Young Writers Society

Hey! Sweet here! I don't think I have ever read one of your works but, with just reading this one I can tell you are a really good writer!

When I first started reading it, honestly, I was kind of confused, but once I got into it it was really good.

I love the last stanza, it was a really good ending to the whole poem. It wrapped everything up perfectly.

Really good job! I can't wait to read more of your work!

Hey indieeloise! It's been months and months (maybe even a year...) since I've been on YWS, but I'm back and ready to review! First of all, I really enjoyed this poem. As SubtleSanity said, your imagery used here is absolutely fantastic. I especially loved the last stanza where you said "this is what your fingers and palms and knuckles are for." One thing that I'm an absolute sucker for is lots of description, but not too much. I think you hit the mark just right with that line! As far as grammar goes, I didn't catch anything, so props to you for that! The only thing that caught my eye as far as corrections go would be the structure of the poem. For me, poetry is best when it flows well and breaks in stanzas should aid in that process. There were a few points where my reading was cut off because of the way you had separated sentences. Here is one example:

"from where my grandmother lives

and breathes, the city is building a library."


In my opinion, I think the break would have worked better where you put the comma (and that's also a helpful thing to use in the future — if there's a comma, the break would work best there in most cases).

I also feel that there could have been a better break in this line:

"and think to myself, This is what your fingers"


to where it would end up looking something like:

"and think to myself,
This is what your fingers..."


Honestly, those were the only two parts that stopped me. Everything else seemed to flow just fine Just remember that placement of stanzas is key to creating a great poem. Read it out loud to yourself, and if you find yourself pausing or feeling like the lines aren't being spoken naturally, take another look at where you have separated sentences and created new stanzas. Once again, loved the poem and fantastic imagery. Happy writing!
xx michaeld

Heyo indie! Knight Subtle here for a brief review. It has been a while since I've reviewed poetry and I'm on my tablet, so I'm terribly sorry for any mistakes I make. Like sis said, this is a really lovely poem. Especially with your use of imagery throughout the poem, the poem itself flows very smoothly.

The title itself is an attention grabber already, so well done with that choice even though I have no idea what it means. While reading this poem, I realized that there is probably a deeper layer of meaning beneath this. A lot of these lines seem to be metaphors for something else.

I don't have much criticism for this poem except I really love the language style that you've chosen to write the poem in. Is soothing p, a bit literal but it also creates so very vivid imagery. The only nitpicks I have is to expand your second and third stanza a bit more. They both felt very short to me, the same with the first, they all seem like an insight into an idea like a fragment. But you could expand it so much more, right now. We get a touch of what is coming, but is too vague and far-sketched to be joined up together. Like for the second stanza, they're building a library down the road, and it needs a little more carpentry skills than what's already been done, I'm curious. Why is that so?

I likes the way you ended the poem, is a very soothing way to end a poem like this. Great work, keep writing.

-S.s

I'm here to review your lovely poem!

Grammar/Wording:
I love the opening stanza! It just all ties together in such a perfect way. The speaker's eyes are itchy because they're tired and then so that means they're honest like the first line says. Then you mention being "scratchy" again tying the 2nd part to the first. I also love the oxymoron of "familiar wonder".

Unfortunately I am having a very difficult time figuring out how in the world the first stanza ties to the second two. They seem to have nothing to do with taking the same path home or being tired. Somehow I think you should try to tie these in better or make some reference to driving or sleepiness or honesty in the 2nd two stanzas.

I really didn't see any spelling mistakes, so good job there. I have to say there were definitely some weird line breaks; but I think they kept it interesting so I enjoyed that part of your style.

Other Suggestions:

My least favorite line is the very last one. "meantime" just has a bad connotation such as the word "mean" being in it and also it seems like a reference to wasting time rather than "building an oasis" or "something spiritual". The last little part just didn't have a lot of "punch value" for me, even though as a whole I enjoyed the poem. Maybe you could delete the very last line or change it up a little.

Content/Message:
The meaning of this poem gets a little bit muddled to me. I like the tone of sentimentality with the references to a grandmother and a familiar route home, and then also the tones of spirituality and an oasis, I'm just not really seeing the connection between them all and a bigger meaning.

I guess if I had to say what this poem meant I'd say it means we should cherish the old (like the familiar path, the grandma, spirituality, books, and the line "what might have been lost") but we should find a way to cherish it not by looking to outside sources but looking inside ourselves and our identity (like the reference to an oasis within, and the ornate building that housed the important books). This could be a beautiful meaning if that's what you're going for, but my problem is that I do not understand how that relates to the title, to itchiness, or to avoiding "aching & sweating".

There are some beautiful lines in this poem and maybe other people will be able to understand it better. I just feel like I only get a vague understanding of what you're trying to say throughout the poem and then the ending just leaves me confused.

If you have any questions or would like to tell me what your poem really means feel free to PM me, I'd love to here your responses! Good job and good luck! Thanks for posting!

Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

I love this poem.
It's interesting and it gives out symbolization throughout the whole piece.
I believe this is something new and creative - so great job on that.

Nitpicks:
- Okay, right here, you can make a new line. It's only a suggestion though, so you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

for a good long while.

Lately it seems

like the ground has been covered...-

Hello!! I'm here with a review, just for you!!

First of all, this might be more of a pet peeve, but I noticed how you capitalized the beginning of the lines with new sentences. That makes sense, but to me it looks....I'm not sure. This is probably just a pet peeve...I don't even know.

Now, on to the actual content. Hmmm, so I gather they are building a library. But what confuses me is the first stanza doesn't seem to be about that. So that makes me assume (as most poems do) this has a deeper meaning. So, what is that meaning?

This really is a beautiful poem. But I can't find the deeper meaning. Does that have something to do with the fact that it's 1 in the morning? Probably. I'll wake up tomorrow and be like, "ohhhhh.."

But, my favorite part of the poem is

not for aching, sweating or the constant feeling

of what might have been lost

but for building an oasis within

for the meantime.

This review courtesy of