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Rifted - Chapter VII - Fallings Apart

If my name had been Aster, I may have heard a silent plea drift up into the clouds of my domain. Upon the wind his wings beat sorrow into the stars. Perhaps, if I were Lyloria, I would have answered. But I am neither of the two, and I doubt that any of the Five were listening that night. It is not like them to do so.

They are far to busy with themselves.

I surely was not, though, and the things which I heard spill from this man’s lips were a bit touching, that is, if I cared for mortality the least bit.

Petty.

That is the only word which you have to describe him. His very actions contradicted his desires, his wants laughed in the face of his needs. And as for those of his son, he was entirely oblivious to the truth. A common theme, it seemed.

Two men had been severely injured, requiring medical attention as soon as possible, but they would live. Several others limped with minor wounds, but beyond this there were few casualties. Argaes doubted that these barbaric nomads would dare venture beyond the borders of the Empire for sometime. And the men, though tired, were excited and prepared to celebrate their small victory. There would be singing and dancing.

But for the General, there was only the pain.

Mordan had and would continue to be a stain to his name, but such was the way of a military life, and he was just another casualty of war. Kora, on the other hand….

Him, he could not lose.

Brower returned then. ‘You were the last one to see him, it seems.’ He informed his commander, after having searched the camp. ‘A few of the men say they may have glimpsed him walking into the desert, but they could not be sure, as it was night.’

General Argaes swore, cursing the gods for their lack of kindness towards him. Brower stood silently for a moment longer, reflecting on the troubles which beset them all. He respected his commander, as did the other men, but they were not blind and all had seen the rift continually growing between this father and son, man and child.

Perhaps, it had simply been too much.

-  -

There was a moment where he could not believe that events were transpiring as they were. It baffled him that someone in a position such as this could act in such a way. With such hostility. But then he recognized that fear drove men, and women, to do the unthinkable.

He sensed no fear in her voice, though.

‘If you move I will slit your throat and feed you to the hounds.’ The girl spat in his ear. ‘Now explain to me what it is you are doing here, and why.’

‘Loosen your grip a bit…’ Kora choked, gasping in pain. ‘And I might be able to te-’

‘Speak! Or you never will again.’

For some reason, he did not distrust her, and he did not doubt that she would do everything she said.

‘I am a soldier in the ninth division, stationed at Gayne’s Outpost to the north.’

‘Go on.’ She said, urging him with a prick of the dagger.

‘Our company received orders to…demonstrate on these barbarians, who attacked several provinces on the edge of the desert. Including Darjon. Of which you are a part?’

The girl spat a laugh, then pulled her face into a scowl and gripped his arm tighter. ‘You are a soldier? Then what were you doing snooping around? Not fighting.’

‘And what were you doing tied up?’ He countered, not wishing to answer that question. His own angered her greatly and she forced his arm as high as it would go, threatening to tear it from the socket, and she forced him to kneel on the ground.

‘Answer the question! Why were you not with the other men? If you hurry, you might escape before the barbarians return.’

Kora was shocked that he had not thought of that, but then, it was not as if there had been the time. And suddenly, he did not care. His silence caused the girl to growl and she forced him to the ground, mashing his face into the dirt, her knee pressed hard against his head, crushing the air from his lungs.

‘Are you deaf?’ She cried. ‘Tell me! Why are you here?’ Her voice had become frantic as sounds drew ever closer. Kora was confused, though. Why did she not run? What need was there to know?

Something did not fit.

‘To die.’ He said, finally, coughing through the sand. ‘That is why I have come.’ And it was not a lie.

Not anymore.

‘Perhaps.’ She said, letting up a bit and allowing the air to flood into his lungs. She leaned closer to him, her breath tickling his ears. ‘Tell me the truth, and I will give it to you.’

What truth was there to tell? He had explained his entire existence in a few, short words. Beyond his service, there had been nothing. Except…just that once….

There was the crunch of a boot behind them, and the ring of a sword being unsheathed. The girl’s body tensed as the edge of the blade came to rest along her own neck.

‘Release him.’ A familiar voice commanded. Kora was unable to see who it was. The girl’s weight prevented him turning his head. But he did not have to look. He knew, and though he truly wished to be rescued from the situation, he was unsure which would be worse. But there was no preventing it.

Slowly the girl let loose of him, the blade urging her to continue until she had risen to her feet. Two other men rushed at her, ripping the dagger from her fingers and forcing her to the ground, wrenching on her thick locks of hair. Kora stood, with a bit of help, wiping the trickle of blood from his neck and spitting the sand out.

His father’s gaze was waiting for him.

‘Would you like to explain yourself?’ Argaes asked sternly, pointing to the girl who’s snarling eyes growled like an animal.

‘What is there to explain?’ Kora answered indignantly, patting the sand and dust from his clothes, though it helped little.

‘Do not play games with me boy!’

Those who were present fell quiet, even the girl. The men were shocked. It was rare that their commander became enraged, and few had witnessed him act upon such emotions. His outburst stunned them.

For Kora, though, nothing changed.

‘What was I supposed to do?’ He asked. ‘She was tied up, a captive, unarmed!’

General Argaes gritted his teeth, hissing through them with violent quietness.

‘That changes nothing. You are a soldier, and should always be on guard.’

‘Against what?’ Kora countered logically. ‘There was nothing of concern here. All the pieces fit. She was one of those taken from Darjon, she was tied up. She is a woman, for Aster’s sake!’

‘So was your mother.’ Argaes muttered quietly, shaking his head, uttering the unspeakable.

It struck Kora’s burning heart like an icy gale, freezing him to the core.

Comments & reviews · 3
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MaryEvans
Review

I think you should revise the opening paragraphs,they are a bit of a jumble. (Also a typo “far to busy.”) I feel like I am missing something in between the paragraphs too. Maybe read it out loud and see whether everything is clear. I know you know your story by heart, you created it, but some things are not quite as clear to the reader.

The second part, where the point of view switches flows better. Though I would reintroduce the settings better. I know I haven’t read many of the other chapters and thus I am probably missing something, but still this is a new chapter so you might want to reset the scene, even with just a word or two. Like show where the characters are and what they are doing before or as soon as they speak.

“His own angered her greatly and she forced his arm as high as it would go, threatening to tear it from the socket, and she forced him to kneel on the ground.” Something funky is happening in this sentence. Look it over.

“‘Answer the question! Why were you not with the other men? If you hurry, you might escape before the barbarians return.’” Wordy. I would cut the second part. Read through your dialogue and see where it drags on for too long.

“who’s snarling eyes” Whose. Who’s is short for who is. And I am having difficulties imagining eyes making a sound. Reconsider your emotes.

Why is everybody always shocked or confused? Next time you revise, very, see if it can be said or shown better.

“Kora countered logically.” Kill the adverb here.

Again nicely developed, the story moves along well. I find the voice is better here, maybe because of the third person narration. I would look over the word choice and the flow though, remove what’s unnecessary.

So again, keep up the good work.

I agree completely that this chapter's paragraphs and dialogue are a bit of a jumble. This was one that I re-wrote several times, and still don't like that much. Sometimes there is just that one scene you can't quite get right. This is that one. I will definitely take all of your advice into consideration when I do a final rewrite.

Thanks for the review :D

I know how annoying those scenes are. You rewrite and rewrite and it just wont come out right... In that case just let it rest, give it time, come back later when the mind is clear.

Knight Dragon, here to review!

You struggle with using contractions. That's a consistent pattern, so duly noted and moving on. :)

Your sentences can tend to run a bit long. For example:

I surely was not, though, and the things which I heard spill from this man’s lips were a bit touching, that is, if I cared for mortality the least bit.

You could break at the "that is" and be fine. As is, it sprawls just a little bit.

‘You were the last one to see him, it seems.’ He informed his commander, after having searched the camp. ‘A few of the men say they may have glimpsed him walking into the desert, but they could not be sure, as it was night.’

That first dialogue segment was good, but the second one was so formal. "As it was night," as if it wasn't obvious, and said with such formality that the character isn't even that real. How would a 'normal' human say that?
And your "said" substitute. Just go with "said" or "told," because you're leaving said out so much I'm starting to watch for it. That distracts from the reading and can annoy readers.

His own angered her greatly and she forced his arm as high as it would go, threatening to tear it from the socket, and she forced him to kneel on the ground.

Long sentence, and that first part needs a little work. What's it trying to say? It took me a few rereads to figure it out.

The PoV shifts you have in this are a little confusing (maybe because I'm coming into this from chapter VI). But there's no warning why there's a shift. Maybe I'm just missing something, but it feels a little choppy. Even internally, the shift doesn't seem to fit. There's no connection.

That felt extremely unhelpful.

Hope some of this helps!

This review courtesy of
Image

My lack of contractions was and is deliberate. I decided to write this book that way because I wanted it to feel a little more formal, which is to say, a little more "old english" style.

As for the PoV shifts, I agree that it's very confusing. It really only makes sense if you've read the chapters before, and even then, it won't truly make sense until you get well into the book. I want the reader to be confused at first, so that the "big reveal" will actually hold some sway.

Thanks for the review!

Vocabulary and word choices are what will give you that feel, not lack of contractions. Tolkien is my prime example there. At the very least, please let your characters have them in dialogue. Otherwise they're unrelatable and give the reader no reason to go on.

That could go many ways, so we'll leave it at that for now.

No problem, glad to help. :)

Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!

Upon the wind his wings beat sorrow into the stars.
This is a great line for a poem. In a novel, though, it's grammatically incorrect.
His wings upon the wind beat sorrow into the stars.
Even my rephrasing isn't that great. I'd consider just taking the sentence out of the chapter :).

‘If you move I will slit your throat and feed you to the hounds.’
Comma after move.

End of my nitpicks.

This chapter lack description. sure, you express the thoughts of the character, but the reader needs to see Kora's fear. For some reason, this felt dreadfully anti-climactic, even with all the action you have written in here. Your pacing may have been slow.

Keep writing, love.
Aurora

What you mentioned first, I sort of agree with. I threw that in there because I heard a similar line in a song, and thought it was interesting.

As for the lack of description, I agree with that as well. This chapter wasn't supposed to have much of it. Events are supposed to just happen. And Kora is not afraid, just, worried that things might turn out bad.

Thanks for the review :D



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