Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Narrative


i played you my favorite song

by beforeIforget


we were sprawled on the floor of my slowly emptying room, staring at the ceiling and listening to crowds cheer two streets over for the youth soccer team. it was cold but i liked it that way because when the window was closed i felt like i was suffocating.

i was dragging my fingers up and down your arm, trying to elicit the same shivers in you that i got when you looked at me. it was late and you should have been home by then, but you stayed and let me cry for once. You smelled like grass and wood – you’d been working that day, earlier, and I could see the tired in your smile.

you said, with your smile never reaching your eyes, that I looked tired too. i nodded, tracing circles on your stomach. for a minute i rested my hand over your heart and felt the lazy rhythm, remembering that my heart does the same and when lying side by side we sound like a song for rainy days.

you had your face in my hair and your legs under mine, singing softly in my ear. Your breath was hot and a little wet but it was familiar so I let you continue reciting lyrics because that’s the only thing you get to do now. i was talking about losing my mother’s ring, i think - her wedding ring. silver and gold and carved and gone. it used to glint in the light - it used to be the excuse you had for holding my hand. nowadays it's buried in one of the boxes and you take my hand under the pretense of giving me comfort

(but you’re the one with puppy dog eyes).

when the song started you startled and looked at me. “really?”

yes. really.

you don’t know the words but i do, and i can tell you i love you in three different verses and watch you realize it in the chorus. i can say goodbye in the first line and not have to hear it again until the last word, can remember why i wanted to know you in three minutes and forget it when the notes fade out.

this is the song we listened to when you first met me, hiding in the library stacks. this is the song i learned to sing for you, alone in my room. this is the song you will remember me by, i hope, tears springing to your eyes when it comes on the radio. i hope that one day you are lying down in your college dorm staring at the ceiling with someone else when this song comes on and you will smile because you'll know then what you don’t know now

(that people leave and pack up their things, leaving space in your heart for anyone willing to buy).

if you remember me at midnight, shoot off a quick message.

in the future i will be lying in bed in my slowly emptying room trying not to cry, remembering the night you should have gone home but stayed instead to let me sob into your favorite red shirt, when the room was cold because i didn’t want to suffocate and california was the last golden thing between us.

i lost a dozen things that night but you are forever sealed inside five verses and a lonely melody. sad tunes will always be about this; quiet nights will always be for you.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
240 Reviews


Points: 279
Reviews: 240

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:08 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! Katya Elefant here to review! Let me see what we have here.

The thing that makes me so mad about this piece is that you didn't capitalize anything! Why didn't you? Are you just lazy(sorry for yelling but oh my gosh! XD). I mean you could have at least captialized the beginning of the sentences, let alone the I's! Come on! You can do better than that! Were you typing this on your phone, is that it? XD Also if you have something is parentheses, you should actually put it into the story. Don't make a small note(unless this is 2nd person then that is fine with me) make us figure it out!

this is the song we listened to when you first met me, hiding in the library stacks. this is the song i learned to sing for you, alone in my room. this is the song you will remember me by, i hope, tears springing to your eyes when it comes on the radio. i hope that one day you are lying down in your college dorm staring at the ceiling with someone else when this song comes on and you will smile because you'll know then what you don’t know now
I feel like this part actually could become a poem! Do it! Also when you format this into the story. I feel like you need to make some type of effect to make it stand out!

All in all, you did a great job! I enjoyed this piece and I hope I wasn't too critical on anything. I love the idea of this piece and I am curious did this actually happen? I see narrative for one of the things so I would assume so! Keep writing and Happy Review Day! :D

Image




Wolfare1 says...


Katya, not all poetry has to have capitalization. Grammar doesn't matter in poetry that's why I hate it, and I'm a Grammar Nazi.



AdmiralKat says...


awww. I am just saying that as a suggestion...



User avatar
208 Reviews


Points: 830
Reviews: 208

Donate
Fri Jun 27, 2014 10:06 pm
rhiasofia wrote a review...



Hello, rhia here to review this! I'm not sure if I can come up with much in the way of criticism, cause I really liked this, but I'll try.

we were sprawled on the floor of my slowly emptying room staring at the ceiling listening to crowds cheer two streets over for the youth soccer team.

This one's a little too much of a run-on. I get that this is almost a stream of conciousness prose style, and like that, but I think this needs to be a bit smoother. My advice is simply to add a comma after "slowly emptying room" and an "and" between "ceiling" and "listening".

trying to elicit the same shivers i got when you looked at me.

Here, I think you need to clarify whether you're trying to elicit shivers from the SO in this piece, or you're trying to give yourself shivers. It's a little difficult to discern.

nowadays its buried in one of the boxes and you take my hand under the pretense of giving me comfort

"its" here should be "it's"

i hope that one day you are lying down in your college dorm staring at the ceiling with someone else when this song comes on and you smile because you know then what you don’t know now

a little subject-verb disagreement here at the end. It should read "you will smile because *you'll/you will* know then..."

if you remember me at midnight shoot off a quick message.

You should really have a comma between midnight and shoot.

Otherwise, I think this is gorgeous. It made me feel, I don't know, it just made me feel something big, and sad, but good. You packed so much into it. There was so much meaning behind this one song, even though I knew nothing about the song itself. Which, by the way, is perfect, because it allowed me to relate every song I've ever felt defined every relationship I've ever had, which really brought me into it. This is kind of odd, but the way this poem ended allowed me to feel some forgiveness almost, for past flames. It almost made me look at them in a different light, not bitter, but kind, because of your attitude. And I'm not really sure how you managed that, but I'm pretty sure that's pretty special that your writing allowed me to come to terms with some of my own problems. So, thank you for sharing it, and keep writing!






thanks so much rhia! i really appreciate your comments, and the crits too 'cause you caught some things i never would have caught myself. ^__^

and it really touches my heart to hear you say that you relate to it and that it even helped you in some way because i originally wrote it about my move in the middle of the year, and i didn't really expect anyone to get it. so, thank you!! xx



User avatar


Points: 763
Reviews: 4

Donate
Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:38 am
beforeIforget says...







The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller