Seth. I can recall the day I met him. He wore a black slim fit tee shirt and jeans, black combat boots, black and gold cuffs around his forearms and biceps, and a gold necklace with shards of black and red gems imbedded in the metal. His irises were a deep brown colour with flecks of black and more golden browns scattered evenly throughout. If I were to be honest, I’d have to say that I thought he was a drug lord. That was until he took me to his home after slyly avoiding the question of occupation through our entire first date. He was no drug lord, but an artist.
Paintings hung neatly on the walls as if his living room were an art gallery. Lounge chairs and sofas were placed strategically at choice spots across the spacious room. Statues stood securely bolted to the floor in each corner, all of ancient Egyptian gods, though Anubis was the only one I could recognize. I assumed that the paintings were all depictions of Egyptian gods, as well. Green, gold, black, and white dominated each of the twenty plus paintings, with the occasional red and purple highlights.
I was awestruck. “Everything is so organized. Most artists seem more… chaotic.” A smirk was all he could muster in reply. We continued the casual conversation from our date until he escorted me to the door with his arm around my waist. “You’re not going to show me to your room and try to seduce me with your charms?” I said with a joking smile.
Without haste or hesitation, he brought my chest to his and pressed our lips together, waiting several blissful seconds to break the kiss and open his eyes again. “My room is… not exactly fit for presentation. Have a good night, Amy.”
As I grew to know him more, I found out that his little home art shop was open every Saturday and Sunday from noon until four, and that he sold enough to distant and local Egypt-enthusiasts alike each week to get by with hundreds to spare. He hadn’t seen either of his parents in years, though there were no family problems that he mentioned. I was simply too shy to tell mine that I was dating an artist, something which had always been frowned upon in my home. We stayed at my place a few nights and he told me of the long time he had spent in Egypt, which had certainly played a role in their absence from his life. “It was amazing! I lived in a sort of miniature temple with about fifteen other people and probably twenty dogs, maybe more. Anyway, as I’m sure you know by now, I absolutely love Egypt.”
“And I absolutely love you.” It was less than half a second later that I realized what I said, and my eyes grew wide with worry. His hand touched my shoulder and a shiver ran through my rapidly freezing body.
He then took me into his decorated arms and spoke, “I absolutely love you, too.” We just stood in a warm embrace of indeterminate time until we nearly collapsed. Awkward laughs were repeatedly interrupted by brief but impassioned kisses. Our faces possessed a happiness that couldn’t possibly be described.
Time went on and I could swear that we only grew closer with each passing moment. Hours every day were spent just talking and laughing, sharing stories both real and fictitious. I began to learn more about what he was interested in, even memorizing some of the deities shown in his artwork. Horus, Isis, Osiris, Nephthys… I thought that I even heard him mention one god that he was named after, but I couldn’t be sure, and his name didn’t come up again in the following weeks. There were times when I knew I could have stayed with him forever.
We had spent the evening at his place and just finished a delicious spaghetti dinner. I had never been happier than when I was with him, but there was something on my mind that I just couldn’t hold back anymore. “It’s been months and we haven’t even had a single argument… I’m just worried that something worse than a fight is on the horizon.”
Our eyes locked, an unspoken message passing between us before I glanced back down at my empty plate, embarrassed. “Don’t worry.” He stood, circled the table, and spoke in soft, sympathetic voice, “I love you so much.” He pressed his lips gently against my forehead before he opened them once more, “I’ll be right back, I just have to use the washroom.”
Feeling renewed and somewhat daring, I followed him down the hall and stopped at a black door with a golden handle. Surely this was his room, the room I still hadn’t seen. I took a deep breath and twisted the polished metal, pushing the door open and peeking around the corner. The first thing that caught my attention was the light. Completely natural light filtering down through the glass roof from a starry summer sky. My bare feet touched the sandstone floor, which was painted black everywhere except for a few square feet in front of the doorway. The room only held two pieces of furniture: an all-black bed, and a black dresser where three distinctly different knives sat proud. One was hook-like, another was dagger-like, and the third was more of a hatchet. Each had a black handle, complete with rubies, and a solid gold blade. Well kept, there wasn’t a single stain on them.
The walls were completely black, or so I thought, until a mural that covered the entire back of the room came into focus. A life-sized man with the head of an animal directly faced the door, staring into the eyes of anyone who entered. To his left stood the same animal in its pure form: a canine-like beast with a bent snout, rectangular ears, and a forked tail. It’s fur was varying shades of red, except around its scarlet eyes, where the hairs turned black. To the right of the man’s face, scrawled boldly in crimson, was the name “SETH”. My jaw slowly unhinged. I looked back at the center painting and saw that he wore the exact same golden cuffs and necklace as the man I thought I had come to know so well. He was the same height. He had the same legs, the same chest, the same arms. The only difference was the head, that completely unknown and ungodly creature.
“The god of chaos,” a wretchedly alien voice tore at my eardrums. “Familiar and uncanny, is it not?” I turned to face him. He still wore the same black clothes and golden accessories which bore the slightest hint of red, with one added item: the dagger. Black had overtaken his eyes. His teeth shone white. He pushed me against the wall, against that cursed painting, and brought the blade to my throat.
“Seth…” Fear flowed from my mouth. My desperate eyes begged him, pleaded with him. My abandoned tears fell to his feet and worshipped him.
“Seth.” A deadly smile cut across his face as the golden edge disappeared into a flood of red. His bloodied, exhilarated face flashed unrelentingly in the never-ending darkness…
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Story Seems really cool and nice. I really liked the way how you transitioned from one part to the next. Maybe you could build to the ending though cause It kind of leaves you wondering what's going to happen next. If that was how you wanted it to end awesome but I just thought that It got kinda confusing. Overall awesome job
Hello Lose, Wolf here for a review.
First off, some little nitpicks:
Now, this is is not a run-on sentence, even though its very long. With that said, it is still kind of confusing. I probably had to reread this three times at the least to finally understand what it was saying. You could just as easily split this into two or three sentences and still make it flow well. Also, when describing a noun with adjectives, remember to put a comma between the adjectives if there are two or more.
Also, some of these paragraphs are kind of lengthy. With long paragraphs, it makes it somewhat hard for the reader to follow. Sometimes long paragraphs can't be helped, and there are no good places to break them apart, but I would just recommend for you to go through and see if there are places in some of the longer paragraphs where they switch topics.
I assume the ending was supposed to have some kind of suspense, to help intensify the fact that this guy who she was madly in love with was about to kill her. However, I didn't feel it. Really, how I felt at the ending was: Oh hey, this guy turned out to be a killer. Yeah, a killer. She's dead. So what?
That suspense can be drawn out, and used to help make this better, by making the reader identify with the main character more. I mean, I don't think this character even has a name. The thing with horror and suspense is, you want to create some kind of shock or intensity, and the easiest way to do this is create a character that is realistic, and relatable.
Please don't think I'm some perfect horror writer or something, and that I know everything, and that I'm bashing on your work. Seriously, I really loved this, it was beautifully written and your imagery is amazing, but I'm just trying to give you my two cents about how I think you can make it better. Do with this information how you wish. Can't wait to see more from you. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thank you very much! I generally write from the point of view of the assailant, rather than the victim, so I still need to work on conveying the emotions she felt properly. I also tend to write much longer stories, unless they're only a scene or two, so I squished this a bit to keep it short. I was too worried about describing how awesome the killer was XD Thanks again, there are many very good points here.
Does your romance oft end in death? Because that's the obvious metaphor -- how quickly your relationships fall to dust.
Cheek aside, this is all somewhat rote, isn't it; a bit connect-the-dots. A girl meets a mysterious handsome dangerman, and, surprise, appearance does not belie a gentle heart. That you've labeled the story "horror" doesn't help; most scare tropes are so familiar to the average reader a mere set-up can divulge an end. The best chance you have to differentiate your tale is by either subverting the subversion (the man turns out to be a killer... but wait! there's been a misunderstanding; he is not so gruesome) or crafting such charming characters as to render plot secondary. Neither done, the story has slipped through your supportive arms to fall flat on its face.
That isn't to say it hasn't redeeming elements. Your beautiful boy's affinity for Egypt is intriguing, adds exotic flavour; this trait is the single most memorable aspect of the story, and could, with care on your part, create a pervasive mystique. As you described the furniture of the apartment I felt the mingling of modernity and ancient magic, white new apartment sheen and cool desert drafts along stone floors. Here's an ambiance -- which may insinuate any number of new ineffable feelings. Allow this strength to dominate your headspace and I think this seed of a story may yet grow.
The first paragraph: so much black I feared I'd slipped through time to land on MySpace circa 2005. Try to be less corny and more creative.
Golden blades wouldn't be much use. Gold is a very soft metal.
Why must women insist on ruining a good thing?
I keep feeling there ought to be a time beyond night; the cycle to morning doesn't seem right.
Haha thank-you for your feedback. Actually, I'm in an incredible relationship right now! I'm also the Egyptology-crazed Seth-obsessed one (not to the degree written in the story, of course).

There are several cliches in this, I certainly agree with you on that. Good point regarding the gold, as well. Women do insist on ruining good things a lot, that's something that really pisses me off about them! I love the fact that you aren't being shy with your review and are willing to point out all of the flaws (that's not sarcasm, I actually do mean that).
I'm essentially borrowing the character Seth from another much longer, more thought-out, and far less familiar story that I'm writing that's actually set in Egypt.
If ever you post the other Egypt story let me know and I'll give it a look. I'd love to learn more about the subject -- just not from a textbook. Sands and pyramids and swarthy bald men decked in gold, oh my!
This is a great story. I like see characters in the story. Also mostly because I like reading about egyptian gods. It had correct grammar and punctuation. It was well written and well planned out. I like your style of writing so keep writing the same way. Great job and keep writing.