z

Young Writers Society


12+

The children who brought anarchy, destruction, and freedom: Prolog

by wretchednot, Sam


Thursday:

I walked down the school hallways passing other students on my way to my last class of the day.

"Ughh..." I groaned annoyed running a hand through my brown locks.

Honestly I'd rather be walking the whole time in this prison than go home.

This place is too strict like the rest of this city.

If your late to any class your in detention the rest if day, you only get four minutes to go to get to class and go to the bathroom since the teachers don't want you wasting their time asking.

Not to mention the discipline rules.

Failure to comply to them will get you sent home or out of campus.

Like the boy who was sent home for having gum in his mouth during class.

Not like it's a first.

I made it to my classroom and sat down.

Groups of students wearing types of clothing were talking and chatting away, the teacher at her desk at the front of the class.

I smiled to myself a bit.

The only upside I find about this school is this class and the algebra teacher Ms. Mary.

She was one of nicest teachers and the students in here weren't half bad either.

And the other side is the dress code. We can practically dress however we want.

BEEP.

BEEEP.

Rung the"bell".

Everyone promptly sat in their desks.

I sat in the empty back which wasn't too far back so I could still hear the lessons.

"Okay then". Said Ms.Mary getting up from her desk and walking to the head of the class.

She was wearing her usual attire of a yellow and white stripped sweater and brown pants with her blonde hair in a bun.

"Alright class today's going to be an easy day just review for the upcoming test we'll be having on Monday and tomorrow we'll on a worksheet".

She said smiling to the rows of students.

Then came a knock at the door.

Ms.Mary walked to the door to answer it.

"Yes?" She asked opening the door.

"You have a new student." Said a gruff voice.

"Oh! Okay I'll take it from here." She said pulling the new one in and closing the door.

She then walked to the front with new one. A girl from her appearance and petite figure.

"Alright class we have a new student today!" The teacher said cheery.

She turned to girl.

"And could you please tell us your name dear?' She asked sweetly.

The girl looked to the students with a confused face which turned to a nervous one.

"Cala." She said shyly.

"Hello Cala." Said the students in unison.

The girls eyes widend then she smiled.

"Okay were just reviewing today and I don't really do a seating chart so sit where you like." She said.

"Okay." Replied the girl.

She walked down my row until she took the seat next to me.

"Now back to work feel free to work with a partner but keep your voices down." She said she before walking to her desk and typing away in her computer and the class started chatting.

I turned my head to the girl and got a good look at her.

She wore a dark blue hoodie and purple shorts with matching shoes.

She had her jet black hair braided into a ponytail.

And a pink backpack beside her on the floor.

She was looking around the classroom for a moment then turned her head to me.

I quickly looked the other direction.

"Hehe..." She giggled.

"No need to be shy dude." She said.

I looked back to her feeling my face red.

She had deep green eyes that seemed to pierce right through me.

"Sorry..." I said weakly.

"No need to be. What's your name if you don't mind ke asking?" She asked.

"Lucas....Lucas Stone." I answered.

"Lucas Stone...sounds tough!" She exclamied.

"Well ." She said putting her arm out."

"Nice to meet you Mr . Stone." She said smiling.

I smiled a bit.

I took her arm and shook it.

"Nice to meet you to Ms....uh..." I said not knowing her full name.

Her smile grew.

"Cala, Cala Mitty".


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 365
Reviews: 13

Donate
Tue May 20, 2014 2:37 pm
notresponsible wrote a review...



Hello this is notresponsible sending in a review!

Your idea of a story about children creating anarchy leaves a few questions to be answered.
Questions like:

How old are they? When I hear children and anarchy I think 6-12 led by a teenager.
If they are in that age group it's going to be pretty difficult for any kind of destruction and anarchy. It just seems unlikely.

Why does it seem like Lucas is the only person upset? He seemed to complain a lot about the school yet it seems like nobody else cares (however, there wasn't any interaction between Lucas and any other student so maybe I'm just being impatient.)

I do like that your story is about revolt. I am interested in how this story will unfold. I look forward to reading you story.

Cala seems like she is going to be a fan favorite.

I have some ideas if you get stuck and need any help.




User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 1326
Reviews: 12

Donate
Tue May 20, 2014 10:47 am
Elinor565 wrote a review...



hi, Elinor here for a review.
First off, i found this prologue rather doubtful. The fact that it is set in a school does not make me as a reader very intrigued. So far the storyline is cliche and i've seen it endless times: the handsome guy meets a shy pretty new girl and he cant stop staring.
Otherwise, its not that bad. The writing style is okay, as is the grammer.




User avatar
382 Reviews


Points: 15691
Reviews: 382

Donate
Mon May 19, 2014 1:52 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hello there!

Dreamy here! You got a good start for a short story. It's actually new to see a prologue for a short story, in the first place. But hey, you nailed it. I liked it very much. It was a good start and a good end for a prologue. I already can't wait to read the rest of the story. I agree with Bloodink here, it did feel like a script but it's all good. There were few nit picks. Let me show you a few,

If your late to any class your in detention the rest if day, you only get four minutes to go to get to class and go to the bathroom since the teachers don't want you wasting their time asking.


If you're late to any class, you'd be in detention the rest of the day. And you get only for minutes to go to your class and to the bathroom within the minute, since the teachers don't want you to waste their time by asking for permissions. Better, yes?

And there were few places where it felt like you need to edit/proofread. If you do that, it'll be good to go. ;) Good luck with the story.

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




User avatar
530 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 530

Donate
Mon May 19, 2014 7:20 am
Renard wrote a review...



Hey

I can see that this is a collaborative short story, the weird thing is, is that it looks more like a script, the way it is set out. That's not a bad thing, but I can see that your writing is primarily motivated by dialogue. Such as here:
'"Yes?" She asked opening the door.

"You have a new student." Said a gruff voice.

"Oh! Okay I'll take it from here." She said pulling the new one in and closing the door.'

And even when there isn't dialogue, you get this feeling there is because of the very short sentences you use in your writing (again, not a bad thing)
Here is just one example of this: 'The girls eyes widend then she smiled.'

Ooh, typo there: "widened" it should be.

Interesting idea, but I think it needs some more development. Some proofreading is definitely needed here; and generally, just some editing of ideas.
Keep writing. :)



Random avatar
wretchednot says...


Thanks. And I'll take your advice honestly when I was writing I felt like I was rough drafting the whole thing.




It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James