Shove

Hmm. Interesting. I don't know if I'm putting an incorrect meaning to these words because of my own personal experiences lately, but the way I'm interpreting this is about an eating disorder, because of the subtle hints like the thin lining of the stomach, of course the bow around the mouth. Especially laughing with my face/ the debris...

But maybe it's just full of stomach and mouth imagery because words come out of mouths, too, and we're always fighting with demons of words.

Hmm, in any case, I feel like one consistent change could potentially make this poem a lot easier for readers to access and pull emotion from, and that would be to avoid using the word "it". I know. It's an easy word. It can be ambiguous. It can talk about something without naming it, and poetry likes being sneaky, right? But at the same time, it takes away the potential for us to fully understand the situation that you're presenting, and you have enough subtle, calm, solid imagery, that I think a little more clarification of the situation would clear up confusion and lead us to your side, lead us to owning the emotion of this poem a little more. You can tell us how the speaker of the poem feels, but we won't engage until we can take those feelings as our own, and how can we if we don't have a point of reference?

That's basically my only suggestion. You write solid lines. Your diction is not pretentious; it's clear. I'd like to see what this poem would look like with the reveal of the subject material to see if we'd both still like it then.

I hope these thoughts are helpful for you!
PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments~
Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah

Hey Jony!

Wow, I freaking love the imagery, and your way with words. I actually had to look two of them up! <slightly embarrassing> okay so I'm going to translate the poem to see if I understood it, correct me if you wanted a different picture/idea.

First stanza: you're putting away something, must be your flaws, since you mentioned them in the last stanza, but I did think it was your demons at first. They aren't meant to be hidden, turning you fake and your body is rejecting that by tearing you apart.

Second stanza: your see yourself breaking from the original roots that you once had. Plastering untrue gestures like smiles and even those are painful, but you can't help it; or almost, you want it to happen.

Third stanza: these demons have spread to every part of your body, leaving your heart for last. And once they strike it, death is in the air. But nobody knows that you're gone.

Fourth stanza: you are asking for the help that you've always needed. You need someone to come a hear the bell so they can fix what's broken inside of you.

Fifth stanza: you're giving them instructions on how they can repair you, taking out the demons and covering up the wounds. See, it's the very last line of this stanza that I didn't get. While reading the poem (I know my whole translation was based on the idea that you were talking about flaws) I wasn't expecting that sort of ending. I loved how you said to tie a bow around your mouth. But the only thing I would change in the last line is that you wouldn't shove "them" back down, referring to your demons. Because if you were too, it would imply that you actually adored the pain even if they killed you and turned you black.

Just my idea, that's all. Not forcing you to change it. I do like this poem, it's very personal.

Keep expressing <3

-Percybeth