John's Quest~Chapter One

by r4p17

Published June 9, 2014

E - Everyone

In John's Quest

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John walked around the carpet ball table and began setting his balls up in the same way he always did. It seemed that no one could beat him for every ball his opponent knocked it he could knock in two or three. Even good throwers lost to him. The little boy standing across from him had a determined look on his pooched out cheeks. He picked up the white ball and threw it at the left wall. Missed! So typical isn't it. John slowly pick up the ball and rolled in softly at the balls the little boy had set up. One ball collided into another from the impact of the white ball knocking it in. That was easy enough.

"I am gonna beat you!" The little boy said picking the ball up and throwing it. A ball went in.

John chuckled inwardly at the boy. John knocked two more balls in on his next throw. The boy threw and again missed John missed too but he remained calm. However the boy knocked in another ball. Shoot! I better knock his balls out quickly. John knocked in two more. Only one more left. The boy sighed in frustration and threw the ball erratically. John threw the ball and missed. Argh! The boy missed again. Yes! John finally hit the last ball in. But the was one more shot to go. Two more boy walked up and stood looking down at the remaining balls. The boy hit one ball in on the mercy shot. John anxiously picked up the ball and rolled in back to the boy. I know he'll miss this one! The boy was either too anxious or he was distracted by the audience or he was anxious, because he missed on the next shot.

"I call winner." one of the boys who was standing by said as the other one began setting up.

"No." John said, stepping aside to let the other boy play. "It's boring winning all the time."

The boy merely shrugged. That was perfectly fine with him. This way he got to play against his friend. John just walked away heading toward his bunkhouse, Algonquin. When he arrived no one was there. He climbed up into his top bunk and chilled out. This is the life! As time passed on John began wishing he had something exciting to do that involved adventure. Camp is fun but I wish I could...i don't know. I wish I was back home so I could read. But with time he became drowsy and fell asleep...

———

When john awoke he felt clean and refreshed. But he couldn't figure out where he was. Right next to him there a bubbling spring. The trees around him seemed too vivid to be real. The fragrance of the flowers astounded him. All around him he could hear the chirping of birds. A hawk soared above him. John looked around him and saw a path across the stream leading into a lush dense deciduous forest. This is too lovely to be real. Where am I? What is happening? I am really confused. Behind him John heard a rustling. He spun round instinctively sinking into a crouching position grabbing the hilt of his dagger. Wait! I have a dagger? This is impossible. I must be dreaming!

The rustling had by now died down. It was likely only some chipmunk scurrying from one tree to the next. But John wasn't too sure. He picked up a canteen and a bag he found sitting next to him when he woke and leaped across the stream with the help of a staff he found lying on the ground. He headed off the path and through a large patch of ferns, which seemed to dominate that quarter of the woods. He found no signs of the ground being disturbed.

All of a sudden he noticed his clothing was different. Wait a second! This isn't what I was wearing when I fell asleep. These are tights. And this is a brown, deerskin, jerkin. This must be some medieval place, like I have read about. At that moment John's confidence grew and he moved on. The forest was as vibrant as ever!

After going about a hundred yards joined the path. Looking up at the sun, John made the conclusion that the path lead northeast. I wonder how large the forest is. By the look of it, this path is used frequently. I hop there aren't any bandits wandering around in these woods. With that thought he griped his staff tightly and kept a sharp lookout, especially in the underbrush.

After about five minutes he came to a clearing in the forest. In was enclosed by a fence. In it a couple of horses ranged freely, eating grass. The owner of the horses was no where in sight. John looked all around by saw nothing. He decided the best thing he could do in the middle of a forest was to climb a tree and get a view of the surrounding country.

Within a matter of minutes he identified the trees with the lowest branches and selected one of them. I was a maple, a little taller than those around it. Once John had pulled himself up onto the first branch, the way became a little easier. Soon he was over half way to the top.

When he reached the top he had a commanding view of the forest. To the west the forest ran into a river and stopped. To the south it extended for miles. To the east about a league or two the wood met a plain. But what caught John's eye the most was a mountain range to the north shrouded in smoke, coming from a chimney! Why...there must be a cabin of some sort mile or two away by the look of it. Maybe the man there knows who owns the horse pasture. Maybe he himself in the owner! But should I look for him?

John decided that he could probably handle the man should he turn out to be an opponent. It was as if John had more strength in this world than he did back on earth. That is if he was in another world or...dimension. On earth he normally would have needed to rest for a minute or two about halfway up. But here it was a piece of cake! So after another minute of looking around at the awing surrounds, he descended to the forest floor.

John skirted round the horse pasture and continued north in the direct ion where he thought he had seen the smoke. In the process he was forced to go off the main path and follow a foot path most likely made by some hunter, or even the owner of the cabin himself. Once of the path john continued to remain alert for any signs of danger. Well, now at least, this is anything but boring. In fact, this is the most excitement I have had since I beat "Ocarina of Time"!

In the distance John thought he had seen a flash of red. It might only be a robin or a cardinal. However he thought he could smell smoke. John griped his staff and mentally prepared himself for what lay ahead. Okay! Just stay calm. If I act friendly the man will probably like me. He probably hasn't seen anyone in months and will be glad to have some company. But what if he isn't? What if he hates strangers. He might even hate children! Don't silly. Of course he will like children! Look just don't worry. Everything will turn out fine.

"Hello." a smooth, deep, friendly voice said behind John who let out a frightened yell began running. "Wait. Come back here, friend. I need to have a nice talk with you. I won't hurt you."

John paid not heed to the man but only ran until suddenly he fell as if stricken. After that he didn't remember anything.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
JayeCShore
Review
JayeCShore wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi, J.C. here for a review!

John walked around the carpet ball table and began setting his balls up in the same way he always did. It seemed that no one could beat him for every ball his opponent knocked it he could knock in two or three. Even good throwers lost to him.


You use words like "he" and "him" and such a lot. And you also repeat the same words or concepts continually, such as "ball." This reflects badly on your work because it speaks of inelegant writing and a slight vocabulary, which is never a good thing.

Also, it's a common problem writers have, but writing in the "he did this...he did this...he did this" fashion is not only boring, but bad writing. No offense, but anyone can make a list of actions and mash them together to make a story. In fact, most people do.

And one more thing. This game doesn't sound like anything I've heard of before, and even if it was, it's always a good idea to be sure the reader understands the subject matter. What is this game? How is it played? What are the pieces? Those sorts of things are very important.

John slowly pick up the ball and rolled in softly at the balls the little boy had set up.


This is a perfect opportunity to quickly and efficiently establish elegance and character profiling. Rather than saying, "John slowly picked up the ball and rolled it softly..." which has little meaning, you might try something such as, "John coolly picked up the ball and adeptly rolled it..." With just a few word changes, you can alter the writing to explain much, without explaining anything. With the first way, we just know what's happening. With the second way, we know what's happening, and we learn that John is surely more than an amateur at the game, and has good composure.

Hope this helped :D

Thank you r4p17!

- JC -


#TheFaultInOurReviews

User avatar
Kelpies
Comment
Kelpies commented Comment · Jun 26, 2014

I like it! It's like what I used to write. I only have a couple nitpicks, so please bear with me.


Minor capitalization error:
"I wish I could...i don't know." on the I.
Grammar error:
"there a bubbling" There was a bubbling?
Typo:
"I hop there" I hope there?
"Don't silly." Don't be silly?
"no where in sight" nowhere in sight?
"I was a maple" It was a maple?
"direct ion" direction?
"paid not heed" paid no heed?
One minor complaint, you alternate the words "John" and "I" in a way that is really confusing.

On the whole, it's a nice piece. I look forward to reading more.

~Kelpies

r4p17 replied · Jun 26, 2014

Thanks for the review. I assume you accidentally posted it as a comment and then reposted it a as review? I will work on the typos by the way

No actually, it just posted it twice! It's really annoying when stuff like that happens!

User avatar
Kelpies
Review
Kelpies wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2014

I like it! It's like what I used to write. I only have a couple nitpicks, so please bear with me.


Minor capitalization error:
"I wish I could...i don't know." on the I.
Grammar error:
"there a bubbling" There was a bubbling?
Typo:
"I hop there" I hope there?
"Don't silly." Don't be silly?
"no where in sight" nowhere in sight?
"I was a maple" It was a maple?
"direct ion" direction?
"paid not heed" paid no heed?
One minor complaint, you alternate the words "John" and "I" in a way that is really confusing.

On the whole, it's a nice piece. I look forward to reading more.

~Kelpies

r4p17 replied · Jun 26, 2014

The "I" was probably used in thoughts. YWS likes to take away my italics.

I understand.



The only distinction that makes one a hero is constantly fighting back your villain arc.
— RangerofIthilien