Timmy here!!
Okay, I just noticed something!! All of this chapter has small references toward Jay not actually being a part of this world. He is just someone thrust into it, quite by accident, and never intended except quite possibly by something... I wonder how he got there, and what his purpose is. I suppose there is only one way to find out! Read onnnn...
The little instances where we are re-associated with the fact that Jay is part of Earth is just amazing, primarily the place where he is talking about something being cliché... That was just too perfect. Of course they don't know what cliché is! Poor people... Jay should explain it to them, and hope they understand. Anwho, I really liked that part, because not only did it remind us that Jay doesn't belong, but it also helps describe the scene, because the cliché overused scene is so familiar to us, we can already picture it in our heads. All we need are a few key details for you to cinch the scene perfectly--which you gave us!
Haven’t they ever seen a murder mystery film?
Is this thought of Jay, or is this simply part of the story? If it's thought, then you should place it in italics so It matches the rest of the thought process there. If not, then you need to change the tense so that it is no longer present tense, and becomes past tense to mirror the rest of the piece, and not stand out.
Redundancy
smile shone like the moon shining down on a crime scene
to the sun, the guards were gone. Fleta was beside him, blinking at the sun.
delicate hand was raised, it seemed almost nonchalant. It was the hand belonging to Cabot.
Unlike many people think, there is a difference between redundancy and repetition. Repetition is the repeating of something to make a point, build up suspense, maintain a flow--a litany of litanies of ways of doing that. Redundancy is the accidental (and sometimes purposeful) repeating of words for no apparent reason that don't add anything but jerkiness to the story.
So yeah. You probably already knew that, but I had to say it... You have a slight case of redundancy with the few little pieces I pulled out. I mean, they aren't a big deal at all, and some of them can be overlooked, but I think you should look them over and decide if you can exchange the words for something that means the same thing, but is an entirely different word.
This man acted superior even though he truly knew nothing.
Truly this man knew everything.
Contradictory, don't ya think?
As a final note, while I love the character of Cabot, and love the appearance you give us of him, I think he shouldn't have let them go, or shouldn't have decided to kill them--either way. It seems rather strange for anyone so meditated, calm and collected to decide to do something, and then call it off seconds after he sends the order. It doesn't seem his style to do things that way, unless he was hoping to freak them out and make them spill more beans than they already had. Just a thought. If you just excluded the small part where Jay and Fleta are going to be "killed", it would boost the chapter tons. That, in my opinion, is the only thing I really see wrong with this chapter plot and character wise. It really is an amazing chapter, and as Deanie says, it is definitely your best so far.
Keep up the amazing work!
~Darth Timmyjake
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