The vicious, untamed wolves spotted a innocent deer with little hesitation they began their game of chase. The deer ran for its life, hoping to somehow escape from being the wolves next meal but the wolves where not out to eat, they where out to play. The poor deer was nearly out of breath but the wolves were not even close to being finished with this game, they wanted more, the deer collapsed in exhaustion and was prepared to be killed, closing its eyes trying to avoid seeing the face off its terrifying killer. Unfortunately for the deer, they had made it quite clear that they where out to play, not eat, the wolves bit the poor deer's weak body, but not deeply, they bit it enough for the deer to feel pain but not to die. The deer realized that if it did not kill itself its death would be in slowly and painfully, it got up rapidly and ran off the edge of the hill and fell to its death, the wolves where infuriated but the deer died smiling.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm....well that was not the kind of story I was expecting to run into here, its certainly not an idea that I have ever seen or considered before, and well right off the bat this reminds me of some sort of fable perhaps, cause I don't think this is even remotely realistic in real life at any rate, soo...its not clear which of the two you intended this to be, so if you intend to this be to something that sort of happened in a way that's true to real life, then well...this is really hard to believe.
At any rate, as far as perhaps a fable goes, it doesn't really have any kind of good moral advice, it just seems like a really dark way for things to happen cause ultimately no one is the winner in this scenario, everyone's lost something, but the deer especially has lost something a bit more valuable than most things...and all for nothing really in the end. It just seems like a general sad ending where the deer dies his own way I suppose which kind of makes some sense in a story about some imprisoned war prisoners or something but for a deer and wolves...uhh..I don't know...unless of course you meant things metaphorically somehow and maybe this is an analogy for something like a injured soldier being chased by the enemy and he choses his own means of death rather than torture...that's really the only way I see this is as a properly executed story, otherwise it just kinda doesn't seem to make a lot of sense this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very dark....
I have no idea why, but that's funny! I really liked it, my question is, if the deer was that intelegent, why didn't it find some herbs and cure itself? Just putting it out there. I liked the story itself, and I hate looking for errors when I'm enjoying a story. I think I know what hapened next though. Either the wolf eats the deer anyway, or the crows and vultures eat it.
~Kelpies
Hello Wolves, Wolfare here for a review.
So this is a very... interesting piece. One problem I notice a lot is run-on sentences. I'm pretty sure most, if not all, of these are run-ons or comma splices (a run-on sentence where there is a comma where a period is usually needed.) Here's the first sentence:
Extra Error: 'a innocent deer' should be 'an innocent deer'.
Anyways, without the period between 'innocent deer' and 'with little hesitation', it is doesn't flow and just seems odd. Be very careful throughout this to make sure you don't have run-ons.
There are also tons of missing commas (and some commas that shouldn't be there, instead should be replaced with periods.) Just remember that every time that a compound sentence is made, there is a comma before he conjunction (saw this problem in quite a few areas).
Finally, I don't find this really realistic, at all actually. First off, wolves aren't really the type if animal that would 'play' with their food. They're not really people, and they are driven by their instincts and knowledge to survive. Sure the pups will tussle, but the adults really are more mature than that.
Secondly, the deer wouldn't collapse that quickly, if anything, the wolves would catch up to it when it starts becoming tired, there would be no chance for it slow down and pass out. Also, like mentioned previously, this is a little rushed. There is a lot that can be expanded on, for example (say the wolves were bent on 'playing') why? What made them so driven to do this? Details are important.
Also, this lacked quite a bit of descriptions. What did the surrounding area look like? Did the deer know there was a cliff there (if so, why would it go there, since of course it would get cornered and die?) Descriptions and details are super important, so always remember the saying show, don't tell.
I think your idea is pretty unique, since I don't think I've ever heard of a deer willingly jumping off a cliff. This is a nice start, so hopefully you'll expand on this. (Sorry if this sounded a bit harsh) Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hello! very good job! i like the message and overall story. i would have made it clearer with the sentence structure so you can tell where one sentence ends and the other begins because sometimes you use or don't use commas. you sometimes have a few run-on sentences. i like your descriptions but i would have liked to see a little more, perhaps more of the deer's inner thoughts or the wolves. overall very good story. nice job. i see you just joined, hope your enjoying it cant wait to see more of your stuff.
Hello Wolves! Night here for a short review!
First off, welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here.
Alright. So I'm going to be pretty blunt with you here: This story needs a lot of work. You have an interesting idea for a plot, but grammatical errors, redundant statements, and not enough description made it very difficult to enjoy. For example, in the very first sentence:
Problems:
I think the reader assumes that the wolves are untamed, so I do not believe that adjective is required, and frankly broke up the flow for me.
There needs to be a comma or a period before and after .
There are many instances like this, in which words are unnecessary, more description is required, or simple grammatical errors. I am not going to go through every single error, but if you want me to you can PM me.
I would suggest you focus on expanding the characters of both sides, predator and prey. What is the deer thinking as it dies? Why are the wolves being so cruel? Do wolves play with their prey in reality? Etc.
Overall, I think you have an okay backbone for a better story. If you would like more specific feedback, don't be afraid to shoot me a message.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~NC