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Young Writers Society


12+

Trembling Power: Chapter Three

by Cithara, Evander


Lalia found herself back in her room as the sounds of crying continued. Her mother had sent her there, trying to explain to her what had happened.

"Lalia, honey, listen to me. You see Mace over there?" Mrs. Bandie had extended a nervous hand in the dead boy's direction. Lalia selected innocent eyes and nodded slightly.

"Yes, Momma."

"Mace, honey...he's not asleep. I'm... afraid your... brother has passed away. We called the police and they're on there way over. Your father inspected him, honey. It looks like he choked on a few crackers."

Her mother had put a hand on Lalia's shoulder, and brought the ten year old into an embrace. The mascara was smearing onto the girl's light brown hair. Lalia, being her mother's baby, she hugged her mother back. Burying her nose into the crook of Allisia's neck, she fake sniffled a bit.

I can't seem to feel sympathy, Lalia thought. As she thought this, another family member entered the house.

It was then that the front door opened yet again. A teenager waddled in, car keys in hand. He was unaware of the situation so he meandered over to the kitchen in need of a snack. Nathan Bandie meant well--truly, he did. Unfortuantley the young man could never get his act together and actually get a job. His minor accomplishments were shadowed by young Mace's proud doings. Nathan thought nothing of this. Little did he know this took up a lot of Lalia's thinking.

"Hey, Momma," Lalia said, pulling back, wiping fake tears from her eyes. "Who's going to tell Nathan? I-I-I mean Mace was his brother." Lalia cringed a bit when she used the past tense. It made her look like the bad guy. I need to fix that...

Her mom gave her a look, one perfectly, plucked eyebrow raised. Her green eyes looked into Lalia's soul with so much saddeness. "Fine, you tell... Nathan..."

Lalia got up from her bed and raced to the kitchen, again, zipping past every family photo on the hallway's walls. She just wanted to see Nathan.

She could see the pudgy, blotchy face of Nathan so vividly in her mind. He would be crying and vulnerable. A giant, teary-eyed teddy bear that was lazy but strong. Lalia loved him more than anyone and she wanted to see his reaction. As she neared the kitchen she heard a long moan erupt from the teddy bear. Another stab of guilt shot through the troubled girl. The guilt felt like a blunt knife was stabbed into her stomach. She had caused the reaction, she had made Nathan upset.

No, no, no, no Nathan should be happy, not sad, happy. The young girl walked into the kitchen. The gleaming plaster on the walls distracted her, it almost made a face. The light was playing tricks on Lalia's eyes, she knew it. The sunken eyed monster was not there, glaring back at her with bared teeth.

Nathan was leaning over Mace, his brown hair tucked behind his ears. A few strands falling onto his face. If she could see his brown eyes, they would be wet with sorrowful tears.

*****

The sky painted itself grey the next morning, using the wisps of mourning clouds to stroke the colors more deeply. Lalia was only looking at that sky, wondering why it existed. She wondered why she existed. Nathan had selected a black tux and sorrowful face frozen in time. The day was moving slowly along, melting from the tears that were being shed by hundreds of people . Lalia then stared at a black coffin that caught her reflection. It revealed a confused girl who felt nothing.

She wasn't sure why she was bewildered. She knew a lot, just not why she murdered him in cold blood. Her hands began to quiver, so she had them play with her teddy bear purse. The brown teddy bear purse Mace gave her. Immediately she felt sick. The barrette that was resting on her hair was something that Mace gave her, the chap stick that was in the purse, Mace gave her. Heck, even the black socks she was wearing were hand-me-downs from her deceased brother.

Lalia couldn't take it anymore. All of those reminders…Just then her vibrating hands shot thoughts into her mind. You had to do this, Lilia. There was no other way. Mace was rude to you. He only gave you those things because your parents made him be kind to you. Deep down he thought of you as an annoying little brat with no potential. Don’t feel remorse or pain.

Feel victory.

What scared Lilia even more was that the voice inside her head was not her own.


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Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:21 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi gurrrrlsssl!!! Cricket here for a review as PROMISED! I of course am doing against my will,but writer13 MADE me do it Erm, don't read that either of you. I'm going to try and behave in this review! :P

Oh, and if I get something wrong in this when it comes to plot and stuff, then just ignore it as I haven't read any of the other chapters. Hmm, I do recall thinking my brother reviewed one of them or something. Make sure you guys bug him with review requests! He hates loves them! And besides, I remember him saying he liked this...

Oh, my...I can definitely see your hand in this, Raven. MORBID MIND. TheWriter13? You sure you want to write with her? She has the oddest mind ya know...

Well, maybe I should shut up about that and just focus on the review, before I bore you guys to death!

NITPICKS!!!

there way over.


I think you used the wrong there. I'm fairly sure it should be their. :D

being her mother's baby, she hugged her mother back


*glares at Raven* Redundancy!! You say mother twice in the same sentence. :P You could just reword it like this instead...being her mother's baby, she hugged her back. Just something like that, so you don't stumble over the same word again in the same sentence.

He was unaware of the situation so he meandered over to the kitchen in need of a snack.


Now to be honest I'm not actually how legit this nitpick is. I was just a little confused is all. You mention how later on, she's zipping down the hallway...Well, if it's so far away that she has to zip down the hallway, then maybe it was too far away for her to see him going into the kitchen?
Like I said before, I'm not sure how legit this is, as I just might be acting stupid today! But I was confused as I read further on into it, so I'd just suggest running through that, and checking it over to make sure. :D

Unfortuantley


Just a typo Ladies...unless Raven, this is how those horrid Englishthe English spell it? Well, whatever the case this is how it's spelled! Unfortunately :D

Unfortuantley the young man could never get his act together and actually get a job. His minor accomplishments were shadowed by young Mace's proud doings. Nathan thought nothing of this. Little did he know this took up a lot of Lalia's thinking.


Hmmm, I read that she is ten? OK, now this looks like-to me at least- that it's written using third person narrative. Well, this for one doesn't seem like the narration of a ten year old. I mean what ten year old really, is going to be thinking about ambition and stuff? (I didn't!) Now maybe I'm just being dumb, and this girl is something special, but I'd seriously try and make sure that you keep her thoughts and actions specifically one of a ten year old. But by all means, this is your writing! so keep it this way if you want! :D

As she thought this, another family member entered the house.

It was then that the front door opened yet again


I'm just thinking that you could have something happen in-between these points. I mean, did the door open and two people walked in directly behind the other? Or, was there a pause where the mother was still holding her and then the door opened again? Just a thought..

hundreds of people .


Just like a totes dumb nitpick...like I can't believe I'm nitpicking something so dumb!... Put the period next to people- not a space after. (That is like the dumbest nitpick I've ever done!) :D I know it's just a typo, but I couldn't resist...

If she could see his brown eyes, they would be wet with sorrowful tears.


This sentence seems like a super powerful one,but I'd consider rephrasing it as I felt it was awkward. Just an example of mine...

If she could have seen his brown eyes, they would have been wet with sorrowful tears


Kinda like that...:D

She wondered why she existed


It would be more dramatic and would draw attention to it, if you put the second "she" into italics. :D

Oh, you guys do just totes do awesome at description...

What scared Lilia even more was that the voice inside her head was not her own.


This was an incredible closing line. Love it!

OK, and that's it from me! Hope this bit helps you guys out!

~Cricket




Thewriter13 says...


Your reviews are the best, Therese! *hugs*
Um that dumb nitpick was my fault *shamefully hides* XD
Thanks so much! And you'll see how special she is :D





OK, Sounds cool! *sticks nose in the air* Ohh, I know my reviews are the best....:P hee hee can I sound any more arrogant?



Thewriter13 says...


XD



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Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:15 pm
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Crunch says...



I can't help but think lostthought had some kind of influence on this story. The atmosphere is as rich as it is dark. Good job, you two!




Thewriter13 says...


XD you never know...



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:48 pm
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BellaRoma wrote a review...



Awesome. This story is really creepy, I love the idea of the child with the internal conflict. Lalia is such a pretty name, the sheer irony of it (being that her personality isn't so pretty) is brilliant.
I still can't get over the fact that she killed her own brother in cold blood and hasn't really felt any remorse.
Also I thought the voice in her head was a nice touch, as if she didn't seem crazy enough. I would be interested to see if this voice stays with her and develops (I think it will). Something tells me it will get louder and perhaps tell her to do worse things. One of my characters is sorta similar.
Like others have said, I would like to know more about why she hated the brother but I feel this is an excellent start.
The title is pretty interesting too. While I read I'll definitely be thinking about it.
Good luck.




Thewriter13 says...


Thanks for the review! Everything is going to be explained as we write the next few chapters :D



BellaRoma says...


I'm sure it will. Can't wait for the next part.
You have managed to update more regularly than I have anyway.



BellaRoma says...


Seriously! There are freaky similarities. Their names are barely different.
So going to follow this story.



Thewriter13 says...


Thank you XD



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Mon Jun 30, 2014 8:09 pm
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Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review.

Okay, I love this chapter so far.
I guess the main conflict is this story is inner conflict in herself.
That's what I like about this chapter.
She is feeling conflicted about what she has done, yet, at the same time, she feels good about it.

Nitpicks:
- I am a bit of a freak when it comes to commas. I believe there should be commas in these two sentences right here.

As she neared the kitchen, she heard a long moan erupt from the teddy bear.

What scared Lilia even more, was that the voice inside her head was not her own.


I guess from what I just read, she has another conscious inside her, an evil side to her that she has not yet to know.
I can't wait for the next chapter update.

Also, I think it some of the later chapters, you should do some flashbacks about Lalia and Mace...
- Their relationship
- The symbolization of the objects she was given from him
Y'know, stuff like that.

Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more.




Thewriter13 says...


I think you're psychic, as i was thinking of doing this with Raven :D the chapters are going to reveal everything, and thanks for the review!



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Mon Jun 30, 2014 8:02 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love.
Aurora here for a quick review!

Alright. I really like this. I haven't read the previous chapters, and I still want to read more :)

I can guess which part Raven had the most input on.

There's just one part that seems odd to me, and it's the part where they are explaining to Lilia that her brother is dead. She's ten. At 10, kids have a good grasp on what death is. The way Mrs. Bandie said it :"Mace, honey...he's not asleep. I'm... afraid your... brother has passed away. We called the police and they're on there way over. Your father inspected him, honey. It looks like he choked on a few crackers."

Well... it sounds like she's explaining it to a five year old. If he died of asphixation, his face would be a shade of blue or red. Dead bodies can't be mistaken for sleeping bodies that easily.

Also, her mother lets Lilia tell her brother? That's just cruel. Yes, leave the child to break it gently to someone that their brother is dead.

Plot holes :). Easy fixes.

I think that you over use the word teddy bear in the latter half of your chapter.

Awesome job, writer and rae.

Keep persisting, loves.
Aurora




Thewriter13 says...


Thanks :D




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