Hey, Jared! Pompadour here to review this lovely piece for you~
Frankly speaking, I really think you could've just begun with the first chapter here instead of having a separate prologue. This might just be personal taste, but I'm not really fond of prologues myself -- unless they're necessary, of course, like in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings where a reader can't possibly be expected to survive the book without it. Anyhow, I think you've utilized your prologue to good purpose, "testing the climate" as you said. I do like the natural way with which you state things, and I also love that you've included "facts" to give backbone to this piece! I'm just going to cover the general nitpicks before I move on, okay?
The seemingly perpetual Grover’s City of New York stood 30 miles from the next notable city, and another 120 miles from the next biggest city. It was a young city, the residents said, because its population was mostly composed of the younger generation.
Just a suggestion here: consider writing out the numbers here; it gives your writing a more "approachable" look and is also less textbook-ish. "Stood" should be "stands" because the rest of the passage is in present-tense -- not in past-tense.
Also, the fact that you've used the word, "city" four times in just two sentences could look rather monotonous to the reader, and while I know there aren't exactly any synonyms/alternatives for that particular word (Have you tried metropolis?) you could shift the sentences around so it's not as noticeable.
Another thing that confused me was this: why do you call Grover's City "seemingly perpetual"? As far as I know, "perpetual" means "continuing; everlasting or ceaseless." So if it's a young city, how can you call it "everlasting"? Yes, you say it's seemingly everlasting, but how so? Is it because of the massive youth population which will be a great part of the workforce in the future, or because it's just well-developed and peaceful? I might be looking a bit too deep into this, but you might want to think about it, because it could trigger some serious thoughts within the reader. As I read on, I find that you have presented us with a reason for having called the city perpetual:
Crime today in Grover’s is rare...
But the thing is, it's like looking at two pieces of a jigsaw that are in the wrong places, and at the opposite ends of the table. What I mean to say is: your first statement (the one that talks about the city as being perpetual) was rather vague. All right. The reader shrugs it off, since it remains unexplained. And by the time he/she has reached the second paragraph, they've forgotten all about it.
Long story short: don't leave vague statements vague. Cause and effect. I'm not saying you have to include a long description explaining to your reader what you mean: a sentence, even a couple of words would suffice. It would even make sense if you cut out the "seemingly perpetual" and incorporated it into the second para, where you talk about crime being rare. I'm sorry if I'm rambling on about this, but it's all about completing those circles! You don't really want to confuse your reader; remember!
Erm, sorry I spent such a long time talking about that. Moving on...
Economic suffering was the least of the resident’s troubles, considering.
I think you mean residents' here?
This is the story of me, straight and honest.
This bit is a little clunky and doesn't really flow. Restructure it to say something like, "This is my story, straight and honest," maybe? Just a suggestion here!
I am M. Holmes.
Whoa. That was surprising. Quite possibly one of the bluntest -- and yet effective -- twists I've seen in this piece! And why do I feel like this M. Holmes bears a likeness to Artemis Fowl? O_O
He is my everything; the light for me is only him.
This is a bit... sappy. And nineteenth century-ish; it doesn't really go with the general tone of this piece.
Allard Malcolm was perhaps my closest friend in my early years, and up until the murder. A quiet, introspective individual who was always willing to lend a helping hand.
A comma would function better than a period between, "murder" and "A," methinks.
Alright, nitpicks aside, I actually enjoyed reading this. It was strangely refreshing, and I always enjoy seeing something new pop up on YWS! The tone did seem to work, although it feels rather ... detached, to tell you the truth. I think your style might be more memorable, or y'know, enticing. Connect with the reader, and invite them into your world. I do think you could elaborate a little in places, because your writing feels a little abrupt and choppy nearing the end. Allard kind of jumped in on us, and I couldn't really see the point in introducing such a new idea so late in the prologue. It's make more sense if you were to say something along the lines of: "We begin with my closest friend..." or something, since it would be a subtler introduction, and also easier to digest.
Overall, I really, really liked this, and do keep me updated whenever you post a new chapter! Keep writing! Keep it up!
Cheers, and I hope this helped~
~Pompadour
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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