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Xenoria Legends [Prologue] - Currently Under Editing...

by Kanome


The arch-mage pointed his staff towards the enemies that were coming for him. A blue glow came out from the tip of the dangerous weapon, blasting the enemies with a powerful source of magic. The enemies were slain, and the mage has conquered his battle once again.

“Damn… there’s been so many Voltros lately.” The arch-mage finally spoke.

“Well, you took care of them well, Heswir.” Someone was poking out the side. He seemed like an archer of some sorts, considering the fact he was carrying a bow and arrows on his back.

“More are probably coming, Griss. If me and you use combos, we might gain even more E.X.P.” Heswir stared at Griss, placing his staff next to him, standing straight on the ground.

“Well, we need more E.X.P if we are able to fight the next boss. Your level is high enough, but I think you should level up more.”

------------------------------------------

A boy, who is at the age of 16, was sitting on his desktop, having headphones in while holding a controller.

“I think we need a full clan to defeat the boss though.” He spoke softly into the microphone that was attached to the headphones.

“Hon! It’s time for dinner!” A woman yelled from a different room.

“Hold on, ma! I’m playing my game! Okay… I have to go now, Griss. Try to find any players and ask them to join our party.” The boy logged off from his desktop as he took his headphones off. As he got up from his chair, he picked up a small box that was lying on top of his bed. The words read Xenoria Legends at the front of the box.

He smiled to himself, staring at the box. “I am glad I got this game.”


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Mon Jul 21, 2014 8:05 am
Kanome says...



I am now currently editing this chapter... so please bare with me for next couple of days on it c:

Thank you!




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:17 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Ohayou, Kanome-chan. Knight Subtle here for a review! Ok, so Hannah already touched on the prologue but I'm a prologue nazis, so I'm going to shred this. This is not a prologue. You got me, a prologue isn't used like this. This seems like an introductory to chapter one, in fact this could well be chapter one. It lacks the elements that makes it a prologue, a prologue should be a crucial part to the novel that cannot be written anywhere else. It contains crucial information prior to the novel that foreshadows the events in the novel. On top of that, very few authors uses prologues because they're such a risky thing to write and most readers just skip it. Though, that doesn't seem to be the case on YWS. But just a warning.

Onto the story itself, I quite like where this has to promise. This is strangely familiar to an anime I've watched but knowing you, Kanome, I would bet my pennies that's where you got your ideas from. There is a certain taste of mystery in this short prologue, and possible insight into this game. Though I feel with both character and game you could have gone into much more depth and detail. I also feel that even this is such a short chapter, you could have showed us a lot of these things. Because your story could be so much more vivid.

Just take the scene with the Mage, everything was so short! Aren't these MMORPG games bursting with colour's and actions and sparks. Use words to paint a picture for us, you said glow..but glowing could be so much more. How did it good? Ask yourself. the same with dialogue between the Mage and whoever it was, you could perhaps show the character's tone or emotions?

Same goes with our MC. Though like Hannah said, I'm interested in this story. Is unique as far as writing goes in YWS. Keep me posted.

-S.s




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:58 am
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love!
Aurora here for a quick review. Got to clean up the Green room, yes?

The arch-mage pointed his staff towards the enemies that were coming for him. A blue glow came out from the tip of the dangerous weapon, blasting the enemies with a powerful source of magic. The enemies were slain, and the mage has conquered his battle once again.
You switch verb tenses a lot. I'm only going to give one example, and it's up to you to figure out the rest :).

The part where you describe his age... No. Just... No. He's a teenage guy. He doesn't think like he's from the Middle Ages. The narration should fit this. So clear up that issue in style.

Also, I'd like to see some more description. I realize that this is a prologue and maybe hard to write, but prologues give description. Lost of imagery, and lots of detail. Explain what the boy looks like. Explain what the room looks like. Explain the video games surroundings. The options are endless really. Describe the woman's voice.

Also, I'd italicizes the name of the video game rather than bold it.

Keep persisting, love.
Aurora




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Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:22 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Haha, that was such a weird opening. At first I thought it was real wizards fighting, and I was like, ummm... what wizard talks about earning EXP? That's only in the game world, so I was about to come comment about that and say "You should try to make it more realistic". Come to find out that it's actually a game.

I am wondering, though, why you think a prologue is necessary. Obviously I can't see the first chapter to know whether it's similar to this, but just from looking at the prologue it doesn't seem like it gives us any information that you can't show us in the first chapter. REALLY the only information this chapter gives us is that there's a boy playing an online magic game with his friend and the name of the game is Xenoria Legends. You can EASILY slip that information in anywhere else.

Prologues are kind of tricky that way. They often have to be written in a different style or about a different place or time or something that sets them apart from the regular narrative, so that they actually seem like they can't just go in the regular story. You might think that a Prologue is kind of like an Introduction, but hey! Your story doesn't need an introduction, from what I can see. Your readers are waiting to jump right in!

I will acknowledge, though, that you had the good instinct to give us some story to look forward to. You showed what the main character wanted and how they were going to go about getting it. He wants a clan to attack the boss and he's going to ask his friend to look for team members while he's gone. That gives us a hint as to what to expect in the next chapter and gets us hooked so we want to keep reading.

Anyway, I hope these thoughts are helpful to you!

PM or reply to my review if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck and keep writing!

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We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead