"Hey Raina, you awake over there? It's your turn." Marana, my bowling partner, calls to me. Her dyed-gold hair sways as she heads in my direction. I stand up and walk over, then grab a bowling ball. It knocks over seven out of ten. She gives me a high-five, and i return it.
"Oh hey, the government is putting together a Hunger Games. Supposedly, no-one will be killed, but they could still be injured for life." She tells me, green eyes thoughtful.
"How'd you learn that?" I ask her, a little surprised. But not really. Marana is always telling me this stuff, because I don't have a TV and don't buy newspapers. It's a big problem for me.
"Oh, just shut up! So, are you gonna volunteer? The reaping is later today.And oh, yeah! If it turns out well, they might do one that is for the whole US of A!" she tells me.
"Well, I don't really see a point in volunteering if no-one is supposed to die. But I guess anything could happen, so, maybe. And why did you wait so long to tell me?" I ask, pulling my reddish hair into a braid.
"Because you were to busy mourning your father since it was his birthday." she says, glancing at the ground.
"Fine." I reply. The bowling game over, we leave.
"Can you come over and do my hair?" Marana asks me, because I can do just about any hair-do. I nod, and we head downtown to her apartment.
*****
"Wait, why are they doing these 'Hunger Games', anyway?" I ask her, pulling her hair through a hair-thingy. Taking the two braids I've already made, I twist them together and hang them down her back.
"Well, I heard it was for population control, but I'm not sure." she tells me. I finish her hair and we leave for the town square.
*********
Three Hours Later
"Now we shall commence the reaping for the first ever California state wide Hunger Games!!" The mayor of our town says happily. She sticks her hand in the girl's ball and pulls out a slip of paper. My tongue is dry and my palms are sweaty as I await the name.
"Sara Nicolsone!" She chirps happily. I lurch forward. She called my cousin's name? No that can't be right! I step forward, thinking fast. I can't let her go, because she's pregnant. And with twins, too. Sara might lose the babies if she goes, even if she did survive.
"No! I volunteer" I yell. A little kid pulls on my braid as I pass them. I then walk up the steps to the platform, everyone's eyes on me. The mayor plunges her hand into the boy's ball.
"Zeke Cranum!" She tells us in a supremely happy voice.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
I am a big fan of The Hunger Games and I take it you are to. I really liked the fact that you made it your own. I would think about using a little more details in your story so that people can better follow along. I had to re-read it just to make sure that I didn't miss anything because I got lost along the way. At first I didn't understand how they went from bowling to the Hunger Games. You should really add a in between it will make your story that more enjoyable.
Something I would like to say is that if this is going to be the actual start of a novel, there should be more background information. Everything is happening a little to quickly, so I suggest to separate it out and add more details. We should get to know the character a little more before jumping into the action. Don't throw everything into this chapter at once. Set the tone and let the readers know the thoughts of the protagonist.
Keep writing
~Cindy
Okay, I have a problem here. I'm trying to help clear out the Green Room but Milanimo said pretty much everything I wanted to say. Um, here goes, anyway.
'"NO! I volunteer" I yell,' - there should be a comma before the second speech marks.
'I step for ward' - I'd presume that's a typo but I'm trying to get as much out of this review as I can so 'forward' is one word
'It's your turn." Marana, my bowling partner, calls to me' - you don't need that full stop before the speech marks. A comma would work.
'My name Is Raina' - I'm all for random capitalisation in messaging but I'm sure this must be a mistake?
'It is seven out of ten.' - I'd say it 'hits' seven out of ten or it 'knocks down' seven out of ten.
'Hunger Games!!"' - only one exclamation mark is required - or grammatically correct.
'the girls ball and pulls out a sip of paper' - 'the girls' ball' and 'a slip of paper'.
Also, I feel like this is perhaps a parody on the hunger games - or maybe this is how it all began. Anyway, I'm excited by it and like Lost, I have a feeling this isn't the best this version can be.
Well done
Hello there. It's Jared, with another review.
First, nitpicks:
Before I start on your first paragraph, you should know:
It's cluttered. That's the best way to put it. You're putting up too much information in too short of a time. Typically, you should let your first paragraph just roll without too much information. The information you give out in your first paragraph could have been spread out over many paragraphs.
If I were you, I would take each point of information you gave in the first paragraph and distribute it out through dialogue and other purely informational paragraphs.
The [Is] doesn't have to be uppercase, I'm assuming that's just a typo.
This part is really devoid of personality. You're simply stating actions, you should add more details. For instance, without becoming purple prose, simply describe the bowling alley or even how Marana looks. Tell us a little about her and give her some personality. Also, that [i] should be uppercase.
I'm assuming you meant "slip" not "sip".
Maybe rephrase to: "My tongue is dry and my palms are sweaty as I wait for the name to be revealed."
Two things. There should be a comma after "No" and forward is one word.
You don't need to capitalize the letters of "No" to signify that your protagonist is yelling. That's what the exclamation point is for.
Praise and deeper analysis
So, as this is a fan fiction, I can't really praise you for originality. You didn't exactly change much up, except for the location, characters, and some minor things. I believe you're on a good start here, if you put more effort into detail and creating a dynamic and complex plot.
There you go. I hope this helps. Keep on writing!
I'm going to add more on this, actually (I accidentally made a second review, I might as well fill it up properly). I'll start with the fact that this shouldn't be an actual chapter. It would be more suited as a prologue.
Here's my tips:
Create dynamic characters
It seems like you want this to be a full-fledged novel, so you should know one of the key aspects of a good novel is dynamic characters (characters that change). If your character starts with a certain personality, especially if they're the protagonist, they should end up in a different state of mind.
Your plot should move away from typical Hunger Games
Even though this is a fanfiction and should inherit some parts from the original, you should move away from the exact plot occurrences and make it your own. How about there isn't a reaping? You could change that. Change the parameters of the Hunger Games for dramatic effect. That's always fun.
Edit! Edit! Edit!
It's crucial to cut and chop your work out until what's left is pure awesomeness. That's why you should belt out a whole bunch of text, and then do the editing. Once you get down to the bare bones, you'll realize exactly what you need.
The possibility of an origin story
One way to move away from the original story is to make this an origin story. Even though the location is different, let's say that this wasn't the first actual hunger games, but where the idea actually came from. Perhaps the original creators of the first hunger games looked through old history files and came across this.
There, I've had my say. Hope this helps.
I can't write too much about this, since it's quite short, but I definitely think a 'safe' hunger games set in the real world could be interesting. There'd definitely be enough people who would want to be a part of it, but the logistics would be difficult. How would the authorities make sure no-one got hurt? I feel like this sort of event would make more sense if it wasn't set up by schools, since it seems not to have much to do with school.
We don't know anything about what sort of a person Raina is, and I would like to find out, so if you redraft this I would recommend you show us more about Raina's character. That would also show us why she volunteered. It doesn't seem to make much sense for her to be worried about her cousins safety if it's a 'safe' games. That's if she was, indeed, worried about her safety. You'd do well to make Raina's motives clearer.
Your grammar and spelling seems fine to me, so you're well equipped if you want to continue this and expand upon why Raina did what she did. I hope you do, and I look forward to it.
Hello!
Your first paragraph is what I call a data dump. It's when you insert a bunch of information all at once. This overwhelms the reader and also sounds very unprofessional. Try embedding this throughout the work, through dialogue and actions. Have the character read a newspaper or something that makes the information drop sound casual. Really just don't do it all at once.
"and i" Capitalize the "i".
Also, was there a point to the beginning besides the dump? It's very off putting to just have a random scene where the character thinks of something that is irrelevant to the situation.
In addition, the scene skip is too abrupt. You need to use some sort of detail to get into the scene. Try talking about sensory detail. The sweaty smell of here crowd, the roars and jeers, the undulation as the person is pushed to and fro as they look up to see the mayor. Just try to be more specific.
"NO!" The capitalization is unprofessional and a simple exclamation can will suffice.
That's really it. Good job!
I have a feeling this is a draft