Young Writers Society

Hi. Dogsrule5 here to review.

This was really good and really cool. I didn't see any mistakes, even though it was on Youtube, I still didn't see any mistakes. Good work.

This was really good, it was awesome, like really cool. It was awesome.






IT WAS

A FOR AMAZING
W FOR WONDERFUL
E FOR EXCITING
S FOR SOMETHING
O FOR I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING FOR O SORRY.
M FOR MAJESTIC
E FRO EXOCTIC.

WOO YOU KEEP WRITING,
Love,
Dogsrule5

I watched this, and my heart just sank when i read it. It has fantastic meaning to it. I like how you put it as a video. I think that it makes the poem come alive more.

Hi LunaClipse,

First off I'd like to say that I think you did a good job with the rhymes in this poem. They're there, but they are not overbearing, which is really nice. I especially like that you're comfortable enough with it to use slant rhyme like "so" and "alone" which is a difficult rhyme to pick out, but they both have the "o" sound in the last syllable, which makes them at least slant. You did a nice job with the metaphor following all the way through. Actually your metaphor is so convincing, it's kind of hard to pick up on the depression part of it.

I think the poem could be stronger if you focused on editing a few things.

First, I'd just like to say a quick note about reading poetry. The standard for reading a poem is to read through the lines. This means when you have the lines like "you can do it
this you will find
don't let the others change your mind." where you don't have any punctuation at the start, you read it all the way through with no pause. Pausing just because it is the end of the line is a bad thing when reading other people's poetry or I wouldn't say anything. If you want people to pause at the end of each line, then pause them with a comma. Because of this if we were to write out the poem, and both read it, I would read it a lot different than you.

To change this I would suggest listening to the recording with a blank transcript of the poem [no caps, no line breaks, no punctuation] and listen to how you read it. Add the punctuation as you pause, stop, and breathe.

If this doesn't really work out, well, it was worth a shot, right? I will suggest in future videos you put the sections up in stanzas instead of lines. This will not only allow us to absorb the words as you read them, but make it appear as though you're reading them slower, and reading more words because of it. As it is your video seems rather choppy because of how quickly you go through a good majority of the lines. If you slow that down by putting up stanzas, you'll get a better video. Aside form the speed at which you read through the lines, which could stand to be slower, the video is really good! I really liked the background, the fading, and how you transitioned.

Overall, good job! I hope to see more posts by you. Next time it would be really helpful if you put up the link, and then the "lyrics" so to speak, in the submitted work.

That will give us the option to listen, but if people cannot listen to things on their computer at the moment, they can still review.
-Aley

Hello Luna! Retro here for a review

Your poem is gramatically correct and everything so I won't be quoting on anything actually within your poem, instead I want to make a few suggestions.

You have this great idea of addressing a soldier and what not, which is really good but i feel like it needs two things; imagery and more.

The poem is relatively short but you could make this so much more powerful by writing more. Your last line tells us to let the soldiers go,but you haven't really given the reader (for example a government official) a reason to. Why not tell us more about the trial and tribulations they must go through. They sleep under blistering moons which do care for their families at home. Just little things like that could make the poem so much more powerful. Which leads me onto my next point, imagery. Your poem is a bit flat, but you set yourself up for great things. For example when you mention scars you could describe them and i'm sure it would blow us all away and make the hitting hard point of the poem that much stronger!

That being said it isn't a bad attempt. It is a really good starting point, and with a little bit of work i'm sure it would absolutely fantastic. Because all the foundations are there it just needs a little work on top of them

I'm here if you need me,
keep it up,
~Retro

Hey Luna! Instead of posting just the youtube link, I suggest you post the poem itself then link to the youtube video. It's a hassle for the reviewer to constantly be switching tabs to review this, so you're bound to get more reviews if you post the work itself.