Hai racket! Happy review day! Laure here for a review, man, this was a long chapter and you choose to write it in different POVs too. Interesting take, this is high fantasy I assume? One that includes fey too, I shall enjoy reviewing this. I'm doing this review on my tablet, do I excuse any mistakes I make.
I really love the descriptions in here, before anything else I must say. Your descriptions about some of these creatures are great, I'd love too draw mother nature, anyways, I will stop gushing.
I'm not going to do much in the technical things because tablets. I really want to focus on your content and writing style too.
Two figures swept across the snow covered mountains, their cloaks waving in the wind.quote]
I'm not sure if swept across is the right description here, writing swept across gives one the imagery one something been swiped over mountains. The same with waving, is not a bad word but you want the word to express the emotion and mood of this piece. From what I can see in the context, waving seems too friendly. Maybe, whipping?The taller was clearly a young man with a deep, dark blue hair color that was cropped just short enough against his skull to waving slightly in the wind. A bandage clearly covered the whole left side of his head. The other person was harder to make out. The shorter figure could have been either man or woman. They had sea green curls cut short, the length about to the middle of their ears.
I've probably said this in the prologue, but I will mention it here again. Your descriptions are lovely, but sometimes you over-describe a bit and there are some words that can be condensed into short ones.
Hair colour isn't an amount so using an article here wouldn't be grammatically correct. Also, instead of saying, deep, dark blue colour. Deep blue would be more concise and clear, or even if you can be bothered. Search up shades of blue and condense it into one single word. I noticed your use of clearly in this passage twice, avoid the same word twice in such a short amount of text if you can. Clearly doesn't serve much of a function here either, if it wasn't covering his face clearly..then how is it covered? Writing clearly, is a bit like stating the obvious.
See the part I italicized, instead of saying 'they had so and so' trying describing it to us with a movement of that character. If is short and cropped, is it wavy? Does it bounce against her cheeks when she walks? This is, showing and not telling. Which I'm sure you've heard of so many times by now you're probably sick of it. But it is a very important rule.The snow seemed to collect around them, leaving the young man to the wind as the other person was in the eye of a snow tornado.
Avoid using 'to' because that's a typical telling technique, it makes everything static and third-person. Also, when writing action scenes like this or scenes where something tense is happening. Use words, action words that will bring power to your writing. Instead of saying 'collecting' how about 'trapped', 'suffocate?' This is a good time to search up a thesaurus.A wave of animals of all kind leaped over the bent nature and raced the direction the trees were pointing.
I liked your descriptions in this paragraph where this sentence was quoted from, is quite tranquil. Though that same wording problem is seen here again.
'A wave of animals of all kinds' You forgot the s at the end of kinds. xD. Anyways, instead of saying 'of all kinds' just write, 'Animals of all kinds leaped over...' Is more precise and not as long-winded.She wore a gown of soft rainbow, golden hair piled above her hair, and her graceful feet danced their way through the forest. She had green vines with the prettiest little blooms all over the stems wrapped around her, bouquets in her hair, and leaves for jewelry. Humming birds flew after her, fawns fumbled along behind her, and dogs jumped around her legs, wagging their tails with joy. The birds sang the most glorious melodies wherever she went. She, and all around her, was beautiful.
*cues the heavenly music* That descriptions made her sound like she was the Angel of all mankind and animals alike. Which she is I suppose, the description if not a bit cliché was nicely written. I just wanted to comment on avoid starting sentences with the 'she' again and again. Is counterproductive and boring and also, I think you went a bit overboard with her charm and beauty here. She seems a bit too perfect and beautiful now.A magnificent beast of violet and rose waited for her. It had malicious horns and fangs of pure white with swirls of gold.
See the bold words? They contradict each other. Malicious horns and magnificent beast doesn't quite go together. Instead of malicious, I'm sure there's something more elegant to the horns than malicious. I mean, you described the dragon so beautifully. Malicious horns jarred out.
Something else to be said:
So Taiza appeared out of nowhere, one sentence she wasn't there and the next she was! Maybe she's a magician or has the power of invisibility? I know Taiza is a mage, but where exactly was she. Was she amidst the animals, if so. Foreshadow it because a sudden character appearing out of nowhere is illogical. Even if this is high-fantasy.“A dangerous time is approaching you. There will be little peace and rest for your soul for a long, long time. You will feel lonely. Be brave.” She walked off into the air.
That has got to be the best sentence ever, like Mother Nature just walked off into the air. Just stop and imagine that for a second. *Mother Nature ascending into the air with this pompous air around her*. Ok ok ,I know I'm not funny but you get my point. 'Walked off' isn't the exit we're looking for here. Maybe, disappearing slowly in um...magical mist or something? Something that matches what you've described of her so far, alright. Not walking off.The green haired person was now recognizable as a girl with very short hair and long, plentiful eyelashes. A single earring hung from the left side of her face, the side that was free of its strange bandage. The man that accompanied her had his bandages large on his face so none of the left side of his face could be seen.
You've already described this earlier in the novel, I mean our memories are bad but is not that bad. You don't need to write this again, jump straight into the action. Speaking of action, whoa. Ice powers. Nice, I like the description you made there but once again. Try blending it into action. Make them do these things instead of describing them.His eyes looked terrified and glanced around their container. ‘All the villagers and animals in the village are alive!’ he thought, ‘Their souls are contained in their bodies, where they once were free.’ It was a terrifying sight. The man left the window as a pang of familiarity washed over him, making his heart beat faster. He looked down at his boots and trudged away from the frozen village, closing in on the forest where the couple had vanished.
I'm not sure if someone's eyes can look terrified...if they're terrified. They're terrified. So, let me get this right. The guy just saw a whole village frozen with their souls trapped and he turns and leaves... wouldn't he at least explore around and try and see what happened instead of just leaving. You mentioned a pang of familiarity, I won't question as to why it is familiar yet. Perhaps this is hinting at some of his background?
Well, that ending was interesting. If not a bit rushed, it was certainly a cliff-hanger. Not very nice of you to leave me on a cliff-hanger. Let me summarize my review here. I really like the way you describe things, even if they can be a bit long-winded and static. I see a lot of promise in this novel and its plotline, I'm not just saying this make you feel better. I know a piece of work that can be developed into something greater when I see it. Your vocabulary is good and world-building skills isn't bad either. Because your chapter has been spilt into several different POVs, we don't get much of a chance for character development. Even so, I can get a feel of Ella and Tip's personality simply by what they have done to the village. They seem cold-hearted, indifferent however, this seems to be contradicted by their encounter with Taiza. I'm curious.
Overall, great work, there is work to be done but I'm really looking forward to reading your work. Best of luck!
-Laure
Points: 0
Reviews: 172
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