z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Right & Wrong Chapter 1

by racket


Two figures swept across the snow covered mountains, their cloaks waving in the wind. Flurries of snow surrounded them and pulled at the tassels on their fronts that held the cloaks in place. A sudden gust of wind blew both of their hoods off to reveal a strange sight. The taller was clearly a young man with a deep, dark blue hair color that was cropped just short enough against his skull to waving slightly in the wind. A bandage clearly covered the whole left side of his head. The other person was harder to make out. The shorter figure could have been either man or woman. They had sea green curls cut short, the length about to the middle of their ears. Two strange linen triangles, one going over the top of their head and the other going around the left side of their head connected in a pin at the center of the back of their head in a feminine fashion. The snow seemed to collect around them, leaving the young man to the wind as the other person was in the eye of a snow tornado.

The young man was clearly at a discomfort with the cold and pulled his hood back up against his head, shuddering slightly. The other person had no clear emotion for the cold except that they did not care about it. Their hood stayed down amidst the blizzard they walked in. The pair strode onward.

***

In the center of a large forest in eastern Anala, deeply hidden in the hills of Attenimo, trees bent down to the ground. All the plant life bowed low in the direction called East. They bent down gracefully, as dominos would if time slowed when the first was knocked over. A wave of animals of all kind leaped over the bent nature and raced the direction the trees were pointing. On they ran, through lakes and grottos, through meadows and up hills. Never resting, never stopping. A historic event was about to take place.

After hours of relentless race, the races began to stop and finally kneeled low with bent necks towards a gleaming light flowing through the forest. A speck of the rainbow grew bigger as it moved forward, the epicenter of the magnificent light. As it came closer it was found to be a she, the most beautiful of woman ever known. The soft glorious light emanating from her swelled through all the dark splotches of the forest not fit for her eyes. She wore a gown of soft rainbow, golden hair piled above her hair, and her graceful feet danced their way through the forest. She had green vines with the prettiest little blooms all over the stems wrapped around her, bouquets in her hair, and leaves for jewelry. Humming birds flew after her, fawns fumbled along behind her, and dogs jumped around her legs, wagging their tails with joy. The birds sang the most glorious melodies wherever she went. She, and all around her, was beautiful.

A magnificent beast of violet and rose waited for her. It had malicious horns and fangs of pure white with swirls of gold. It’s scales were finely polished metal of the finest colors. Tongues of fire licked its mouth. It was a dragon if there ever was one. It grinned ever so slightly at the queen that approached it and lowered its head in a greeting bow before raising it again. Pale, fair hands wrapped around its neck from behind. The hands pushed themselves on the top of the dragon’s neck to reveal a slender girl of which they were attached to. White petals wrapped around her in a flatteringly simply dress which flowed in the slight breeze the same as her semi-long chestnut brown hair. The light of the fading sun reached behind her, giving her a slight glow almost like that of the beautiful woman. She sat herself on the dragon’s willing neck and gazed at the woman.

The woman smiled delicately at the girl and nodded to her. The girl nodded back in a slightly confused manner. The woman laughed a tinkling laugh then stepped into the air which obliged in lifting her. The rainbow woman continued through the air as if it were a staircase, until reached the gaping girl upon the dragon’s neck. She smiled and placed her slender porcelain hands under the girl’s chin and turned her face back and forth gently, looking into her eyes and tracing her cheeks. Then she gently tapped the girl on the nose and laughed her tinkling laugh. The girl blushed as the woman sat beside her on the dragon’s neck and took her hands in her own.

“I am the fey they call Mother Nature.” the woman whispered gently in her soft voice to the girl. The girl’s eyebrows shot up and she stammered:

“Oh! I am-I am Taiza!” then she dropped her voice in respect. “Taiza, Your Majesty.” Taiza then bowed low.

“I know who you are, my child.” Mother Nature responded fondly, “I am your fey mother.” Taiza gasped at which Mother Nature quickly replied

“All naturally born mages have one if they are powerful enough to need one. I will guide you through all hardship by giving you advice that is wise and just.” Mother Nature’s smile disappeared.

“But I will not always be able to help you. You must not call on me every opportunity you have. Only if you are in grave danger or need the best of guidance may you call on me. You are the Mother Nature of this world. You must learn how to be a wise mage on your own.” She pressed a soft, creamy-white bell into Taiza’s palm.

“Use this to call me. Take the clapper- the metallic ball in the bell- out if you need me to do anything drastic or as soon as possible. Put it back in afterwards.” Mother Nature pressed a porcelain hand to Taiza’s cheek.

“To give me a message, ring the bell twice, tell me your message, then ring the bell twice more. This is a precious instrument I am giving you.” She looked Taiza straight in the eye. “Do not lose it.” Mother Nature rose. “A dangerous time is approaching you. There will be little peace and rest for your soul for a long, long time. You will feel lonely. Be brave.” She walked off into the air.

“A pair of young people like yourself are coming to meet you. Go with them.” Mother Nature glanced over her shoulder as the light around her faded and waved.

“Good bye.”

“Wait!” Taiza shouted standing quickly. But the Mother was already gone.

***

A young man tapped his way up a mountain side, flurries of snow brushing his deep purple hair. He shivered and grabbed for his cloak. The fabric wound around him and glowed faintly. He heaved a sigh of content and flopped onto a patch of withering grass beside the road. He pulled a blanket out of the pouch at his side and wrapped it over his shaggy head. Then he fell asleep.

***

The two figures with the sea-green hair and the deep, dark-blue hair began to descend the final mountain in the mountain pass of Western Anala. A tiny village gleamed in the night air with little fires twinkling through the windows and openings in the tiny homes. Evening had just recently swept over the land with reluctant flurries of snow coming from up over the mountainsides. Frost glistened on the roof tops and dripping icicles clung to the eaves. Few villagers set foot out of their warm homes in this chilly night where winter clung with fading strength.

The green haired person was now recognizable as a girl with very short hair and long, plentiful eyelashes. A single earring hung from the left side of her face, the side that was free of its strange bandage. The man that accompanied her had his bandages large on his face so none of the left side of his face could be seen. They stopped on the edge of a cliff overlooking the village underneath them. Beyond the village was a dark wood with tiny lights glittering inside, weaving around the tree trunks and plant stems that were abundant there. Some made their way close to the villages boundaries, above their gardens and bushes.

The couple unclasped their cloaks, letting them fall away and crumple to the ground. The young woman wore draping sleeves that were attached to a simple, shapeful, light blue gown that swept along the ground. Her partner wore a simple light blue tunic over faded beige pants that tucked into his black boots. Both wore a single white glove on their left hands.

The man raised his hands, palm up, and wrapped his right hand in an invisible substance. Shimmers of light danced on the strange substance that wove about his hand. Perspiration glistened on his brow as a liquid enveloped his fingers, dripping to the ground before condensing into a wobbly ball resting in the palm of his hand. Glittering specks constantly raced throughout the figure, running through his veins and pouring out into the little glistening ball. He dipped his gloved hand into the ball and held a drop of it in his hand. Then he scattered it into the breezes, which immediately changed their courses to sweep the droplet out over the village, from where they abruptly stopped and dropped the droplet onto a barn. The substance spread out over the structure until it was covering the entire building, from where it crept inside the barn and expanded over all objects inside.

The man dipped his gloved hand back into the ball in his open palm and repeated the astounding process. Soon the entire village, and its contents, was covered with the shimmering liquid. Any villagers out in the paths at the late hour became very slow and stared in awe and horror at what covered them. As soon as they had sense enough to turn to where the substance had come from, snowflakes were already swirling in immense bunches around them and the village buildings. A single snowflake hit the eve of a cottage and became stuck. Less than a second went by before the entire structure was covered in frost and frozen solid. The few villagers on the main path opened their mouths in a slow and unsteady manner to scream, but none of them reached their goal. They were frozen stiff before they could utter a small cry. In a matter of seconds, the entire village was solid. If you were to touch any of the village, you would find it the temperature of the air around the village and all the villagers and animals that lived there were alive and breathing, but none with the ability of movement.

Back on the overlook, the man had no ball of liquid in his hand; he had put his cloak back on and was eating a few berries off a wild blackberry bush that was beside the rock on which he sat. The young woman, however, had her hands in the air in front of her face. Many glittering, un-natural-looking snowflakes spun out of her palm and glove and swirled around her before surrounding the village and freezing everything in place. The snowflakes then returned to her, melting into her clothing and skin in an uncannily natural way. The man handed the woman some berries and collected the few berries left on the bush into a pouch on his belt. He stood, and the pair began their descent of this last mountain, seeming to ponder where they would strike next.

***

Past the frozen village the far off couple proceeded, not knowing that another traveler was with them, if not close. The wary traveler began to descend the mountain, wrapping his cloak around his midriff, his eyes looking far better rested than before. His shaggy, purple locks playing in the wind and covering his eyes. He brushed away the annoyance and scanned the mountainside, as well as beyond. He fingered the air, as if rubbing an inexistant piece of string between his fingers. Grabbing the strand, he began to chant beneath his breath, and his fingers fell through the air as if the strand had vanished. Which it had. Frowning slightly, the young man continued to pick his way among brush and thorns and shortly reached flatter ground. Seeing that the pair in front of him had disappeared among the trees, he made his way to the frozen village. Tapping a window to clear away frost, he peered inside. A young boy sat in front of a couch with his hand frozen in the air, a toy train curled in his fingers. More trains aligned in front of him, his other hand stuck in place amidst the process of putting down a second train. His eyes looked terrified and glanced around their container. ‘All the villagers and animals in the village are alive!’ he thought, ‘Their souls are contained in their bodies, where they once were free.’ It was a terrifying sight. The man left the window as a pang of familiarity washed over him, making his heart beat faster. He looked down at his boots and trudged away from the frozen village, closing in on the forest where the couple had vanished.

***

The young woman and young man pushed branches away from their faces and pulled out the thorns that tore into their flesh and clothing. The forest was thick with life and growth, making it hard to move through. They progressed slowly, but eventually the glade they seeked came into view.

“There is magic in here that is stronger than any I have sensed before.” the young man said quietly. “I sense that it stops outside the glade. We are here.”

“That you are.” said a female voice from above. “In fact, wherever you go, is ‘here’.” A snicker introduced the arrival of a young woman that had stepped out of the shadows in the trees’ branches. She wore an intricately patterned white skirt covered with mysterious symbols intertwined with coconut hair and stringy bark from exotic trees. She wore a long brown jacket that opened to reveal a tight wrap of red and white around her chest. The jacket was, at closer inspection, made of millions of dried leaves and flowers, as well as vines. Her chestnut-brown hair had been streaked with gold and hazel and then woven into the pattern of a flower at the back of her head, so she appeared to have magnificent petals growing from her skull. She was gorgeous.

The new arrival’s slender feet slid around a vine. She used this motion to twirl herself into a tribal position upon the ground in front of the pair of cloaked figures.

“Welcome, my friends Ella and Tip.” The couple before her flinched in surprise.

“How do you know of our names?” the young woman Ella whispered.

“I know more than you could ever imagine.” The girl replied with an uncanny smile. She tipped her head. “One thing remains a mystery to me, though, why do you find the prospect of kidnapping me...difficult, rather than...wrong?” The couple she questioned stepped back in surprise.

“I...do not know.” Tip answered numbly. He shook his blue hair as if trying to clear his head of the smoke that often makes one have trouble thinking.

“Maybe…” the young woman before them tipped her head to the other side, a slight frown appearing on her lips and in her eyes. “Maybe...your time in…captivity?...caused you to lose all sense of right and wrong. That would explain the many frozen villages I see in your wake.” Tip’s and Ella’s palms simultaneously reached up to their faces and held them, as if trying to push away a horrendous memory. Suddenly, Ella shook her hand from her face and her eyes flashed. She swooped down in front of the girl and leaned in close to her face.

“Who are you?” she whispered fiercely, hardness cascading through her face, a frown settling fast.

“I am Taiza, nature mage, come to help you see...” That was all she got out before the world went dark.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:09 am
Laure wrote a review...



Hai racket! Happy review day! Laure here for a review, man, this was a long chapter and you choose to write it in different POVs too. Interesting take, this is high fantasy I assume? One that includes fey too, I shall enjoy reviewing this. I'm doing this review on my tablet, do I excuse any mistakes I make.

I really love the descriptions in here, before anything else I must say. Your descriptions about some of these creatures are great, I'd love too draw mother nature, anyways, I will stop gushing.

I'm not going to do much in the technical things because tablets. I really want to focus on your content and writing style too.

Two figures swept across the snow covered mountains, their cloaks waving in the wind.quote]

I'm not sure if swept across is the right description here, writing swept across gives one the imagery one something been swiped over mountains. The same with waving, is not a bad word but you want the word to express the emotion and mood of this piece. From what I can see in the context, waving seems too friendly. Maybe, whipping?

The taller was clearly a young man with a deep, dark blue hair color that was cropped just short enough against his skull to waving slightly in the wind. A bandage clearly covered the whole left side of his head. The other person was harder to make out. The shorter figure could have been either man or woman. They had sea green curls cut short, the length about to the middle of their ears.


I've probably said this in the prologue, but I will mention it here again. Your descriptions are lovely, but sometimes you over-describe a bit and there are some words that can be condensed into short ones.

Hair colour isn't an amount so using an article here wouldn't be grammatically correct. Also, instead of saying, deep, dark blue colour. Deep blue would be more concise and clear, or even if you can be bothered. Search up shades of blue and condense it into one single word. I noticed your use of clearly in this passage twice, avoid the same word twice in such a short amount of text if you can. Clearly doesn't serve much of a function here either, if it wasn't covering his face clearly..then how is it covered? Writing clearly, is a bit like stating the obvious.

See the part I italicized, instead of saying 'they had so and so' trying describing it to us with a movement of that character. If is short and cropped, is it wavy? Does it bounce against her cheeks when she walks? This is, showing and not telling. Which I'm sure you've heard of so many times by now you're probably sick of it. But it is a very important rule.

The snow seemed to collect around them, leaving the young man to the wind as the other person was in the eye of a snow tornado.


Avoid using 'to' because that's a typical telling technique, it makes everything static and third-person. Also, when writing action scenes like this or scenes where something tense is happening. Use words, action words that will bring power to your writing. Instead of saying 'collecting' how about 'trapped', 'suffocate?' This is a good time to search up a thesaurus.

A wave of animals of all kind leaped over the bent nature and raced the direction the trees were pointing.


I liked your descriptions in this paragraph where this sentence was quoted from, is quite tranquil. Though that same wording problem is seen here again.

'A wave of animals of all kinds' You forgot the s at the end of kinds. xD. Anyways, instead of saying 'of all kinds' just write, 'Animals of all kinds leaped over...' Is more precise and not as long-winded.

She wore a gown of soft rainbow, golden hair piled above her hair, and her graceful feet danced their way through the forest. She had green vines with the prettiest little blooms all over the stems wrapped around her, bouquets in her hair, and leaves for jewelry. Humming birds flew after her, fawns fumbled along behind her, and dogs jumped around her legs, wagging their tails with joy. The birds sang the most glorious melodies wherever she went. She, and all around her, was beautiful.


*cues the heavenly music* That descriptions made her sound like she was the Angel of all mankind and animals alike. Which she is I suppose, the description if not a bit cliché was nicely written. I just wanted to comment on avoid starting sentences with the 'she' again and again. Is counterproductive and boring and also, I think you went a bit overboard with her charm and beauty here. She seems a bit too perfect and beautiful now.

A magnificent beast of violet and rose waited for her. It had malicious horns and fangs of pure white with swirls of gold.


See the bold words? They contradict each other. Malicious horns and magnificent beast doesn't quite go together. Instead of malicious, I'm sure there's something more elegant to the horns than malicious. I mean, you described the dragon so beautifully. Malicious horns jarred out.

Something else to be said:

So Taiza appeared out of nowhere, one sentence she wasn't there and the next she was! Maybe she's a magician or has the power of invisibility? I know Taiza is a mage, but where exactly was she. Was she amidst the animals, if so. Foreshadow it because a sudden character appearing out of nowhere is illogical. Even if this is high-fantasy.

“A dangerous time is approaching you. There will be little peace and rest for your soul for a long, long time. You will feel lonely. Be brave.” She walked off into the air.


:D That has got to be the best sentence ever, like Mother Nature just walked off into the air. Just stop and imagine that for a second. *Mother Nature ascending into the air with this pompous air around her*. Ok ok ,I know I'm not funny but you get my point. 'Walked off' isn't the exit we're looking for here. Maybe, disappearing slowly in um...magical mist or something? Something that matches what you've described of her so far, alright. Not walking off.

The green haired person was now recognizable as a girl with very short hair and long, plentiful eyelashes. A single earring hung from the left side of her face, the side that was free of its strange bandage. The man that accompanied her had his bandages large on his face so none of the left side of his face could be seen.


You've already described this earlier in the novel, I mean our memories are bad but is not that bad. You don't need to write this again, jump straight into the action. Speaking of action, whoa. Ice powers. Nice, I like the description you made there but once again. Try blending it into action. Make them do these things instead of describing them.

His eyes looked terrified and glanced around their container. ‘All the villagers and animals in the village are alive!’ he thought, ‘Their souls are contained in their bodies, where they once were free.’ It was a terrifying sight. The man left the window as a pang of familiarity washed over him, making his heart beat faster. He looked down at his boots and trudged away from the frozen village, closing in on the forest where the couple had vanished.


I'm not sure if someone's eyes can look terrified...if they're terrified. They're terrified. So, let me get this right. The guy just saw a whole village frozen with their souls trapped and he turns and leaves... wouldn't he at least explore around and try and see what happened instead of just leaving. You mentioned a pang of familiarity, I won't question as to why it is familiar yet. Perhaps this is hinting at some of his background?

Well, that ending was interesting. If not a bit rushed, it was certainly a cliff-hanger. Not very nice of you to leave me on a cliff-hanger. Let me summarize my review here. I really like the way you describe things, even if they can be a bit long-winded and static. I see a lot of promise in this novel and its plotline, I'm not just saying this make you feel better. I know a piece of work that can be developed into something greater when I see it. Your vocabulary is good and world-building skills isn't bad either. Because your chapter has been spilt into several different POVs, we don't get much of a chance for character development. Even so, I can get a feel of Ella and Tip's personality simply by what they have done to the village. They seem cold-hearted, indifferent however, this seems to be contradicted by their encounter with Taiza. I'm curious.

Overall, great work, there is work to be done but I'm really looking forward to reading your work. Best of luck!

-Laure




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:50 am
Sylar wrote a review...



Hello racket! This is icannothearthings for a short review. It's review day!

So I just read your prologue and reviewed it as well. I thought this was, okay. I'll start off with a few nitpicks:

"The taller was clearly a young man with a deep, dark blue hair color that was cropped just short enough against his skull to waving slightly in the wind. A bandage clearly covered the whole left side of his head." I'm not surprised. Another run-on. I see this too much in your writing! Also, I'm confused as to why you say "The taller was clearly a young man ". What does that mean?

"Two strange linen triangles, one going over the top of their head and the other going around the left side of their head connected in a pin at the center of the back of their head in a feminine fashion." This is not a sentence. If you were to say "Two strange linen triangles, one going over the top of their head and the other going around the left side of their head were connected in a pin at the center of the back of their head in a feminine fashion.", them it would be a sentence. Also, IT'S A RUN-ON!

"The other person had no clear emotion for the cold except that they did not care about it." Great. We don't need to know this. It stops the flow and takes the attention away from the plot itself to this one strange character.

"All the plant life bowed low in the direction called East." Yo don't have to say "the direction called East." I mean, we all know what east is!

"A historic event was about to take place." UGH NO! SHOW NOT TELL, YOU CAN'T JUST SAY "A historic event was about to take place." YOU HAVE TO SHOW IT!

"After hours of relentless race, the races began to stop and finally kneeled low with bent necks towards a gleaming light flowing through the forest." Is this a person? I'm so confused. Who or what are the races?

"The soft glorious light emanating from her swelled through all the dark splotches of the forest not fit for her eyes." You need a comma between "soft" and "glorious".

"She had green vines with the prettiest little blooms all over the stems wrapped around her, bouquets in her hair, and leaves for jewelry." Bouquets of what exactly?

"A magnificent beast of violet and rose waited for her." second time you've used the adjective "magnificent" on this page. Try changing one of them to a different word.

"It was a dragon if there ever was one." You used the same phrase in the prologue. WHAT DOES IT MEAN, IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

"The woman laughed a tinkling laugh then stepped into the air which obliged in lifting her." What kind of a laugh is a "tinkling laugh"?

"I am the fey they call Mother Nature." What's a "fey"? And somehow, I feel like "Fey" should be capitalized.

"She pressed a soft, creamy-white bell into Taiza’s palm." Bell as in "a bell that rings"? Like a jingle bell? I'm so confused.

"Take the clapper- the metallic ball in the bell- out if you need me to do anything drastic or as soon as possible." This line makes no sense. Try taking out "or as soon as possible." and it makes more sense, like this "Take the clapper- the metallic ball in the bell- out if you need me to do anything drastic."

"A young man tapped his way up a mountain side, flurries of snow brushing his deep purple hair." How do you "tap up" something?

"The two figures with the sea-green hair and the deep, dark-blue hair began to descend the final mountain in the mountain pass of Western Anala." I thought only one figure had gren hair. This line is really confusing.

I have a lot more nitpicks, but I'm just going to end it here. I need to keep reviewing :)

Anyway, I think this needs a lot of work. You need to sit and and really start to think about the plot itself, which is boring and confusing. You are writing to describe, not writing to create stories. I suggest that you start to write poetry instead.

Please look this over and try to make this story better.


VIVA LE VERDE AND HAPPY REVIEW DAY FROM ICANNOTHEARTHINGS!!!!!




racket says...


Thank you for this review! You really did nitpick a lot! I agree with most of the nitpicks and the solutions you gave me. To answer your question, "The taller was..." means, of the two people, the taller one was a young man. I realized, after you pointed this out, that the 'races' you were confused about, was instead of saying 'races' meant to say 'animals'. Sometimes I do that. I believe it makes more sense this way, yes? I'll take out the items you said were unnecessary, because, now that I look at it, they all make total sense. I thought bouquets would be obvious. Bouquets tend to be made up of flowers, I've never heard of a bouquet of anything else, but maybe others have. "Tinkling" is a word to describe a sound, like wind chimes or laughs. In this case, 'tinkling' means her laugh was delicate and quiet, but also full of joy. My using 'magnificent' twice on the same page is actually not true, this chapter goes on for about five pages, so it is quite likely that they are on completely different pages. A 'fey' is generally a magical creature not native to the Earth, and they are usually faeries. I looked it up on Wikipedia: their is only the musical bell, yes like a jingle bell. This should not confuse you. You 'tap' up something by walking or jogging quickly up something in a quiet manner. Is the line "The two figures with the sea-green hair and deep, dark-blue hair..." confusing? I thought it would make it easier to visualize that we are talking about the couple, one with sea-green hair and the other with dark-blue hair. You don't even know the plot, especially in the first chapter, so I would prefer you didn't label it as 'boring and confusing'. That is kind of judgmental. If you think you know what the plot is, feel free to tell me so I know how the world perceives my writing. I'm sorry if I sound sensitive in this reply, it's just, I really debated ever publishing this story on YWS in the first place, so encouragement is needed somewhere in a review. Thank you for the wonderful review and you have a happy Review Day as well!!
~Racket



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:56 am
MaryEvans wrote a review...



The beginning is kind of… general. It’s good to have an establishing “shot” of scenery, but get closer, zoom in on characters. Also it seems kind of artificial with the wind and blowing off their hoods, you know kind of like a set up. Just imagine a cheesy commercial and how… well organized it feels. Everything happens at the right moment, wind blows when it has to, hoods fly at the exact same time. Yeah, that kind of thing, not too natural, so I’d look it over, see how it can be improved.

It’s also a bit too… detailed when it comes to appearance, again feels set up, show how they look, but don’t go to the millimetres of the exact length of their hair. You get what I mean.
“The young man was clearly at a discomfort with the cold” show, no need to tell. He pulls up his cloak, wraps it around tighter, he doesn’t like the cold and that becomes obvious through his actions.

And then, suddenly, forests… (I mean the transition is a bit too abrupt since the last scene didn’t really finish. Where were they going? Where did they come from? Who were they? You need to give us more than two people walking before moving on to another scene.)

“After hours of relentless race, the races began to stop” repetition.

And you have the same issue with the “second opening.” It’s too much of a god view. Zoom in sooner, focus on a particular character or action; give the readers something to anchor themselves to. And I mean more than a description. Descriptions are nice but don’t overdo them. Space them up with action.

Does the action need to cut in and out between the different stories? Just tell the first, then the second. We can’t really get immersed in a story when it keeps cutting to something else before it finishes. Or begins for that matter. And don’t introduce too many characters and story lines at the same time. Again doesn’t help with immersion. So yeah, I guess that’s the biggest issue I see.

And as I mentioned above you tend to overelaborate description, and don’t get me wrong description is nice, but you need to get that action in too. So focus, present your characters, stick to them, show what they do, where they get to, wrap up or leave them hanging, and just then move on to something else.

It’s all a matter of how you cut the story up and format it. So you might want to think on that.




racket says...


Thank you so much for reviewing! This is probably one of the best reviews I've ever had. I really appreciate your taking time to give me your opinion, especially because this is my first novel chapter that belongs to a novel I think might get finished. The description is so great because this was originally going to be a manga-a Japanese graphic novel- so you would see the pictures with their great detail. I can see all that's happening in my minds eye just like this is the opening scene of a movie, so that may be why it is so descriptive. Everything you pointed out is really good and I'll try and fix them. Thank you for reviewing and go Salsa Verde!
~Racket



MaryEvans says...


The description is nice. Nothing against it. It just comes across as too fatty because you cut up the stories and present them in pieces (I realize now that I thought about it.) So yeah that would be my biggest concern, formatting. The rest is fine.



racket says...


Thanks!




If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems