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by fight4whatisright


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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286 Reviews


Points: 16319
Reviews: 286

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Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:59 am
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Greetings.

Oh, happy day! This chapter was directly after your previous one, so I am delighted that I have the good fortune of reviewing this one as well. :D

I am pleased to see that my suspicion was correct (sorry, it's the first thought anyone gets when they see "vampire" or "werewolf") and then I am fortunate enough to have that confirmation accompanied by such marvelous action.

When it comes to vampirism or lycanthropy, I always choose the latter, and for several reasons. Firstly, I value my soul, thank you very much, secondly, your eternal life is not meant to be spent on the earth, thirdly, a vampire's situation is much less preferable to that of a werewolf's, and werewolves are normally misjudged and confused creatures and did not have much of a choice in their transformation - vampires almost always do. My final reason is, quite simply, that the wolf is above all others my favourite animal. (My avatar is that of a Space Wolf, by the way.) I absolutely adore them!

Concerning werewolves and their transformations, I am always curious as to how the author describes it. You have done so wonderfully, as you captured the pain of the transformation (I mean, how can having your bones relocate not be painful? had you omitted that part, it may have been less realistic) but also the "elegance," if you will, of it when they are practiced enough. I also appreciate that you let the clothing tear; it makes your novel all the more realistic, and therefore the experience of reading this is so much better.

Sadly, there are some parts I did not like; however, they are aspects which are easily fixed, which is lucky, considering their being style... flaws (as opposed to errors).


The lake was obscured by one last row of trees, our paces became slower, unwilling to leave the cover of the bush without first assessing what we were walking into.

Okay, this is actually a grammatical error - into is used here as an end-of-sentence-preposition. Technically, this is not allowed, but it seems few people heed this rule much. I therefore tell people that in dialogue, they are free to use whatever language they like, but in the narrative, everything should strictly follow the rules. To avoid using the preposition at the end of the sentence, it is usually placed before a which, as in into which or into what. "...first assessing into what we were walking" would therefore be the correct way of writing.

I flattened to the ground under her weight, mud soaking through my t-shirt.

This is a style error (errors are definite, flaws are based on opinions). I advise replacing it with either fell to or collapsed onto.

She let out a guttural moan as a snout pushed out from her face.

The description of the transformation is one of the most essential parts of this chapter, so you want to write it as best you can. I think the underlined should be replaced with emerged. The process is by no means sophisticated, but that does not mean the same goes for your writing.

A tattered looking girl stood before, an unapologetic glint in her dark brown eyes.

Where is the me after the before?

“Yuck!” she screamed. “Don’t call me that.”

I don't think screamed is the best choice here. It is such a harsh and severe word... How about exclaimed?


This chapter was another spectacular success. I especially enjoyed how Vivian seemed innocent at first, but then selfish. It is interesting how you only notice things like that when you have been away from those people for a long(ish) period of time. Having been able to capture that essence and use it in your writing, your characterising skills deserve to be applauded! :smt041

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Sun Jun 08, 2014 2:09 am
Unique wrote a review...



Beautiful!!!!!! The description and conversations flowed AMAZINGLY! You had just enough conversations, and then with all of that description it was like-WOW. Not only that! The conversations didn't lead off from the imagery and plot! It's just perfect!

The description was very detailed and provided me with perfect visions of the surroundings. Bravo!

Keep up the work! I want to hear more!

~Emma/Unique





That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon