Wordsworth lays in sadness beneath the dying earth,
'Cause surely he sees the gash in the skies.
In anger and disgust, he lets out a sad breath,
And for the murder of his beloved earth he cries.
I see what it is you see,
And yes, I hear what it is you hear.
We both know of the gradual slaughter of the sea
Through the century, decade, and the year.
I hear the creatures of the sea cry out for salvation,
I see mother nature swallow things up in a deep fury,
I hear the sea mourning its destruction,
I see the pathetic state of the earth with deep misery.
While Triton cries for the redemption of his song,
I scream for earth to be left to live long
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Happy review day!
So this was pretty intense but to be honest, I had no idea what it was about until the seventh line down. And I still don't know who Cheng is or why this narrator is writing a letter to him/her.
So I'll review what I do know.
Rhyme
This seems almost Tolkeiny if you ask me! Which means I love it! It has a dramatic flare that caught me, and drew me in. When I started reading it, I couldn't stop. The rhyming is beautiful, and well...Just plain beautiful.
Keep up the great work and make sure to review more!
Hello,
My name's Aley and I'm here to help ^^
First off I'd like to say that you did a really good job of hiding the rhyme. There as a nice heavy use of repetition which helped take away from the rhymes enough that this was easy to read. At the same time, you also had internal rhyme like "Wordsworth" and "earth." This makes it a pleasure to read.
Now you say you were trying to do a Shakespearean Sonnet? I'm highly familiar with structures, and I double checked just to make sure. Sonnets, of any kind, need some key things. The first thing you have spot on, the rhyme scheme. The Shakespearean Sonnet is abab cdcd efef gg, or three quatrains and a couplet. Shakespearean Sonnets also require Iambic Pentameter though. This means all of your lines have to be ten syllables long, and have a da DUM beat to them. Your poem isn't like that. I'll leave this here for you to check out later: How-To: Iambic Pentameter
If we take the first line, we get this:
DUMda DUM da DUMda daDUM da DUMda Dum
The first problem is that this is twelve syllables. The next problem is it starts out in a torchiac [DUM da] beat instead of an iambic [da DUM] beat. [more on the terminology I'll be using: Secret Treasures in Poetic Devices ]
There are a few quick ways to fix this, first, know what typcal beats are for words. For instance, most of the time a noun will have a stressed beat. Pronouns also typically have stressed beats. Prepositions [of, in] and determiners [the, a] typically have unstressed beats. Adjectives are up in the air. Most of the time if you get a word with multiple syllables, at least one of the syllables will be stressed.
How to tell if a syllable is stressed or unstressed is basically listening to yourself read it. Read it naturally if you can, and listen for what sounds are longer, louder, or which ones you have more force with.
So here is another tip: Don't stack things up like "of the" "it is" and "and the" or "out for." These things are going to be two unstressed beats most of the time.
Another hint with stresses, is most of the time a verb will be stressed, although it's not a solid concrete rule, like any of these, just possible ways to help get going the right direction.
I'm not sure I really have anything else to say. I liked the way you used the rhyme, and how well you hid it. I think you've got a good idea here. You just need to work on the IP if you want to really make it a sonnet. ^^
Good luck! I'm glad to see someone else doing structured poetry.
Hello and welcome to YWS! I'm Retro and shall review your poem
First i'll do some nitpick suggestions, then talk about what I liked, okay?
The first thing is format. You use a rhyme scheme so this already has natural breaks. And the idea shits with each bit of rhyme so I would put this into stanzas. Just so it naturally flows better 
Also the end. For the most part you use abab but the end you do abacc and it breaks away from your scheme. If you're going to use a rhyme scheme it is very important to be consistent throughout the piece so i'd suggest a rework to make sure it fits and have ababc for the ending (if that needs further clarity then let me know!)
"Cause surely he sees the gash in the skies."
You need a ' at the front of Cause
'I see mother nature swallow things up in deep fury'
i'd say 'in a deep fury' I think it would help the flow
That's it for nitpicks! overall this is a pretty good piece! You have some nice ideas, and it is well written. The rhyme scheme doesn't feel too forced which is good. You have nice imagery, I particually like slaughter of the sea. So yeah not bad at all, i'm sure it will be great with a little work
Keep up the good work,
message me for anything!
~Retro
The fourteen lines of the poem can't be broken into stanzas, and it has to follow the a-b-a-b, c-d-c-d, e-f-e-f and then g-g rhyme scheme. I hope you see what I was trying to achieve Thanks!
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