into the universe,I've seen it fall

I kicked Earth like it was a ball,

Spoke to God, turned led to gold,

The gold rusted, she called

I rubbed ambrosia on Achilies heel,

Taught Lucifer how to make a deal,

Sang of fallen, brave and bold,

My ears rang , she called

Woke up in the mud, feeding on stones,

they fell on my stomack, with different tones,

I drank my tears, and bit my tongue.

All was silent, it was my heart that rang.


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22 Reviews


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Thu Jul 03, 2014 5:40 am
Cairo wrote a review...



So this is a highly interpret-able piece which I found extremely enjoyable to read. I can't say I know what it means at nearly midnight on very little sleep but it was certainly excellent and it has a very melancholy feeling to it. Perhaps it's a shout-out to life, wherein we all feel like we've done these things sometimes.

My nitpicks are more with your rhyming than anything. You have some particularly well-chosen rhyming lines, such as "I rubbed ambrosia on Achilies heel, / Taught Lucifer how to make a deal," but then you falter on other half-rhymes or forced rhymes. This poem reads beautifully rhyming, but I'd just like to remind that one can always have non-rhyming poems. The meaning is more important than forced rhyming! But, anyway, personally I found the lines "Sang of fallen, brave and bold, / My ears rang , she called" and "I drank my tears, and bit my tongue. / All was silent, it was my heart that rang." kind of grating, partly because the last words don't rhyme to my ears, and because your syllable count is off enough between the lines that it sounds awkward. I would reword that last line if you can, to cut down the words. "All was silent - my heart had rung" for example (although you could probably do much better than that).

Your grammar is mostly good with some nitpicks but I think those have been spotted already. Stomack should be stomach, I believe.

I particularly enjoyed this poem, and I hope when I reread it and am more awake that I understand it better. It's not alike to many other poems which you might find around, and I can definitely appreciate that of it.

Well done!




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Wed Jul 02, 2014 11:52 pm
Markontheworld wrote a review...



I read the summary and was like challenge accepted! So here I go! First of all very good poem, the last line is what makes it make sense. It means one of two things. It either means that all your life you were lonely, but you managed to distract yourself until you couldn't anymore then you fell a little deeper, and found something new to distract yourself with until you couldn't and you had face that loneliness. Or it could mean that every time you got yourself in trouble someone was there to pick you up until one they weren't. Of course there is also the third possibility of running away from your problems in your dreams. Anyways keep cal and right on! =^_^=




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Wed Jul 02, 2014 8:45 pm
Sampson wrote a review...



Jus a few things I'd like to nitpic about this poem. Your grammar was acceptable but there are somethings that need to be changed. This isn't really in poem form, almost but it is just one big chunk rather than any stanzas. I liked your ideas and the poem had a lot a creativity tied into it.




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Wed Jul 02, 2014 7:36 pm
tgirly wrote a review...



Hello!
Did you mean for this to be all one stanza like this, or was it formatting issues? I think it'd be good either way, I'm just wondering.

I interpret this poem two ways: the first, the narrator is a pretty industrious person, maybe a bit mad at the world. He's trying to hard to fight everything, trying to do too much, trying to be a hero for everyone and sometimes he gets too caught up in the doing that he does the wrong thing, but he always stops and steps away when she calls for him, because he loves her more than he loves action. Only she can calm him down and pull him away, and it's very romantic. But then it changes at the end, maybe she dies or leaves him. And suddenly, he doesn't care about his work anymore (bit my tongue) and all he can do is mourn her loss (drank my tears) and his heart rings with the pain of losing her because he realizes that for all his trying and all his accomplishments, she was all he had and now that she's gone, he has nothing (all was silent).

Another interpretation I'm getting, especially from 'the image dispersed' and 'my vision blurred' when she called, is that the narrator's going crazy. He's hallucinating and seeing things, or maybe he's just mistaken and thinks he can do more than he actually can, and at first, she can call him back to reality, but it becomes harder and harder for her to as the craziness and allusions come thicker and thicker until finally he can't hear her calling anymore, he's so caught up in fantasies.

I like how the way you wrote it, the reader needs to sort of take a pause after each 'she called', as if the reader's relaxing a bit as the narrator does. I love the 'she called' lines quite a lot, they're very beautifully written.

I don't completely understand why you put that the joy is 'intact'. How can the sorrow not tear away even a bit of the joy? It also throws off the rhyming a bit I think and feels a bit out of place.

Is there a reason why you have a period after the first two she called but not after the last two?

I thought Achilies was spelled Achilles. And there should be an apostrophe there too.
"Just as I was to end a troublesome foe" I think this line might have a few too many syllables; it doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem.

I like the dual nature of the narrator; how he heals and fights in the same stanza, how he deals with the devil and God. There's conflicting morals within him, but no matter what, he always comes when she calls.

I hope this review helped.
-tgirly

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ObserverxD says...


This was meant to be a story/poem of a dreamer that was in love and to show how reality effects one such person. It was meant to have a stanza after every "she called" but the damn program wouldn't listen to me. As for the grammatical error as in the name "achillies" do pardon me for those as english is not my first language and I'm often drunk:) Anyways thanks for the review I really like the way you understood it, I kinda love you.:P



tgirly says...


Glad to help! The YWS program is weird; a tip for future poems: if you hit shift while hitting enter, it will only single space the enter, then when you want to create a stanza break, you can just hit enter without holding down the shift button and it will be double-spaced.
This is a lovely piece and I'm glad to have read it. :)
-tgirly



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Wed Jul 02, 2014 6:20 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello!

So first of all I'd like to say that I think you did a good job including a lot of allusions in this piece with how you talk about the greek gods such as Chronus, Achilies, and the more christian gods like Lucifer and the devil. I think mixing them up is kind of odd, considering they were from so many different places. You seem to have more with the greek gods because of mentioning the manticore though.

I think to improve this poem you could work more with some of the individual nitpicky lines, for instance, it really breaks up the rhythm when you tag "she called" onto the end of any of these sentences. It's sort of stopping the flow and moving it back to a question of where did this sentence start, and why is "she called" actually a part of it. Honestly, "she called" can be it's own sentence because it has a subject and a predicate. The thing is, you never really tell us who she is, or why she called. The only thing we really get is this vague sense that she is the heart of this individual. I'm not exactly sure why her calling changes what's going on either. It seems each time she calls, there is a dramatic shift in what's going on in the work. This is alright, and it would be more pronounced like a text break in a story if you used stanzas.

If you wanted to, you could make the poem better in my opinion by working with more determiners. If you take the line "Sang of fallen, brave and bold" and put in "sang of The fallen, brave and bold" then you have a completely new sentence because now we're not just talking about anything that's fallen, like the fall of Greece to Rome, but THE fallen which holds implications in the new church and develops the idea that we've moved on through the ages of religion.

Overall I'd say this poem is probably about half way there. With some work on the flow and getting things to fall better, maybe accepting slant rhymes, I think you'll have a much better piece.

Aley

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If I find myself afraid or scared, that means I'm doing the wrong thing.
— Jack Hanna