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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Rouge Pryde: Chapter One

by KnightTeen


This story is a sequel to my X-Men comic short story series, Shadowed Pryde. You don't really have to read the first three stories to understand this, since the plot is kind of separate, but in order to understand the characters, I would recommend that you take a look at them.

Thanks!

When Scott and some of the others got called out on a retrieval mission, my senses started tingling, and I almost felt kind of relieved. I was aching for some action, some adventure, some anything to break the mundane cycle that we were currently living in.

And that something was the girl, who was either my age or a little bit older who was currently clinging to Jean like she was a life line. There was another unfamiliar mutant with her, but she was the key to whatever was coming next.

I walked over to stand in front of her and stuck my hand out in greeting. She immediately shied away, as if she were afraid of me.

I spoke to her gently, "I'm Kitty. What's your name?"

There was a brief silence while we all stood in the corridor waiting for her to speak. I could tell from the way that she was shuffling her feet that she was looking at her companion, as if asking for permission. Apparently whatever silent signal he gave her told her that telling me her name would be alright.

"I'm Rogue."

"It's nice to meet you." I replied.

Seconds after telling me her name, my sister's companion collapsed. I held her back as all the adults hauled him up and rushed him to the medbay.

"Hey," I told her, "He'll be okay."

"Can you promise that?"

"No. But I can promise that Hank will do his best."

She seemed to be okay with that answer. I could hear the Professor wheeling into the hall behind us.

"You're a little late to the party Xavier," I joked, "The others took the man down below, I'll check on him later. For now, where can we put Rouge?"

"You don't have a roommate yet, Kitty."

It was true. I didn't. All the new recruits were just a tad to immature to stand me for long before requesting a room change. I guess they didn't like my sparkling personality.

"Sure. And while I'm making up a bed for you, you can use my shower and borrow some of my clothes."

"Do you have any gloves?" Her quiet question threw me off a bit, I have to admit. I was not expecting any sort of reply from her.

"Yeah," I said slowly, "I do. You like wearing gloves?"

"No."

Her reply confused me. "Then why do you want some?" I asked.

"The ones I'm wearing are dirty and I need a new pair."

It was clear that she wasn't going to give me any answer beyond what she had already told me, so I let sleeping dogs lie, and bid the Professor goodbye. Grasping her arm, I led her up the stairs and to my room.

After showing her the shower and giving her some clean clothes, I went to bug Piotr for help with one of the spare cots. Being the nice guy that he is, he lifted one of the more comfortable ones off of the top shelf in the large supply closet for me.

Being the nice girl that I am, I thanked him with a quick kiss before ditching my guy for the timid girl in my bedroom.

The minute I opened my door in order to push the cot into the room she was there in front of me, helping me by pulling on the other end. Between the two of us, we got it set up in a few minutes.

"Well," I said with a slight huff, "There's that. Anything you need, you let me know. You're welcome to anything in the room, except my computer and books, since they're designed for people like me specifically."

"People like you?" she asked me curiously.

Did she seriously not know?

"Yeah," I said, "I'm blind. My books are in braille and my computer was built to work for me."

"Seriously? But you seem so..." she trailed off, and I could tell that she was scared of offending me.

I sat down on my bed and patted the space next to me. It took a minute, but she took my invitation.

"I seem so normal? It's okay, I get that a lot. I'm just so used to this place and everybody in it, that I don't have a problem getting around without any kind of aid. And for me, being blind is normal."

"I think that's kind of cool."

"Thanks Rouge. I do too."

"So, what is this place anyway."

"Well, it's official name is Xavier's School for the Gifted."

"So what, you're all really smart or talented?"

I laughed slightly. "Well, some of us are smart. And we all are talented in our own way. But that's not why we are students here."

"What do you mean?"

"Rouge, several of our teachers brought you in. Surely you've got to know that they are mutants."

"Well," she said slowly, "The white haired lady made the snow move around, and that guy with the headgear shot a laser out of his eye to get me out of the car...but I figured that was just them."

I couldn't help myself, I outright laughed at her descriptions of Scott and Storm.

"Soo,"she continued, "I know that they are mutants, but I don't know if anybody else here knows."

"Oh," I reassured her, "We all know that they're mutants."

"But," she said hesitantly, "isn't that dangerous? What if someone in the school is against mutants?"

"Then they would be against themselves." I said dryly.

"I don't understand what you are getting at, Kitty."

"On the outside, we are a school for gifted kids. The sign just doesn't specify what kind of gifted. Everyone here, student, teacher, it doesn't matter, is a mutant."

Her silence was overwhelming.

I waved my hand in front of her face slightly, hoping for some sort of response. I could feel her twitch slightly, and I let out a sigh of relief.

Well, at least I haven't killed her...yet.

I started to shake her, and would have continued to do so until she acknowledged me, if it hadn't been for the school alarms going off at that exact moment. I recognized the sequence instantly.

That particular alarm only went off when someone decided to break out of the medbay before Hank or Jean released them. Which meant that the man who had accompanied Rouge was currently making a break for it, since he was the only one occupying that sector at the moment.

And seconds later, I felt the Professor telepathically brushing my mind, asking for permission to enter. I gently let him in, long enough for him to speak to me.

Kitty, our guest has found himself trapped in the Danger Room, which has locked itself down. Kurt doesn't dare teleport into there with the defense mechanism on, so would you be so kind as to help our guest out?

I sighed again, more heavily this time.

Sure thing Professor. You might want to send somebody up to watch the girl while I'm busy. Finding out that we are all mutants seems to have given her a bit of a shock.

How big of a shock?

She hasn't spoken since I told her a few minutes ago.

He paused. I see. Well, you handle her companion and I will send Storm upstairs to take care of her.

Will do.

I cut the connection the minute we were through talking. I hated it when anyone was in my head.

I explained to Rogue that I was going to be gone for a little while, and that a friend of mine would be staying with her until I came back. She nodded her head, which gave me a slight hope that I didn't completely break her, and then I left, phasing through the floor as if it wasn't even there. The gasp that I heard before my head went down let me know that I had startled Rogue even more, and I winced a little.

Well, I thought, that went well.

Thankfully, thanks to the structure of the mansion, the Danger room was only a few stories directly below me. All I had to do was drop down. And, thanks to my mutation, accomplishing that task was relatively easy. And quick. It only took a few seconds for me to drop through the floors to the lower level.

Now, the Danger Room, the Medbay, the Jet Hanger, and all of the X-Men paraphernalia are kept in the lower levels away from the rest of the school. It's all kept a secret from the majority of the students. And in the words of the great Albus Dumblodore, "Therefore, naturally, the whole school knows."

Many of the older children go down there to train at least once a week, or more than once a week if they have to make a trip to the medbay. Which, for most of the boys at least, happens a lot. But for the most part, it is an unspoken rule that anyone who is not a member of the team stays out of the lower levels unless they are told to be there for some reason.

The second I felt myself slip into the control room for the DR systems, I switched off my mutation. Since I was the computer genius in the group, ever since I had been here I was the one in charge of all the holograms and mechanics that we had built into the training sequences. Once I was completely solid, I nearly gagged on on the scent of fried machinery.

Somehow this mutant had managed to completely short out of our systems, and by the sounds coming from the training area below, had thrown himself through the window in order to escape and now found himself trapped fighting our equipment. I sighed, knowing that it would take me and Hank weeks to fix it all.

Looks like we're doing hand-to-hand combat for a while.

Now, normally, if this had happened then we would all be stuck fighting against the holograms until we managed to break all of the projectors and robots. That's how it was when I first came here anyway. But, replacing all of the stuff constantly had been getting expensive, so I created a device that let out a pulse of electricity that had been tuned to just the right frequency to shut down all of the Danger Room devices, and nothing else.

It had taken us over two months to do it, but it was worth it.

I threw the switch, and listened as the sounds of fighting slowly died as the machines shorted and the holos disappeared. Down below me, the man was floundering in confusion, clearly wondering why all of the things he had been fighting were slowly disappearing. I decided not to keep him in that state for long.

"Ya know," I said, turning to him, "You really ought to be more careful around here. No telling what you might stumble into."

"Ya try wakin' up strapped to a bed with a red-head standin' over you with some weird gadgets in her hands and not freak out, petite."

I chuckled, remembering back to the day the exact same thing had happened to me, the very first time I had ever met all of the X-Men.

"Been there, done that." I told him.

"Where's the girl?"

"Rogue? She's in my room."

"She safe?" he asked, and for the first time I noticed a slight cajun accent coating his words. It wasn't a heavy, hard to understand kind of accent either. It was a nice change from all the New York accents.

"Yeah. Little shocked, but she's fine."

"Good."

"So," I asked curiously, "You got a name for me, Bayou Boy?"

I could practically feel him grin. "My name is Remy, petite. But you can call me Gambit."


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Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:30 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

I am always late, and I am super sorry, but I lost my way. There were X-men on the road, and their conversations were too stimulating to ignore... So I talked to them for a while. Got some compliments on my cape there, too! :D

I love how you are continuing with this story. Its always fun to have a certain person who you have grown attached to and continue to write from their perspective. After a while, its not just a person anymore. It seems like that person is part of you. You know this person so well. All of their secrets, their inner self--you know them all. And its the knowledge of that, which some of those you created yourself, that brings the character closer to your heart, and makes them yours. Sorry. Got on a typing spree there. I love characters, and watching them develop over, gosh, over one hundred pages of writing is a thrill. :)

In this chapter, you seem to show even another side of Kitty. Confidence. She has now found her niche, the place in the world where she actually belongs. Through the other novellas, where I was beginning to know Kitty and then throughout the development of her character and circumstances, I never had the feeling that she had confidence in herself. Confidence in her abilities. This is the first chapter where she doesn't seem to have as much doubt. She seems to know what she can do, what her limitations are, and how much power she holds. The timid girl is gone, and replaced by a woman. I find that I like the development you have brought me through. Watching her change has been such a thrill!

I understood the part that you bolded, but only because I read the other chapters of the other novellas you wrote on this character. Perhaps, for new reader's sakes, you could put inside your author's note why it is bolded? And, I think, since there is a little bit of a disconnect between the bolded section and the new chapter, I think there should be a break. Something to separate the two.


"Hey," I told her, "He'll be okay."

"Can you promise that?"

"No. But I can promise that Hank will do his best."


I would have to agree with Biscuits on some sections of your dialogue. When writing conversations, it is sometimes okay to stray away from tagging the name and putting in an action of the character, but here... Here, we have an emotional scene--emotional for her sister. So you need to show her pain, show her emotions. And what better way to do it than little actions after dialogue? Little things--wiping tears away, folding her arms, making her "own space". Whatever you want. But without those little actions thrown in, the dialogue seems somewhat empty. The words your characters say aren't empty, but the section of the piece seems too void of action.

The others took the man down below, I'll check on him later


Technically, those are two sentences. :D

All the new recruits were just a tad to immature to stand me


Okay, so two nitpicks on that one sentence. The bolded part comes first!

You have a powerful sentence here, not only because of her narration but because it shows what the other recruits think of her. With your sentences, you want your message inside to come across as direct as possible, without straying from the picture or inserting superfluous words inside them. Just a tad brings your sentence down by its emptiness. Its loose meaning. Its mell--well, you can do better than that. I think just take it out, and your sentence will be the better for it.

Second nitpick, the one in italics, is pretty simple. "to" should be "too"

Being the nice guy that he is, he lifted one of the more comfortable ones off of the top shelf in the large supply closet for me.

Being the nice girl that I am, I thanked him with a quick kiss before ditching my guy for the timid girl in my bedroom.


To me, these two sentences should have been put together to make their own paragraph. I love the repetition you used there sooo much! :D

So, what is this place anyway."


Its a question, and you wrote it without a question mark. May want to insert one. :)

I couldn't help myself, I outright laughed at her descriptions of Scott and Storm.


Written as one sentence, but should be two because of how you word it. If you want to keep it as one sentence, you could switch the wording around a little bit to make it flow properly.

"Soo,"she continued


space needed in-between the quotation mark and "she"

Kitty, our guest has found himself trapped in the Danger Room, which has locked itself down. Kurt doesn't dare teleport into there with the defense mechanism on, so would you be so kind as to help our guest out?

I sighed again, more heavily this time.

Sure thing Professor. You might want to send somebody up to watch the girl while I'm busy. Finding out that we are all mutants seems to have given her a bit of a shock.

How big of a shock?

She hasn't spoken since I told her a few minutes ago.

He paused. I see. Well, you handle her companion and I will send Storm upstairs to take care of her.

Will do.


Usually I don't pull out sections of text this big, but I think it was necessary.
I have gone through this deal before. I just finished writing a chapter for my book where the character has some "mind talk" with other characters. Its really hard to give your reader the feeling and the knowledge that, Hey, this isn't a normal conversation! With yours, the dialogue alternated between being italicized and normal all the time--not seeming to have a pattern of any kind. I will just tell you what I did, or rather, just write out your dialogue over for you the way that I think it would look better, and make more sense as.

Spoiler! :
"Kitty, our guest has found himself trapped in the Danger Room, which has locked itself down. Kurt doesn't dare teleport into there with the defense mechanism on, so would you be so kind as to help our guest out?"

I sighed again, more heavily this time.

"Sure thing, Professor. You might want to send somebody up to watch the girl while I'm busy. Finding out that we are all mutants seems to have given her a bit of a shock."

"How big of a shock?"

"She hasn't spoken since I told her a few minutes ago."

He paused. "I see. Well, you handle her companion and I will send Storm upstairs to take care of her."

"Will do."


Thankfully, thanks to the structure


Two "thanks" right after each other install redundancy. I would suggest just taking out the first.

Now, the Danger Room, the Medbay, the Jet Hanger, and all of the X-Men paraphernalia are kept in the lower levels away from the rest of the school. It's all kept a secret from the majority of the students.


Okay, so I will not pull out another huge chunk of your writing, but there is more directly after and a little before that I am going to be talking about as well.

For a short period in your writing, you had what many people call an info dump. Its like you took a map of the rooms and just started explaining it to us. Normally, that might not be a problem. You have a slow scene, where not much is happening and Kitty is talking to someone--perhaps telling Rogue about the layout of the school or something. That would work fine. But you have a high action scene here, where the reader's mind and focus should be on the imminent action approaching. You have pumped us up, making this scene intense in they way that only you know how, and then you start giving us the layout.

This is what I would do. Give us what we need to see a picture--nothing more. Only describe what the reader needs to see.

That's how it was when I first came here anyway.


Comma after "here"

But, replacing all of the stuff constantly


Comma after "but" isn't really necessary.

petite


He is calling her petite not like she is small, but using it as a name. So would that make it a proper noun? Capitalize it, perhaps?

Donee with the nitpicks. This piece is too good for nitpicks, anyway. I loved this first installment of your, wow... Your third book on Kitty! I love that you continue to use her as the main character, even though you keep introducing all of these neat characters into your story. Keep using Kitty. I love her too much to let her viewpoint go. :)

Now, I remember you telling me that these stories were fan-fiction, but not from the movies. So you are writing this from the magazines? I haven't watched the movies of X-men, nor read the comics. But the front cover of the movies look cool, and Wolverine has cool knives sticking out of his hands. For some reason, I fantasized having those coming out of my hands... :P

So I loved this chapter, love your style. And your character's voice is so... big. You can really see her personality from they way that she handles things and how she describes things to people. With third person, you can have floral descriptions, but never know the character deep down as much as you can with first person. And you are a genius with first person writing, so you do an amazing job giving us these stories from her perspective.

Thank you for writing this. Pryde has been a very enjoyable book so far, and I can't wait for the next one.

Tag me? Pleeease?
I hope that this longer review made up for the delay. :)
~Darth Timmyjake, signing out.




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:03 am
Sylar wrote a review...



Hello KnightTeen! This is icannothearthings for a short review, happy review day!

First of all, why is "When Scott and some of the others got called out on a retrieval mission, my senses started tingling, and I almost felt kind of relieved. I was aching for some action, some adventure, some anything to break the mundane cycle that we were currently living in.
And that something was the girl, who was either my age or a little bit older who was currently clinging to Jean like she was a life line. There was another unfamiliar mutant with her, but she was the key to whatever was coming next.
I walked over to stand in front of her and stuck my hand out in greeting. She immediately shied away, as if she were afraid of me.
I spoke to her gently, "I'm Kitty. What's your name?"
There was a brief silence while we all stood in the corridor waiting for her to speak. I could tell from the way that she was shuffling her feet that she was looking at her companion, as if asking for permission. Apparently whatever silent signal he gave her told her that telling me her name would be alright.
"I'm Rogue."
"It's nice to meet you." I replied."

In bold? It's kind of confusing, because it's not a flashback or a prologue or anything, just the beginning of the piece. I think you should fix that.

Now, I'm not going to go into nitpicks for a longer piece like this. I'll just tell how I like the piece in general:

Oh my God! I love this piece, and I can't wait to read more! You have a great way with language. I'm interested in Gambit, Kitty, Rogue and all of the other characters.

I love the fact that you used an Albus Dumbledore quote. Well, if anyone makes a Harry Potter reference, in anything, I love them already.

Now I'm just getting into the X-Men comics (like 1970s comics, actually) and I saw some of the most recent movies, but I'm not really accustomed to these characters, but I think that it made this story more interesting.

I can't wait to keep reading! You did an awesome job!

VIVA LE VERDE AND HAPPY REVIEW DAY FROM ICANNOTHEARTHINGS!!!!!!!!!




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:15 am
ExOmelas says...



By the way, I just noticed how many of these stories you have written. You are going to get a lot of reviews from me soon.




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:13 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'Rouge?"' - Look at this carefully. You get this right and wrong at various points so I know you know how to spell it.

'just a tad to immature' - should be 'too'

'"So, what is this place anyway."' - this sounds like a question to me.

'"Then they would be against themselves." I said dryly.' - the first full stop should be a comma

'Sure thing Professor. You might want to send somebody up to watch the girl while I'm busy. Finding out that we are all mutants seems to have given her a bit of a shock.' - it was a bit confusing these being thoughts in normal text. I was thinking you could maybe try it in bold?

'Thankfully, thanks to the structure of the mansion,' - Woah, that's a lot of gratitude. I would take out either the first or second word.

'And in the words of the great Albus Dumblodore, "Therefore, naturally, the whole school knows."' - you have literally no idea how happy this made me.

'completely short out of our systems' - I don't think you need the 'of'

'"Been there, done that." I told him.' - the first full stop should be a comma because the verb is a speech verb.


Okay, not gonna lie, I thought it was going to be Wolverine at the end, just based on X-Men 1. Oh, well. Gambit's awesome too and he has such an achievable power. Like, ever since I watched First Class, I've been putting two fingers to my temple and trying to read people's minds. But, if I practised enough, I could emulate Gambit pretty well.
I think the bold at the start may have possibly gone on longer than you meant. I thought it was going to be a prologue type thing but I'm not sure I understand why it stops in the middle of a scene.
If you haven't guessed, I love X-Men. I did Magneto as my villain for the YWS Hunger Games - he is so misunderstood! But yes, back to your story. I love the way you drop in names really casually. It really emphasises the everyday life of the school. Also, Kitty's characterisation is incredible.
Literally my only suggestion is perhaps a little more movement during speech. Just some gestures here and there, or else it turns into a script.
Lastly, how freaking awesome is Gambit?

Well done and thanks for the opportunity to fangirl in the midst of review day :)





“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester