z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Blind - Chapter 16

by WillowPaw1


I hugged and hugged Mousse when I came home. He smelled beautiful and his fur was tangled like it usually was.

"Oh, I missed you." I told him softly. Mousse made a sound between a whimper and grunt in reply, and I smiled and squeezed him.

"Thanks, Mrs. Greene," I heard Mother say. I was somewhere in the living room, and I'm guessing they were in the hall or kitchen.

I ignored the last bit of what they were saying, then called Mousse to follow me as I made my way up to my room.

•••

The rest of summer went faster than I thought. Usually it goes by much more quickly, but maybe I was having more fun than previous years? After all, time flies when you're having fun.

Just a week before school started, Jason said at dinner, "At the sports camp I went to—" he swallowed, "—they showed me this game."

I rolled my eyes and was ready to tune out, until I heard him say, "You would love it Ember."

"It's called Goal Ball or something of that sort. And guess what? It's a sport only for blind people!" He chuckled at that part. I frowned.

"Well, at camp we got to actually try it. It's pretty cool. They blind folded us. On each team there are three people, two guards of your goal and a front person. Basically, there's this big, heavy ball with a bell in it. You just try and keep the ball away from your goal."

I thought it was a pretty bad explanation. "Yeah, so, how do you get around?"

"Oh, I forgot that part." He said, while I scooped more mushrooms and greens into my mouth.

"So, there is the thick piece of tape that is in a straight line, from wall the wall, horizontal if you're facing the other person's goal. You can feel that tape and follow it. There's like a wire or something in the tape."

"Wow." It actually sounded amazing. A game, just for people who are blind? I might try that sometime.

Mother and Father hadn't said anything, nor had Sheila. I sat there uncomfortably. I wonder if Jason just made that whole thing up.

•••

That week of summer didn't go quickly. I didn't want school to come. But eventually it did. Well, the day before school started came, and I was completely anxious.

*Goal Ball is something real. You can look it up on YouTube if you want.*


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Mon Jun 02, 2014 2:20 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

He did something between a whimper and grunt in reply

I think it would work better if you said Mousse 'made a sound somewhere between' instead of saying 'he did something'. Saying he did something makes it sound like he actually did something. Which he didn't, he just made a sound.

Everyone below me already mentioned everything, so I'm just going to tell you how I feel about this chapter.

I think it's so cute :) In a good way of course. I like how you showed the emotions that Ember is feeling when she's reunited with Mousse. It's such a short scene, but it really shows a lot. I think it's because you set it all up in earlier chapters. You did a good job developing the relationship between Ember and her dog. It's adorable, really.

The thing about Goal Ball is really interesting. I think it's sweet that Jason was explaining this game to Ember. They obviously have their differences and everything, but he still cares enough to talk about a game that Ember could play. Even if it's fake, which I'm not sure what to believe about it, it's still a nice sentiment.

Alright, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




WillowPaw1 says...


Thank you! :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 1:03 am
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Hello, CesareBorggia here for a review,

Happy Review Day!

I love how you try as best as you can to be descriptive when the MC is blind. It's cool.

He did something between a whimper and grunt in reply, and I smiled and squeezed him.


The and after the comma should be an as.

"It's called Goal Ball or something of that sort. And guess what? It's a sport only for blind people!" He chuckled at that part. I frowned.

"Well, at camp we got to actually try it. It's pretty cool. They blind folded us. On each team there are three people, two guards of your goal and a front person. Basically, there's this big, heavy ball with a bell in it. You just try and keep the ball away from your goal."


I feel at this point that Jason is taunting Ember, and it's kind of mean.

*Goal Ball is something real. You can look it up on YouTube if you want.*


I'm going to Youtube as we speak.

This was really good. Good job and keep writing.
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks!



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Sun May 25, 2014 1:00 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Willow. ^^

They blind folded us.


Blindfolded is one word.

two guards of your goal


Change of to for and this sentence will make so much more sense.

"Oh, I forgot that part." He said,


The period should be a comma and he should be lowercased. Also, unnecessary comma.

there is the thick piece of tape that is in a straight line,


The >> this

I sat there uncomfortably. I wonder if Jason just made that whole thing up.


You can easily combine these two sentences into one.



Okay so you did time skip! Hurrah. Now we can finally get to the schooling. Took us long enough to get here. >_>

I feel like the ending was abrupt. It seemed like a short way to end this chapter. I know you're anxious to get to the schooling part of the novel but slow down a little. At least give us a bit more to digest at the end. I mean, you tell us she's nervous. Okay. I don't want you to tell me, I want you to show me. Describe to me the butterflies in her stomach, her thoughts, her clammy palms, her talks with her parents (if any). Describe to me how she preps for the beginning of the school year and how she prepares and what she does to prepare. Talk about Mousse. I mean, her mother should've figured out by now whether she can take Mousse or not. And by that, I mean that the school has to let her take her dog with her, so Ember will be thrilled to hear that.

There's nothing wrong with showing us the preparation for school. Rather, it keeps the story interesting and realistic.

I look forward to seeing how her first day in a real school goes! I forget -- did you ever say what grade she was in? I suppose we'll see in the next chapter anyways, so no worries. Good luck, Ember. ^^

~Iggy




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks! :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 12:00 am
Zontafer wrote a review...



Hello! Zontafer here to give you my first review of Review Day! ^^

Nitpicks

I ignored the last bit of what they were saying then called Mousse to follow me as I made my way up to my room.

Hm... Comma before then or replace then with and.

Content
I want to focus more on the content in this review, so I'll start right now. ^^
At first, I was skeptical like Ember, wondering if this Goal Ball was real, until I saw your note at the end. Just a quick note; I googled it and it seems like 'Goal Ball' is written in one word, 'Goalball'.

This is just getting more and more interesting, haha. I can't wait to see how Ember will do at school, and how it'll go if she starts playing goalball.

I'm not sure if it's just me, or if this chapter is shorter than usual. I think you could try to extend it a bit more. I found it very strange that no one else spoke except for Ember and Jason during the dinner. I would have expected her mother or perhaps Sheila encouraging Ember to try it out.

I hope this helped some, and remember to tell me when your next chapter is out! :p

- Zontafer




WillowPaw1 says...


Thanks! Actually, like I think its more for adults than kids but maybe I can incorporate it. Thanks again!




An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
— LadyBug