Falling, falling.
He was dropping from the heavens
He would have flown as he did countless of times.
However, his wings were gone; completely ripped out. His back was now bare, only holding the scars left behind from losing his wings.
He was falling, falling fast. He could see the earth below him now. It was soon going to be his prison, punishment for the wrong he has done.
He crashes into the brown earth, it doesn't hurt.
He stands up straight, scanning the area. Looking around at where he had to spend eternity. It's dark now, no earthly creature present to see his fall. What should I do now, he thinks to himself. He knows he can do whatever he wants, but he feels lost. There is only one thing clouding his thoughts, one person. The reason he had been banished. Why he has to spend eternity here.
His legs begin to move. He is heading straight to this person. He passes more and more creatures. They stare at him as he passes. Most of them hurrying to move out of his way.
Do they notice that he is not one of them, he thinks. Can they see that he is fallen. Can they see how shamed he has become. He stops in a street that has been lit with so many bright lights, it transforms night to day. He stares at his reflection on the glass window of what is called a "clothing store". He sees his once golden hair now turned black as night. He is without clothing from the waist up. His sees his bare chest and the rippling muscles of his torso. But there is a painful absence. The cream feathers that stretched powerfully behind his back are gone. Now, he just stares at the blank space left behind. It is painful to see. He turns away and continues his journey. He knows he is close now. He has been there countless times. Just a few more steps after this street of light. And then soon enough, he sees it.
The little house in the distance. In the day, its colors were white with a brown top. Now at night, it looked grey. There is light coming from the it. He sees movement. He knows it's the person. He feels his legs moving faster, eager. He stops just close enough, just as the moving figure turns. And there the person was, the creature, the reason for his fall. Standing with a vessel in its hands and slowly seeping its content.
Behold, beauty in it's purest form. He is transfixed, enchanted. Her hair like a honey stream pouring endlessly down her back. Her skin flawless and gleaming in the soft light. Her face the perfect proportion, with eyes, nose, mouth, ears, all perfectly set they leave him in complete awe. Her eyes so blue, they would leave the oceans overcome with jealousy. Her beautiful lips that gently kissed the vessel she held in her delicate hands as she slowly drank. She was the fairest of all creatures. The only creature perfected and armed with the power to bring him down. To weaken him and send him crashing, expelled from the heavens. There she stood, so perfect, completely unaware of the power she wields.
She turns suddenly towards him. She sees him standing just outside her window. She recognizes him even with his dark hair. She is not surprised by his presence. It seems almost like she had been expecting him. Like she had been biding her time, awaiting their second encounter. Their first encounter had been the reason for his fall. The reason for his lost wings, the reason for his banishment. But as she takes the vessel from her lips and smiles at him, her eyes gleaming with excitement. He is completely swept away. All his will power completely vanished, the rest of the world going along with it. And in that moment, with her blue eyes gazing at him, and her smile lighting up her whole being, he knew he would do anything for her, he would give up the whole universe for her, for her...for this creature, he would willingly become a fallen angel...
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hey Armydah!
Alright, I'll use these senteces as an example of how you can easily make them look and read better, while removing the choppyness:I should start off with a belated welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy yourself here.
Well, in short, I thought this was an interesting read. The subject matter is most likely what caught my attention enough to read it and give my thoughts on it. Despite being quite a short piece, you tell the moment an angel becomes a fallen one fairly decent. I definately enjoyed it, at least. You brough a good sense of visuals and poetic images into it, which always bring more life into what you write.
However, your short also has quite a few issues here and there. Which might make sense, seeing as it's your first short story.
What I would point out as your biggest problems would be your sentence structure and sentence repetition. The entire piece is made up of small, choppy senteces which could easily be written into longer ones, which in turn would make it easier and more smooth to read. I'll use an example later.
The other issue would be the repetition. Too many of your sentences begin with 'He did this' or 'He did that' etc. Try to mix it up a bit.
Alright, other than this, there's not much more I could say for the overall work.
So I'll just write as I go along:
However, his wings were gone; completely ripped out. His back was now bare, only holding the scars left behind from losing his wings.
Pretty easy tweak, yet it reads a lot better.
Edit
This line also had a grammatical error in it. Albeit a confusing one.
Loosing - The rope is loosing up. (loose)
Losing - I am losing hope. (lose)
Suggestion
Too much repetition.
Edit
The comma stops it from being a run on sentence, but it needs a little more as well.
Edit
Here it could also be neat to just give us his thoughts in italics.
For example:
What should I do now, he thinks to himself.
Edit
Slightly broke the tense here.
Can they see that he has fallen, perhaps?
Edit
Edit
This grammatical error is quite common, but actually quite easy to master once you know them.
It's - It is
Its - Possessive
Edit
Though becoming less and less of a rule, I try to not begin any of my sentences with conjunctions. That would be 'And', 'But', 'or' etc.
I saw a couple of them.
Edit
I'm not sure why you keep referring to it as a 'vessel' though.
I really love how you describe this woman. This line in particular is fantastic.
Again, great line!
You did a lot of things right in these last two paragraphs.
That's nice. However, you said earlier that he had been here countless times tough.
What's up with that?
Alright, that's pretty much all I can comment on in this short. There were a few things I skipped, though only because I had already covered them and they were repetitions.
All in all, I like it. The overall plot is interesting, and though you do have some errors throughout it, you also infuse a lot of great images and poetic descriptions. That's great!
I'm hoping to see more of your writing. Especially short stories, perhaps even the start of a longer story?
Keep it up, Armydah!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hi Birkhoff,
Thanks a lot for the review and helping me point out all the areas that I need to work on. Am pretty new to writing short stories and seem to have a lot of problems with the sentences and the structure. I mostly write poems, but thought of giving short stories a try. However, from all the errors I made, I guess I still have a long way to go.
Thanks a lot for taking your time to review my work, and I really hope you keep on helping me with it and pointing out where I've done wrong.
Best,
Armydah
Hello there! I really enjoyed this piece, especially the beginning. I really liked how you focused on him losing his wings and showing us how his back looked now that his wings are gone. However, I do feel like there were a lot of random little sentences that didn't really serve a purpose, or that could have been joined to another sentence so that it flowed better. I'm not sure how I feel about the ending haha, but all in all it was a great piece. It really reminded me of
a movie I watched called Legion, it's about the fallen angel Michael as I'm guessing this is too. Anyways! Good job and keep writing
Hello, Raven here for a quick review!
I like the story you have. Your MC becoming a fallen angel, I love it. Especially because it's for love...
Just a few nitpicks.
The first line there is no period at the end. Second one has the same problem.
It is not grammatically correct to start a sentence with but or and. However, you can replace 'but' with however. I like the line, by the way.
Using 'wings' twice seems repetitive there. Maybe you could use 'appendages' or 'feathers'. (I am assuming the wings are made out of feathers)
You have a small problem with your tenses, but if you look it over I'm sure you'll spot the inconsistencies.
I like the fact that she has power over him. Power to make him turn.
The description of her face was wonderful!
Keep on typing,
Raven,
Thanks a lot for the review! I would try checking out the tense part as well. Thanks
It’s not a bad story but I think there are some issues that need to be addressed. I might sound a bit too critical, but again the story is good, there are just some nitpicks I want to bring up.
“But his wings are gone. Completely ripped out. His back was now bare. Only holding the scars left behind from loosing his wings.”
1. Try to keep the same type of tense (past) throughout your narrative since you started with it.
2. All these sentences generally say the same thing making the paragraph somewhat redundant. It can be said in less words.
3. A typo: “loosing.”
“He was falling, falling fast. He could see the earth below him now. He was approaching it fast, too fast.”
Again the first and the last sentences are the same. Sometimes it’s good to repeat for dramatic tension but here I don’t think it’s necessary. Try not to be too repetitive.
“His sees his bare chest and the rippling muscles of his torso”
Ok… would that really be the first thing he notices? I mean it’s not exactly from his perspective but still his appearance shouldn’t really be his first concern. Also doesn’t he feel pain? Like none at all? Considering his wings have been ripped off? And how does he know where to find “that person?” Or how to get there from where he had crashed? For all we know he made a crater up in northern Siberia. Also what creatures stare at him in passing? It would be better to show it than just state it.
Awww, he fell for love. It would still be nice to expand on the exact reasons though. Overall it’s a good outline of a story but I feel a lot of points need elaboration. Like his journey, just how long and how torturous was it now that he grows accustomed to having no powers? And the reason for his fall? Did they just kick him out because he cared about a human? Is heaven that…intolerant? The story just leaves too many open questions at the end and you want them to be answered, the narrative complete and closed, so to say.
What a lovely story ^^
I like the idea and the context of it. The pace is steady and I like that ( you could've given more information and details, though , but this is your choice)
I think you do need, however, to pay attention to articles and verb tenses to ensure coherence and a smooth flow. Those two elements will help illustrate a clear image in the reader's mind as well as help them connect emotionally with your hero ^^
Great idea and ending
Keep it up and do your best ^^