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Young Writers Society


12+ Language Mature Content

Unstable: Chapter Two

by ElectraHeart, Ibounce


The wedding may have been called off but they still had the reception, though there was nothing to celebrate about. The Forday’s and their guests had already left, Ashley had a wet and very red face. I had to stifle a laugh as she had gotten into her families limousine, practically screaming.

I walked around the outdoor grounds of the palace, surveying the many types of food that were strategically placed on the tables. I picked up a small plate and placed a few strawberries onto it. I walked over to a bench at the edge of the grounds and bit into one of the berries. Part of me wished the reception would never end and I could stay here eating strawberries for the rest of my life. I remembered I had told Tate I would call him when I got the chance. I finished up eating and walked into the palace. I went upstairs to the bathrooms, hoping maybe I’d run into Emerson but also praying I wouldn’t. I walked in and shut the door, pulling my phone out as I did so and called Tate.

The rings seemed that they would never end but finally he picked up. “Hey Lizzy, I saw the wedding. The non-brides face was pretty hilarious when Prince Charming said he didn’t want to marry her.”

I forced out a laugh. “Yeah, I know.” But I didn’t see her face, my eyes were on Emerson. “She was practically screaming when her family and herself went to leave.”

Tate snorted on the other end. “It’’s because she’s spoiled rotten, now she’ll probably never get to marry the prince. Boohoo, so sad for her.” The sarcasm was heavy in his voice. “I’ll feel bad for who ever marries him.”

“Why?” I asked him.

“Because, he’s a prince. He won’t have time for his wife, he’ll be too busy running a country. She’ll have to put up with him all the time.” He paused for a breath. “But in the other hand she’s lucky, not having to worry about money or food.”

“I never thought about that.” There came a knock on the door. “Tate, I need to go. I’ll call you back later.” I hung up and hurried over to the door, putting my phone away. I swung open the door and took a step forward quickly.

A grunt was let out and I backed away. “Oh my, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” The person lifted their face and I immediately recognized him. I had an urge to run away as quickly as possible.

“Good lord Elizabeth, could I not just go to use the bathroom in peace?” Emerson grimaced in amusement.

“Why didn’t you marry her?” The words fell out of my mouth a little more aggressive then meant.

He scoffed. “I do not get to choose who I marry. That girl was my Father’s choice. She is the Princess of Carolina. I’d rather not marry a snotty girl who thinks she knows everything telling me how to run my country when I become king. I get to choose now, though. Teach my father to pick who I shall marry.”

“Who do you want to marry?”

“I’m not sure. She wouldn’t already be a princess though.”

“Why?”

“Just don’t like the idea of marrying royalty. Would, uh…”

“Would I like to?”

“Could I show you around the palace?”

“Are you allowed to do that?” I squeaked out.

“Well, not really, but I think I can make an exception.” He winked and put my hand in his. “Come on. I’ll show you the bedrooms.” He ran up the steps, dragging me along. I had an urge to laugh, so I did. Emerson stopped on the steps and faced me. “What is funny?”

“Nothing, nothing.” I couldn’t suppress the giggles that were inside of me, waiting to break out. He looked down and smiled.

“I like your shoes.” I laughed harder at that as he began dragging me up the stairs once again. We got too a floor and he dragged me down several hallways. “This is a guest room.”

I gasped as he opened the door. The walls were white, like the outside of the palace. The bed was pushed too the back of the wall in the middle with sea foam green and white bedding. Silky curtains fell over a huge window against the far side of the room, and a huge closet with its doors wide open. “It’s beautiful.” I breathed in the scent of the room, it smelled like a tropical island.

“I know. Come on. I want to show you my room, I think you’ll like.” He shut the door as I walked out. He grabbed my hand again and led me down more hallways. I wondered how he never got lost. “Here we are.” He opened the door and dragged me into the room. It looked like the last room but everything was bigger and there were extra things in the room.

Emerson walked over to a bench sitting at the end of the bed and took of his shoes. “Do you like it?” He asked.

“Of course, it’s amazing.” I smiled as I looked around the room.

“Lay with me.” He patted the bed and scooted over, laying down on one side of the bed leaving the other empty.

“What’s it like living in a palace?” I said as I placed my body down on the bed next to his.

“Lonely. I have no one to talk too. No one to joke around with and share secrets with.” He gave a wry smile.

“Out there, it's not too great either.” I said pointing outside the window. “I have a friend. His names Tate. I used to be friends with most of the girls, but then they decided I was too weird to hang around.”

“Those girls are missing out. I bet you're really fun from what I've seen.”

“Thank you, Prince Emerson.” For a moment, I remembered when my mother told me stories about how Montana used to be a part of the states, but then dispersed itself from them and they voted for someone to become the king. He then picked his wife and wed her. From then on the prince or princess would usually marry another prince or princess from another country. Her mother never seemed to know as of why they got rid of the states, making them into countries.

“Any time Lady Elizabeth.” Emersons eyes get thin as he smiles. A bell goes off in the air and the smile disappears. “Shit.” He threw on his shoes and before I knew it I was in his arms and he was running down the hallways.

“What are you doing? What's going on?” I'm sure I looked frightened.

“Someones attacking the palace, we got too get too a safe chamber.” He ran down the stairs faster than I’ve seen anybody go before. “We shouldn’t be there long.”

“Wait, my parents!” I shouted as we entered a dark room with no lights.

“They should be fine. You must not be loud, though.” Emerson put me down and I kind of missed the feeling of his arms around me, but he grabbed my hand and led me over too a cot in the corner of the room. “It should all be over soon.”ˇ

“What’s the best thing about being royalty?” I whispered quietly.

“The palace. It’s so big and wonderful, filled with trinkets and treasures. And oh, the rooms. There is a room for everything. Theres a hall dedicated to being a library and a whole wing dedicated to make a hospital.” He smiled. “It’s late, you should get some sleep.”

♔ ♔ ♔

I awoke with blurry vision and a pounding head. I sat up and stretched on the cot and could make out Emerson talking too a man, the door too the chamber was opened and light had flooded in. The man pointed to me and Emerson turned around.

“Morning, Lady Elizabeth.” Emerson had a look in his eyes that screamed “somethings wrong

."

“Goodmorning.” I croaked out, wiping the sleep from my eyes. “Whats going on?”

“I have some news.” I could tell from his eyes that this news was not the good kind.

“Yes?” I smoothed out my hair as I asked.

“It seems your parents have been taken captive by the attackers.” He walked over to me and slipped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in close. I started to cry. Sure, my parents and I weren’t that close, but they were still my parents

. “I’m sorry, this happens sometimes not often though. They target innocent civilians.”


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32 Reviews


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Reviews: 32

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Sun Jun 01, 2014 6:00 pm
Swiftfurthewarrior wrote a review...



Hey there! I really liked this story. The characters were great, the setting painted a picture in the reader's mind, and the plot twist was totally unexpected.

However, there were a few grammatical mistakes.


"It"s because she's spoiled rotten, now she'll probably never get to marry the prince. Boohoo, so sad for her."

1: The quotation marks in It's. Also, you probably shouldn't have the apostrophe there.
2: Period after rotten, capitalize now.

3: Excessive use of dragging. Try dictionary.com and click on thesaurus. It should help.


The bed was pushed too the back of the wall in the middle with sea foam green and white bedding. Silky curtains fell over a huge window, and a huge closet with it's doors wide open.

1: too-to.
2: Also, how could it be pushed to the back of the wall in the middle? Do you mean from the middle of the room?
3: huge closet- large closet.
4: Silky curtains were draped over the closet? I'm confused.


"I know. Come on. I want to show you my room. I think you'll like."

1: Comma after "Come on".
2: Try removing, "I think you'll like".

"I have a friend. His names Tate."

1: names-name is.


"Any time Lady Elizabeth."

1: Comma after time.


"Someones attacking the palace, we got too get too a safe chamber."

1: Someones-Someone is-or-Someone's.
2:Period after palace, capitalize we.
3: we-we've.
4:too-to.


Emerson had a look in his eyes that screamed "something wrong"

1: Try removing the quotation marks.

"Whats going on?"

1: Whats-What's.

I could tell from his eyes that this news was not the good kind.

1: Try removing 'from his eyes'.


"I'm sorry, this happens sometimes but not often though. They target innocent civillians."

1: Period after sorry, capitalize this.
2: Comma or period after sometimes.
3: Try removing 'but'.
4: If you do put a period after sometimes, place a comma after often.


Hope this helps. :)

Cheers,

~Swiftfur




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187 Reviews


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Reviews: 187

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Sun May 25, 2014 1:17 pm
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Hey! Even though it's no longer in the green room, I thought I'd review your work. Sorry I couldn't review it last night! :/ So, like I said, I'm loving your plot line! However (I know, I already said this) it just seems to be moving so fast! Especially the relationship between Elizabeth and Emerson. I mean, it seems like they're already best friends! But anyway, the only grammar error I noticed was every time you said "to" you put "too" instead. Whoops! I know that's so easy to do. Your formatting was pretty good, and I'm liking the story a lot! Let me know when you post more!




ElectraHeart says...


Haha, will do. As for the to and too, I use google drives and I messed it up so every time I type "to" it changes to "too" and I have no idea which one to use. XD



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Sun May 25, 2014 10:46 am
deleted5 wrote a review...



Alex here to review your chapter for the red team!!! :D
First off I have not read the first chapter so it may not be totally accurate this review but hey, a review is a review! :3
I really like the main characters personality! She seems very funny and has a few random traits like that she wishes she could just eat strawberries forever (Me to :3). You have done a very good job developing over characters like Tate and Ashley however Emerson I feel is still a bit too two dimensional although I'm sure he will develop more as the story progresses.
You very good sensory details to describe the settings which let me visualize the scene very well! Phrases like:

I breathed in the scent of the room, it smelled like a tropical island.
Were very good!
Not much wrong with this! I checked over a few times and only a few nitpicks which everyone else covered pretty well! Good job!




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39 Reviews


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Reviews: 39

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Sun May 25, 2014 2:47 am
Jared wrote a review...



Jared here, with a review.

First, nitpicking.

Parts in brackets are the offenders (additions are also in brackets).

The wedding may have been called off but they still had the reception, though there was nothing to celebrate about.

Oddly phrased. Perhaps change to: "The wedding was called off, but they still had the reception. Despite this, there was nothing to celebrate at all."

The Fordays and their guests had already left [,] Ashley had a wet and very red face.

Rephrase to: "The Fordays and their guests had already left, and Ashley had left with a wet and very red face."

I walked around the [outdoor] grounds of the palace

[Outdoor] is unnecessary, as saying the "grounds" implies that you're outside of the place.


I picked up a small plate and placed a few strawberries [onto] it.

Change [onto] to [on]. It's more proper that way.

Part of me wished the reception would never end and I could stay here eating strawberries for the rest of my life. I remembered I had told Tate I would call him when I got the chance...

I assume you wanted to connect these, so: "Part of me wished the reception would never end and I could stay here eating strawberries for the rest of my life, [but] I remembered I had told Tate I would call him when I got the chance..."

I walked in and shut the door, pulling my phone out as I did so [,] and called Tate.

Add comma in brackets.

...the rings seemed [that] they would never end but finally he picked up.

[That] to [like].

Now for some analysis and praise. I detracted areas of the of your work from critique if it was apparent that it was a result of Google Drive mishap.

Overall, there's a clear plot going on here, which is better than no plot at all. Despite many grammar errors, I have to say, this was an interesting read for me. I won't lie though, there were many errors that I didn't note because they were simply repeats of earlier errors.

Here's a tip about sentence structure. When reviewing your work, read it upside down or backwards. It's much easier that way when editing to spot those pesky little sentence oddities that occur. For instance, read this backwards: "This weirdly formatted structure of a sentence is odd." It may be evident this is poorly written forwards, but if you're reading your own work, it's likely you might skip over something like this. Now personally, if possible, I would suggest reading upside down, because it's harder to spot the errors backwards. (Unless they're really prominent grammar mishaps.)

Also, make sure to ensure that your sentences are properly wrapped up. Meaning, don't end sentences abruptly without finishing the thoughts (sentences are commonly thought of as complete thoughts). Keep this in mind.

Overall, you did well. But as always, there are improvements to be made.




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Sat May 24, 2014 4:27 pm
ElectraHeart says...



Some of this got messed up while copy and pasting from google drives.






Ohhhhh, I see. Good job, though.




I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney