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The Adventures of The G.L.R Chapter 4: Missing

by Niraco


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

“Damion, you’re embarrassing me,” complained Synergii, folding her arms over her chest and turning her head away from her companion.

The two sat in a tavern. Judging eyes fell on them; beings spoke in whispers about the newcomers. Nervously, a waitress strolled over to the table. Damion didn’t notice at first, being stuck in a ship for months eating nothing but packaged food took its toll. As a reward, Damion decided to order as much food as possible and eat it all.

“Excuse me,” said the waitress.

Damion stopped mid-chew to look up at the waitress. “Yeah?” Disgustingly, food and gravy dribbled out of his mouth.

Synergii rolled her eyes and turned her head towards the waitress. “I’m sorry, are we causing too much trouble?”

“Yes, could you calm down a little?” the waitress asked.

“Yeah, sure, we’re sorry,” said Synergii trying to paint on a smile.

Once the waitress left Synergii glared at Damion. It became suddenly harder for him to chew his food and he began to sweat under the stare of Synergii.

“Alright, alright, I’ll eat normally,” he said, slowing down his mouthfuls.

Synergii sat back in her chair. She sighed as babysitting because Damion was hard work. Her eyes wandered towards the window and she noticed the sky turning orange. Synergii looked at Damion and gestured towards the window.

"Hurry up," she said. "It's getting dark and all we've done is laze about in this place."

Once Damion finished his meal the two went back to the docks. Synergii noticed a group of people murmuring about a kidnapping.

“Yeah, it happened right here,” said one voice.

“People should learn to be a lot more careful around here,” replied another.

Kidnappings were a regular thing on Em. If it wasn’t Synergii would have felt more compelled to yell at the gossipers. No one helped anyone on this spaceport. It was a sad ideal.

“We’re back!” called Damion as he entered the ship. “Hey Niraco! Now I’m well-nourished we should have another scrap. What do ya sa-”

He paused when he noticed Niraco wasn’t in the bridge.

“She hasn’t come back yet,” said Wave, standing at the podium looking through the opened emails sent to it.

“She hasn’t?” said Synergii taking off her glasses and cleaning the dirt from them.

“Nope.”

“What was she going to get?” ask Damion, his voice rather shaky and unable to hide the worry.

Cayleon turned around the pilot’s chair. “She’s most likely still at one of the terminals. I’ve tried to get in contact with her but the datapad seems to be unresponsive.”

Damion clenched his fist; something didn’t fit right in his gut. Normally, Niraco did have a bad habit of being late but this seemed longer even by her standards. Especially since she was only checking the terminals.

“Come on Synergii lets go get her,” Damion commanded, turning around swiftly and walking back out of the ship.

Wave thought Damion was being over dramatic since Niraco was always late. This was no surprise to them. Once she was finished looking at all the opened emails she went towards the cabins. Whenever Niraco was away Wave would take the opportunity to sneak into her room and check out whatever thing Niraco had downloaded onto her computer. Today there was still nothing. No new downloads and she had deleted the only game on the system.

“Seriously,” sighed Wave about to shut down the computer.

She stopped when she suddenly noticed a small blinking light appearing at the corner of the email icon. It signaled about a new unopened email. She clicked the icon and Niraco’s emails flashed up on screen. There was only one. Niraco must have deleted the rest, thought Wave as she opened the newest email. The sender address was only titled ‘S.G.’ The email was only three letters long: ‘I appreciate it.’

Strange, thought Wave. It was mostly junk spam mail which Niraco received; once or twice there was something good, like an email from an old friend asking about how she was. Niraco never replied to them. She didn’t want anyone to know about the group. Cayleon had told her time and time again to change her email but Niraco wouldn’t part with it. She said it held sentimental value. Then why did she have this new address with the only contact being S.G? Wave questioned.

She marked the email as unread so Niraco would know Wave had gone through her emails. Despite the crew being together for many years they all had their own business. Wave knew she would never get any answers from Niraco even if she pestered her. She shut down the system and sat back in the chair, pondering who the S.G. could be.

Outside Damion and Synergii were marching their way towards the terminals. Niraco wasn’t there, but her datapad was. It was lying on the ground; a crack had rendered it useless.

He went to the terminal and checked the last thing Niraco looked at. His eyes flashed open wide and he turned towards Synergii.

“You knew about this didn’t you! there is no way you couldn’t have!” he said, on the verge of yelling.

“He begged me not to, so I did,” she said.

He sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead. “Come on, let’s head back, we’ll get Wave to come look with us.”

Her grabbed Synergii’s arm and yanked her beside him. She winched in pain and pulled her arm away.

“Why are you so mad?” she said, rubbing her slightly bruised arm.

“You should have at least told Niraco,” he said. “I know she’s an idiot but maybe she could have prepared something.”

He turned around ready to march back to the ship when he bumped into a tall cloaked figure. The man mumbled something before quickly scurrying away. Damion yelled profanities at him as the figure faded from sight. Synergii noticed a piece of paper lying on the ground were the two collided.

“Damion look,” she said, handing him the paper.

Damion squinted his eyes. “I can read this, it’s in Semalish.”

She pointed to one of the words. “It says to meet this person at the lowest level and we’ll get information on Niraco,” she yanked the paper back. “Actually it says, Friend is where I know, low level is meeting. So whoever this guy is he isn’t a Semaloid.”

Damion stared off towards where the figure was last seen, a confused look painting onto his face.

***

On a large black ship, light-years from Em, Niraco lay on a crisp white bed. There were no restraints which bounded her to the bed and she found that very confusing. Her head pounded and she feared to open her eyes. Her senses were still dazed from her needle induced sleep. The sheet she lay on hissed soothingly to her touch. Slowly but surely her eyes blinked open. Her head swirled from the blinding white. She tested her strength by leaning on her elbow. Just as she thrusted her elbow onto the bed she suddenly remembered about her bruise there and prepared for pain. It never came. Her bruises were all gone.

“They healed me?” she whispered in confusion. “Why?”

She swung her legs over the bed and stood on her bare feet. The boots she wore were on a metal tray just across the room. Hastily, she slipped them onto her feet. She whispred trying to make her Semaloid Gift work but it wouldn’t respond. The previous fight with Damion really worn her and her powers out. However, she could tell that it would only take a few more minutes before she was at full capacity again.

“Oh, you’re awake.” The door moved open and a female Dethre came in.

Out of all the Outer Species in the cosmos Dethres were considered to be the most deadly. Their skin was hard and scaly, the colours of their scales ranged from murky greens to chilly blues. The female Dethre which stood before Niraco was a pale brown and yellow.

Niraco looked around for a weapon.

“Now there is no need to panic,” said the female, holding up her hands. “Everything is perfectly fine. We apologise that you had to become part of this.”

“Part… you kidnapped my crewmember!” she yelled.

The female smirked, but Niraco couldn’t tell from her hard skin.

“Follow me, and I’ll take you to see him,” she suggested.

The female walked out of the room. Before Niraco followed her she tried once more to get her Gift to work. It failed and she internally cursed.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 10:22 am
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

I have never read a Science Fantasy work before, but that does not mean I do not know what its characteristics are. I hope you do too. ;)

The Science Fiction element of your story is clearly discernable, but I have yet to find a trace of Fantasy other than Niraco's "Gift". This is most likely because I am not familiar with the rest of the novel. Oh well.

Your names are original, and I appreciate that. It is rather strange how you jumped from Damion and Synergii to Wave and then back to the previous two though, but that is not my main concern.


Judging eyes fell on them; beings spoke in whispers about the newcomers.

The first part of your sentence is phrased awkwardly. Perhaps exchaning eyes for gazes is better.

Damion didn’t notice at first, being stuck in a ship for months eating nothing but packaged food took its toll.

Your comma should be a semi-colon, as it replaces a conjuction.

As a reward, Damion decided to order as much food as possible and eat it all.

“Excuse me,” said the waitress.

Damion stopped mid-chew to look up at the waitress. “Yeah?” Disgustingly, food and gravy dribbled out of his mouth.

I think you can better indicate the lapse of time in between Damion's ordering of the food and his eating it.

Synergii rolled her eyes and turned her head towards the waitress.

The underlined is redundant.

It became suddenly harder for him to chew his food and he began to sweat under the stare of Synergii.

The word order of the first underlined part of your sentence is incorrect, and the second can be replaced with "her stare", thereby simplifying the phrase as making it sound less awkward.

She sighed as babysitting because Damion was hard work.

Pardon me, but did you read this phrase? Two conjunctions are unnecessary, not to mention grammatically incorrect, so just omit the because.


There are many other errors in your chapter, both concerning grammar and style, but I shall not point them out as well, as you really only repeat the same mistakes. I advise going through your chapter again and revising it. Perhaps, next time, you should not be in such a rush to complete a chapter? Only publish it once you are satisfied. Over all, your chapter was adequate, so do not feel terrible. Go through your rules, and write again.

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Thu Jun 05, 2014 5:24 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Niraco!

Sorry I am so late at getting to this >< Been having a really crazy schedule lately, but I am here now! This was a pretty good chapter. I have a lot of nitpicks, but I also like how one person believed it was just in Niraco's nature to be late, because well, it would've seen odd if they all went into immediate panic. I also think you are brilliant when it comes to dialogue. Every person says things I would expect them to say and you've got the whole package right there. I also think you've thrown in an interesting clue with the email. I wonder if Niraco is on this kidnapping? Or if she knows more than is being let on? Hm... I guess this is something I have to wait 'till the future chapters to find out for sure!

You also have quite a bit crew here if we think about it, and you've managed to share the viewpoint and give every character enough "screentime" if I am putting that right xD There isn't a character that seems forgotten or something.

I think they should be a bit more angry at Synergii seeing as she knew what was going to happen to Niraco and the other and didn't really say anything. If someone knew my sister was going to disappear and didn't mention anything to me so I could try and prevent it, I would also be really angry! Maybe you should also mention how they drop their trust in her a little bit, because I doubt they will tell her everything when she won't confess to them either.

She sighed as babysitting Damion was hard work.


The as in this sentence should be a because, just so it runs more smoothly when you read it.

Her eyes wandered towards the window and she noticed the sky turning orange.


This seemed like a pretty random addition to the story, with almost no purpose! At one point they're sitting at the table, then looking at the sky and then going back to what they were doing before. I don't see how that makes any progression to the story! But if you mentioned that the orange sky made it look like it was getting later, and they thought about returning to the G.L.R, then that would make sense. Or if you mentioned the sky and went on to describe the setting a bit more. Make sure there is a reason for the sentence and also make sure it flows on from what was mentioned before, so it doesn't sound like an abrupt addition.

If it wasn’t Synergii would have felt more complied to yell at the gossips.


Instead of complied, I think 'compelled' seems like it fits better here. Also, do you mean gossipers?

Wave thought Damion was being over dramatic Niraco was always late, to her this was no surprise.


Should be: 'over dramatic since Niraco was always late. This was no surprise to them.'

a small blinking like appearing


I think you mean link instead of like. Also, why would the link suddenly appear? Maybe mention it's one of those links that appear when you have new mail in the corner of the screen or something.

She marked the email as unread so Niraco would know Wave had gone through her emails.


Uh, why? I suggest you give a reason as to why Wave would do that, because all I can imagine getting from that would be Niraco's anger, not any answers...

“You knew about this didn’t you, there is no way you couldn’t have,” he said, on the verge of yelling.


I would change the comma to a full stop so the two sentences are separate ones. People don't often use long sentences when they are busy yelling at people xD I would also have the comma at the end as an exclamation mark? I feel like his voice would at least by louder than its usual tone.

He sighed, heavily and rubbed his fore head.


No comma necessary in this sentence! And forehead can be one word ;)

before quickly scurrying away. Damion yelled profanities at him as he walked away


This is me being really picky here, but you kind of have the same ending sentence here twice. You already mention the main is rushing away, so maybe have something like 'Damion yelled profanities at his back as it faded from view.' for the second sentence, or something similar.

the figure was last seen, a confused look in his eye.


It's pretty hard to show confusion using your eyes? Maybe say his face was a picture of confusion, or confusion written all over his face... something like that xD

Damion stared off towards where the figure was last seen, a confused look in his eye.

On a large black ship,


Scene jump! I think it would be great if you could indicate this with an asterisk break? That way we know we're changing viewpoints, place, or time... like so:

***

She whispred


Small typo but I thought to dig it out anyways. *Whispered.

Gift work but it wouldn’t respond. The previous fight with Damion really worn her and her powers out. However, she could tell that it would only take a few more minutes before she was at full capacity again.


Hmm this doesn't sound too realistic to me. I mean, her power is near maximum filled, but she can't use it? Does that mean she can only use her Gift when her power is up to it's maz, and then when she stops using it she can't use it again until it's completely full? That would be a bit of a pathetic power, because if you use it a little bit you can't use it again until it's completely recharged. It's like having a half charged laptop and still needing to wait for it to charge again! Maybe there is a way around this to still make this part of the chapter make sense?

“Part…you kidnapped


Remember to have a space in between the dots and the next word, unless you are joining together the two words! And that isn't right ^.^

Keep up the writing! And don't forgot to post on my wall or notify me some way when you've got the next chapter up :D I would love to keep reading.

Deanie x




Niraco says...


I didn't realize you had reviewed this - hence the late reply. I'm going back and changing what you pointed out. Also I'm trying to make Niraco and her Gifts to be 'pathetic' - for lack of a better term. Its something I will go into in later chapters.

Anyway, thank you again for your review, they always help! :)




Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse