z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wool of the Prince-- Chapter 9

by Rook


Chapter 9

~1084 words

When Jay came to, he realized he was in the interrogation room of a movie director’s nightmare. It was all there, the dim lighting, the rope binding him to the chair, and the shadowy figure smoking a cigar across the table. Jay wouldn’t have been surprised to see a trench coat and fedora concealing the man’s identity, but instead there was a grin that shined even in the dark room, and a red cape…

It had to be Cabot. There was no mistaking his perfectly wind-blown hair. The cape that had seemed like it had been dyed the very soul of sunset now seemed to be blood red. Jay was disgusted. He had admired the grace and efficiency of Cabot, but a kidnapper he could not respect. Jay’s eyes were drawn to movement to his right. He spied Fleta’s silhouette struggling against the rope bonds.

“You’ll never get away with this,” she growled. Again, it struck Jay how oddly like the movies this was. Haven’t they ever seen a murder mystery film? No, they haven’t. They don’t have movies here. I can’t blame them for being cliché, he thought.

“Why are you doing this, Cabot?” Jay’s voice sounded more confident than he felt, more demanding than he could even pretend to be.

A low and disdainful laugh escaped from between the bars of Cabot’s pearly teeth. “Why does anyone do anything? To gain something.”

“And just what would you be gaining by capturing us?” Fleta said, mimicking Jay’s assertive voice.

“The world.” The voice seemed to take on the scythe-curve of its man. “Tell me children, how does one kill an immortal?” Fleta and Jay were silent. “Oh come now, what do you think? Take a stab in the dark.”

The room echoed “stab in the dark.” Jay felt the hairs on his neck rise like a platoon of soldiers. He spoke just to stop Cabot’s voice from reverberating any more through the room. “It is impossible to kill someone who can’t die.”

“Exactly!” Cabot pounded his fist into his hand, and Jay got a ridiculous image of a business man trying to sell his idea to a large corporation. “One cannot kill an immortal, merely imprison them forever. That is a fate much worse than death. But if an immortal can live without being captured, he is the most powerful man in the world. And no prison holds forever: rocks erode, metal rusts, magic wears out…” Cabot trailed off.

“But why are we here?” asked Fleta. “What do you want with us?”

“Have you ever seen a golden dagger gilded in jewels?” Cabot asked unpredictably.

Fleta shook her head, but Jay nodded. He had seen such daggers used as movie props.

Cabot looked wide-eyed at Jay, a hint of fear creeping into his expression. “Where?” he breathed.

“I’m not… this world isn’t my own. I saw a weapon like the one you described back in my home world.”

The fear in Cabot’s face intensified for a moment, the dropped away. “A world jumper then? Such things are rare.” He examined Jay closely. “ And what world would be your home world?”

“Er…” Jay looked to Fleta who shook her head.

“Earth you say?” Cabot asked slyly. Jay’s jaw fell open. “How did I know? You seem the type, with those… things you’re wearing.” Cabot gestured to Jay’s disheveled track pants. “This tells me much of what I need to know. Finally, who is the man you call Shep?”

Jay smiled to himself. If Cabot didn’t know who Shep was, he couldn’t know about his mission. This man acted superior even though he truly knew nothing.

“He’s just a wanderer who wants to see the wonders of Trevon,” Fleta offered.

Cabot’s smile widened. “Of course he is. And how many sheep is he up to now?”

Cold fear spiked through Jay. Truly this man knew everything. “Why did you ask if you already knew?”

“Sometimes a lie can tell you more about the person than the truth. What does it matter, he clearly hasn’t found them all. There is time, and while there is time, there is hope.” He laughed his cold laugh.

“Aren’t you just a font of wisdom,” muttered Fleta.

Cabot either didn’t hear or pretended not to. “I have no further use of you. Kill them!” The two figures that Jay had mistaken for statues started forward, both swinging battle axes that looked heavier than it was possible to lift. But then again, the guards looked bigger than it was possible to be. Jay closed his eyes and hoped that it would be over in one swing.

But then the lumbering footsteps halted. Jay peeked through one eye. A delicate hand was raised, it seemed almost nonchalant. It was the hand belonging to Cabot. There was a glint in his eye and his smile shone like the moon shining down on a crime scene. He spoke, “actually guards, I think it would be best if we let them live. You’ll hinder him more than help him, and you’re more likely to let a few secrets slip. Guards, if you would, escort them out.”

A blindfold was tied roughly around his head, and Jay was pushed roughly out of the room, down a hallway, up some stairs and into the warmth of the sun. Then he was pulled down a street, spun around, and deserted. By the time he got the blindfold off and his eyes had adjusted to the sun, the guards were gone. Fleta was beside him, blinking at the sun.

“It’s rising,” she said, the edge of panic creeping into her voice.

“Yeah… so?”

“When we were taken, it was sunset! We’ve been gone a long time.”

“That would explain why I’m so hungry.”

“Don’t you understand? Shep must be hysterical with worry!” Fleta was spinning around, trying to get her bearings. Nothing looked familiar. She couldn’t even tell which way the ocean was.

There was a shout somewhere down the street, “There they are!” Two sets of footsteps echoed off the buildings, and two familiar red faces came into view. “We’ve been lookin’ all over for the two of you!” Gilfred shouted, joy on his face.

“You in deep trouble for wandering away like that,” scolded Godfrey.

“We’ll explain, but can I get some food?” asked Jay, “And where’s Shep?”

“Back at the inn, but-“

“All in good time,” soothed Fleta, “Lead the way, I’ve had a rough start to my morning, and I’d like a good breakfast.”


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Tue Jul 29, 2014 1:23 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!!

Okay, I just noticed something!! All of this chapter has small references toward Jay not actually being a part of this world. He is just someone thrust into it, quite by accident, and never intended except quite possibly by something... I wonder how he got there, and what his purpose is. I suppose there is only one way to find out! Read onnnn...

The little instances where we are re-associated with the fact that Jay is part of Earth is just amazing, primarily the place where he is talking about something being cliché... That was just too perfect. Of course they don't know what cliché is! Poor people... Jay should explain it to them, and hope they understand. Anwho, I really liked that part, because not only did it remind us that Jay doesn't belong, but it also helps describe the scene, because the cliché overused scene is so familiar to us, we can already picture it in our heads. All we need are a few key details for you to cinch the scene perfectly--which you gave us!

Haven’t they ever seen a murder mystery film?


Is this thought of Jay, or is this simply part of the story? If it's thought, then you should place it in italics so It matches the rest of the thought process there. If not, then you need to change the tense so that it is no longer present tense, and becomes past tense to mirror the rest of the piece, and not stand out.

Redundancy

smile shone like the moon shining down on a crime scene


to the sun, the guards were gone. Fleta was beside him, blinking at the sun.


delicate hand was raised, it seemed almost nonchalant. It was the hand belonging to Cabot.


Unlike many people think, there is a difference between redundancy and repetition. Repetition is the repeating of something to make a point, build up suspense, maintain a flow--a litany of litanies of ways of doing that. Redundancy is the accidental (and sometimes purposeful) repeating of words for no apparent reason that don't add anything but jerkiness to the story.

So yeah. You probably already knew that, but I had to say it... :P You have a slight case of redundancy with the few little pieces I pulled out. I mean, they aren't a big deal at all, and some of them can be overlooked, but I think you should look them over and decide if you can exchange the words for something that means the same thing, but is an entirely different word.

This man acted superior even though he truly knew nothing.


Truly this man knew everything.


Contradictory, don't ya think? ;)

As a final note, while I love the character of Cabot, and love the appearance you give us of him, I think he shouldn't have let them go, or shouldn't have decided to kill them--either way. It seems rather strange for anyone so meditated, calm and collected to decide to do something, and then call it off seconds after he sends the order. It doesn't seem his style to do things that way, unless he was hoping to freak them out and make them spill more beans than they already had. Just a thought. If you just excluded the small part where Jay and Fleta are going to be "killed", it would boost the chapter tons. That, in my opinion, is the only thing I really see wrong with this chapter plot and character wise. It really is an amazing chapter, and as Deanie says, it is definitely your best so far. :)

Keep up the amazing work! :D
~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue Jun 03, 2014 12:23 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



I shall note as I read...

The cape that had seemed like it had been dyed the very soul of sunset now seemed to be blood red.

Beautiful!
I can’t blame them for being cliché

But can't we blame you for writing a cliche scene? Well, at least you admitted it! ;)
“One cannot kill an immortal, but they can merely imprison them forever.

Change above ^
Cabot looked wide-eyed at Jay, a hint of fear creeping into his expression. “Where?” he breathed.

I just love this :)
Jay closed his eyes and hoped that it would be over in one swing.

Ummmm... Jay doesn't seem brave enough to accept the fact that he was about to die so readily. I would think that he would at least struggle and fight for his life before deciding: "Ya, ok. I'm going to die. Hopefully it will be quick."
You’ll hinder him more than help him, and you’re more likely to let a few secrets slip.

This doesn't really make any logical sense.....
and two familiar red faces came into view.

Add a comma after "familiar." I think.
joy on his face.

"his face joyful" is better.
“You in deep trouble

Did you mean to leave out the "r?"
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. Cabot was very well characterized although I don't understand at all why he freed them with such ease. Great job!




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Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:22 pm



Didn't find anything wrong with with. Good grammar, nice spelling, punctuation.

However, you did use roughly twice.


Keep writing! I look forward to seeing the tenth chapter.

(Sorry for stalking so long and never reviewing).

Cheers,

~Swiftfur




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Thu May 29, 2014 6:51 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Fortis~

Here to read the last installment so far. I have to say, this chapter is next to perfect once again! You've made Cabot out to be the perfect villain, and I love what you said about his cape. The description of him and the situation in the first couple of paragraphs were brilliant and then the conversation that followed was perfectly eerie. Just what the chapter needed :) I think this one is my favourite so far!

My only problem was: if Cabot knows everything about them, like guessing that Jay was from earth and knows about the sheep as well, why did he even capture them in the first place? Don't mention what he might gain because that would be the villain revealing his plan as some stories often go. But maybe what he gains from this session alone. Perhaps he was just checking to make sure what he suspected was actually justified, and that was the point of the capture. I just want to make sure there is a valid reason.

Also, why let them go? It just lets them know Cabot is on to them and that they need to watch out. Also, he has revealed quite a lot of information as well... if I were him I wouldn't be letting them live at all. I'd rather they escaped this once somehow. Maybe he kept them in imprisonment and they found a way out? Why does he need secrets to slip? I am so confused. I guess I will find out in future chapters?

Yes, that is one thing; make sure you message me on my wall or something to let me know when a new chapter of this out! I want to stick with it ;) And keep up with the competition :D

Deanie x




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Thu May 29, 2014 9:25 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Ah, the villain is here, just like you promised. And may I say that he is one interesting fellow.

he realized he was in the interrogation room of a movie director’s nightmare.

The only thing missing is a cat sitting in Cabot's lap that he can pet while he talks xD

The two figures that Jay had mistaken for statues started forward,

So I think his is more of a personal preference than anything else. But when you say 'the' at the beginning of this sentence, it suggests that he saw the statues before. But he hasn't mentioned them before. I was a bit confused, looking back in the chapter to see where they had been mentioned before. But there was nothing. I think a better way to bring up these figures is to have Jay notice them out of the corner of his eye while Cabot is talking. Just so there'll be a little something that we have to go off of instead of just throwing these statues in there. I mean, you've described the rest of the interrogation room, why not add just a bit more detail?

So overall this novel is really starting to get going. Not that it wasn't before, but it's really picking up now. Up to this point we've just been following Jay and Shep and Fleta around this world. Now the villain has been introduced which creates that great opposition that will no doubt cause troubles for the travelers.

I think your villain is quite good. He definitely has that ominous feeling about him. He seems just as evil as you're trying to portray him. I do find it quite odd though that he changes his mind so quickly about killing Jay and Fleta. I would've expected him to mull it over and bit more and debate whether he needed them alive or dead. *shrugs* Maybe he's just not a mulling person.

One more thing before I go. It's about Cabot. There are a few times when he guesses what Jay is holding back from him and he guesses the right answer. Like when Jay didn't tell him about Earth or about Shep and the sheep. I find that very interesting. I'm trying to figure out how he can do this. The explanation about the track pants makes sense to me, but he doesn't really say how he knows about Shep and the sheep. I'd really like to know how/why he knows so much, but I know that we'll find out in later chapters. I guess I'll just have to be patient.

Okay so I lied. There's one more thing I'm going to comment on before I go. From what I've read so far, Shep is the kind of man who would go out and do things for himself. He's the one that found the sheep and he put it upon himself to find them all and save them. He's the one that makes sure that Jay knows all about the world he's now in. He's the one that is leading their little journey here. So why wasn't he out there looking for Jay and Fleta? I feel like he wouldn't settle for the trolls heading out to search. It just doesn't seem like him. I can't wait to hear his excuse for not looking.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Wed May 28, 2014 6:09 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Jay wouldn’t have been surprised to see a trench coat and fedora concealing the man’s identity, but instead there was a grin that shined even in the dark room, and a red cape…

It had to be Cabot. There was no mistaking his perfectly wind-blown hair. The cape that had seemed like it had been dyed the very soul of sunset now seemed to be blood red. Jay was disgusted. He had admired the grace and efficiency of Cabot, but a kidnapper he could not respect. Jay’s eyes were drawn to movement to his right. He spied Fleta’s silhouette struggling against the rope bonds.
Great descriptions. Absolutely wonderful.

Lots of tension in this chapter. I like it:) Although I do feel the whole crisis was solved too quickly, easily, and neatly.





It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney