z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Problems that could happen in real life

by cottoncandybunny


Lily opened the fridge and looked inside. 

"WHA?! THERE'S NOTHING BUT SALAD IN HERE?!" There was giggling in the background. She turned around furious and saw Marie and Kiro hiding behind the counter. 

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TWO DO?!" 

Kiro giggled again while saying "I ate all the food in the fridge but the salad."

"WHAT?! YOU DID?!" Kiro nodded.

"I REALLY HOPE YOU'RE JOKING, OTHERWISE YOU'RE SCREWED."

Kiro blinked innocently,"But why would I be joking?" 

"YOU REALLY DID?!"

"Yup!" he said grinning. Lily picked up the nearest object-a knife-and threw it at Kiro. He ducked and ran.

"YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, MISTER." she called after him.

"Let me think...NOPE!" Marie stood up and ran outside.

"NO,YOU GET BACK HERE TOO. YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHAT YOU TWO DID."

"Kiro already told you what we did!" Marie called back.

"I DON'T CARE. YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME." Suzie walked into the room.

"Lily...why are you screaming?"

"Because.." Lily said pacing the kitchen fuming,"Kiro and Marie did something with all the food!"

"Oh..."Suzie replied softly.

"Hey!" Lily said spinning around to face Suzie. "Do you know what Kiro and Marie did?"

"I-I'm sorry. I don't."

Lily's eye started twitching. "When I find those two,they're screwed!"

"Lily..." Suzie said softly.

"What?" Lily replied.

"Don't you have food in your room?"

Lily thought for a bit. "I DO!"

"Then get the food on your room." Suzie said.

"I will! Thank you!"

Lily ran upstairs. 'Those two better have not been in my room!' she thought. She slammed open the door and ran to her closet. She quickly moved a box and opened a door. She stuck her head in. 

"NO!" she screamed. "KIRO! MARIE!" Little did she know that they were outside her room listening in. She heard a noise outside her door. She tiptoed to the the door and slammed it open. She quickly saw Kiro with a mischievous light dancing in his dull red eyes. She looked over at Marie with fright in her pale pink eyes. Kiro quickly grabbed Marie's arm and ran. Lily's green eyes widened when they ran out the door.

"HOW DARE THEY?!" She quickly grabbed her red sweater and yanked it over her head. She grabbed a hair tie and pulled her long red hair into a ponytail.  She shoved on her sneakers and ran out the door after them. She quickly looked around.

"Aha!" It was easy to spot Marie's bubblegum pink hair and Kiro's purple-blonde hair. She stealthily stalked them for a while. Then she quickly grabbed Kiro's black short sleeved hoodie and Marie's neon pink jacket. 

"Got 'cha!" Lily exclaimed. 

"Heh. You got us!" Kiro cheerfully said. Lily became suspicious.

"What did you do this time?" she asked slowly.

"Nothing!" Marie and Kiro said at the same time. They both quickly got out Lily's grasp and started running again. 

"GET BACK HERE." Lily screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Never!"


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377 Reviews


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Thu Nov 13, 2014 5:27 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello! :D
This is hilarious!
"Lily picked up the nearest object-a knife- and threw it at Kiro."
OH MY GOSH! SHE THREW A KNIFE AT HIS HEAD!! :D :) (is it weird that I find this rather funny?) :D *looks over other reviews* Well, I would give you some advice on it, but it looks like Raven, Margeo and Laure took care of that! :) Overall it was a great story! Really funny! Nice job! :D
-Snazzy :)






Thank you!



Snazzy says...


:D



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Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:33 am
MarGeo wrote a review...



I thought this was cute and very descriptive! I do have a few notes you might want to take into consideration:

WHA?! Should be WHAT
"But why would I be joking?" Should have a comma between But and why
"Then get the food on your room." Should have a comma after Then
"Little did she know that they were outside her room listening in." I think it would be better phrased "Little did she know, the two were outside her room listening in."
"She quickly looked around." I thought I would suggest "surveyed the area." Which I had just thought while reading it and I thought I would suggest as an alternative.
"Then she quickly grabbed Kiro's black short sleeved hoodie and Marie's neon pink jacket." Should have a comma after "then"
I would also recommend that instead of all capitalizated words, you could use punctuation and descriptive language. I don't know if you were looking for a certain effect but it is good either way.






Thank you sooooo much for the review!



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Wed May 28, 2014 9:17 am
Laure wrote a review...



Hai, Laure here for a very brief review. *blinks* Ooooooh, that chibi is very adorable. Anyways, I don't know if I should take this piece seriously or not. Because this is basically a hyperbole on a food crisis. Frankly, it did make me smile because that's basically me on a Wednesday afternoon.

There isn't much ground to be covered that hasn't been.

1) Start a new paragraph with each dialogue, and please indicate who is speaking what because right now is just this blur of speeches.

2) Because everything is in CAPS, I don't even know if I should take this seriously or not. If I were to take this seriously. Then this is basically a conversation, not even a short story really, and if I were to take this seriously, then all your characters are under-developed and your descriptions are basically non-existent.

3) On the basis that this is not serious, this is a brilliant piece of humor. It lies within the simple structure of the sentences, basically the 'hit and run' routine. It is made up of short sentence of quick bursts of action and laughter, that is completely ridiculous and totally out of order.

So basically, this is great. xD. Is pretty funny. Keep it up!

-Laure






Oh, thank you! This is the first time I've posted something I wrote online and it's really nice to see some feedback, but what I'm really wondering is HOW DID YOU FIND THIS?!



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Tue May 27, 2014 9:01 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello,

Raven here for a review!

You need some more description, the reader barely knows what is going on. I would suggest going here: Writers Corner and here: Ask an Expert. To ask questions about how to help describe things.

You also need to space things out. Everytime a new character speaks you start a new paragraph, like so:

One mouse sang woefully, "Hickory dickory dock."

"A mouse," His owner -who was watching his small friend- joined in. "ran up the clock."

"The clock struck one, and the mouse ran down. Hickory dickory dock." They finished it together, smiling.

See? That is easier to read.

Nitpicks!

'I REALLY HOPE YOU'RE JOKING,OTHERWISE YOU'RE SCREWED."

In the start you have a single quotation mark. Change that to a double quotation mark.
Stuff in red: Add a space between the comma and "OTHERWISE".

Kiro blinked innocently,"But why would I be joking?"

Space between the comma and the double quotation mark.

"YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW,MISTER."she called after him.

Space between comma and "mister". Space between double quotation mark and "she".

But the story is awesome!

Keep on writing,

Raven!





You are in the wrong land even if the roosters recognize you.
— Nathalie Handal, "Noir, une lumière"