Published May 23, 2014
First attempt at a sonnet! Formatting went south.
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It breaks foam
as it dashes against the rocks.
Far it roams,
seeking to drench her little frock.
"No!" Screeches the flying gull,
as his precious clams are swept away.
Was he not a little dull,
not to see the frock being swept away?
A hand reached up, grasping at thin air.
Did he not hear the gurgling cries for help?
Perhaps a little wisp of red hair,
which bobbed the surface like a strand of kelp.
It sunk below the surface,
and we never saw her face.
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Hi there Pies! Nite here to offer a review for the exchange.
Overall, I really like this. It's not a true sonnet, but it follows the rhyme scheme, and you have some great imagery.
This part feels somewhat strained to me with the double rhyming of away. I would either replace one of the aways or change the rhyme entirely. I also don't really like the repeat of frock. Maybe "dress" or even "figure" to indicate the whole person?
I echo Hannah's confusion about it. Always listen to Hannah lol. In the end, "It" seems to refer to the red hair, but it's less clear in the beginning. The ocean? Normal waves? A tsunami? I would state it at some point.
Also, surface and face don't rhyme in my accent (standard American), but that may not be true for you.
Overall, this is a really good for a first attempt at a sonnet! It's a challenging form, but you used the imagery really well. Keep writing!
Thir number of things I have to do now on YWS! Let's hope I remember this! Thanks a lot!
Hey, CesareBorgia, here for a review.
This is for the poetry exchange. I've never written or read a sonnet before, so this is very unique. In fact, I don't even know what a sonnet is. Don't judge.
The use of the word, surface, here is kind of repetive, it destroys the mood.
That's really the only nitpick I have. This poem is very good. Your writing style is very articulate, and unique, and I look foreword for more of your works.
Sorry for the short review.
Best of luck in writing,
CesareBorgia,
signing out.
MY FRIEND HELLO~
I am here to rescue your sonnet from the depths of the green room and enjoy it while I'm here~
But the big question on my mind is "What is IT"? There are two moments in this poem where you mention "it": the beginning and the end. And neither times do I understand what it's referring to. Is this on purpose? I remember my favorite writing teacher telling me that "it" and "that" are the most dangerous words because they are so ambiguous. You have to, more often than not, actually define what you're referring to for your reader to understand. And I know that this is a poem, so you maybe want to keep some things hidden, but "it" also features as the bookends of the poem, so it's clear it's somewhat significant, and now I feel like I missed what you intended to communicate.
In any case, it's mostly okay because I'm left with awesome concrete imagery of a seagull (favorite bird), the clams, the hair, the kelp, the hand, etc. I'd only like to know how this girl could have gotten into the water in the first place. Right now you've written an isolated scene with a girl somehow drowning in deep water, the seagull out there by the rocks, but we have no before and no after, so it's pleasant imagery while we read, but not very lasting. Is the key in the "it"? D:
I hope these thoughts of mine will help you edit your poem to your liking!
If you have questions or comments, PM me or reply to this review.
Good luck and keep writing~
Hmm I never noticed the ambiguity of it. I will have to fix it soon my friend! Thank you very much!
Well, hello there. Small review time for me, and I hope something here will be helpful.
To start off with, I really like the imagery; I think you've done a great job of setting a beach-like scene, with a girl standing at the water's edge - which then leaves the reader open to interpretation of lines and what they mean, as well as what the scene holds. So that's lovely.
Second, formatting-shmormatting (that so didn't work as I hoped it would) - I think you did quite well at a sonnet attempt; 14 lines, no specific rhyme scheme, but you added one which is lovely, and about ten syllables per line. Sonnet-wise, you're golden.
The only small issues I had was some of the ways you worded it, which I guess can be limited by the amount of syllables given, but I think you have done mostly alright with what you've been given. I think you should, if you were to repeat this poem, not use the same word twice as a noun. For instance, your use of the word 'frock'. It worked very well with the first use, but in such a small space, it gives off a 'repeating yourself' attitude, which doesn't help the poem. Instead, try works such as 'dress', or 'girl' if you want another meaning added.
The only other issue I came around to were the lines 'Was he not a little dull, not to see the frock being swept away?'. This sentence, although lovely, doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem, and although mentions both child and seagull, just doesn't really fit. It also repeats 'frock' and 'swept away' very close to the last uses. As an alternative (because I don't like it when people criticise and don't give any help), I would maybe say(bear with me): 'he then flew close to the little girl's skull, sending her crinkly mane into array'. That's just an example, but you get the idea? Right? Hopefully?
So, yes - very nice try at a sonnet, and I would love to see more of them. Just maybe work a little more on not repeating yourself and using synonyms of different words to help you out! Well done and keep writing!