z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapters 1 through 3

by Mynameswriter


This is chapters 1,2, and 3 of a story i don't have a title for yet so please criticize and give me ideas for names. Thanks!

Chapter 1 Specialty

I drop the stone I found. It plummets down for what feels like forever, as so my hope. I had hoped it would fall short, I had hoped that I would be able to do it. But no I left them, I left that life. Now I realize how stupid I was. I want that life, my life back. My Lynx, Baco, I was able to understand him. Not hear his strange sounds, now sounding foreign. I sat there and started to cry. Baco rubbed his head on my arm then licked my hand. His crystal blue eyes looked up at me and he screeched again. He could’ve been saying lets go home but I said “okay lets go find them.”

Rewind 2 weeks. I’m in a red room, blood red. The dim lights are flickering. “This is it,” I said to Baco, “I’m going to be killed at best.”

You’ll be fine. I bet they’re going to up you a clearance. You could probably go into code red rooms now! I bet that’s why the rooms red!” Baco tried to make the best out of my unlucky scenarios.

Or they could paint it like this so you wouldn’t know if you were sitting on the blood of past failures like me.” Okay I’ll admit I was being over dramatic but I’m lucky to be living right now.

The door opened with a click. She walked in. Okay I know I should still call her by her code name. Firefight walked in. Her silky red hair in a bun, unlike her, she normally has it down. Her hazel eyes were puffy, showing she had been crying. Then I didn’t know why she was crying, now I wish I had too.

“I’m so sorry Stormstriker.” She normally only called me Storm, not my full code name. That should’ve been my hint. “I tried my hardest.” And then she started crying again. I then realized it was over. By helping him I had to leave the TGE. They were my family, my home. But now they were kicking me out, all because of some stupid boy.

The rest I can only remember pieces of. The room goes dark, Captain walks in and the lights go back on. She speaks to me in Russian. A language we only speak when mad. I can’t remember what she said and I’m not sure I want to. The lights go out and Captain is gone. The lights go back on and Luke is sitting in front of me. He’s looking at me when I look up. He’s the reason why I’m leaving. I told him the truth; I helped him find his dad only to find his dad with the TGE. I don’t know if he hates me, I know I hate me for it though. His arm is still in a cast. I remember why, his arm had almost completely fallen off. We just sat in silence, then Captain came on the loud speaker.

“Was this worth it Stormstriker? Was he worth it? You’ve lost everything now. Everything. Your home, family, your specialty. Now if you’d be ever so dear please tell me why he was worth this. He’s ordinary your special well sorry you were special. Now please explain.

“You don’t have to respond. They don’t own you, you know that right?” Luke surprised me. He was full of surprises.

“Oh but they do Luke. And Captain if you really wish to know you’ll come into the room.” I snapped at Captain while my voice sounded like it could cry when I spoke to Luke. Hatred could do that to a person. Captain walked inside the room. Her face read okay now tell me. I tried to stand then fell. My hands were chained to the ground. She slightly laughed.

“Can’t let you leave Storm. We know how dangerous you are even if that thing doesn’t.” Captain was referring to Luke when she said that thing. She didn’t like him at all, she was debating even killing him till Firefight stepped in.

“If I’m so dangerous why are you throwing me to the street?” I shot daggers at her, believe me if looks could kill she’d be dead.

“Cause the government is watching you.”

“Oh yay privacy.” The sarcasm that I used always mad her hate me more.

“At least I know where I stand. Nothing getting in the way of my duty.” Again with her calling Luke thing.

“Well at least I have a heart.” Luke looked up when I said this. He had kissed me weeks ago. We were sitting next to each other. My head was on his shoulder we were talking when I paused and yawned. He leaned in and kissed me. I started to kiss him back when I backed away and said “You don’t want to get involved with me. I’m not always sure I have feelings and I don’t want to hurt you.” I looked down, curled up and went to bed.

“But you said.” And he looked down. He looked hurt. Captain looked at him then to me.

“Oh Storm the one thing we couldn’t teach you. How to not be a heartbreaker. Luke I don’t know what you see or saw in her. Besides you’re not in the business, all she could truly do was hurt you. Now I’m leaving have fun you two.” And she left. My chains disappeared and I rubbed my wrists.

“Kristine why’d they keep calling you Stormstriker?”

“My name isn’t Kristine that’s why. We don’t really have names so if I wanted to be normal I had to have one.”

“Oh. Do I know anything true about you then?” He started to doubt me that’s what I feared. I wasn’t sure if I had feelings for him but I wanted to at least have a friend.

“Everything I told other than my name was true. I was orphaned by my real parents and adopted by the TGE and everything else.”

“So then what you don’t have a heart or do you?”

“I don’t know I think so?” I sat on the coach and he sat next to me.

“That’s not a real answer.” He was confused. I looked at him and said

“I have a real answer.”

“What?” He had no clue. I leaned over and kissed him and he kissed me back.

“I think I love you.” I said. With him replying

“I think I love you too.”

The lights went out again, or my memory blacked out. I only remember Firefight crying, then escorting us out.

“They know you’re coming back, Storm.” She didn’t have to explain, I knew she meant the orphanage.

“Who knows you’re coming back? I thought you said you didn’t have any family.” Luke didn’t understand though. I hate truths so much most of the time.

“The orphanage.” I left it at that. I looked down after I said that, not because I was embarrassed because I didn’t want him to pity me.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“For what? You didn’t kill my parents 9/11 did.” I didn’t meet his gaze. I just couldn’t.

“You could stay with me. I could tell my mom your one of my friends and say your parents just died in a car crash. She wouldn’t mind.” He seemed like he believed we could do that. Sadly we couldn’t, I’m a monster he shouldn’t have to deal with. Firefight was just standing there awkwardly listening to us. “I couldn’t that after what happened.” And it’s true I couldn’t.

“But-”

“But nothing it wouldn’t work okay.” I felt bad for cutting him off, but I’m not one used to feeling welcome. The only place I ever felt welcomed at I was being kicked out of. “Firefight I’m ready to leave now.” I looked at her with a look that said ‘Put me out of my misery’.

“Luke, are you ready? I’m taking you both home.” Firefight replied.

“Yea I think so. Storm, I’m sorry.” My name sounded foreign on his tongue. Foreign but amazing. But why was he apologizing. I find myself snapping at him to realize it wasn’t me but Firefight.

“You better be boy. She was perfect here. Everyone loved her, she worked well in the fields, and she respected the code. Until you came along. She was even going to skip a clearance!”

“I was?” I was surprised. I didn’t know that. Many things make me tick but that shouldn’t have. I think I was completely broken except for one strand, for that’s when I broke out crying.

“Storm, oh god I’m an idiot. I’m so sorry. I’ve done a hell of a lot of damage haven’t I?” Luke looked like he cry right then. “Everything was s crewed up in my life and then you came along and you were the one good thing and all I did was break your life!” I was certain he was yelling at me until he said “I’m such an idiot monster thing. If anyone should be locked up and kicked out its me not you Storm.” If I thought he was full of surprises then my mind without me actually thinking was a lot more confusing. I put my hands on the back of his head, pulled him to me, and kissed him. He kissed me back which was what surprised me most.

Chapter 2 Missing

For the first time I actually paid attention to the kiss. His lips were super soft, his smell made me feel safe, and I felt that I could lose myself to this. I wasn’t proud of that but I didn’t care. No one owns me; I’m free to do whatever I want. Sadly freedom comes with a price. Freedom meant leaving the TGE, it meant the orphanage or being out on the street it meant- but I couldn’t finish my thought because Firefight cut me off.

“Uh, Storm?” and I backed away from Luke. “Sorry but I forgot to mention we found a family whose able to take care of you.”

“Really? Who is it?” I was semi excited. Okay I was over joyed I didn’t have to be at the orphanage at all.

“My sister’s, friend’s, ex-boyfriend’s, cousin’s, step-brother’s, dog’s ,old owners.” She replied and then laughed a little.

“And your point is?”

“I didn’t actually have one. I just wanted to say that.” She had a smile on her face. Her eyes weren’t puffy anymore and if her hair wasn’t in a bun and Luke wasn’t here. I’d think we were going on another mission. I forced a smile on my face.

“What’s the school district?” I asked because I don’t really know any normal person expect Luke.

“Um, I believe it’s the Hollandale district.” Luke must’ve known something because his face was shocked. I was overjoyed and depressed at the same time. I was like a Janus Mask. Luke just stood there, open mouthed.

“Uh, Luke you can shut your mouth.” I looked to him as I said it. He shut his mouth and said

“That’s my school district.” He looked confused but plastered a smile on it that I couldn’t tell if he was faking or not.

“Wait are you joking?” I got confused and knew his smile wasn’t fake.

Present Day

Uh Luke why are you here? No offense though.” I was at the lake sitting on a broken cement block, throwing stones in the water.

“Hey Baco!” And he leaned down and pet my Lynx Baco. Completely ignoring my question. “Cause your mom said you just disappeared and I figured you came here.”

“Okay. We’ll I’m fine so you can leave now.” I looked away hoping he wouldn’t see my puffy eyes. I was crying again, still mad at, myself for not fighting harder to stay at TGE. I felt more tears coming on so I was fighting hard to hold them back. I felt his gentle hands on my chin moving my face to see his own.

“You’ve been crying again. You’re not fine and you still miss them don’t you. And let me guess you don’t want to take about it because I wouldn’t understand. Well yea I wouldn’t understand but I’d try to.” He then leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Now what’s really bugging you.”

“I don’t even know anymore. Sometimes I just need to sit there and cry, Having no one to bug me. And I don’t even actually have any real friends.” Then tears started to slowly drip down my face.

“Storm, what about Lisa and Mary and Cammy and everyone else? What am I not real?” Tears came down harder after that. “Oh Storm I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You, they haven’t told you yet have they.”

“Told me what?”

“I’m, Kind of, you know how the government was watching me.”

“Yea. What does that have to do with it?”

“I kinda, well I.” I was stumbling for words “I’m going back to the TGE.”

“When we’re you told this? Why didn’t you tell me? What happened?”

“They, well Captain, had a change of heart and she let me back in knowing this was my only real screw up ever.”

“Oh. Does that mean you’re not coming back?”

“No it means your-”

Chapter 3 Friends

My life has always been confusing. My parents are dead and in there will I was to go to a special place. That specials place is a Spy Agency called the TGE. I then met a boy I felt I could open up to, so I told him everything. That got me kicked out. I lived a normal life for a few weeks then I was invited back. They had forgiven me understanding that it was my only mistake. This is the story of mistakes, forgiveness, love, death, hatred, denial and my entire life.

My parents have been dead for a few years now. They died in a plane crash most of you know as the ‘Twin Towers Incident’ I would say I miss them but I didn’t really know them. I was three when they died. My only family was the TGE.

Most of you are probably wondering what TGE stands for. Well since that’s your wish, TGE stands for The Goddesses’ Equality. We’re truly a group of gifted women. Gifted in the sense of magic. Not witchcraft, that’s an offense to us completely. We are descendants from gods and goddesses. Therefore we have powers. There small and inefficient till we learn how to harness it. We learn that in the TGE. The government works against us, except they think we don’t know that. We’ve a spy in their ranks.

7 Weeks Earlier

“Oh, Baco, what have we gotten ourselves into?” I asked Baco. He looked up at me with his furry face. My newest mission, I had to pretend to be normal for a few weeks to find a criminal who stole something from the TGE.

“It’s gonna be fun! You’re gonna be normal! Imagine that normal people living normal lives not expecting anything from you!” Baco was too happy about this.

“Yes. Expect for the fact you won’t be able to speak like me.” I relied to his dismay. “You can talk when we’re alone okay?”

“Yay!” He had the best smile a Lynx could have.

3 Days Later

I was nervous. Okay more than that. I was standing on pins and needles waiting. It wasn’t every day I go to a park with other people my age. Even if they were also spies. We were looking for a boy code named, BlueStorm. He was about the age of 16, sent from the government unsurprisingly. He stole something, we don’t know, and we have to get it back.

That was when I first saw Luke. Well he saw me. I wasn’t paying attention to him. I had only glanced over him seeing that he wasn’t BlueStorm. So he approached me, well then I assumed he approached my partner, code name RedCaves, fake name Macey. She’s prettier than me so what was I supposed to think? So he walked over and started making conversation.

“Beautiful day isn’t it?” Luke said except then he was random boy talking to me.

“Sure I guess.” I was confused. “Is there anything you need?” I’ll admit I thought he was a weirdo. I’m sorry I wasn’t used to cute guys walking up to me and trying to talk to me.

“Yes there is.” He replied.

“So are you going to tell me or am I gonna walk away.” I looked away towards a tree. Two birds where nestled next to each other in their nest.

“Why’d you say going to then say gonna? Why not say going to or gonna twice? You’re obviously hiding something. What are you hiding?” He looked at me suspiciously.

“Um, I’m not hiding anything. Besides even if I did why would I tell you?” I started to turn away when he grabbed my wrist. He took the picture of BlueStorm. He looked at him questionably.

“Why do you have this picture?” He sounded slightly worried.

“Why do you need to know?” I asked as I slightly shook my head.

“You have a mug shot of my friend why would I not want to know?” I just realized that RedCaves stood within earshot the entire time, for she walked over after hearing that.

“I met him once and wanted to find him.” RedCaves batted her eyelashes while she said that.

“Your petty liars. My friend has this huge thing against redheads.” Luke sneered. You should probably know that RedCaves has red hair. I’m just a simple brunette. “Sure if you said that” he gestured to me “I’d believe it. He hits on every girl he sees. Except red heads. Never red heads.”

“Why should we believe you anyway? We don’t even know your name.” Red snapped.

“How would you know unless you were listening to our conversation? Hm?” He looked at me. “And I’m sorry I was rude not telling you my name. It’s Luke. What’s yours? Or am I not allowed to know, you know with everything your hiding and denying.” He snapped at Red but said it causally to me.

“It’s, I’m Kristine.” I replied

“Krissy, why are you telling him your name? You can’t trust this fool.” Red said playing along with my fake name.

“Cause I trust him. Besides you wouldn’t know if he’s a fool unless you were listening to our conversation. Besides I want to make friends here. You’re not the one moving here Macey.”

“Why’d you tell him my name!? I don’t care anymore find him yourself I’m done!” She stormed off. Luke looked confused. Well as you can tell I got off on a perfect start with him.

“Here.” And he took my hand and put the picture in it. “I’ll help you find him if you want.”

“Really? Thanks.” And I smiled. For added affects.

“Come with me.”

“Okay.” And we walked towards the town. The park we were in was on the side of town, making the walk about ten minutes


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 10:55 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello mynames, Wolf here for a review.

Since this is a kind of long piece, and it has more than one chapter, I will split up my review like so. I will write one right after finishing the part, so I may ask questions that are answered in the next parts, just keep that in mind. For the entire piece as a whole, I would recommend to go through and thoroughly read everything word for word. It will help you can some obvious mistakes.

Chapter 1:

It was a pretty interesting chapter. We learn quite a bit of information about the history of the main character, Storm, and where's she's from, how she got there, what she does, what she did to get kicked out, etc. Though, I do like that you didn't tell us absolutely everything. It leaves some mystery that we want to go and read more.

Other than some technical errors here and there, or some stylistic thing (for example being too repetitive in areas, an easy fix), the only suggestion I have for you, is to build off their love in the very beginning. I mean, I would have never guessed that Storm had a thing for Luke unless she told him, because she sure doesn't act in love around him.

Chapter 2:

Wow, intense chapter, huh? So we find out that Storm will be heading back to the TGE (whatever that stands for), and Luke will be coming with her? Awesome! (I bet I'm dead wrong though xD) You give us a nice look on their relationship when they are alone and just being themselves, but again, I don't see them as lovers, aside from the kiss on the forehead. They talk and seem more like friends to me.

I do feel like this part is a bit rushed. Well, because she's been kicked out, and then suddenly she's back in again? What happened while she was out? How'd school go? How'd she adjust to life? You should try to slow it down and really exaggerate the point that she's been kicked out with no return and when she gets accepted in again, it's really a surprise to us, the readers.

This also, was a little on the short side. Again, you could try to exaggerate some points out, like where she was before there. Why'd she go there? Where is she? Little questions like that to add some meat to the bone.

Chapter 3:

Interesting, you have a little introduction paragraph, and I kind of feel like that was just used as an info dump. Try avoiding those. We can wait to know the name and the reason for the orginization until later when it pops up somewhere else. Just a thought.

I'm not sure how I feel about when she first meets Luke. I doubt it's that easy to tell someone is hiding something or lying. People make many mistakes when speaking a lot, I know I do it all the time and get a laugh out of it. So personally I don't find it too realistic, but do with it what you wish.

Overall, I really liked this, and I can't wait to see more. I have one last suggestion, though, and that is to split your chapters up per piece and not have about three in one area, but the longer it is, the more it will probably scare away other reviewers. Keep that in mind. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Image






Thanks Wolfare. Basically every question you asked is answered in later chapters so i'm not going to answer them now. The intro paragraph for paragraph 3 i felt it just fit. Idk i'll revise it a little bit though. Thanks again!



User avatar
11 Reviews


Points: 1330
Reviews: 11

Donate
Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:02 am
SilverArrow wrote a review...



Jumping right into the review, I'm going to say that this is an interesting story with a lot of potential. It's unique, and I can't say I've read anything like it. I liked how you just jumped right into the storyline; it adds some mystery, in my opinion. The plot is good, although I wish it was a bit clearer as to where the story is going, but it definitely piqued my interest.

Now for the nitpicks. I'm not going to list all the sentences, but in some cases, there was a comma when there shouldn't be, and in others when a comma should have been placed.

For example:

-“This is it” I said to Baco, “I’m going to be killed at best.”

A comma should be placed after "it."

-“Luke are you ready? I’m taking you both home.” Firefight replied.

Comma after Luke.

-No one owns me, I’m free to do whatever I want.

Because these are both two independent clauses and are not combined with a conjunction, there needs to be a semicolon where the comma is in this sentence.

Make sure to watch out for grammatical errors such as those, as they sometimes cause distraction and take away from even the best of literary pieces. But aside from those minor things, I believe you have the beginning of a great story.

Can't wait to read more!!! :)

~SilverArrow~






Thanks so much! I'm not always good at getting little things like that. I actually tried to make it a little unclear in the beginning for the later chapters. I'm already done up to 6 and am halfway through 7. 6 and 7 are definitely going to make the story a lot more clear. Thanks again!




"For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein