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Young Writers Society



Hellfire's Pryde: Chapter Three

by KnightTeen


Alright, confession time. I changed the ending to DOFP and messed with the rest of the chapters of this story.

The DOFP ending should be on here, but the rest of it is all on my fanfiction account (yes, I turned to the darkside) under the authorname KatePryde. Also, there you can see the awesome book covers I designed.

Just thought I would let you know. I'm still going to be posting here. I just get more of an audience there.

~*~

Storm pulled into the parking lot slowly, and began to describe each detail to me. I mean, I could tell the layout thanks to the air pressure and sound waves that were bouncing everywhere, but I didn't know the finer details. "The grounds are beautiful, and absolutely covered with walking trails that are nice and wide, and clear. There are a few trees here and there, most of them young but there's one or two that have big enough branches to sit on. The buildings are brick, and it's clear that they have been built recently. There are some students around, but I bet there will be more later when more classes let out."

"Let me guess. The campus is perfect and so are the students."

"Yes."

"I hate it." I said with a vengeance.

The Professor wanted me to dress nicely, so I did. But right now I wish I had worn my oldest, most frayed and holey pair of jeans, coupled with that tee shirt I wore when I helped Piotr and Kurt repaint the living room.

"The way you describe this place makes it sound like a school of preppie, zombie clones and I have unknowingly become just like them."

It didn't take us long to park, and taking my arm Storm helped me out of the car and lead me into the building. "Hello Kitty," some voice called. "We've been expecting you. I'm Margaret Rogers, one of the secretaries here at the Academy. If you'll come with me we will get you all orientated and squared away. Your friend can wait in the lounge." I let go of Ororo and followed the woman out of the room, knowing that I didn't have any choice in the matter.

I pretty much ignored every word that came out of Margaret's mouth, since all she talked about was the rules and regulations and I already had those memorized, having been supplied with the handbook beforehand. I only looked up and paid attention when she announced that we were done. Taking her arm, she lead me back to the lounge before stepping out and closing the door to give us some privacy.

I threw myself into Storm's arms, and she absentmindedly began to stroke my hair. "You know Kitty," she said, "I don't think that this is going to be as awful as you think it is."

Shaking my head I said tearfully, "They are only waiting until you leave before they pull out the rack and thumbscrews."

Sliding my arms off of her, she told me in the serious tone that I knew better then to question, "I must leave now." I nodded and stepped back, nearly crashing into a small table that I had no idea was behind me. It only took me a few seconds to right myself.

"It's a long trip home," I joked sadly, "Want some company?"

"You silly goose, I would fly with you to the ends of the earth if I could."

She placed a hand on my shoulder. "If you ever need the X-Men, or me, all you have to do is call and we'll be there, you understand?" I nodded again, and then she was gone. I wanted to cry, and I would have, if I hadn't been interrupted at that moment.

"HI! You must be Kit! I'm Muffy, your student advisor."

Turning to the voice, I respond sarcastically, "Figures your name would be, "Muffy"." 4

Everything is cookie-cutter here, completely perfect and horrifyingly normal. Even if this were an ordinary school, I would feel out of place. I've been to another dimension, for God's sake! I've fought super-villians! I'm a hero, and X-Man. My definition of "normal" has changed and it's not going to change back. The life that I led, well, nothing is going to be the same now that I've hung up my uniform. I don't belong anywhere but there, and since I'm not there, I'm alone.

My thoughts a mess, all I could do was agree when Muffy offered to show me to my dorm.

The rest of the day passed slowly, mostly because I stayed in my dorm on my bed with my face turned towards the ceiling. One thing different about this place compared to Xavier's was the noise. There were so many kids here that there was always a constant hum in the background, a hum of computers, showers, doors opening and closing, people shouting down the hall, and the intercom that reminded people of when to be where and for what. Since I was a new student and it was a Friday, my classes wouldn't start until next week.

So there I lay, trying to tune out all the hideous noise. I was starting to get a headache, and I kind of felt like taking a shower, but one thing that Muffy forgot to do was show me the layout so that the next time I went in there I didn't kill myself. Sure, she showed me the door, but that wasn't enough. Also, it was a group shower that I shared with the rest of the girls who lived in my hall. I didn't feel comfortable about getting naked in front of other people, and vowed to wait until the others were asleep before venturing out.

My headache soon became to much for me to manage on my own, and getting off the bed slowly, I moved towards my bags. I still hadn't unpacked yet. I think a part of me still wants this to be a dream, and I'm half-convinced that the jet will appear out my window with the Professor telling me to, "Jump in and come home."

In one of the smaller bags I had packed with shower items and toiletries that was currently sitting on my desk, there was a small bottle of aspirin. Opening it, I quickly downed two of the small pills. Bracing my hands on the desk, I leaned down and waited for the medication to take effect.

What am I going to do? I thought. I can't just run away, they'll send me back. And even if I did run, I can't go back to the mansion. That will lead them directly to the others, and then the Professor would get in trouble. The emancipation papers haven't made it through the first rounds, and they won't for at least a few more days now that it's the weekend. This is killing me, waiting for Hellfire to make their move. Why can't they just get on with it?

The door opened, and someone stepped in, crying out, "Kitty, are you alright? Please tell me that you are alright!"

That voice. I'd know that voice anywhere. Cripes, it's Emma! Geez, I've heard of giving a girl what she wants, but this is ridiculous.

I hardly knew anything about the room, and with no weapons for my defense I prepared to, as Logan put it, "phase and run".

"Child, no. Don't. STOP!"

I began to scream in agony as a blinding pain shot through my head. Clutching it with my hands, I dropped down.

The pain was horrific. I felt like I was being torn apart into a thousand pieces. I don't know how long it lasted, how long I writhed on the floor. But I was in agony.

But, everything has an end point. And I eventually reached mine, and it faded into a dull throb just as quickly as it came.

I realized two things;

1) I was in a car bound for the Xavier mansion.

2) The lady with me was not who I originally thought she was.

The minute I had left her alone, Emma had used her telepathy to switch minds with Ororo, leaving Ro in Emma's body and the other way around.

Don't ask me how I knew this. I just knew.

I opened my eyes to be met with darkness, yet again. Storm was driving us to Xavier's at top speed, breaking all the limits and ignoring all the traffic lights. Never once in my life had I seen her this crazed. Of course, I was no better.

That witch was currently invading our home. This was worse than some of the memories I retained from the Kate incident.

"How much longer?" I asked, and then I was gripping the seat as Ro veered heavily to the left. I guess I started her.

"Kitty, look, I can explain," she was crying, but I would have none of it.

"You did some telepathic mumbo-jumbo when you nearly knocked me out. I know who you are, Ro. It's fine."

"Oh good," she sighed, "I was worried that you were going to attack me. I still haven't got a handle on these new powers yet."

"And even if you did have a handle on them, why would you worry about me attacking you?"

"Kitty, have you seen yourself fight?"

"Ro, I haven't seen anything."

"You've nearly beaten Logan, many times, and with little training. You're practically lethal. Anyone would have a right to be worried."

Well. I didn't know that. But I didn't have time to dwell on that thought, either.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" I asked.

"Let me see," Ro replied.

To my delight, it could.

Despite the awesomeness that was Emma's extremely fast car, we arrived to late. Ro told me that the front gate was in shambles once she saw the whole thing as we pulled into the drive. I convinced her that a stealth approach would be a better idea then driving up the driveway, because of the fact that Emma and her little minions had control of the security cameras.

They had probably already seen us.

I don't know where Storm went, all I know is that we split up; I to go find the X-Men, and Storm to do whatever she was going to do.

Upon entering the building, I discovered something that made me loath Hellfire even more. They had practically destroyed the whole place. It reeked of sweat and blood, and I kept tripping over debris after I phased in through the south wall. I could hear voices everywhere, along with a constant hum of radio devices being used.

It was really disturbing, all this noise in a place that was usually so quiet.

I hated the people who had torn apart my home.

And I was able to take this hate out on a few unfortunate souls who stumbled upon my path.

Now that I was actually in the building, I didn't try to hide my presence.

So they sent me a welcoming committee.

Ten men, all armed.

All doomed, I thought with a morbid snicker.

They should have known better than to make me this mad.

After all, corner a cat, get scratched.

The first one, the leader, didn't think that I was any threat. I guess that is what happens when you are barely pushing five feet and weigh little more than a hundred pounds. People underestimate you. And that is their mistake.

Before Ororo had put me in that car, she had located my cane in one of my unpacked suitcases, and given it to me on the way here. I was extremely grateful for it, especially now.

The leader ordered his men to stay back, telling them that he would take care of this. I wanted to laugh. As he stepped forward with a stun-gun in his hands, I extended my cane to it's full length of six feet, planted it firmly on the ground in front of me, and swung my body in a circle, kicking out in the direction of the man as I did so. A thud and a crack later, accompanied by the scent of fresh blood and the sound of a body hitting the floor let me know that I had hit my target; his face. I completed my circut around the cane, and landed gently on my feet.

Straightening, I fixed a lazy smile on my face as I stared at the remaining soldiers.

"Sooo," I trilled, "Who's next?"

My smirk was deadly, and so was my aim.

Never in my entire time as an X-Man had I ever fought this well.

Someone aimed a punch at me, and I bent over and dodged it with easy, swinging my cane out to catch the offenders feet and bring him down with an, "OOF!"

"Anybody else wanna try?" I ask innocently.

The answer is clearly yes from the way that they all converge on me.

My smirk widened into a grin, and the second I feel them shift towards me I phase, turning myself intangible. I leave my cane and my fingers solid however, and because of this I can still hit them, but they can't touch me. I duck and weave between them, acting as if I am still touchable, but they don't understand that I am not.

It's rather hilarious to feel them swipe at me and hit nothing but air. Thanks to my rather unfair advantage and a few placed blows to their heads, it doesn't take long for me to bring the whole party down.

I don't bother stepping over the bodies, choosing instead to keep my mutation activated until I am at the other end of the hall. I can hear fighting in the distance, and I know that Storm has found a few friends herself.

I know that she can handle them, however, so I just focus on locating the rest of our team. It doesn't take me long. All I have to do is follow the sounds of Piotr cursing in Russian, Logan cursing in general, and Kurt trying to shut them both up.

They're all in the living room. Jean and the Professor are unconscious, and the rest of them are chained to the south wall. All of them have clearly been drugged or something, since none of them are even trying to use their powers.

Smart Hellfire.

"Sooo," I drawled out, leaning against the doorframe. "I'm gone for barely a day, and look at the trouble you get yourselves into."

Their heads all jerk to me, and none of them speak. I rather like the way they are staring at me, as if they're seeing a ghost.

What I don't like is what Kurt stutters out.

"S-she told us that you were...dead."

I gritted my teeth together and promised myself that Emma was going to get exactly what was coming to her.

"Well, clearly she was wrong." I said firmly, making my way over to them. Activating my mutation, I pull them out of their restraints. After telling me that they are wearing collars, and that that is what is suppressing their mutations, I pull those off too.

Kurt's arms are around me the minute I'm done, and I let him clutch me to is chest for a few moments.

After a while though, I needed to breath, so I pushed him away in the hopes that I could take a breath. No such luck. The minute I was free, Piotr had me in his arms, lifting me off the floor and pressing my lips to his in a desperate kiss.

It lasted what felt like a lifetime, him and I together, but it was truly only a few minutes before someone coughed loud enough to get our attention.

I ended up being the one to break the kiss, and I leaned my forehead against his in an effort to finally catch my breath.

"There will be time for this later," I told him. "Right now, we need to go find Storm."

He nodded, and after another moment of heavy breathing, set me on the floor.

I ignored everyone's stares, and made my way to the window.

"Well, it looks like she doesn't need our help after all." I said.

She was handling herself pretty well, and it was clear that she had somehow switched her mind back to her rightful body.

"Wanna sit here and watch Storm kick Hellfire out?" I asked lightly. "Or should we go help her?"

Everyone agreed to the second question, and I pulled us all through the window.

"Oh Emma!" I called out. "Did you miss me?"

Her answering shriek was all I needed to hear.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:37 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

Before I actually review this, I advise that you change the "General" description of your genre to "Fanfiction", as that is undoubtedly a genre under which this novel falls.

I suspected that the protagonist was blind when her companion, Storm, described the surroundings to her. This is certainly a brave venture, as most authors (and humans, even mutants, in general) use their sense of sight to describe their environment. Forgoing it is therefore risky, as hearing then adopts the role of the most important sense. You skillfully applied the sense of hearing to your text though, so well done.

Your characterisation requires some more work though, as many of the characters seem to fade into each other. I suppose that statement is not entirely fair, however, as I have only just begun reading your work, and it seems I chose the second-to-last chapter of your third novella in this series. Looking at things in that light, I suppose your characterisation calls for more praise than I am giving you at present. An aspect which I cannot rightly criticise is your use of emotion in the characters' dialogue, so that is definitely a highlight.

Though your plot is certainly exciting, I think it simply progressed a tad bit too quickly. perhaps you should spend a little more time describing the events. Nevertheless, rushing the plot does create that feeling of haste and anticipation, but at what price?


"Let me guess. The campus is perfect and so are the students."

These two sentences ought to be joined by a semi-colon.

"I hate it." I said with a vengeance.

Das first full stop must be ein comma. (Sorry about that - something came over me.)

It didn't take us long to park, and taking my arm Storm helped me out of the car and lead me into the building.

A comma is missing! Call the police!

I let go of Ororo and followed the woman out of the room, knowing that I didn't have any choice in the matter.

I assume "Storm" and "Ororo" are one and the same? (Whoa, it is strange typing "Ororo".)

...all she talked about was the rules and regulations and I already had those memorized, having been supplied with the handbook beforehand.

How? I thought she was blind? Unless, of course, if someone read it to her, but in that case, you should say so. (Or did you say so in an earlier chapter?)

Sliding my arms off of her, she told me in the serious tone that I knew better then to question, "I must leave now."

One, the underlined should be than, and two, the dialogue and narrative should be separated.

"If you ever need the X-Men, or me, all you have to do is call and we'll be there, you understand?"

Can you believe I thought she jokingly mentioned the X-Men?

Also, it was a group shower that I shared with the rest of the girls who lived in my hall.

The correct terminology is communal shower.

My headache soon became to much for me to manage on my own...

Typo: too. I don't have to explain why, do I?

But, everything has an end point.

It is a little displeasing when two consecutive sentences begin with the same word, especially when it's a conjunction.

"Ro, I haven't seen anything."

The first actual confirmation in this chapter of Kitty's blindness.

My smirk widened into a grin, and the second I feel them shift towards me I phase, turning myself intangible.

O_o Did you just swap from past tense to the present? *checks* You did! And for several paragraphs, actually. Hmm... it is not advisable to employ the present tense in the narrative of anything other than a short story, and even then, rarely.

After a while though, I needed to breath, so I pushed him away in the hopes that I could take a breath.

When used as a noun, it is breath, but when you used as a verb, it is breathe.

"Well, it looks like she doesn't need our help after all." I said.

Das first full stop should also be ein comma.


I love the humour you employ in your writing; it makes the text more original and lively, both which are certain to attract readers. I can comprehend why you have so many fans.

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Sun Jun 08, 2014 2:49 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmmmmmy here for a review!

First off, I want to tell you that I am angry with you right now. Not telling me that this chapter was out. Very rude. :P

This was an amazing chapter, just like usual. Very emotional, and I just. love. Storm. She is awesome. To me she seems like Kitty's mother. A new mother. One that actually cares what happens to her. :)

Kitty sure kicked ass in this chapter, too! Before this, we had small glimpse of what she is capable of. Small tidbits for us to nibble on so that we can grasp her power. But now... Now I am dumbfounded. She really beat those guys up, no sweat!
Maybe I need to watch X-Men. She is in it, you say?


Storm pulled into the parking lot slowly


I would describe how Storm while you are still talking about her driving, rather than focusing on the parking lot. So I would go: Storm pulled slowly into the parking lot.
Tiny nitpick. :D

air pressure and sound waves that were bouncing everywhere


Wait a sec... Isn't she in a car still? If she isn't in the car, then you need to state that. If she is in the car, then this doesn't make any sense. Primarily just because how would the sound have changed and how would the air pressure change? She is still in the same vehicle.

It didn't take us long to park, and taking my arm Storm helped me out of the car and lead me into the


Nitpick number one: You need a comma after "arm"
Nitpick number two: Bolded word should be led

her arm, she lead me


Nitpick number one: I think her should be [/I]my[/I], because it confuses me when you say her and then me...
Nitpick number two: I already stated this, but lead should be led

blinding pain shot through my head. Clutching it with my hands


Here I have a miniscule nitpick. Not even a nitpick. More like a comment. When you say, "clutching IT in my hands" , I almost get the impression of her clutching the pain. Which is ridiculous of course, but sometimes using it isn't specific enough. I once went through my piece and did a search for it and there were quite a few results! All of which could have been changed to avoid confusion. Well, changed most of them anyway. :P

I realized two things;

1) I was in a car bound for the Xavier mansion.

2) The lady with me was not who I originally thought she was.


No offense to you. Your writing is amazing. But this part seems so.. so... essayish. That is totally a real word! :P Its like you are stating facts one by one, going through a list. Give us something to visualize! Something that I can grab hold of!

Emma's extremely fast car, we arrived to late.


"To" should be "too"

After all, corner a cat, get scratched.


I lovvvved this part! But I think it would be more appropriate if you said, corner a kitty

X-Man had I ever fought this well.


I think pull out the bolded word.



Allll done with the nitpicks! They were all tiny stuff. Barely worth noticing, really. But this review has to be something, right? :D

I loved the ending. So funny. I have noticed a subtle change in Kitty. She is no longer the young girl that I met in the first chapters. She has grown, changed. From the young, almost innocent girl, to this confident, young woman. I liked the character development. Your style of developing the character. Subtle... So much so that I can barely tell the change, and then I look back over and just say, wow. She has gone so far! You have gone so far. ;)

One quick question: What is this DOFD, and why would it affect the ending?
You had better come out with more Kitty Hyde, by the way. ;)
~Darth Timmyjake




KnightTeen says...


DOFP: Days of Future Pryde.

You really need to read the new ending, since it changes so much of the dynamic.



timmyjake says...


Where is it at? Could you link me or is it just in your profile?



KnightTeen says...


I posted the new ending on here, but the changes for Hellfire are all in my fanfiction account, https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10386543/1 ... re-s-Pryde

Also, you can see the book covers that I designed and made there.




Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman