Young Writers Society

Hai! I was actually reviewing your chapter one before quitting that and decided to read your prologue. Well, at least now I know what is going on in chapter one, I want to reinforce what Shadow said as well. I really like the premises of this plot, it really has this classic high fantasy touch to it that aren't seen in contemporary fantasy novels. I'm really looking forward to reading this.

So, next. I will trash your fantasy, no pun intended about prologues. Basically, what I have read this prologue was a massive info dump and world building about your novel. Which is not what prologues are used for. Prologues are used to slot in essential information about the plot that cannot be worrying anywhere else. It is not intended as a world building or info dump platform. I'm pretty sure that all of this information can be revealed throughout the novel, in an archive, during a conversation with someone this could be all easily said. I felt like this was like a very long plot synopsis and introduction to the kingdom rather than a prologue. So, I'm just giving you an insight in what prologues are actually used for. The final decision is of course up to you.

But since I'm already here, I might as well comment on your prologue as well. While reading you first chapter and now your prologue, this became very evident to me. You has a strong tendency to either repeat your words or repeat information. Maybe you're going for an older style of writing, but I'm pretty sure even that won't let information repeat itself. For examples..

'for a many a centuries,' the first article is not needed, nor is the second. Centuries are plural, a is a singular article. The correct way would be for many centuries. I suspect this is an unedited draft which is why I'm not picking out every single mistake.

'NOne were aware. Not for 15 years,' Once again, repeated words. The second none is not needed, because the first none applies to both.

I've only pointed out two, but there are several other cases like is throughout the chapter. Another thing I want to touch on was that, you need to condense your information and shorten it. Because while I was reading this, it was like reading nutritional information off a cereal package. I feel that not all the information is needed here, there are probably some information that can be held back and be answered later.

Also, when writing try and vary your syntax a bit. Avoid sentences that opens with the same word, article or pronoun such as she, they or the.

Last of all, good luck for your future writing, I look forward to hearing from you.

-Laure

Hello racket! This is icannothearthings for a short review. It's review day!

This was a great prologue to what I think will be a great piece. I'll start off with a few nitpicks:

"Long, long ago the world was filled with magic." I think you should put a comma between "ago" and "the" because it adds gives the reader a better way to read, and it actually makes it flow better.

"Dragons lived in peace quietly in the most remote of places." I don't think this sentence flows right. Try taking out the "quietly" so the sentence is "Dragons lived in peace in the most remote of places." Doesn't that sound better?

"Some wanted more; much more. " "Much more" itself isn't exactly a sentence, so you can't use a semi-colon here. Try changing it to a comma, so the sentence is "Some wanted more, much more."

"As a result of this misfortune, all the magic and magical beings on the planet fortunate enough to escape alive from their homelands made their way to the new continent of Anala with a small government which could not control all the new arrivals." This sentence is almost 3 full lines of writing! Try braking it up a bit, because run-on sentences are not something good for interesting writing.

"Time went on and the magic was eventually controlled by the government and the country was eventually prosperous, using magic to its advantage, making it the envy of the other civilizations." There are two things that annoy me about this sentence. One, it's, again, a run-on. Two lines long! And two, you use "eventually" twice. Try to use a different word for one of them.

"One of the neighbors of Anala, the kingdom Tabalt, had become a dark society if there ever was one. " I am so confused by this. Was there ever a "dark society"? I don't know if there was at all. You could just take that out, because it really confuses the reader.

"The people became angry at this and rebelled, but they could do nothing without the numerous mages that had been taken from them, as well as their pets and friends of the magic races." I think you know what I'm going to say about this. It's a bit of a run-on as well.

"A young girl, with a slight trace of magic in her blood that the government wouldn’t ever be able to trace do to its tiny existence, foretold that magic would return to the land with destruction and rebuild the government to the way it once was." You really nee to work on these run-ons in this.

Aside from these nitpicks, I am interested to learn more about this girl and the kingdom of Anala. You have an interesting writing style.

I hope that you brake up those run-on sentences and try to keep up this story! Great job!

VIVA LE VERDE AND HAPPY REVIEW DAY FROM ICANNOTHEARTHINGS!!!!!!!

Hello! My name is Shadowlight and I had the pleasure of reviewing your prologue!

Okay let me start by saying I really like how your style has a flare of "Old Fantasy" Like novels such as Beyond the Summerlands, Narnia, and other such old classics. It's a great style to have and my favorite when reading.

That being said (and here comes the critique part.) This need some heavy revision to make it streamlined and deadly. :3 I am going to assume this is a first draft and will review it as such.

One thing that I think you should really consider is making is MUCH shorter. a lot of what is said in here I'm guessing you could easily work into character dialogue within the actual story. Prologues are good for instantly setting the style, time and place in which the story takes place but a common pitfall is making it much longer then it needs to be.

You need to set the scene and give a BRIEF history if you are going to use a prologue but that's it. you don't and shouldn't overstate names, places, and creatures.

If your story has Dragons, Unicorns, Centaurs then instead of listing those things every time you need to reference them maybe instead say "Fantastical Creatures" Or "Animals of magic"

You set the scene for fantasy right of the bat which is GOOD you need to let your reader KNOW what kind of story it is they are reading, that's great!

You just don't need to overstate names and things so much, say it once maybe twice, but that's it. your reader will remember what Kingdom is that of magic and what is not.

I like the bones of this prologue. it has promise to be very elegant and streamline with some editing.

Good luck!