Hi gurrrrlsssl!!! Cricket here for a review as PROMISED! I of course am doing against my will,but writer13 MADE me do it Erm, don't read that either of you. I'm going to try and behave in this review!
Oh, and if I get something wrong in this when it comes to plot and stuff, then just ignore it as I haven't read any of the other chapters. Hmm, I do recall thinking my brother reviewed one of them or something. Make sure you guys bug him with review requests! He hates loves them! And besides, I remember him saying he liked this...
Oh, my...I can definitely see your hand in this, Raven. MORBID MIND. TheWriter13? You sure you want to write with her? She has the oddest mind ya know...
Well, maybe I should shut up about that and just focus on the review, before I bore you guys to death!
NITPICKS!!!
there way over.
I think you used the wrong there. I'm fairly sure it should be their.
being her mother's baby, she hugged her mother back
*glares at Raven* Redundancy!! You say mother twice in the same sentence. You could just reword it like this instead...being her mother's baby, she hugged her back. Just something like that, so you don't stumble over the same word again in the same sentence.
He was unaware of the situation so he meandered over to the kitchen in need of a snack.
Now to be honest I'm not actually how legit this nitpick is. I was just a little confused is all. You mention how later on, she's zipping down the hallway...Well, if it's so far away that she has to zip down the hallway, then maybe it was too far away for her to see him going into the kitchen?
Like I said before, I'm not sure how legit this is, as I just might be acting stupid today! But I was confused as I read further on into it, so I'd just suggest running through that, and checking it over to make sure.
Unfortuantley
Just a typo Ladies...unless Raven, this is how
Unfortuantley the young man could never get his act together and actually get a job. His minor accomplishments were shadowed by young Mace's proud doings. Nathan thought nothing of this. Little did he know this took up a lot of Lalia's thinking.
Hmmm, I read that she is ten? OK, now this looks like-to me at least- that it's written using third person narrative. Well, this for one doesn't seem like the narration of a ten year old. I mean what ten year old really, is going to be thinking about ambition and stuff? (I didn't!) Now maybe I'm just being dumb, and this girl is something special, but I'd seriously try and make sure that you keep her thoughts and actions specifically one of a ten year old. But by all means, this is your writing! so keep it this way if you want!
As she thought this, another family member entered the house.
It was then that the front door opened yet again
I'm just thinking that you could have something happen in-between these points. I mean, did the door open and two people walked in directly behind the other? Or, was there a pause where the mother was still holding her and then the door opened again? Just a thought..
hundreds of people .
Just like a totes dumb nitpick...like I can't believe I'm nitpicking something so dumb!... Put the period next to people- not a space after. (That is like the dumbest nitpick I've ever done!) I know it's just a typo, but I couldn't resist...
If she could see his brown eyes, they would be wet with sorrowful tears.
This sentence seems like a super powerful one,but I'd consider rephrasing it as I felt it was awkward. Just an example of mine...
If she could have seen his brown eyes, they would have been wet with sorrowful tears
Kinda like that...
She wondered why she existed
It would be more dramatic and would draw attention to it, if you put the second "she" into italics.
Oh, you guys do just totes do awesome at description...
What scared Lilia even more was that the voice inside her head was not her own.
This was an incredible closing line. Love it!
OK, and that's it from me! Hope this bit helps you guys out!
~Cricket
Points: 1658
Reviews: 401
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