z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Blood Bath-- The Only One

by ongoeslife


My eyes peruse the cornucopia, my breathing rapid. A genie lamp with a grain symbol on it, a growling German Shepherd, what looks to be an ordinary cloak, a piece of rope, and a rectangular piece of paper leaning against a wall—those are my choices.

I can take one… Only one item. I thought. And that one item must help me be the only one left at the end of this nightmare. My heart pounds a rhythm to the thought that becomes my mantra—Only one. Only one. Only one. That’s me… The only one. The item I choose will mean life or death to me, the only one on this field I am allowed to care about. I can’t think about Strange, my old friend from District Three—though I don’t know his real name. I can’t think about MaryAnna, either, though she quite reminds me of my sister. I must remember that she is not my sister—that I must survive her in order to---.

The gong sounds, and the race to death has begun. Desperately, my flying feet carry me directly towards the rope. In the nanosecond before I seize the rope and lunge away, I glance at the ticket and glimpse the word ‘celebrity’ on it. Dodging and weaving in a dire attempt to make myself a poor target, I flee towards a copse of trees, seeking shelter.

Straining my ears for any sounds of pursuit, I maneuver swiftly around trees, jumping logs and large rocks. Once the sounds of bloodshed have abated, I allow myself to slow down and scout around. Almost instantly, the sound of percolating water drifts on the breeze to me, and I cautiously follow it, pausing every few yards to listen intently. Just as I glimpse a creek through the trees, I throw myself to the ground, praying that I had not been noticed. One of the other tributes is there, and he has the vicious-looking German Shepherd with him.

Quietly scooping up some loam, I begin rubbing it into my skin, hoping to mask my scent. I retreat several yards from the creek and find a sturdy oak to station myself in. Once nestled in its branches, I examine the rope I still hold. It is a hawser-laid hemp rope, about a foot long. Fingering it, I think of all I could use it for. The Peace Keepers often used one on miscreants; when sodden, it would leave some painful lashes and bruises on any tribute intent on harming me. It could be made into a snare for catching game, or perhaps a noose to snag tributes. Should the situation become dire—well, more so than being alone in an arena full of people intent on trying to kill me, I thought wryly—it could be used as tinder for a fire.

Coiling it up and tucking it into my belt, I feel satisfied with my selection. There is no telling what other creative uses it might have when the blood hits the fan. I know that I would have to be the winner—the only one.


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271 Reviews


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Wed Jun 11, 2014 6:56 pm
Gravity wrote a review...



Hello fellow tribute! Gravity here to give you a review.
So this was great. I loves your tone throughout the whole thing. I was confused about who MaryAnna is. I'm assuming she may be the other tribute from your district?

I was happy when I saw you chose the rope, I did as well. I have a few criticism s for that, however. The rope isn't long enough for a proper noose or for a snare. It can make a mini noose, but not one big enough for a human neck or a snare large enough for an animal.

Other than that, your descriptions were great. Good job!

XOXO,
Gravity




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Mon Jun 02, 2014 8:30 pm
fire_of_dawn says...



Oh dear. You seem to have forgotten, in a few places, that you were writing in the present tense. Witness-

Once nestled in its branches, I examined the rope I still hold. It is a hawser-laid hemp rope, about a foot long.

I thought wryly


Otherwise, you've done a good job of keeping your story tense- pardon the pun, Sis.




ongoeslife says...


Thank you! I noticed before you read it that there were a lot of tense-switching; I just missed a couple more.

It's okay; the puniness must run in the family. Or maybe there's something in the air...



fire_of_dawn says...


...or the heirs. *ducks*



ongoeslife says...


*facepalms* Your derri-air will hurt soon.



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Mon Jun 02, 2014 7:16 pm
BellaRoma wrote a review...



A pretty good fanfiction, I have read the hunger games and I like your spin on the story. Obviously the bloodbath is quite an intense moment so a lot needs to go into the scene to do it justice. You've managed that fairly well, probably better than I would have done. To make the moment even more dramatic perhaps you could put in more detail about what's going on around you, that was what gripped me when I was reading the actual book. Not to knock you or anything though, it has to be original and what you've done is great as it is. It was not at all boring.
I loved the way you kept repeating about the rope like it was the centre of the whole thing (part of me thinks it was). In my head I could easily imagine how important it was. You successfully placed me into the mentality of a tribute which is definitely what I enjoyed most because I wasn't quite expecting it.
Good luck with the challenge. A fanfic contest - what a great idea! Next time I'll have to pay attention and have a go.




ongoeslife says...


Hey, thank you so much for your review!

We were given five choices from the cornucopia to choose from, and had to write why/how we would use it into a short story. So, in a way, the rope was the center of this whole story; it kinda tied it all together. ;-) (I am being SO bad with puns today...)

I'll see if I can write in some dramatic detail, but I'm not quite sure how it's supposed to work in this particular contest setting, so that's really why I avoided direct conflict in the story.



BellaRoma says...


Fair enough. I really do like the idea of a fanfic contest. There are all SORTS of books/sagas you could base it on.
Once again, good luck!



ongoeslife says...


Thank you!!



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Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:27 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review a fellow tribute's entry!

My eyes fixated on the cornucopia

You might want to truncate "fixated" to fixed, or change it to focused. Fixated just feels a little strange there.

and he had the vicious looking dog with him.

Minor technical, but you might want to hyphenate "vicious looking."

The only thing that could use just a little more emphasis early on is the fact that you grabbed the rope. When I read "In the nanosecond before I seize it and lunge away, I glance at the ticket and glimpse the word ‘celebrity’ on it." my mind processed that you'd grabbed the ticket instead of the rope. All that you'd have to do would be change "it" in "before I seize it" to "the rope" and you'll be fine. (But that's not really a huge deal. :) )

Otherwise this looks really good! You've got a short, strong entry.

Hope this helps!




ongoeslife says...


Thank you very much!
Sometimes I just like a word so much I get... fixated on it. XD (Okay, sorry.) I'll change it!

Do you think I should add anything else about what's going on and make it longer, or leave it as it is?





I don't feel like it's too short or lacking anywhere, so it's probably fine. :)



ongoeslife says...


Okay, great!

Thanks again!!




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