z

Young Writers Society


12+

When You Hear The Howl: War of the Worlds

by Unique


When I woke up, light was spilling through an open window and a slight breeze was ruffling the curtains. The hotel room was packed so full of discarded clothing and bags that it was hard to walk in a straight line to the bathroom. My pajama pants were twisted around my legs, a sign that I had flipped over a lot during the night. Adding to that, My blankets and covers were anywhere, but on me. I quickly observed the room, and found, to my surprise, that I was alone. No siblings, parents or annoying sounds. It was just me.

Then I gasped. I quickly looked back at the window, and stifled a scream. The window wasn’t just open, it was gone. Completely shattered. From where I was lying, all I could see was the sky through the window. I wanted to look out and see the busy streets and the other skyscrapers, but then again, I was scared that I wouldn’t see them at all.

At first I resorted to pinching myself awake, this had to be a dream! It just had to be! Then I slapped myself hard across the face. I shut my eyes and cupped my stinging cheek. My eyes slowly opened up, and when my gaze focused, I saw the same disturbing image.

I got up, and without a peek at the wall that the window inhabited, I ran over to my suitcase. I quickly rid myself of my pajamas, and pulled on some comfortable jeans, a green shirt and a gray sweatshirt over the top. I shoved on some socks and sneakers, and then strolled over to the window.

A large intake of breath was directed from me at the sight, and I was so scared that I just stood there and looked.

Where there had once been tons upon tons of buildings, there were little to none. What was left of them was reduced to rubble. The clouds were grey and birds were everywhere, and out of fright I didn’t look at what they were pecking at.

I heard a huge crash, and a metallic swishing sound. Then an odd howl, somewhat robotic. The sound lasted for about ten seconds, but it left a bitter ringing in my ear, and with every beat of my heart the sound repeated.

I was starting to wonder what the sound was and where it came from when it stepped into view. A large metal creature with three long menacing legs. A small top which I think counts as a head, was turning around scrutinizing everything. An eye which looked a bit like a headlight, was placed in the middle of it’s head like a cyclops. This thing had to be about as big as the Empire State Building.

Then it stepped forward. Straight toward me. 

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:36 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Ooooh, a nice spooky introduction to a scary new world. Lemme see if any of my thoughts will be helpful to you when you work to edit this to perfection!

First of all, the moment I had the most trouble believing (believe it or not), was that the character would go and get dressed before looking out the window. Like, generally humans want to protect their own lives, right? They want to make sure they're safe and not going to get killed in the middle of changing their clothes. So I feel like the first instinct would definitely not be to get dressed. It might be to press themselves against the wall and creep to the window. I mean, if that character hadn't heard the scary sounds BEFORE they looked out the window, there would be really no reason to be super scared and try to hide, but I feel like curiosity would definitely make them take a quick darn look out that window! hahaha.

Next, this:

A large intake of breath was directed from me at the sight, and I was so scared that I just stood there and looked.


Be careful, very careful, to avoid awkward phrasing like this in your writing. I know you were probably trying to avoid the simple and often-used "I gasped" or "I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me", but this comes off as too contrived. Passive voice makes it even more confusing. What or who directed the breath from the character? Make it natural. Don't wake us up out of the dream we're sharing with you!

Lastly, I'd really like to hear what the character is thinking when they see the alien thing! There's a lot of description of it, which would be normal in a third person narrative, but here it sounds like that character is taking the time to think about every piece of the robot before even registering fear. Haha. Be sure to remember what viewpoint you're in and always be thinking about what the character would be thinking, not you as the author.

I hope these thoughts are helpful~

PM me or reply to the review if you have any questions or comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

This review courtesy of
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Unique says...


Thanks for the help!



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:25 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Unique, Wolf here for a review.

Now, I found this quite interesting. You called this 'War of the Worlds', but yet you don't really give much details about this 'World War'. Usually World Wars don't necessiarily happen over night, and even though battles and surprise attacks can, the news would be bustling with threats from other countries and preparations for war that it would hardly be that much of a surprise of an attack.

With that being said, how in the world would another country transport this probably giant robot over seas (or across lands) without someone noticing them and shooting them down. They'd probably have to resemble that behemoth too. Even if it were an alien attack, there would still be notice of a UFO flying over this city and some kind of warning of attack, whether it be on the news or over cell phones (I know the iPhone does those warnings), etc. My point is, I don't find this entirely realistic.

Oooh, the suspense at the end. I do like that you have some kind of build up of suspense, and (excluding my first spiel) you do a nice job of introducing the attack without actually telling us about the attack (show not tell yay!) However, again, realism comes into play. How in the least bit is she not worried about her family? Where did they go? I seriously doubt they would flee without her, and how she wouldn't notice dead bodies. Maybe build more on that concept.

Finally, I'm a bit iffy about the length. Alight, so this is a huuuuge topic. I mean it's a giant robot battle! There can be so much more you can build off of this. Have this person run out of the room, trying to save their life. Find other survivors, and well, survive! With such a large topic as this, there are no limits to the different ways you can take it, and I know you can do it!

One little nitpick:

Adding to that, My blankets and covers were anywhere, but on me.

Really small I know, but 'My' shouldn't be capitalized and also the second comma isn't needed. Oh, and I think everywhere would fit there better than anywhere, just a suggestion.

Overall, I did like this, and you conveyed the narrator's emotions well. Hope to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




Unique says...


Thanks for the review! By the way, this is a fanfiction for the movie War of the Worlds, and everything dort of happens quite quick. you should watch the movie, it is very interesting. It has Tom Cruise in it too... :D



Wolfare1 says...


Ohhhh, so it's based off of a movie. No wonder it's unrealistic xD Great job anyways.



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:11 am
Unique says...



By the way, if you want to hear the noise they make, go here, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzY099ihULs





Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud