z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Hunger Games Entry

by Shady


Prompt: Write a short story about what you would grab from the cornucopia and why.

The options were seemingly endless. The cornucopia, piled high with food, weapons, and general provisions stood tall and ominous in front of me. I shifted uneasily, clenching my fists. I surveyed the objects closest to my side of the black-iron cornucopia.

There were many of food items, but many of them didn't look safe to eat. There were strips of meat jerked from the body of some unidentified animal, blocks of cheese that stank so badly I could smell them from where I stood when the wind shifted in my direction, and strange loaves of bread. The bread was particularly interesting.

The loaves were as white as my abdomen— nothing like the seaweed and salt bread we had back home— and unshaped; just stretched out blobs of dough that someone baked. I wasn’t sure that I particularly wanted to try any. Give me little fish shaped loaves of bread and salted trout any day.

My eyes flicked away from the food to assess the weapons that offered their handles to me; their number were few. There was a bow, unstrung, lying on the ground to the right, a quiver of arrows spilling out beside it. It was no good. I didn’t know the first thing about bows. I couldn’t shoot one if my life depended on it, as it very soon might, and I certainly couldn’t put the string on a bow.

There was a large sledgehammer to my left, partly hidden by a simple brown leather bag. I glanced up at the other tributes; some were big, strong guys with chests and arms rippling with muscles. They could do some damage with the hammer. I couldn’t. There was little need for such large hammers on the ships and my body wasn’t used to swinging anything so heavy. I doubted I would even be able to lift it, once I got tired or injured.

The countdown started. I felt my muscles grow tense as a loud voice, seemingly coming from the sky, began counting backward from fifty seconds. The voice seemed mocking to me, as he announced the exact remainder of how much time was left before I would be in the battle of my life. A battle for my life. I wet my lips and I looked at the other provisions nearby, knowing I’d need to make a choice soon.

My eyes flitted across a piece of canvas, folded on top of a wooden slat crate. I couldn’t tell what was in the crate. In front of it sat several nylon drawstring bags, bright orange, bulging from whatever was stuffed inside them. An extra windbreaker jacket with matching pants were out in the open a few yards in front of them, easily accessible. Easily identifiable. A bright red color; they’d mark me in an instant.

“Twenty-five… twenty-four… twenty-three…”

A spearhead glinted in the afternoon light. My eyes locked on it. Spears I knew how to use. Tridents, harpoons, spears — all were used for sport fishing back home, in District Four, and I was well known for my ability with a spear. I glanced at the distance I had to cover to reach the spear. It was hopeless. The spear was near the point of the cornucopia and all of the crates, and bags, and bowls of food stood between me and it. I sighed.

The countdown flashed in the sky. Fifteen… fourteen… thirteen…

My heart was racing. I swallowed hard, rubbing my palms on my pant legs, frantically searching for something I could get and then run to safety. I knew I didn’t have anything to worry about from the other Careers. At least I hoped I didn’t. I proved myself in training and my father’s friend in the Capitol promised to sponsor me. By extension, his friend offered support to anyone who sided with me.

I made sure all the Careers knew of that promise.

My eyes landed on a dark, mottled gray cloak. It was large; far too large for my small frame. The cloak could fit one of the big, sledgehammer wielding boys, from the looks of it. Still, I was pretty sure I knew what it was; and if it was what I thought it was, then I definitely wanted it.

Seven… six… five…

The citizens of the Capitol would be going wild. My district would be watching with bated breath, trying to catch a glimpse of their tributes. Of me. I swallowed hard again, forcing my face into a glare, unwilling to look weak when so many of my friends were watching. When I was about engage in what my Uncle trained me for my entire life.

Three… Two…

A quick glance at the other tributes. My heart was in my throat, beating so loudly I couldn’t hear anything else. My vision swam. The Games were suddenly far more real, and far scarier, than they’d ever been before. Cloak. I locked my eyes on it. If it was the same cloak I’d seen in the Games a few years before, it would make me invisible at night.

One…

If it was the same cloak I’d seen in the Games before, it was worth the risk. I could walk with no more noise than a ghost, when there was time for me to consider where I placed my feet. If I could be as invisible as I was silent, there would be no stopping me.

A loud buzzer.

I sprinted from the platform where I was standing. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. The next few moments went whizzing past me too fast for me to realize what was happening. I was so dizzy. So sick, as a spray of hot blood splashed into my face. I hesitated, rubbing my face. It wasn’t mine. I ran. Faster than I’d ever run before, I started toward the gray and green cloak.

Ten strides in front of me. The fabric looked rough and worn, but in good condition. Five strides. I jerked to the side at the last moment, a girl from District One suddenly standing squarely in front of me, a small, scrawny boy from District Eight in her grasp. She brought her knife down on him. I turned my head to the side as I leapt around them, unwilling to watch, suddenly queasy from the bloodshed. I mentally kicked myself. Two strides.

I leapt forward, diving for it, my arms stretched out in front of me. My fingers wrapped around the course fabric and tucked my head. As soon as I stopped rolling I pushed myself backward until I was leaning against the wall of the cornucopia, being sure that a large box hid me from view as I hugged the cloak close to my chest.

It was a lot heavier than it looked on the screen when I watched all those years ago from a stool in the tavern, and far heavier than I anticipated as I snatched it off the crate. Giving it a closer look I realized that it was just a dull green cloak, but small bits of fabric sewed to it in blacks, and grays, and browns gave it a mottled look. I slid my hand inside the cloak and was pleasantly surprised to realize it was lined with thick black satin.

I heard a footstep coming nearer to me. A shadow falling behind me on the wall. Suddenly I was jerked out of my happy thoughts about the cloak; was thrust back into the middle of a blood bath. I scrambled for the sharpest thing near me—just a small knife, the blade no longer than the width of my hand. It would do. I grabbed it and did my best to silently push myself into a less vulnerable position, my heart racing once more.

Before I could move very far, the boy from District Two was standing over me with a large rapier. I kept my arm back and ready to attack, stiffly, but didn’t move—just stared at him breathlessly to see if we were still friends, now that the scent of blood was in the air. He just looked at me a long moment before sneering, “Aw, how cute. She brought her blankie with her.”

He walked away. I let my arm fall and head drop backward. Sighing, I rubbed my face and looked at the cloak. It would make a good blanket when it got cold… if I wasn’t using it to hide me as I slaughtered people in their sleep. Either way, I’d be warm. If I didn’t die before I got the chance.

I shook my head, trying to get my breathing under control. Sure I looked weak, and embarrassed myself in front of not only the other Careers but in front of my whole District. But I’d survived the Blood Bath, and that was all that mattered right now.


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303 Reviews


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Reviews: 303

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Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:06 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay Shady, review incoming!


Allright: Quick pre-review comment. This is going to be pure information and opinion, so mind if it's messy and insulting. If you disagree with what I say, just take it as my opinion; don't argue.

Mind here though, I really do think this is some of your best writing yet!

FIRST! Usually these days I avoid grammar and spelling nitpicks, seeing as editing usually takes care of them; but this is a special case, so bear with me through the next few moments.

I'm gonna quote, then point out what's wrong. REMEMBER TO KEEP IN MIND MY OPINIONS!!!

The cornucopia, piled high with food, and weapons, and general provisions

aa
'food, and weapons, and general provisions' sounds much better if you cut the 'and' before 'weapons' and just make it just 'food, weapons, and general provisions'. It flows better that way.

I noticed that there didn’t seem to be anything particularly interesting nearby.


Come on! You're just saying this to say it, and I know you are because just a moment later you point out a number of interesting things. Cut it. Cut it. It makes no sense if you actually look back after having read through everything.

but most of them appeared inedible.


Personally I find this rather ridiculous; this person is a trained career apparently ... they should realize that anything they get when it comes to food could mean life or death. 'Appeared inedible' is a five year old's words.

I couldn’t shoot one if my life depended on it, as it very possibly could, soon, and I certainly couldn’t put the string on a bow.


That 'soon' completely clogs me up when tossed in with all those commas. Mess around a bit here and get rid of it! The 'soon' is obvious. Also: If you're not comfortable with bows then it's drawing it that you'll be scared of and not stringing it! And unless this is a 100 pound longbow there should be no trouble stringing!

Side note: The bow is a cliche and really stereotypical weapon to put in here on the cornucopia! GET RID OF IT! Replace it! People expect a bow when they 'see' the cornucopia; surprise them and you'll catch their attention!

There was little need for such large hammers on the ships and my body wasn’t used to swinging anything so heav”usty.


Okay; this is a miserable reason for this person not to be able to swing a heavy hammer. The fact that 'she' (I assume it's a she) can't makes plenty of sense; the problem is that you're really getting very bland with your reasons!

I felt my muscles grow tense as a loud voice, seemingly coming from the sky, began counting backward from fifty seconds – an exact remainder of how much time was left before I would be in the battle of my life… a battle for my life.


Two things! A: The section after the dash is badly worded. B: It's way too long, and when you drop an ellipse in like that you shred your flow! FIX IT! Break it up! Don't use the dash. New sentence if you need it!

Tridents, harpoons, spears, lances— all were used for sport fishing back home, in District Four, and I was well known for my ability with a spear.



AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! STEREOTYPE!!! GAAAAAAH! I'M NOT SEEEEEING THIS!!!!

SERIOUSLY! That was what was going through my mind when I read this! First off, lances aren't used in fishing. Second, district four (or any of the districts for that matter) did NOT have 'sports'. Don't break up the story world! Break up the story method, but not the story world! Third; this sentence 'well known for a spear' makes me want to cry. Pleeeeeease! NO SUPER-COMMON POWERS! They're diluting your character into sludge and turning her into a heap of ____.

I made sure all the Careers knew of that promise.


Okay, I have a seriously bad impression of this character for blackmailing the careers out of killing her, and I really don't think that with that kind of impression running you want to tell everyone that she, standing there, is STILL intimidating them and reminding them of where they are! This is a short story, but KEEP IT REAL!

it was worth the risk. I could walk almost silently,


Okay, there's very little difference between 'almost silently' and plain 'like an elephant' (which by the way is too bland). I mean the kind of difference like between 'missed you by half a hairsbreadth' and 'missed you by five hundred million light years!' This is no good! Dilutes your characters abilities and is really really really weak. Use some kind of crazy comparator here though! Not just 'like a mouse', or 'really silently'. It'll give your char a scar that won't get out of readers minds!

A loud buzzer.


A loud buzzer? A loud buzzer what?! If you want to have this character think, then have them do it ALL the way! By the way, it would be a good change to the original THG first-person style!~

I rolled as I landed to lessen the impact of my fall; as soon as I stopped rolling I pushed myself


Besides the fact that you mention the fact that she rolled one time too many, the fact that she did it to lessen impact force is pretty darn obvious (in fact!)!

Giving it a closer look I realized that it you bwas just a dull green cloak, but small bits of fabric sewed to it in blacks, and grays, and browns gave it a mottled look. I slid my hand inside the cloak and was pleasantly surprised to realize it was lined with thick black satin.


'Just a dull green' cloak really devalues this thing! She already knows it's worth something, so why do that now? Come on! Also, is this tech or savvy-in-a-suit? Be definite! It'll make it much more, or much less interesting.

the boy from District Two was standing over y me with a large rapier


Okay; little thing here. Rapiers are really a very specialized type of weapon and are all pretty much the same size.


All right! Now on to the smaller, but more important part!

First: DESCRIPTION!

One thing I can't believe about this piece is that you gave NOTHING that even hinted as to this character's name or gender (though the gender is possibly suggested by the fact that they cannot easily lift the hammer -though it might suggest age instead! - It's pretty obvious to me from your style, but not to people who haven't read you before).

Now. Think! What was one of the most important, first-mentioned things that were mentioned in THG when Katniss entered the arena? THE SCENERY! The WORLD! In concentrating so hard on your target you have COMPLETELY negelected something that is nagging at the corner of all THG fans minds! They cannot visualize the situation without some decently directly hints to what things look like! DO NOT DILUTE THIS FOR THE TARGET LINE! If you do you'll be unrealistic and your story will be UNCOMPLETE!

Next, and finally! CHARACTER!

I cannot, seriously, cannot, believe that this person (supposedly trained by their uncle and on non-KOS terms with the top-dawgs of the gang) would push aside running for that spear (which they're good at, no?)! The fact that they're taking the fast, easy money-run is sickening and completely negates any comments you had to their training! This person, I swear, is being set up to fail ... by ... you....

Also, they seem very very very very soft! I'm assuming that you're not talking about a character who runs a few dozen more yards after getting their jacket only to get skewered in the back by the prize spear! This mess-up stems from the same problem you have with description! YOU ARE CONCENTRATING TOO HARD ON YOUR STORY LINE! You are NOT paying enough to the fact that it's a PERSON you're handling here! With a life behind them and a life ahead of them (though mayhap very short life). With hopes. Dreams. Fears. BE REAL! Do NOT jump this piece off of a cliff for the story line! The judges may go by the storyline when juding, but if they have a good solid story to work with it'll pull you up 10 thousand points!

All right! That's it! If you have any questions, send 'em to me! Remember that a lot of what I've said is opinion here! TREAT IT AS SUCH AND DO NOT CONFORM TO MY STYLE!

Btw, consider this review my form of a sponsored drop XD (FUN FACT! This review is exactly the same number of words as your story! AHAHAHAHAAH! And it wasn't intentional even!)

Spoiler! :
Rooting for you! I swear, keep this up and you've got a fighting chance!


~Black~




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303 Reviews


Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

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Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:02 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay Shady, review incoming!


Allright: Quick pre-review comment. This is going to be pure information and opinion, so mind if it's messy and insulting. If you disagree with what I say, just take it as my opinion; don't argue.

Mind here though, I really do think this is some of your best writing yet!

FIRST! Usually these days I avoid grammar and spelling nitpicks, seeing as editing usually takes care of them; but this is a special case, so bear with me through the next few moments.

I'm gonna quote, then point out what's wrong. REMEMBER TO KEEP IN MIND MY OPINIONS!!!

The cornucopia, piled high with food, and weapons, and general provisions

aa
'food, and weapons, and general provisions' sounds much better if you cut the 'and' before 'weapons' and just make it just 'food, weapons, and general provisions'. It flows better that way.

I noticed that there didn’t seem to be anything particularly interesting nearby.


Come on! You're just saying this to say it, and I know you are because just a moment later you point out a number of interesting things. Cut it. Cut it. It makes no sense if you actually look back after having read through everything.

but most of them appeared inedible.


Personally I find this rather ridiculous; this person is a trained career apparently ... they should realize that anything they get when it comes to food could mean life or death. 'Appeared inedible' is a five year old's words.

I couldn’t shoot one if my life depended on it, as it very possibly could, soon, and I certainly couldn’t put the string on a bow.


That 'soon' completely clogs me up when tossed in with all those commas. Mess around a bit here and get rid of it! The 'soon' is obvious. Also: If you're not comfortable with bows then it's drawing it that you'll be scared of and not stringing it! And unless this is a 100 pound longbow there should be no trouble stringing!

Side note: The bow is a cliche and really stereotypical weapon to put in here on the cornucopia! GET RID OF IT! Replace it! People expect a bow when they 'see' the cornucopia; surprise them and you'll catch their attention!

There was little need for such large hammers on the ships and my body wasn’t used to swinging anything so heav”usty.


Okay; this is a miserable reason for this person not to be able to swing a heavy hammer. The fact that 'she' (I assume it's a she) can't makes plenty of sense; the problem is that you're really getting very bland with your reasons!

I felt my muscles grow tense as a loud voice, seemingly coming from the sky, began counting backward from fifty seconds – an exact remainder of how much time was left before I would be in the battle of my life… a battle for my life.


Two things! A: The section after the dash is badly worded. B: It's way too long, and when you drop an ellipse in like that you shred your flow! FIX IT! Break it up! Don't use the dash. New sentence if you need it!

Tridents, harpoons, spears, lances— all were used for sport fishing back home, in District Four, and I was well known for my ability with a spear.



AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! STEREOTYPE!!! GAAAAAAH! I'M NOT SEEEEEING THIS!!!!

SERIOUSLY! That was what was going through my mind when I read this! First off, lances aren't used in fishing. Second, district four (or any of the districts for that matter) did NOT have 'sports'. Don't break up the story world! Break up the story method, but not the story world! Third; this sentence 'well known for a spear' makes me want to cry. Pleeeeeease! NO SUPER-COMMON POWERS! They're diluting your character into sludge and turning her into a heap of ____.

I made sure all the Careers knew of that promise.


Okay, I have a seriously bad impression of this character for blackmailing the careers out of killing her, and I really don't think that with that kind of impression running you want to tell everyone that she, standing there, is STILL intimidating them and reminding them of where they are! This is a short story, but KEEP IT REAL!

it was worth the risk. I could walk almost silently,


Okay, there's very little difference between 'almost silently' and plain 'like an elephant' (which by the way is too bland). I mean the kind of difference like between 'missed you by half a hairsbreadth' and 'missed you by five hundred million light years!' This is no good! Dilutes your characters abilities and is really really really weak. Use some kind of crazy comparator here though! Not just 'like a mouse', or 'really silently'. It'll give your char a scar that won't get out of readers minds!

A loud buzzer.


A loud buzzer? A loud buzzer what?! If you want to have this character think, then have them do it ALL the way! By the way, it would be a good change to the original THG first-person style!~

I rolled as I landed to lessen the impact of my fall; as soon as I stopped rolling I pushed myself


Besides the fact that you mention the fact that she rolled one time too many, the fact that she did it to lessen impact force is pretty darn obvious (in fact!)!

Giving it a closer look I realized that it you bwas just a dull green cloak, but small bits of fabric sewed to it in blacks, and grays, and browns gave it a mottled look. I slid my hand inside the cloak and was pleasantly surprised to realize it was lined with thick black satin.


'Just a dull green' cloak really devalues this thing! She already knows it's worth something, so why do that now? Come on! Also, is this tech or savvy-in-a-suit? Be definite! It'll make it much more, or much less interesting.

the boy from District Two was standing over y me with a large rapier


Okay; little thing here. Rapiers are really a very specialized type of weapon and are all pretty much the same size.


All right! Now on to the smaller, but more important part!

First: DESCRIPTION!

One thing I can't believe about this piece is that you gave NOTHING that even hinted as to this character's name or gender (though the gender is possibly suggested by the fact that they cannot easily lift the hammer -though it might suggest age instead! - It's pretty obvious to me from your style, but not to people who haven't read you before).

Now. Think! What was one of the most important, first-mentioned things that were mentioned in THG when Katniss entered the arena? THE SCENERY! The WORLD! In concentrating so hard on your target you have COMPLETELY negelected something that is nagging at the corner of all THG fans minds! They cannot visualize the situation without some decently directly hints to what things look like! DO NOT DILUTE THIS FOR THE TARGET LINE! If you do you'll be unrealistic and your story will be UNCOMPLETE!

Next, and finally! CHARACTER!

I cannot, seriously, cannot, believe that this person (supposedly trained by their uncle and on non-KOS terms with the top-dawgs of the gang) would push aside running for that spear (which they're good at, no?)! The fact that they're taking the fast, easy money-run is sickening and completely negates any comments you had to their training! This person, I swear, is being set up to fail ... by ... you....

Also, they seem very very very very soft! I'm assuming that you're not talking about a character who runs a few dozen more yards after getting their jacket only to get skewered in the back by the prize spear! This mess-up stems from the same problem you have with description! YOU ARE CONCENTRATING TOO HARD ON YOUR STORY LINE! You are NOT paying enough to the fact that it's a PERSON you're handling here! With a life behind them and a life ahead of them (though mayhap very short life). With hopes. Dreams. Fears. BE REAL! Do NOT jump this piece off of a cliff for the story line! The judges may go by the storyline when juding, but if they have a good solid story to work with it'll pull you up 10 thousand points!

All right! That's it! If you have any questions, send 'em to me! Remember that a lot of what I've said is opinion here! TREAT IT AS SUCH AND DO NOT CONFORM TO MY STYLE!

Btw, consider this review my form of a sponsored drop XD (FUN FACT! This review is exactly the same number of words as your story! AHAHAHAHAAH! And it wasn't intentional even!)

Spoiler! :
Rooting for you! I swear, keep this up and you've got a fighting chance!


~Black~




Blackwood says...


You do realize its supposed to be her?





Duuuuh. >.>

I'm saying she's not a great character for this. needs modifications to be better.



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:29 pm
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Deanie says...



Shady!

This was so near perfection D: Some of your best writing *that I've read anyways*. I can't really review it because I don't know what I would've said...

I grabbed it did my best to silently push myself


Just one little nitpick. You're missing the word 'and' here between it and did ;)

Deanie x




Shady says...


Thank you, darling. <3



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Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:13 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



Fastest reaction time you've ever seen, am I right? Gotta be fast to stay alive or something like that. (I haven't actually read the Hunger Games books!)

So let's dive right in:

Surveying the objects closest to my side of the cornucopia, I noticed that there didn’t seem to be anything particularly interesting nearby.


Why waste time on this sentence? I feel like... from what I remember from the movie, this moment was SUPER intense and fast -- the first rush to go get something and also try to get away from other people and their weapons really quickly. You gotta give us that tone and pace down to the very sentences, too. So don't waste time mentioning things that aren't interesting, right?! In fact, I'd say cut to what takes your "character's" attention most -- what takes your attention right away as you see the cornucopia. You can mention the food a little later in the piece, maybe when the character's thinking about all the things she could have taken, or whatever her next priority is.

Aha, as I read further on, apparently there's a little waiting time before they rush in and you've built your entire piece around that, so I guess my advice is a little... opposite to how you wanted to take it, but I still wonder -- can they see all the details of the food and stuff from however far away they are standing. For that matter, how far away are they standing? Can you build the setting up a little bit in place of the sentences that say nothing's interesting?

I understand that you want to get a lot of information in a small piece of writing because you're trying to build up all of the story of your character and this is the first time you're able to write, but I didn't like the bits about the people waiting for her, the Careers, or whatever other people she was thinking about. At other points in the story, she could have those thoughts. I'd believe them at a time when she's not about to go into a really dangerous situation. But this is the Blood Bath! She's gotta have more practical thoughts in her mind, doesn't she?

Eep. I dunno. I haven't read HG, like I said, so I'm just focusing on seeing this SINGLE scene and enjoying this ONE moment in time -- so I was missing that in-the-present feeling.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you and that you can maybe edit it to your liking before the deadline. May the odds be ever in your favor (I think that's what you guys say for "good luck", right? hehehe)

<3




Shady says...


Thanks. You rock, Hannah. <3



Hannah says...


Did I mention I haven't read the books!? heh heh...



Shady says...


Haha, it doesn't matter xD

(*whispers* I read them well before the movie came out, so I don't really remember them well.)



Hannah says...


But did you, in fact, know that I haven't read the books?!?!?!




Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.