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Better Days Ch.1

by TestSubjectX


Better Days

1. Painful Beginnings

I woke in the dark. The dark was cold, but it was a comforting cold. The first thing I noticed was I was on the ground. The ground felt like some kind of smooth stone, and it was cold too, but a kind of cold that was merciless and could kill if it had the chance, and I could feel that cold all over my body, but I strangely still felt warm as if heated by the darkness itself. I was very disoriented, so I focused on the ground that I could feel. once I felt a little better I took a knee and tried to stand up. then I began to feel again. I immediately fell back on butt, and the back of my leg was wet, wet and warm. When I suddenly felt this warmth the rest of my body felt alien.

I decided to wait some time before trying to stand again. My back ached as I slowly reached forward, finding where the liquid came from. I found the liquid coming from a long and thin cut, realizing the liquid was blood, I quickly started to treat the wound, though I could only apply pressure. I focused on my body, feeling some liquid on my head, but it didn't feel like normal blood, I felt more blood on my left arm. My priorities changed swiftly, asses my injuries, find medical supplies. My thoughts stopped being random and organized themselves, I thought faster and only focused on surviving. I aligned my head to look past my legs and clicked my tongue. I listened for echos to know where I was in this room. I did this in each general direction, and slowly crawled toward the closest wall. It felt like some kind of metal, I knocked on it quietly. The wall sounded hollow. I first felt along the bottom of the wall, where it connected with the floor, the metal wall went into the cold stone floor, like some kind of store room. I continued to feel the wall until about a foot above my head I felt a switch. I flipped it on.

I covered my eyes as they hurt from the sudden bright light emanating off the glass on the ceiling. I slowly lowered my arms as my eyes adjusted even slower. I had a feeling the light wouldn't hold out long, so I quickly took in my surroundings. Along the other walls were tools that all of which could easily kill a man, and worse yet was that there was dried blood on most of them. I saw a counter on the wall to my left, on the counter there were two bottles, one almost full and the other 3/4 full, but both clear liquids, and a few towels. There was also a first aid kit on the wall opposite to the door and switch. I used the wall at my back to support me while I stood up. I hobbled along the wall towards to left, to investigate the bottles on the counter. as I got closer to the counter I found more blood on the top of it, sending chills down my back. Turning my attention from the blood to the bottles, I notice that they were glass containers with labels on them with letters so small I could barely read them. The bigger container contained bleach, I can clean some things later if I need to, "I should see if there's some drainage cleaner or acetone in a janitors closet when i get out of this room, i could make an explosive with this". The other glass container was filled with alcohol, "If I cant find anything else ill use this to clean my wounds". I continued to hobble along the wall until I reached the first aid kit. I took the box off the wall, I used my hand to support myself against the wall as I made my way to the ground. When I opened the box I was greeted with a full medical kit, I emptied the box, obtaining a roll or gauze, scissors, a few bandages, tape, triple anti-biotics, and some alcohol wipes.

After about 10 minutes, not sure about time I dont have any way of telling, I felt satisfied with the bandages I skillfully applied. I tried to stand again feeling the need to leave the room and find food and water. This time my legs dont collapse from under me, although they felt like they were moving on desperation alone. I looked at the tools and decided I was in some kind of butcher room. I found a meat clever among the tools and weapons, it was a big and clumsy weapon but heads would roll before I die. I started towards the door, but just as I started moving the light finally gave out and burned out. I muttered a curse or two under my breath, but fell quiet as I saw a white light come from under the door.

The light stayed on the door for a few moments before I heard someone quietly call out, "Clear Right!". I thought this comment over for a moment and realized that I heard a symphony of boots moving, "what's the military doing here?" I said to myself, "could it have anything to do with that news report?". the last thing I remembered was I was watching the news on the couch, and they were talking about a crazed cannibalism group. At the thought of this I didn't know if it even was the military and decided that I would sneak out and avoid the people, whoever they are.


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Mon Jun 30, 2014 7:21 pm
Sassafras wrote a review...



Hi, TestSubjectX! I feel like some weird evil scientist calling you that.

I see you've already received some grammar correction from Horrendous so I won't bother. But, still, nitpicks.

The dark was cold, but it was a comforting cold.


There are a few too many words here. You can make that same point with fewer characters and in the end it sounds less long-winded.

The ground felt like some kind of smooth stone, and it was cold too, but a kind of cold that was merciless and could kill if it had the chance, and I could feel that cold all over my body, but I strangely still felt warm as if heated by the darkness itself.


This is a long sentence, X, and it covers a few topics. It's not grammatically incorrect - all of your commas are in the right place - but, for reading, it's a bit much. I'd suggest that you break it at "and I could feel that cold", but that's just my opinion. I'm just pointing it out for you.

Also, the point where your main character starts talking is a little strange. Usually when I'm alone I don't narrate my actions out loud to myself, but maybe that's just me. He could be one of those people. Well obviously he is one of those people. It's just weird.

I saw a white light come from under the door.


I thought you said earlier that the door went all the way down to the floor? How can light come from under a door that meets the ground? There might be some continuity errors in your piece.

--

Basically this whole chapter was an info dump. You give a lot of description and it gets to be redundant and taxing to read. However, I'm going to attribute that to the fact that he's been stuck in a room for the entirety of this chapter. Hopefully, when he gets out and actually starts doing things, that will happen less.

Your main character seems like someone who can really kick butt, which I am so excited for. He wakes up in a room, bleeding, and doesn't lose his mind. Plus, he knows exactly what to do to preserve his life! How amazing is that? So I'd have to say you're doing a pretty good job with your character here. He's already interesting to read and I'm excited to learn more about his personality.

I am the most excited about your plot. Cannibals?! I don't know if I've ever read a book about cannibals before. I'm wondering how you're going to play this out. So, that is to say, you can expect me back for future chapters.

-RP




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 8:32 am
horrendous wrote a review...



hey. horrendous here with a review.

i'll get the nitpicks out of the way first: (words in asterisks are the ones you're missing)

[quoteThe first thing I noticed was *that* I was on the ground[/quote]

how does the protagonist feel cold all over his body, but also feel warm? was his skin cold but his insides warm? orher way around?

I immediately fell back on *my* butt


and the back of my leg was wet, wet and warm.


*were* wet, and you wrote wet twice.

I found the liquid coming from a long and thin cut,


you need a period, not a comma.

but it didn't feel like normal blood, *and* I felt more blood on my left arm.


asses


assess, and i'd put a hyphen before it rather than a comma.

It felt like some kind of metal, *and* I knocked on it quietly.


I first felt along the bottom of the wall, where it connected with the floor,


that's redundant.

Along the other walls were tools that all of which could easily kill a man,


replace "that" with a comma.

I saw a counter on the wall to my left, *and* on the counter there were two bottles, one almost full and the other 3/4 full,


that feels to specific and slows down the story, unless it's important, just give a general idea of how much liquid is in the bottles.

I hobbled along the wall towards to left


"To the left" or "toward the left, not both :p.

The bigger container contained bleach, I can clean some things later if I need to, "I should see if there's some drainage cleaner or acetone in a janitors closet when i get out of this room, i could make an explosive with this".


this is a really long sentence, you need to break it up with a period or two.

The other glass container was filled with alcohol, "If I cant find anything else ill use this to clean my wounds".


there needs to be a period after alcohol and an apostrophe in can't and I'll.

I took the box off the wall *and* used my hand to support myself against the wall as I made my way to the ground.


When I opened the box I was greeted with a full medical kit, I emptied the box, obtaining a roll or gauze, scissors, a few bandages, tape, triple anti-biotics, and some alcohol wipes.


another run-on sentence.

After about 10 minutes, not sure about time *as I didn't* have any way of telling, I felt satisfied with the bandages I skillfully applied.


gave out and burned out.


"out" is repetetive here.

I thought this comment over for a moment and realized that I heard a symphony of boots moving, "what's the military doing here?" I said to myself, "could it have anything to do with that news report?".


another run-on sentence. also, punctuation goes *inside* the quotation marks. don't worry, i made that mistake too until someone corrected me on it.

whoever they *were*.


okay, that was a lot of nitpicks, but i hope my pointing them out will help you improve your story. it's all stuff that can be fixed in editing. onto the rest of the review.

so your protagonist seems to be an intelligent survival expert, but that's really all we find out about him. i'd like to have learned more about him/her, so i could make a deeper connection with him/her.

i really liked the way the protagonist used echolocation to ascertain his/her surroundings, i think that's really clever and reinforces the fact that he/she is a survival expert because most people wouldn't think to do something like that.

overall i'd suggest you do some editing and maybe work on character development. i'll review the next part soon. happy writing!




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:27 am
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love! Aurora here for a post review day review. Clear the green room!


Your biggest issue is that you don't capitalize things at the beginning of sentences.
Also, you need to start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking. Easy fix.

It would also help the reader if you split up those paragraphs. They are big, chunky, and daunting, at best, to the reader.


The story is good. It caught my attention, and even with all the grammatical errors, I found myself wanting to read more. I'd like to see more description of surroundings in your first chapter. Let the reader know where they are.

Keep persisting, love
Aurora




TestSubjectX says...


The capitalization problems were mostly because I was in notepad, and it doesn't have auto correct. Grammar errors were due to typing fast and thinking the sentence while writing it, so if I read over an error my head would correct it before i noticed. Will try my hardest to do better on the next chapter.





Haha. Good job, sorry if I came across as harsh. I was in a hurry. :)



TestSubjectX says...


Its all good.



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Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:16 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Okay, I love this story so far.
It's pretty good, there are just some little bit of errors that need a-fixin'..

Nitpicks:

Okay, I noticed that most of the beginning of sentences aren't capitalized. It's a quick, easy fix, so don't worry, it's nothing bad.

This sentence is a sentence fragment. You forgot to insert the word 'and' in it.

...but the cold and darkness comforted me.


Lastly, I think you should space out more of your story. It seems cluttered.

Other than that, it's a good chapter overall. I can't wait for the next chapter update.
Keep up the great work c:

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