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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

A Matter Unusual: Prologue

by Jared


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

This has been given a 16+ rating because of adult themes and subject matter, not because of overt swearing or sexual content. If I post later chapters, they will also have this rating (there will be more violence in later chapters).

Prologue

The seemingly perpetual Grover’s City of New York stood 30 miles from the next notable city, and another 120 miles from the next biggest city. It was a young city, the residents said, because its population was mostly composed of the younger generation. Its population stands at the time to be 100,000 individuals, mostly under the age of 18. Its school districts are massive, its hospitals are plagued daily with the accidents of the young.

If you lived in Grover’s City, you knew about a couple of important events. In 1935, the depression hit hard. If you were living in the City at the time, you weren't living very well unless you were a man named Mr. Grover, or A. Grover. He resurrected the town, as some like to say, so he got his name on it. Economic suffering was the least of the resident’s troubles, considering. Crime today in Grover’s is rare, but back then, there was plenty of motivation. In order to introduce you to the particulars, it’d be best to relay the rest directly.

People commit mistakes and blunders, of course. In the regular course of time, many people make an innumerable amount of mistakes. That’s what I’d like to call M. Holmes: a blunder. He was born from a neglectful father and a mother who left at a young age. Trouble was brewing then, you could say.

To start from the beginning, the age of 14 shall suffice. M. Holmes was quite a young man when he first showed any hints of later showings (I’ll get to those later, of course). He was unusually quiet, but also quite intelligent. Those around him called him a wanderer, or drifter. An accurate analysis.

So he wandered and he drifted for a couple of weeks during the summer. It only took a few days for the notice to be circulated, for when someone was missing in Grover’s, it spread quickly. The name was Jack something, can’t quite recall. People never suspected M. Holmes. I didn’t suspect he had it in him, to tell you the truth. He was an honest and straightforward guy. What a good guy.

So he floated around, this Holmes figure. Floating and not doing much for the first three days, until things got weird. He didn’t show up at school, he didn’t eat, and he didn’t respond to even casual conversation. Still, no one thought of him until it was too late.

As fate would have it, I lived to see him caught. After a few days of searching, they did find the body. By chance, as you might expect, it was in Holmes basement. Apparently, Holmes had a grudge against this boy and had delivered his own painful method of retribution, involving the use of various power tools.

Well, skipping over that, Holmes was arrested. See, his father might have been a drunk, but that was the point. All his days were spent in a drunken haze too thick for him to even properly manage a power tool. Holmes was only 14, so he was shipped off to some sort of school for behavioral issues. I shall get to the purpose of this story before you witness the horrors to come.

I would like to shed light on some awful things, say, to help Holmes. Holmes is dear to me. He is my everything; the light for me is only him. He is accessible, but inaccessible to me. Before I continue, it would be best if you knew. I am M. Holmes.

Don’t be worried. I will commit no lies, tell you no fictions. This is the story of me, straight and honest. You may not believe some of what I say. It might be hard to believe me. I was not myself when I did those things, honest. Just in case you have doubts, I shall have someone who also experienced my experiences in total narrate this for you. Before I do, introductions are necessary.

Allard Malcolm was perhaps my closest friend in my early years, and up until the murder. A quiet, introspective individual who was always willing to lend a helping hand. You may like him, even if you don’t like what he says. Let me guide you to the first chapter of my life.

Note

The first chapter will be released very soon. I've been sitting on this prologue for a while, deciding whether I wanted to go anywhere with it. Let's just say I'm testing the climate right now. If people want to see more of this, I'll release the first chapter. If not, I'll leave it at that. I'm relying on reviews and comments to determine whether I should continue.


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396 Reviews


Points: 27
Reviews: 396

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Tue May 27, 2014 8:26 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



Hey, Jared! Pompadour here to review this lovely piece for you~

Frankly speaking, I really think you could've just begun with the first chapter here instead of having a separate prologue. This might just be personal taste, but I'm not really fond of prologues myself -- unless they're necessary, of course, like in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings where a reader can't possibly be expected to survive the book without it. Anyhow, I think you've utilized your prologue to good purpose, "testing the climate" as you said. I do like the natural way with which you state things, and I also love that you've included "facts" to give backbone to this piece! I'm just going to cover the general nitpicks before I move on, okay?


The seemingly perpetual Grover’s City of New York stood 30 miles from the next notable city, and another 120 miles from the next biggest city. It was a young city, the residents said, because its population was mostly composed of the younger generation.


Just a suggestion here: consider writing out the numbers here; it gives your writing a more "approachable" look and is also less textbook-ish. "Stood" should be "stands" because the rest of the passage is in present-tense -- not in past-tense.

Also, the fact that you've used the word, "city" four times in just two sentences could look rather monotonous to the reader, and while I know there aren't exactly any synonyms/alternatives for that particular word (Have you tried metropolis?) you could shift the sentences around so it's not as noticeable.

Another thing that confused me was this: why do you call Grover's City "seemingly perpetual"? As far as I know, "perpetual" means "continuing; everlasting or ceaseless." So if it's a young city, how can you call it "everlasting"? Yes, you say it's seemingly everlasting, but how so? Is it because of the massive youth population which will be a great part of the workforce in the future, or because it's just well-developed and peaceful? I might be looking a bit too deep into this, but you might want to think about it, because it could trigger some serious thoughts within the reader. As I read on, I find that you have presented us with a reason for having called the city perpetual:

Crime today in Grover’s is rare...


But the thing is, it's like looking at two pieces of a jigsaw that are in the wrong places, and at the opposite ends of the table. What I mean to say is: your first statement (the one that talks about the city as being perpetual) was rather vague. All right. The reader shrugs it off, since it remains unexplained. And by the time he/she has reached the second paragraph, they've forgotten all about it.

Long story short: don't leave vague statements vague. Cause and effect. I'm not saying you have to include a long description explaining to your reader what you mean: a sentence, even a couple of words would suffice. It would even make sense if you cut out the "seemingly perpetual" and incorporated it into the second para, where you talk about crime being rare. I'm sorry if I'm rambling on about this, but it's all about completing those circles! You don't really want to confuse your reader; remember!

Erm, sorry I spent such a long time talking about that. Moving on...

Economic suffering was the least of the resident’s troubles, considering.


I think you mean residents' here?

This is the story of me, straight and honest.


This bit is a little clunky and doesn't really flow. Restructure it to say something like, "This is my story, straight and honest," maybe? Just a suggestion here!

I am M. Holmes.


Whoa. That was surprising. Quite possibly one of the bluntest -- and yet effective -- twists I've seen in this piece! And why do I feel like this M. Holmes bears a likeness to Artemis Fowl? O_O

He is my everything; the light for me is only him.


This is a bit... sappy. And nineteenth century-ish; it doesn't really go with the general tone of this piece.

Allard Malcolm was perhaps my closest friend in my early years, and up until the murder. A quiet, introspective individual who was always willing to lend a helping hand.


A comma would function better than a period between, "murder" and "A," methinks.

Alright, nitpicks aside, I actually enjoyed reading this. It was strangely refreshing, and I always enjoy seeing something new pop up on YWS! The tone did seem to work, although it feels rather ... detached, to tell you the truth. I think your style might be more memorable, or y'know, enticing. Connect with the reader, and invite them into your world. I do think you could elaborate a little in places, because your writing feels a little abrupt and choppy nearing the end. Allard kind of jumped in on us, and I couldn't really see the point in introducing such a new idea so late in the prologue. It's make more sense if you were to say something along the lines of: "We begin with my closest friend..." or something, since it would be a subtler introduction, and also easier to digest.

Overall, I really, really liked this, and do keep me updated whenever you post a new chapter! Keep writing! Keep it up!

Cheers, and I hope this helped~

~Pompadour




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28 Reviews


Points: 330
Reviews: 28

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Tue May 27, 2014 5:13 pm
truealpha wrote a review...



Well hello, I'm here to do a little Review. Try not to pay to much attention to possible mistakes in this review I'm doing this from a place where it's not to easy to type.

Well this is an interesting thing. It leaves a lot to the imagination with this. With parts like 'I wasn't myself when I did those thing' really makes me wonder/think. Murder is also a nice subject when writing about mystery so you're on the right track with this. Also you picked a nice name, I don't hear names like 'Holmes' to often. Seriously thought you were talking about sherlock.

I didn't really see any mistakes in Grammer or punctuation.

This looks good, I think you should keep going with thid





Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
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