Hey there! I'm going to echo Wolf here and say: Welcome to YWS!
I'll just take a quick run through the entire piece first, so hang tight~
He wares a dark blue hood and brown cloak. He has brown hair and a full beard. His features are rather hard to discern from where I sit crouching behind a rock. In his right had he car-ries an oaken staff. In front of him looms a forest. The leaves are just budding out. Above him a bright three quarter moon sheds light on the fields of Balston.
1) "Wares" should be "wears."
2) You have a tendency to say, "His/He/Him" a lot and it can get rather monotonous for the reader to have to plow through the first paragraph; try spicing it up a bit by using alternatives like: "the man," "the stranger," or such. But don't create too much of a variety, otherwise it looks just plain disorganized.
3) "had" should be "hand" and "car-ries" should be "carries."
4) Alrighty, so while I can't spot any other technical errors here, I do think that your narration isn't as well-established and your point-of-view not as clear as it could be. This is because while this is in first-person, you kind of stray from that certain perspective to providing us a general picture of the setting/scenery as a whole, so it's like you've suddenly shifted to a third-person omniscient kind of perspective. Also, you rush the details out. You tell us there's a forest before the man, the moon in the sky and what he looks like, his appearance, apparel, etc. Now, I notice you tell us a lot of things, and the thing is that having too much "tell" and less of "show" can make your chapter opening seem like an info-dump. You can remedy this pretty easily, either by being subtle with your descriptions or tweaking a couple of your sentences. For example, instead of simply stating: "In front of him looms a forest," you could play with imagery and say something like: "The forest seems to whisper with itself as he stands before it; the leaves rustle ..."
Or something like that. Personally, I think you should focus more on writing from perspective here, since I doubt anyone could be as observant to tick details off one by one. What is your character thinking as he/she observes the man? Can they see his face in the darkness? Why are they there? You need to make room for the reader to connect with the main character: don't stray so far into the action that your character just stands like a puppet on the sidelines.
Original: "Where are your citizenship papers the man asks." The traveler looks at the man quizzically.
Corrected: "Where are your citizenship papers?" the man asks. The traveler looks at him quizzically.
"I am just a simple traveller wandering these lands." the traveler replies.
~ A comma should replace that period, since dialogue tags (said, replied, cried, etc.) are usually preceded by or followed by commas.
~ Typo: "traveller" should be "traveler."
The traveler looks and sees more guards around him.
This was pretty sudden. Also, I'm wondering where all those guards popped out from. You don't really give us much of an insight into setting besides that first para, and your reader might get pretty shocked when you bring in different people and actions out of the blue. Be subtle; lead up to it so the reader doesn't question your choices and digests information easily. Also, revert back to your MC's thoughts over here. I want to know what he/she is thinking and since this is first-person, what he/she sees, understands and infers about his/her surroundings.
Another thing: Pacing. This is somewhat inconsistent in your writing, mainly because everything is just too fast. You could expand on the fight scene instead of flitting by there. I was kinda ticked off by how you suddenly fast-forward to a week later without tying all the loose ends together. It doesn't really make sense. So take it slow, develop your characters, your setting and your plot. So far, your story's pretty good, and I understand that this is meant to be epic fantasy--it is epic fantasy, right?--which is always pretty difficult to write considering you have to create an entire work to house your plot. This is one of the reasons why it would be better for you to establish a base; the first chapter is the only fling at an introduction you'll get and if you plunge straight into the action instead of helping your reader grasp the general layout of the background/characters/surroundings, you might end up confusing them later when you realize that there's so much that your reader doesn't know.
Perspective plays a great part in your novel, too. Your narration gets stronger nearing the end, I've noticed, and that's because you manage to connect to your character. All you need to do is to nail the perspective in the beginning and you're good to go!
Your dialogue is your strong point: it flows naturally and is fun to read. I love it! You just need to learn to make connections and give us a little more description, otherwise I enjoyed reading this!
Keep writing! Keep it up! PM me if you have any questions~
~Pompadour
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
Donate