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Magic's Will-CH. 14

by kayfortnight

“He hasn’t heard anymore about the Baroness’s injury?” Ameli asked.

Dafyr shook his head. “Maybe whoever did it ran away or was killed. The boy’s not psychic. He only knows about the injury because of being a thrall.”“And don’t forget that, Dafyr. Thrall, not child. If the Baroness ordered him to slit all our throats, including yours, he’d do it, and those eyes wouldn’t show the least sign of regret.”He stood angrily. “Don’t you think I know that, ‘Meli? I’m reminded of it every time I talk to him. I still can’t believe we’re dealing with creatures who would do that to a child.” He raised a hand to forestall her response. “Yes, I know why we did it. Magicians taking over the country and all that. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

Mad Jarrel ran into the room. “You need to come. The boy screamed and now he’s in hysterics. It’s really quite discomfiting.”

Dafyr and Ameli exchanged glances. He asked, “Have you gone to the Queen with this?”

“Your grandmother sent me to get you. She said you’d be the best one for this, considering how much time you’ve spent with the child.”

“I’ve never seen you this serious,” Ameli said. “Exactly how bad is it, Jarrel? Should we go armed?”

“Yollo’s on guard still. I’m simply worried for him.”

They both nodded and simultaneously said, “I can understand that.” Startled, Dafyr shot looks at Ameli, who didn’t look nearly as surprised by his reaction.

The thrall...the boy...Louis...was laughing and crying at once, sitting on his ostanious bed in an ornate room. When he saw Dafyr, he rushed forward. Dafyr took a step back, and his hand dropped to the silver dagger at his waist.

But it wasn’t an attack. Louis hugged him, a wide smile on his face. “She’s dead,” he whispered.

Ameli gasped, but Dafyr took a moment to sort through it. “Who’s dead?” Then it dawned on him. “The Baroness?” He pushed aside his discomfort at seeing what looked like a ten year old boy so happy at someone’s death.

The boy nodded. “When a Nosferatu dies, all her thralls go free.” He giggled a little. “It’s quite painful, but so wonderful.” His face fell. “Then the thralls turn into full Nosferatu. That’s what I have to look forward to.”

Ameli said delicately, “Are all Nosferatu like the Baroness? it a biological need that makes them that way?”

“They aren’t. There are some that are thralls in all but name, and some who prefer to hide away in their towers reading. But the military warlords have the most power. And...” He glanced down at his feet. “The need to is a biological imperative. Only once a month, but the first feeding...It is required very soon after one becomes a Nosferatu.” He looked up at Dafyr, who took a step back. Something in his eyes then showed exactly how old the supposed child was. “Kill me.”

Dafyr took another step back, then realized he was standing in the hallway. He blushed, but asked anyway, “Why?”

“The need to feed will eventually become uncontrollable. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I will become blinded with bloodlust. I’ve seen it happen with other newly become Nosferatu when the Baroness killed those who made them thralls.” His expression darkened. “She usually would let them work themselves up into a blood craze, then let them drink from me or one of the other thralls. Thrall blood is still close enough to human to serve.”

He tried not to think about the implications of what Louis said too much, but it was unavoidable. He decided to go with the currently most dangerous bit of speech. “There are other thralls. How many?”“Hundreds. She liked turning people. Hundreds of thralls that are now becoming Nosferatu. They’ll need to feed soon, too, and they’re out there in the countryside. The Baroness was cruel, manipulative, and insane, but she did keep those thralls thralls. Now...” He trailed off. The despair and bitterness in his voice was evident.

Dafyr knelt on the floor so that he was at Louis’s level. “I’m not going to kill you unless I have to, Louis. Do you have to feed from people until they’re dead?”

“Unless they’re thralls, yes. Thralls have something different in our-their blood that makes it possible to stop.”

Dafyr didn’t let it show how much this information disheartened him. “We’ll figure something out. I have to admit, we have some ulterior motives here too. You’re the best insight we have into the minds of the Nosferatu.” He frowned. “Jarrel, Yollo, I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to keep your guarding up. Keep Louis’s door locked, for your sake and his.”They moved to follow orders, and he and Ameli walked down the hallway to go see the Queen. When they were out of Jarrel and Yollo’s hearing, she turned to him and slapped him across the face. “Are you insane?”

I sighed, leaning my head on my hands. I applauded your action, Sylvaris, but...hundreds of Nosferatu? Damn. I am in trouble. Still, I suppose it could be fun.

The trickle of sand in the hourglass behind me causes me to turn. I shiver as the neck of the glass widens to allow a huge amount of sand to pass through before it narrows again. Perhaps not.

I need to create a successor soon, who can deal with this problem instead of me.

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1416 Reviews

Points: 3633
Reviews: 1416

Sun Jul 27, 2014 6:11 pm
Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

So I'd mention something about the first paragraph being all mushed together, but I figured it must just be YWS messing up the formatting. I know you know how to break up a paragraph.

Alright, I have to admit that I'm a bit confused. Wasn't Dafyr just talking to the boy at the end of the last chapter? And now he's off talking to Ameli. Maybe I'm just forgetting something that happened? If not and he's actually finished talking to the boy, I'd suggest adding that in somewhere here, just to make sure the readers understand exactly what's going on and where Dafyr is at the time.

The thrall...the boy...Louis...

Too many ellipses here. Dashes would work just as well and probably would work better.

:O Magic is going to find someone to take her place? Oh no, this is not going to be good at all. You know, this ending sentence is very interesting to me. From what I've learned about Magic, she's very powerful. Yet she can't deal with all these Nosferatus? Interesting.

Your novel is really coming together well. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm quite enjoying reading this. What I like about this is that we keep switching perspectives in each chapter. It really keeps us readers on edge. We're always left with a cliffhanger or something that leaves us wondering. And we want to figure this out, but then we're left wondering with the next chapter. It makes me want to keep reading! Do keep that up. You make it so interesting :)

Keep writing!

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933 Reviews

Points: 4311
Reviews: 933

Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:08 am
Iggy wrote a review...

Hey Kat. Here for more~

Once more, your dialogue is all scrunched up together. Mostly in the second paragraph. not sure why, but I suggest you give it a look because it makes things hard to read. :mrgreen:

Anyways. I liked this chapter quite a lot! I'm a bit surprised that Sylvaris managed to kill the Baroness, but hey, who cares? Ding dong, the witch is dead! I suppose it will cause a problem for the Queen, because now who is she gonna make a deal with?

As for Louis, he seems like a good kid. I'm glad he's free. But he will now turn into a Nosferatu? :( Poor kid. I feel bad for him. Is it painful? Is it something that can't be stopped, no matter what? I guess we'll find out. I hope they get him a human soon cause he's a cool kid for a ten year old and I don't want him to die. >_>

As for the other thralls, well. That won't be pleasant. Lots of hungry vampires that will kill out of the bloodlust? My, look at the mess you created, Sylvaris. *tsk tsks*

Looks like something not even Magic can control! Oh, I like how things are spiraling out of her control. I can't wait to see more. 8D Keep me informed.


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639 Reviews

Points: 13700
Reviews: 639

Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:51 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hello again Kay, Wolf here for yet another review of your wonderful novel.

So, being the really smart person I am, have not yet read the previous chapters. I know, I really should and I know it will help me understand some things more (like who the people he is talking to in the beginning are), but probably tomorrow I will catch up and finally be able to understand everything that's going on. Still, with that being said, I'm still not that confused for this chapter, which is good!

I really like how you incorporate both third and first person narrators, especially in this way. I'm sure it's much easier to pull off than it appears to, but not only are you able to do it, but you're able to do it very well and use that as another device to drive the plot forward.

Okay, one little thing I'm super confused about, is the genders of the guards. I recall they were joined someone (I had assumed marriage) and I thought Yollo was a female, and now I'm told he/she/it is not? I'm not sure, but that just made me extremely confused.

Anyway, I can't wait to see more (and finally read the first chapter). Keep Writing Awesomely,

kayfortnight says...

Nah, they're both guys. I figure it's my fantasy world, if I want gay marriage to be legal in it I can have it.

Wolfare1 says...

Haha, I guess I'm stuck in the stereotypes xD

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351 Reviews

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Reviews: 351

Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:48 am
Kanome wrote a review...

Kanome here with a review for you.

I like this chapter so far.
It has drama and answered questions people wanted to know.

Onto nitpicking:
Okay, I only saw one thing that caught my eye.
It's only a suggestion, so it's okay if you want to leave it the way it is.

Okay, I think instead of the word 'but', you should use 'yet' like this:

“It’s quite painful, yet so wonderful.”

Other than that, I don't see any other issues in this chapter.
Keep up the great work. I can't wait for the next chapter update.

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317 Reviews

Points: 20
Reviews: 317

Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:44 am
lostthought wrote a review...

This review courtesy of

Here to review! And since you already said the paragraphs decided to be jerks and clump together, I'll say nothing about it.

Spoiler! :
really quite discomforting.

I also have to comment on all the dots. I think a comma would be good on most of them.

Dafyr is different. Sympathetic. But if he was really sympathetic, he would've killed the boy. Why submit him to the torture of turning him into a Vampire (that is what a Nosferatu is, right? I keep thinking it's a German way of saying it).

Louis is about to go on a blood thirsty rage and they just let him be guarded by two humans? They must be kind, because they are leaving him a snack. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes when he gets hungry.

Keep writing,


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212 Reviews

Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:08 am
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...

Hello, love! Aurora here for a quick review!
Must.... Keep.... Green room... Clear... Of all... Works.

I haven't read any of your previous chapters, but that's okay. I'll critique this one just as awesomely as I would have had I read your previous chapters.

Alright. I've had hysterics before. If and unless this boy has super self control and control over his emotions, he shouldn't be able to reply to questions. In fact, they shouldn't be questioning him at all, lest he go crazy. And who wants an insane thrall running around?

You have a few repetitive issues in this piece. Okay, you have one repetitive issue in this piece. You don't start new paragraphs when a new person starts talking. That made it very confusing for me to read. Remember it's not just a new line that you have to start, but a new paragraph.

Not much else to review, really. I'm guessing you must have described in your previous chapters, and your style is perfect the way it is.

Keep persisting, love

kayfortnight says...

Okay, I know I've been separating these paragraphs. YWS must be squishing them together when I copy & paste. I'll check like I check Magic's italics when I paste next time.

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