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18+ Language

Remnants of You

by sophomoric


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

I’m not colorblind.

I swear.

But after you left, the world lost its colors.

Now, it’s just like you: obscure.

Maybe that’s why I prefer the universe after sunset nowadays, drained of its pigment. At least then it’s truly uncolored.

Strange, isn’t it? People are so intimidated by darkness. They’re frightened of the unknown, of oblivion, of monsters on the prowl.

After you left, that fear lost its grip on me. I realized the only monstrosity out to get me was you.

You still flicker around in the shadows.

I see your eyes.

Everywhere.

They bore into my skull from brick walls and shallow puddles.

On rainy nights I feel your breath, heavy on my collarbone.

Every godforsaken promise made and said, I still hear.

The intensity with which you kissed me with I can still feel. Dammit, you’ve left the stain of your lipstick on my heart.

Stop acting like you care. Stop calling me. Stop “checking up” on me. Stop asking how I’ve been.

Fuck you, you already know.

I’m sure you’ve heard from your “friends” of my condition. Those girls you’d stab to death for pieces of green paper.

What they don’t know is you haunt my dreams. Over and over again I see our ending.

You gave me hollow excuses. Lies. As if I wouldn’t know better.

Then you wished me health. Happiness.

You wished me well.

What a load of bullshit, I wish you hell. I wish you a slow, agonizing death, your body, torn to pieces.

I know you like to hover around so even after death you’d wander the world. Eyes here, lungs there, heart… not found.

You never had one to begin with.

Makes me wonder why I ever loved you.


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801 Reviews


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Mon Jun 30, 2014 7:25 pm
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Aley wrote a review...



Hello~

I'd like to say that you have a very poetic way of wording things. That made this a smooth quick read which I really liked. I'd have to say because of how poetic this was, you almost have a piece of prose-poetry here, where you've basically got prose, but it's mashed with poetry because of the imagery and stuff. I think you've got that in spades with the images like "lipstick on my heart" and those sorts of moments.

As a work, I'd say there are some things you can improve on.
First and probably most importantly as a poetic thing, you have some tongue twisters in here. Even as a short story, you want a smooth read all the way through, so I'll point them out.

The intensity with which you kissed me with I can still feel.

Because of the two "with"s in this line and ending with "feel" it is sort of a tongue twister. Honestly, I'd just reword it in general and make it something like "I can still feel the intensity with which you kissed me" because not only does it maintain the rhyme with intensity and me, but it ends on a good flow.

The next isn't really a tongue twister so much as you're telling us two things at once.
I see your eyes.

Everywhere.


The reason I put this here is because you're using the punctuation to indicate that "I see your eyes" is a complete stop. This is somewhere that you don't want us to continue with the same train of thought, yet "Everywhere" is a part of that thought. Everywhere is really hard to make a concise complete thought out of because it doesn't give us much to go on. What, is everywhere, who is looking at everywhere? These questions are making it more difficult to understand what you want if you leave Everywhere by itself. If you put it up with the line above it, maybe attach it with a hyphen, a semi-colon, or a comma, then you'd have a better sentence.

This is probably around the part where the poetic devices come out the most, using the lines to segment your ideas and your message really does make this more of a poem.

As a short story, this needs more concrete details, less telling, more showing, and a lot more description. As a poem, this is pretty peachy.

Honestly it's up to you what you want to call it considering the field is open and rather foggy, but I'd call it poetry and be mostly done with it. Read it out loud several times and see if you can find any other places where it is hard to read, or it sounds, off.

Good luck~

Aley




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 7:04 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey soph~
Welcome to YWS! I hope you're finding your way around easily enough, but if you have any questions about the site, feel free to ask me.

Just to let you know, fanfiction is fine on YWS. You could have kept the character names if you wished.

Another small by the way, I've changed your rating from 16+ to 18+. (I'm afraid I can't since you changed it to poetry XD) The use of an f bomb makes any work an immediate 18+. If you have any other questions about rating your work I would check this.

I don't know what published work you're drawing from to create this, but I think this could be a stand alone piece, to be honest. I was impressed with the emotion you've shown here.

I really want to know what these people look like though. Especially the girl. Is she innocent looking or does she look her part? How does she act in normal situations?

I think it's fine as a short story. Formatting it so it would be a poem would be... interesting. What I do suggest is maybe chunking up the paragraphs with a little more detail. Give us the good stuff. I want to know about events, reasons, settings, appearances. I want to know everything.

(XD You already changed it. Sorry)

I think we also need a little more context. Is this guy talking to this girl? Is he writing her a letter? Just thinking to himself? What's going on?

I love the imagery and the metaphors you've go going on here. It gives this piece an extra little sparkle I appreciate.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, hit up my wall, shoot me a PM, or catch me on chat.

I hope to see you around a lot,
Megs~

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Mon Jun 30, 2014 6:54 pm
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here for a quick review!

God, what a dark piece! I love it!

The one thing I'd consider is making this a poem, rather than a short story, because it feels and reads like one to me. Especially with the phrasing you have. If, however, you want to keep it a short story... some grammatical nitpicks.

I know you like to hover around so even after death you’d wander the world. Eyes here, lungs there, heart… not found.
I know you like to hover around, so even after death, you’d wander the world. Eyes here, lungs there, and your heart… not found.

I wish you a slow, agonizing death, your body, torn to pieces.
I wish you a slow, agonizing death- your body torn to pieces.

The intensity with which you kissed me with I can still feel.
I can still feel the intensity with which you kissed me with.

Everywhere.
Sentence fragment.

End of nitpicks.
If you turn this into a poem, you wouldn't have to worry about fixing the above nitpicks. They'd only make it better.

I really, really, really, love your descriptions.

Keep writing, love.
Aurora




sophomoric says...


Thank you! I really appreciate the advice and will consider turning this into a poem.




We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare