Okay Shady, review incoming!
Allright: Quick pre-review comment. This is going to be pure information and opinion, so mind if it's messy and insulting. If you disagree with what I say, just take it as my opinion; don't argue.
Mind here though, I really do think this is some of your best writing yet!
FIRST! Usually these days I avoid grammar and spelling nitpicks, seeing as editing usually takes care of them; but this is a special case, so bear with me through the next few moments.
I'm gonna quote, then point out what's wrong. REMEMBER TO KEEP IN MIND MY OPINIONS!!!
The cornucopia, piled high with food, and weapons, and general provisions
aa
'food, and weapons, and general provisions' sounds much better if you cut the 'and' before 'weapons' and just make it just 'food, weapons, and general provisions'. It flows better that way.
I noticed that there didn’t seem to be anything particularly interesting nearby.
Come on! You're just saying this to say it, and I know you are because just a moment later you point out a number of interesting things. Cut it. Cut it. It makes no sense if you actually look back after having read through everything.
but most of them appeared inedible.
Personally I find this rather ridiculous; this person is a trained career apparently ... they should realize that anything they get when it comes to food could mean life or death. 'Appeared inedible' is a five year old's words.
I couldn’t shoot one if my life depended on it, as it very possibly could, soon, and I certainly couldn’t put the string on a bow.
That 'soon' completely clogs me up when tossed in with all those commas. Mess around a bit here and get rid of it! The 'soon' is obvious. Also: If you're not comfortable with bows then it's drawing it that you'll be scared of and not stringing it! And unless this is a 100 pound longbow there should be no trouble stringing!
Side note: The bow is a cliche and really stereotypical weapon to put in here on the cornucopia! GET RID OF IT! Replace it! People expect a bow when they 'see' the cornucopia; surprise them and you'll catch their attention!
There was little need for such large hammers on the ships and my body wasn’t used to swinging anything so heav”usty.
Okay; this is a miserable reason for this person not to be able to swing a heavy hammer. The fact that 'she' (I assume it's a she) can't makes plenty of sense; the problem is that you're really getting very bland with your reasons!
I felt my muscles grow tense as a loud voice, seemingly coming from the sky, began counting backward from fifty seconds – an exact remainder of how much time was left before I would be in the battle of my life… a battle for my life.
Two things! A: The section after the dash is badly worded. B: It's way too long, and when you drop an ellipse in like that you shred your flow! FIX IT! Break it up! Don't use the dash. New sentence if you need it!
Tridents, harpoons, spears, lances— all were used for sport fishing back home, in District Four, and I was well known for my ability with a spear.
AAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! STEREOTYPE!!! GAAAAAAH! I'M NOT SEEEEEING THIS!!!!
SERIOUSLY! That was what was going through my mind when I read this! First off, lances aren't used in fishing. Second, district four (or any of the districts for that matter) did NOT have 'sports'. Don't break up the story world! Break up the story method, but not the story world! Third; this sentence 'well known for a spear' makes me want to cry. Pleeeeeease! NO SUPER-COMMON POWERS! They're diluting your character into sludge and turning her into a heap of ____.
I made sure all the Careers knew of that promise.
Okay, I have a seriously bad impression of this character for blackmailing the careers out of killing her, and I really don't think that with that kind of impression running you want to tell everyone that she, standing there, is STILL intimidating them and reminding them of where they are! This is a short story, but KEEP IT REAL!
it was worth the risk. I could walk almost silently,
Okay, there's very little difference between 'almost silently' and plain 'like an elephant' (which by the way is too bland). I mean the kind of difference like between 'missed you by half a hairsbreadth' and 'missed you by five hundred million light years!' This is no good! Dilutes your characters abilities and is really really really weak. Use some kind of crazy comparator here though! Not just 'like a mouse', or 'really silently'. It'll give your char a scar that won't get out of readers minds!
A loud buzzer.
A loud buzzer? A loud buzzer what?! If you want to have this character think, then have them do it ALL the way! By the way, it would be a good change to the original THG first-person style!~
I rolled as I landed to lessen the impact of my fall; as soon as I stopped rolling I pushed myself
Besides the fact that you mention the fact that she rolled one time too many, the fact that she did it to lessen impact force is pretty darn obvious (in fact!)!
Giving it a closer look I realized that it you bwas just a dull green cloak, but small bits of fabric sewed to it in blacks, and grays, and browns gave it a mottled look. I slid my hand inside the cloak and was pleasantly surprised to realize it was lined with thick black satin.
'Just a dull green' cloak really devalues this thing! She already knows it's worth something, so why do that now? Come on! Also, is this tech or savvy-in-a-suit? Be definite! It'll make it much more, or much less interesting.
the boy from District Two was standing over y me with a large rapier
Okay; little thing here. Rapiers are really a very specialized type of weapon and are all pretty much the same size.
All right! Now on to the smaller, but more important part!
First: DESCRIPTION!
One thing I can't believe about this piece is that you gave NOTHING that even hinted as to this character's name or gender (though the gender is possibly suggested by the fact that they cannot easily lift the hammer -though it might suggest age instead! - It's pretty obvious to me from your style, but not to people who haven't read you before).
Now. Think! What was one of the most important, first-mentioned things that were mentioned in THG when Katniss entered the arena? THE SCENERY! The WORLD! In concentrating so hard on your target you have COMPLETELY negelected something that is nagging at the corner of all THG fans minds! They cannot visualize the situation without some decently directly hints to what things look like! DO NOT DILUTE THIS FOR THE TARGET LINE! If you do you'll be unrealistic and your story will be UNCOMPLETE!
Next, and finally! CHARACTER!
I cannot, seriously, cannot, believe that this person (supposedly trained by their uncle and on non-KOS terms with the top-dawgs of the gang) would push aside running for that spear (which they're good at, no?)! The fact that they're taking the fast, easy money-run is sickening and completely negates any comments you had to their training! This person, I swear, is being set up to fail ... by ... you....
Also, they seem very very very very soft! I'm assuming that you're not talking about a character who runs a few dozen more yards after getting their jacket only to get skewered in the back by the prize spear! This mess-up stems from the same problem you have with description! YOU ARE CONCENTRATING TOO HARD ON YOUR STORY LINE! You are NOT paying enough to the fact that it's a PERSON you're handling here! With a life behind them and a life ahead of them (though mayhap very short life). With hopes. Dreams. Fears. BE REAL! Do NOT jump this piece off of a cliff for the story line! The judges may go by the storyline when juding, but if they have a good solid story to work with it'll pull you up 10 thousand points!
All right! That's it! If you have any questions, send 'em to me! Remember that a lot of what I've said is opinion here! TREAT IT AS SUCH AND DO NOT CONFORM TO MY STYLE!
Btw, consider this review my form of a sponsored drop XD (FUN FACT! This review is exactly the same number of words as your story! AHAHAHAHAAH! And it wasn't intentional even!)
~Black~
Points: 11152
Reviews: 303
Donate