The Pirate Queen: Chapter 10, Part 1

Hey aurora. Sorry for the time I took, life is giving me pains. But, I'll get on with it!

After stripping me of my weapons, Salian's lackeys toss me into a cell.

This is so.....telly? How do I describe something that helps us to picture the location...not in the slightest? Is it a clean cell? Does it have metal bars or wooden beams? At least a gist of these things must be described. Let's go with the following description: my guards swarm around me like a pack of crow. With practiced hands, they swoop in to disarm me. I am then marched about Salian's dingy decks and forced into a cage fitter for one of my captors.

How's that?

Of course Salian wouldn't leave any room for escape in his cells.

What would I see or not see which would so destroy my desire to escape? A taunting figurine perhaps?

Rubbing the ropes that hold my hands together, I stretch my hearing to try and listen to see if someone is coming.

Is rubbing ropes a meditative effort to enhance hearing? Because I would like to try.
How is this two clauses related in the slightest? Cognitive discordance incoming!

I hear no one, but my nails against the rope make it fray, and I scratch faster.

Do your nails fray? the rope? Or both? It could be either of the first two if my interpretation is flexible enough. What you need is a strong story that so engrosses a reader that they are not capable of thinking of a possibility other than what you have set for them through your descriptions, dialogue and thought. Unless you want them to wander in cognitive fraying, in which case it would be a specific choice on your part anyway.

"Hold her, and take no risks. We've never captured her, and I want her head."

Salian is capable of sounding commanding and not making sense at all. Never? What about now? What about today? What if....(it's the lyrics to a song by daughtry, but I forgot how to link it)

What head? If I take your head away, either you become a headless monk or you die. Salian doesn't want her dead. Yet.

The wind howling outside catches my attention, and my smile grows wider.

Sudden smile is sudden.

"What're you smiling for? You heard the captain. You'll die soon."

Where is Salian? Why isn't he still around? Taking center stage? Another room? Is this cell simply a converted state room? Also dull guard if he is one of those from just before, which he should be because you shouldn't introduce a plethora of characters for fun. Unless you want to kill them off, in which case you are GRRM.

He unlocks the door and as he comes closer to haul me out, I duck and run out the open door.

Self locking door which does not shut is a miracle even in this universe.

I drop the facade of having my hands tied, and as the pirate chases me up the stairs, I look frantically for a window.

Invisible Salian in a nearby room might also be deaf. Or is this guard...mute?

Also, no sane sailor would go into a hurricane stirred water body.

Seeing no opening, I continue up, heading for the porthole I had seen earlier.

What hole? I don't remember. Random memories are random.

Having no weapon, I sucker punch her, and she doubles over.

This pirate certainly wasn't anticipating anything. Sheathed cutlass anyone? Or was she welding a cutlass?

Hearing my pursuer's footfalls behind me, I take off again.

There are only two possibilities for the gap in their pursuit. Either aria runs very fast or the guard is a fat old bloke with a broken leg. Pick one.

Hiding my hair under a cap that I snatch off of the ground, I melt into the crowd, occasionally glancing behind me to make sure that the guard hasn't found me yet.

Or maybe the ship is everlastingly big and she has magnificent stamina?

Also, random useful cap is random. Why would there be a crowd on deck during a hurricane? Most things would be bantered down and the crew hunkered in quarters.

I find a piece of more or less isolated deck where I can dive off the side, and gulp nervously as I look at the churning sea below.

A deck divided this must be?

Taking a deep breath, I plunge into the icy water just as Salian lunges for me.

Oh i see, Salian is a shapeshifter who can have two forms at once. Quite brilliant.

I can't say much about the water and killing scene so I'll pick on the last paragraph.

"Take her to my quarters. Obviously, the brig is too easy for her to get out of." He walks off smartly, and as the rain stings my eyes, I glare at his retreating back. Coward.

Why call him a coward? Maybe fool? Or something dealing with intellect?

I'm just thinking right now that salian's flagship and the brig are two connected ships?

Anyway keep writing you! Don't disgrace the writing world the way i have with my terrible pieces!

Woooooohoooooooo (i just felt like doin that)

Hi there!

Salian strides into the room, tossing one of his guards the keys. "Hold her, and take no risks. We've never captured her, and I want her head."

I really like this part. You've done a great job reintroducing the villain here. Not that he was lost before, but it's been a while, time wise, since we've seen him. And here he all of the sudden turns up again. It's also pretty cool because he just bursts in and foils her escape plans. I don't think he was standing outside watching her, waiting for the exact time that she tried to escape. It's cool how he has this sort of sixth sense, if you will, and bursts in at the worst time for her.

Still sticking with this quote here though, there's something that seems awkward about his dialogue. It's the part where Salian says "We've never captured her before, and I want her head". The part about him wanting her head can stay because that's totally in his character. But the part where he says they've never captured her before? Well, that's a bit out of character. Think about it, a villain captures someone they've been after for the longest time (or a short time, doesn't really matter) and he's reminding his men they've never captured this person before? Kinda strange don't you think? Obviously they know that they've never captured Arianna before, there's really no need for him to say that. Take out that part and this'll be much more sinister.

He unlocks the door and as he comes closer to haul me out, I duck and run out the open door.

This is after the part where Salian comes in. (don't know why I told you that, I'm sure you know what part of this chapter it's from) So the door is already open, yes? Just caught that little mistake there. I do that all the time. I was reading through a chapter I wrote and realized that the one character left and then all of the sudden he was still there. Sometimes we just don't catch these things. Just make sure that you read through very carefully before posting. You'll catch all that kinda stuff

You're doing a great job writing Salian. I totally get the feeling that he's 100% evil and he hates Arianna. The only thing I have to say about him though is that he seems to want to do everything by himself. Can't he get one of his lackeys to do the job? If I were him, I wouldn't have jumped off the boat into raging waters if I were him. Let one of his lackeys risk their life. They're expendable.

As for plot and character development, I think it's going very smoothly. There's no huge jumps in the plot and I'm able to follow everything well. We're getting more and more into Arianna's character as each chapter goes on. I really like how she's such a strong girl and isn't ready to take crap from anyone. The world needs more girls like that.

Don't judge me, but Salian is my favorite character so far. What can I say, I'm fascinated by villains. *shrugs* I hope we get to see some more of his backstory in future chapters. I feel like I don't really know him all that well. Nothing a little backstory can't cure.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**