I dreamt about a boy that night. He wore a mask. It was pure white similar to freshly fallen snow on the street and it covered the entirety of his face.
I remember wondering how he kept it as white as it was because of the dirty clothes he wore.
He was a skinny, slender figure with a calm demeanor. He sat on the window sill with one leg dangling over each edge and his back against the frame. His dark clothing reminded me of the ocean at night and it clashed with the colors of innocent pinks and lavenders. Just like the ocean, this boy was unknown. He was undiscovered. This boy intrigued me.
He hummed a peaceful tune as the soft breeze gently disturbed his white-blonde hair and filled my room with his scent of freshly picked blueberries.
I analyzed the boy as he watched critically the suburbs under us.
I drifted off to sleep slowly, and just at ease as this boy seemed to be.
-
The morning after, I read my words on a crumpled piece of paper describing the pleasant dream I had. My handwriting was a young child's compared to the neatness I attempt in school.
I decided it was written in the middle of the night so as not to forget it. Even though I didn't remember writing it, I'm glad I did.
I put the script on my nightstand and dragged myself into the bathroom at the end of the cold hallway.
My shower was quick and my hair even quicker. I put it in a messy bun on top of my head.
I chose an outfit with conflicting thoughts and slipped out the warm clothes, a sweater, jeans and beautiful boots that I replaced the shoe laces with velvet ribbons.
My bag had been packed the night before and I pulled it over my shoulders. I wrapped my scarf around my feminine frame and its familiar qualities reminded me of a security blanket. I wore it enough to consider it one.
I pulled out my phone on the way to school and plugged the earbuds into the jack with a satisfying click. It was pleasantly cold in the fall here where I lived in Southern California and I instantly wished I had made tea. The morning was quiet, only disturbed by my footsteps on the pavement beneath me, almost like I curious puppy's. Despite the stillness of the upcoming day, I could've sworn someone was humming a song I loved.
-
The school day was tedious and dragged on forever only with the hope that immature drama would cease to exist added to tonight's homework.
I was a freshmen at the large high school I attended. I had a best friend a year older and acquaintances in every grade, which most seemed like untamed children compared to myself. However, none of these friends felt true.
I didn't have a boyfriend, but I heard the juniors loved me. If I said I minded, I would've been lying, but honestly none of these boys felt true either.
Online, there were reposts on my statuses, likes on my pictures and an even larger population of followers. I didn't mind these dedicated fans either, but were they true?
Maybe it was selfish for me to think this way.
Someday I would find somebody true, but for now, I wondered to myself what I would have for dinner as I entered my seemingly abandoned home, draping my scarf and bag over a dusty chair in the living room. It was only ever used just as much as the guest room. My mother was rarely seen out of her room. My aunt takes care of her but leaves before I come home from school. I tried to remember the last family meal I had and was suddenly envious of the people that surrounded me on a daily basis.
My bitter thought process was interrupted by my phone notifying me of a message cheerfully.
A friend was inviting me to her home with some classmates I didn't know too well and with much hesitation, I accepted.
Up in my room, I clumsily tripped over my clothing as I stripped and changed into something new.
I stared into the mirror on my closet door, arranging the sandy brown hair over my delicate frame. I saw a girl. She was average height and skinny. I saw a sloped nose, freckles and straight teeth. I saw pretty hazel eyes and the complexion resembling that of a porcelain doll's.
I felt like everybody's dream, and I wasn't unhappy about it. I was above average according to physical genes, but was that all anybody ever felt?
With that thought, I read tonight's comments on my photos with my friends before they were posted, "Rosalind, you're so beautiful."
People liked to feel what they saw.
They liked to dream what they were feeling.
What did I feel if I was dreaming about a boy in a mask?
I wrote a note that would never be read and placed it on the kitchen counter. As I pulled on my scarf on the way out the door, I thought maybe my senses were as screwed as everybody else's.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
First off, you might want to separate this into paragraphs, seeing as it would be easier to read and would make for a better format.
I like your writing style for this particular story; Rosalind seems the type to question everything, an intelligent person, and so the way you wrote this is really good, like a bit above the intellect of everyone else.
"His dark clothing reminded me of the ocean at night and it clashed with the colors of innocent pinks and lavenders."
This sentence was a bit confusing, and I'm not sure what you were trying to say with the lavenders and pinks bit.
"My shower was quick and my hair even quicker. I put it in a messy bun on top of my head. I chose an outfit with conflicting thoughts and slipped out the warm clothes, a sweater, jeans and beautiful boots that I replaced the shoe laces with velvet ribbons."
The sentence about the shower and doing her hair was a bit awkward; maybe try something like, "The time it took to shower went quickly, and the time I spent on my hair went even more quickly."
"The morning was quiet, only disturbed by my footsteps on the pavement beneath me, almost like I curious puppy's."
The 'I' should be 'a.'
"I was a freshmen at the large high school I attended. I had a best friend a year older and acquaintances in every grade, which most seemed like untamed children compared to myself."
The second sentence is a bit awkward; you might want to change it to say: 'I had a best friend a year older and acquaintances in every grade, most of which seemed like untamed children compared to myself.'
"My bitter thought process was interrupted by my phone notifying me of a message cheerfully."
You might want to switch this around to say: "My bitter thought process was interrupted by my phone cheerfully notifying me of a message."
"With that thought, I read tonight's comments on my photos with my friends before they were posted, "Rosalind, you're so beautiful.""
I'm also not sure what you meant by 'I read tonight's comments on my photos with my friends before they were posted.' Does she send her pictures to her friends before she posts them to see if they looked good? Please clear this up; I'm a bit confused.
"As I pulled on my scarf on the way out the door, I thought maybe my senses were as screwed as everybody else's."
What do you mean by "senses"? Like, taste, touch, etc., or something else? Might want to clear that part up.
Other than that, this was really good! I can't wait to see what else you come up with.
Keep writing!
~liveandbreathewords
Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Well, if you have access to another device then try to add paragraphs.
Hello Nekomimi, Wolf here for a review.
I will start off with a little technical thing. I do notice that no paragraphs are used. So a new paragraph should be started either when a new topic is starting to be written about or new dialogue is started. So I would recommend to go through and look for those breaks for when a new paragraph can be started.
Throughout most of it, I was fairly confused. To be honest, it skips around a lot. First she's going to school, then she's already home? I didn't even know that a time skip was taking place. What I recommend you do is that every time you insert a time skip, three asterisks are put on the next line, like so:
* * *
It makes it easier to distinguish when one is happening really abruptly. Or there can be some kind of translation sentence (if there was one and I didn't notice, I am truly sorry on rambling about this.) Maybe one such as:
"The school day dragged on, and when it was finally over, I happily sped out of class and began the walk home."
Something like that (that may not be the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean.)
ADDITION: Okay, so I reread this and did notice the transition, though it was drowned out by a large info dump. By the time the information was finished being told, I had completely forgotten that the school day had ended. Try to present this information by showing us, not telling us. Maybe recount some events in the school day and slip this information I there.
Onto nitpicks:
Two things:
1.) This spot is a little choppy, so I would advise to combine these two sentences into just one sentence.
2.) I notice that there are a lot of missing commas, though I will spare you the comma spiel. I will mention though, to be careful of comma splices (a run-on sentence that just has a comma in it) and make sure to add a comma before the conjunction of a compound sentence (which is missing here.)
The 'was' should be 'had'.
I found this quite random, since there was nothing mentioned of 'pinks and lavenders' before this sentence. It just kind of sticks out like a sore thumb.
I don't understand how hair can be quicker. I think a word was left out.
This also felt like an awkwardly worded sentence, the last part in particular. I kept thinking that she took off all her warm clothes, even though it was Winter. Also, the comma should be a semicolon.
'I' should be 'a'.
I must say, nice job! I did really like this, and you had really pretty figurative language and imagery. Other than some spots that abruptly switched time, I thought it flowed nicely, and I really like this vague, mystery boy you've created. Just fix this up a little, and it will be really nice (just be very careful not to dump all this information onto the reader. Show, not tell). Hope to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thank you so much c: I wrote this on my phone (that does not let me put it in paragraphs when posting) so there were going to be a lot of technical errors as is, but thank you so much. I will work on it :3 Your review is greatly appreciated.
This is beautiful. It's just sounds so wonderfully romantic and uses wonderful descriptive language. It has a wonderful fluency to it, and your word choice is excellent.
On that note, i must say something else. Please do not be offended by this, but where are your paragraphs? You cannot just have a giant block of text. You need to make it easy and appealing to the eye. It looks like a lot more than it is when you do not break it into paragraphs.
Another thing that i liked is how you connected some of your metaphors and similes. It really just made the entire thing much smoother.
Sorry for such a brief review. I may revisit this. I definitely can't wait to read more!
My phone is really lame and doesn't like to let me put it into paragraphs. Trust me, it bothers me to haha. But thank you c:
Hey, I totally think we should write something together. I really like how descriptive you are, and I think you do a really good job of creating vivid imagery. You also have really cool similes and metaphors. My only thing is, I didn't really see the plot moving. Sure, you did a good job describing the gentleman, but I don't really know anything else other than what he looked like. What was relationship with the girl? Did he love her? Did he want to kill her? And then for the girl, it felt as if she really didn't have any feelings toward him. It just felt like he made her nervous and she thought he was a weirdo. Define their relationship towards one another, and then I think this piece will be amazeballs.
Alright sounds good c: Thank you so much. I'll put some connections in there.