Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Insanity. That is the feeling that rises up as thoughts of what those horrid kids had done to her slip into her mind. A burning sensation is felt in the place of her heart. Without thinking, or even realizing her actions, she grabs a knife. Her imagination wanders as thoughts of what she could do fill her head. She feels a need to know what it would be like to slash open the necks of those horrid kids. She imagines the blood splattering the walls, staining her clothes in crimson, and everything else in its way. She imagines the sound of their helpless screams filling the air, as her knife connects with their skin. She imagines herself laughing hysterically, as if maddened by the blood. Her imagination shows her gutting the kids, making sure to take out all the intestines and organs and decorate the room, as if to make it merrier. As they take their last breaths, she would whisper, " Now you go sleep." and rip out the still beating hearts. Her face is no ordinary face. Besides the blood of her victims, she has a smile carved into her cheeks, her skin is leathery, and her eyes, wide open from both madness, and the fact that she had burned them off completely. The fact is, this look fits her, for she is a killer. A killer of the night. Then, suddenly, her mind returns to reality and, as she is putting the knife back, she has a thought. One day, it will not be just her imagination, it will be reality. Just then, she gives off an insane smile, thinking of the day her dream will come true.
a.r.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this was...intense..shall we say. This character definitely seems to be bordering on the insane if not completely insane, cause those are some very disturbing thoughts at any rate, certainly doesn't seem like the sort of thing that a person would just suddenly think about themselves without any kind of horrible incident happening.
At any rate, that twist at the ending was a pretty welcome one there, to see that this person at least wasn't actively doing any of those horrendous things, but is only having dreams about committing all those horrible acts, which is not exactly a proper consolation but its better than imagining those things actually happening. And well, those acts are certainly described in some properly gory detail here, wow, that can't have been easy to write there. You've definitely gone into some proper detail about the worst possible way that someone could commit a murder. And the fact that the targets in this case appear to be children of course just makes it a hundred times worse. Its just a very powerful and raw description that you've created there. The kind of thing that these kids could've possibly done to warrant a fate that horrible is certainly something very interesting to think about. Phew.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
okay, you've really scared me here... this is really intense... I think that's what you were going for
I have a few little comments to give you, one being that you refer to her "victims" as "those horrid kids" twice within a relatively short space. I know there are actually a good few lines between the phrases, but I still thought it seemed a tiny bit repetitive, maybe you could change one of them.
Another thing is that you say she burnt her eyes off completely? Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here, but the image of her having burnt her eyes out seems both implausible and taking things way too far. Up until that point the focus has been entirely on her fury, then this is mentioned and as a reader I instantly have this very gruesome picture in my mind, which fits the subject very well, but I feel like this is something which should either be more of the main focus of the story, or not mentioned at all. It does add to her insanity, but it detracts from the anger...
well that's how I felt anyway... I hope that's helpful.
Best Wishes.
Hi, it's Cessy, here for a review,
This was a really good short story, and don't think I'm being biased because we're friends. This was a really good story. It's short, but I still like it.
Whoa... whoa. The only thing wrong here is that it's too much "she" at the beginning of each sentence.
At this point, you should have started a new paragraph, because the person was speaking.
This was a good line. Really good.
This was a really good ending!
I look foreword to more of your works.
But for now, Bye Olesea,
Cessy,
signing out.
Hai punkpanda, Laure here for a brief review! So this is a short story about the girl's thoughts on suicide, a rather dark subject to write about but that's your choice. The imagery you have created here are rather vivid and perhaps disturbing in some ways, but I can tolerate a lot of things. One of the feelings I got while reading this story was that very artificial horror to it.
I'm not an expert in horror, but this horror feels as if to me you've specifically created and fabricated this to scare the readers. Outlining how she would kill the parents, describing the blood and the feelings. To me, is very obvious you're doing this on purpose but what you should really be aiming is to create a natural fear and horror that creeps up on the readers subconsciously because that will stay with them.
Perhaps it is intended this way, but you have also narrated this piece.
See, how you're telling us that a burning sensation is felt. Well, that's not terribly accurate is it, in a genre like this you want outline exactly what the MC feelings. A burning sensation, how hot is it? Is it anger, or is it hatred? Is it blazing hatred tinged with revenge or is it something? Use figurative language, show don't tell!
So, we've basically read a story how a girl is thinking of the various ways she could torture or kill people with. Interesting, no, it really is. I consider myself a master at thinking up creative ways to kill people. But don't tell anyone that, you could probably expand this story out a lot more to. This feels like the bone of something, I mean it has potential in it but this feels like a plot synopsis than an actual story.
Well, hope I wasn't too harsh. Enjoy your day.
-Laure
hey there, Elinor here for a review.
i liked this, i really did. But since this is a review, i'll have to elaborate more.
the insanity and madness here seemed so real and was described so vividly it was as if i were in her place (believe me, i felt like that before...). It was entrancing, bewitching even. and the fact that you have written an interesting story about a girl merely holding a knife is impressive. I congratulate you.
Hello there! First and foremost, welcome to YWS!
So, Dreamy here to review your horror filled work. It was a good start and a hopeful end. You gave me everything that a horror story would give. It was short (not that I'm complaining), precise and to the point. Though, I would appreciate a few description on the girl's appearance, since it's all her "will/character" that you have exposed. The more description would allow your readers to know your character more closely/intimately. I found a very minor nitpick, let me point it out for you.
Here, though "what she could do" gives us a enough information of what you meant. It still felt incomplete, unless you intended it to. Make use of adjectives, since your MC has this uncontrollable desire to kill kids. Make your readers understand her stance and her pain. Other than that, this was a cool story! I liked it! Keep up the good job!
Keep writing!
Cheers!