z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Imaginary Friends - 1: Mercy

by BellaRoma


Mercy

I thought back to my earliest recollections of Mercy. They stuck like damp clothes, vivid to say the least. The passage of time had made our encounter seem no less extraordinary to me. In all honesty I really didn’t know how to describe what occurred. It just was what it was.

Dwarfed by the reading chair, I took in another picture book, once again seated in a corner by myself. You can imagine my surprise when my thoughts were interrupted all of a sudden. “You like people in books so much. Why do you never interact with real people?” 

No one had spoken to me in that way before. The aggressive tone of the words made this voice, so uncannily like my own, sound nothing like mine at the same time. 

“Wanna play?” This time it wasn’t so harsh, more playfully curious.

“Sure”, I said aloud, looking nowhere in particular. A quick glance around the room showed no one close enough to be conversing with me, so my first reaction was to clamp my hand over my mouth, as if I’d said something I shouldn’t. Technically I had.

Hey stupid, I’m talking to you!” she persisted. 

 ‘But you’re in my head’, I thought, ‘so actually you’re not.’ This made no sense and it obviously scared me. Everyone knows voices are a bad sign.

'Can we get one thing straight? I am just as real as you are’, she defended. ‘By the way I’m Mercy’, she added, as an afterthought.

Mercy sniggered. ‘You were so freaked’, she teased, knowing full well she was right.

Sifting back through memories, I tried to find an equally startling event. As it happened something did come to mind. I hadn’t thought of it in a while but nothing else came close.

I stepped inside as the door slammed behind me. I jumped at the noise, feeling sure I hadn't meant to slam the door. Today Mercy was seething with boiling, overwhelming rage which ricocheted in my brain like a bullet. My cheeks burned hotter the more annoyed she got. The metaphorical bullet gained momentum and shot to and fro with increasing speed, its feverish pace winding up tension until BANG!

Seconds after the mental jolt, once I was thinking clearly again, I began to think up a course of action. I concentrated on breathing deeply and trying to calm myself but, out of the blue, everything came into laser focus. Now I realised that I had lost all sensation right down to my toes; I reached out and felt nothing at all. It was like all the nerves and connections in my body had ceased functioning. Like being in the passenger seat of a car, I was aware of my surroundings, just not in control. A moment passed for it to click, all the anger Mercy had built up had overpowered me and propelled her to the fore.

Uh oh! I began panicking as Mercy made her way towards the living room, conviction in every step she took with my feet. I flinched as she stormed into the living room, intent on taking it all out on something. Her eyes flew to the Christmas tree in the corner, merrily lighting up the salmon pink wallpaper.

‘What are you doing? Calm down’, I pleaded as a tone of urgency entered my voice. ‘This doesn’t just have consequences for you.’  Mercy couldn’t be reasoned with.

‘Don’t care’, she huffed as she climbed upon the sofa. Before I knew what she was doing it was too late, and with an almighty shove the tree toppled. Trying not to look didn’t keep out the clamour of jangling bells and shattering glass decorations that resounded as the tree hit the ground. Promptly the stairs began creaking, signifying footfalls and the presence of my mother.

"Layla? What in the world?” she began as she rounded the corner. She was just as speechless as I was, dumbfounded by the utter carnage before her. 

 Satisfied, Mercy let go of her ire with a sigh and settled back to a slightly more sedate condition. With her self-control restored, I was able to regain mine soon enough but still had to tentatively wiggle my fingers just to be sure. That was enough for now.

Since then I had been a bit more mindful, not wanting a repeat of the Christmas tree incident. It was official; Mercy was more than just a voice.

‘And, Layla’, she remarked, ‘don't you forget it'

‘Well, I didn’t know that was possible with you reading my every thought’, I retorted indignantly, for if Mercy was anything she was irritating. I wouldn’t forget that.

The situation reminded me of the overlap between radio stations, when the frequencies get too close. You know; static and white noise dipping in and out as the signals run over each other. Just generally unpleasant to the ear. Whenever Mercy spoke the frequency got interrupted and distorted until all that could be heard was us speaking over each other. This unsurprisingly meant nothing got through. 

This relationship both fascinated and thrilled me, yet I never shook the feeling that there was something sinister beneath it all. I was not normal like other people. I was broken. That night, after Mercy first showed herself, I cried in fear of a descent into madness and the collateral damage I might cause. What would my loved ones say?

‘No one would take my word for it even if I wanted to tell’, I reminded Mercy.

At five years old I had no idea how my secret would become my downfall, no idea of such a thing as rock bottom. Not that that would’ve helped, nothing could have prepared me for the twisted fate that did befall me.

Aged seven I thought I had a good handle on it all, but all it took was one costly mistake and game over. Infuriatingly, I was unable to even defend myself, for I truly had no clue what had occurred in this one most important of moments. Suspicions only grew when I refused to say anything, the whole incident shrouded in doubt and mistrust. Ever since then I have been trying to remember the one thing I didn’t know about myself.

If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
177 Reviews


Points: 1093
Reviews: 177

Donate
Sun Jun 28, 2015 9:05 pm
View Likes
Chaser wrote a review...



You already have seventeen reviews...here, have another!

I like the tone throughout this piece. It really sounds like an intelligent person is talking to themselves. The damp clothes simile was brilliant, by the way, and was able to set the right mood early on. The same with the radio static comparison. There's only one kink, where you said "increasing speed," which felt too mundane in my opinion.
The flow was excellent too, only broken in a few places that I'll go over now.

"Why do you never interact with other people?" Mercy seems like a playful and childish (but nonetheless dangerous) spirit, and this line stuck out to me. It simply sounds too old for her. I would've rephrased it as "Why don't you ever," or something of that nature, which sounds a little strange. The word "interact" sounds odd as well, as I doubt Layla herself would've known it at her young age.
You repeat "living room." You probably shouldn't.
You said that she "was not normal like other people." It's inherent that other people are "normal," right? So one of those phrases will have to go.
When you begin your sentences with a phrase, you need to separate it from the rest of the sentence with a comma. You do this often, but forgot in a few places. "As it happened," "Today," "Since then," "Whenever Mercy spoke," "At five years old," "Aged seven," and "Ever since then" were the ones that I could spot. If it seems like too many commas, I'd suggest working your way around them.

Overall, this was an interesting read. It's got an original concept and characters that both frighten and fascinate me. Guess I'll read the rest now. Cheers.


-Chaser




User avatar
152 Reviews


Points: 1303
Reviews: 152

Donate
Sun Jun 21, 2015 2:36 pm
View Likes
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



So I wasn't going to review this one because you already have 16 people who reviewed it, but hey one more can't hurt right. Especially if I pick up on so more stuff right??
So at the beginning.

The passage of time had made our encounter seem no less extraordinary to me.

Here. To me, with no and less beside each other, in the same sentence. It just seems....With both of them in there, I feel like there's too many words. Like when I read, I don't want to have to read a line over again to make sure that sounds right.
You could either use no or less or unextraordinary. --That's a word right?? Because my computer's saying it's not, but I've heard and read it being used before.

After the line where Mercy introduces herself--make sure you enter before the next line. As in that line and the line after that aren't spaced like the other paragraphs. With a space in between them.

Sifting back through memories, I tried to find an equally startling event.

"...starting event." You put startling. Simply slip of the fingers while typing.

I began panicking as Mercy made her way towards the living room, conviction in every step she took with my feet.

I feel like here, instead of the comma you should have a semi-colon.

Dang you, what's the one thing she's trying to remember? See, look what you did. Filled my mind with questions and wonder. Dang Nabbit, you and your writing skills to capture the readers and then you turn away from us at the end, just to leave us handing and wanted more. You should be ashamed.......and proud.

-Sharrae out, tottles. - On to the next one.




BellaRoma says...


"Startling", as in shocking or peculiar in some way.



ChimeraMania says...


Ah okay, got ya. Thanks for the clear up on that part.



User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 3131
Reviews: 39

Donate
Sun May 03, 2015 3:04 pm
View Likes
bloodybelle01 says...



I like your ending and your vocabulary (it makes for a wonderful read)! What do you mean with '(chapter somewhere near the beginning)' in the title? That confused me a bit...




BellaRoma says...


I wasn't sure if I was going to add other chapters around this. Thanks a lot for reading, though :)





Ah, I see. And it was my pleasure :)



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 702
Reviews: 7

Donate
Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:55 pm
MoonlitDream57 wrote a review...



I very much like your concept for this story! The introduction was woven together quite nicely. I like the fact that Layla, the protagonist, is telling the reader who Mercy is by recollection of her memories. This dilemma that Layla is experiencing makes me question whether or not everything is real, and I like that! It draws people in. Following with the "imaginary/sinister" tone isn't easy to do; readers can get confused and fed up with it.

I think fabricated this piece well, but I only have a few comments. I've caught several places where punctuation was needed(such as a comma, the quotation marks and such). I wasn't sure where Layla was--or how old she was--while she was recalling those memories. Was she sitting in her house, as an adult where Mercy is no longer existing? I just think it should have been clearer, but maybe being vague was intentional--I don't know.

Overall, I like this and I'm interested in reading the rest you have to offer.




User avatar
91 Reviews


Points: 1931
Reviews: 91

Donate
Sun Oct 26, 2014 8:27 pm
View Likes
Redbox275 wrote a review...



The thing that stuck out to me the most is the premise. I am interested to see if it's a Laya descending into some strange uncontrol madness or if Mercy is real. I love the descriptions, similies, and metephors. Although the only beef I have with this story is that I did see some puncuation mistakes that you probably fixed.

Good work and I am going to read more!




User avatar
175 Reviews


Points: 15167
Reviews: 175

Donate
Tue Sep 02, 2014 8:11 pm
View Likes
Harker wrote a review...



Hello, BellaRoma! This piece is a great start to any book, except for a few flaws:

1. As some have mentioned before, your dialogue can be a bit unrealistic and carry on a bit. However, you incorporated the speaking seamlessly into the story.

2. Although you have a great voice as a writer, it was a little hard to understand because you didn't always use the correct punctuation, especially with the quotation marks.

3. You use some complex words in this story where they're not needed, creating 'clutter'. Clutter also makes the story harder to read.

Overall, great story--I can't wait to read the other chapters!




User avatar


Points: 730
Reviews: 3

Donate
Tue Sep 02, 2014 2:33 am
View Likes
I3ubbles wrote a review...



review :D

Hi there! I want to start off by saying this was very good. I loved the way you wrote the words. In my mind all of them just kind of flowed together. Great Job on that! You had great description as well. I found it well written. I am not that good at grammar so this will be a shorter review. I did not find any negatives except that some words I think were repeated more than once. If you look back over it i'm sure you will find them. Besides that keep writing because you have great potential.

~cassie~




User avatar


Points: 404
Reviews: 2

Donate
Tue Sep 02, 2014 1:54 am
View Likes
AutumnKayArden wrote a review...



Hello, Bella! I must start out by saying that you really are a brilliant author. You started out well and I can relate to Layla. You have only a few spelling issues (very few) and other than that, you're doing really well!
I found Layla's train of thought when she was considering her new relationship with Mercy and the power that she had over her. It definitely adds to Layla's character.
I can definitely relate to Layla. I have trust issues as well. I also have somewhat of a similar experience of Mercy's appearance and Layla's reaction.
This chapter was really great and I can't wait to read more! Keep up the great writing!
-AKA out-




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:27 am
View Likes
Deanie says...



Hey Bella!

Yes, I will review the other chapters but not this one. You've had so much great feedback, I wouldn't know what to say! I will just keep reading and hopefully I can be more useful in the next chapter.

Deanie x




BellaRoma says...


Okay. Thanks.



User avatar
233 Reviews


Points: 19633
Reviews: 233

Donate
Tue Jul 29, 2014 5:17 pm
View Likes
Cithara wrote a review...



Writer here! You wanted a review, so you've got one ;)
I went ahead and skipped part 2, even though it's first...why is that? If I skipped part 2, does that affect the story? Anyway, I'll go through nitpicks first, then praise, and then plot, etc.
Let's get started!
Also, I didn't read other reviews, so I might be repeating stuff
Imma do spoilers like Royal, just because i have a lot to say.

Spoiler! :
I thought back to my earliest recollections of Mercy, they stuck like damp clothes; vivid to say the least.

So this sentence is punctuated oddly.
Maybe reword it like this: I though back to my earliest recollections of Mercy. They stuck like damp clothes; vivid, to say the least. You can always use short sentences to spice up your writing.

In all honesty I really didn’t know how to describe what occurred, it just was what it was.

Comma after "honesty", and semicolon instead of comma after "occurred"

Dwarfed by the reading chair, I took in another picture book,

I'm not sure "took in" is the right phrase here when talking about an object. You took in the book? Please clarify what you mean here >.<
Dwarfed by the reading chair, I took out another picture book I dunno, only a suggestion

Why do you never interact with real people?”

I dunno, but I think "Why don't you ever interact with real people?" makes it easier to read, because I missed "never" >.< and though it was "why do you ever..." but that's only a suggestion, because I'm an oblivious child.

The aggressive way the words were spoken made this voice,

I'm not liking "aggressive way"... perhaps "The aggressive tone made this voice, so uncannily like my own, sound nothing like mine at the same time." Therefore you can avoid being wordy in the sentence.

A quick glance around the room showed no-one close enough to be conversing with me so my first reaction was to clamp my hand over my mouth, as if I’d said something I shouldn’t.

Run-on alert! Break it up into a few sentences...
A quick glance around the room showed no one close to talk with, so my first reaction was to clamp my hand over my mouth. (not sure how to incorporate the last part)
Merhh...it's a little wordy...so work on that.
Also, this sentence makes no sense to me...why is she acting like that? It's kind of freaking me out XD

Everyone knows voices are a bad sign.

Voices? Which voices? Real voices, head voices...be specific here
Ohhh now I know why she's looking around the room XD

As it happened something did come to mind, I hadn’t thought of it in a while but nothing else came close.

This sentence is worded awkwardly...
As it happened, something came to mind. I hadn't though of it in a while, and nothing else came close.
Something like that. I suggest you work on making this less wordy.

I felt sure I hadn’t meant to do that, hence why I jumped at the noise.

This is another awkwardly worded sentence >.< "hence" doesn't feel right here:
I felt sure I hadn't meant to do that, because I jumped at the noise in surprise. Again, just an example of how I think it could be better worded. :)

Seconds after the mental jolt, once I was thinking clearly again, I began to think up a course of action.

Slight repetition here. Just be careful when it's in the same sentence. I would fix that.

Her eyes flew to the christmas tree in the corner, merrily lighting up the salmon pink wallpaper.

Christmas should be capitalized

She was just as speechless as I was, dumbfounded by the utter carnage before her.

You already say she's speechless. Saying us then that she is dumbfounded is redundancy and wordy. You need to work on these wordy sentences! Break them up into two sentences at least, to avoid lengthy sentences that go on and on XD

I was not normal like other people, I was broken.

Semicolon instead of a comma

Aged seven I thought I had a good handle on it all but all it took was one costly mistake and game over.

"Aged seven" starting the sentence isn't all too good. I would start it:
"When I was seven, I thought I had a good handles on it all, but if one costly mistake was made, game over." Not only does it start a little bit better, but it makes it less wordy. :)


Plot
I really like where this is going! The beginning is marvelous, and I like the flashbacks. You give us a good idea of who Layla is and where she stands in this situation. However, the way you introduced Mercy was a little vague, because I seriously thought at first that she was talking to a human. and that when Layla looked around to find no one there, she was just alone with the other human >.< So maybe make that clearer?
Also in one flashback, you have it in past tense...and then in another flashback, it's in present tense.
Also:
That was enough for now.
[/quote] the ending to this present tense flashback felt forced, like you wanted to move on with the story. I think the sentence is unnecessary.

I would work on comma placement, definitely. All commas should be in the quotes. Also a lot of the sentences were very long and wordy. Break them up or take out extra words.
That's all for now! I'll go backwards >.< and read part 2. Great idea, by the way!




BellaRoma says...


What do you mean backwards? Part 2 is second.



BellaRoma says...


Thank you for reviewing.
I was told that the comma could go inside or outside of the quotes, so I just stuck with what I knew. Outside is how I learned it. I'm sorry if it doesn't look right to you.



Thewriter13 says...


Ah well when I look at the Related Items bar, part 2 comes first.
And stick with what you know :) inside is just how I learned



BellaRoma says...


That's okay. You're from the US right? I get that it's often done the other way.
Don't worry about the numbering, I promise it's in numerical order. XD
See you ( hopefully) next chapter.



Thewriter13 says...


I am from the US, and I had no idea it was done differently XD I'll try and get to the second chapter today :D



BellaRoma says...


Yay! I'm from England (explains the misunderstanding).
I have told everyone that I also plan to do a major rework of this at some point. Don't worry for now, though.
Hope you enjoy.



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sat Jul 26, 2014 5:47 pm
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Hey there, Roma,

I'm sorry this took so long for me to get to, but, as I told you in chat, my time has been completely occupied with my marksmanship team. But! I'm home now, so I'll give you those reviews you've been waiting for so patiently. :)

So, my style tends to be giving general nitpicks/comments as I read through a story, with a very short, fairly pitiful summary at the end with my general thoughts-- because I tend to be absolutely rotten at generalizing. Okay? Okay, cool.

I like the way you start the story. It's just mysterious enough to get me interested, and want to keep reading. Well done.

The exchange between Mercy and your MC I'm not sure I like so much... I don't quite know what I didn't like about it. I guess it just felt a bit too stiff and unrealistic. Maybe slow down the conversation a bit? Include more thoughts/descriptions/actions as you go, and make her more hesitant to have a voice in her head? I dunno. :P

I do like the second flashback, with Mercy taking over Layla's body. I'm in a SB right now where a person has a sort of split personality like this, and both there and here it's a fantastic idea to read about. I like Layla pleading with her imaginary 'friend', too. Very nicely done.

If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?
~ I really like your ending sentence. It has a strong impact, and is just beautifully written. :)
~

Okay! This is a nice start to your story, and an enjoyable read. I'm interested to know where you take this, and will be moving on to your next chapter hopefully very soon. c:

~Shady 8)




BellaRoma says...


Okay, thanks.
Next chapter things get worse. You know that 'incident' Layla mentioned...



User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 939
Reviews: 109

Donate
Fri Jul 25, 2014 3:49 pm
MargoSeuss wrote a review...



Hi, Bellaroma. Finally, I, MS, Have come to review.

This is an interesting opening, a flashback within a flashback. It would seem the slanted text is for flashbacks and the regular text is for the present. I like that. The idea of a story about imaginary friends is both unique and intriguing. Props for your original thought. The only thing it reminds me of is a cartoon I used to watch as a kid called "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends." Your description is tremendous and the length of this is perfect.

I'm not sure if there are a few spots where you had a typo or if I just wasn't familiar with the word you used.

"Mercy had built up had overpowered me and propelled her to the fore." I'm thinking the word 'fore' may be something I'm just not familiar with. Still, I have to ask, did you mean 'floor?' Also, what is an ire? Is Mercy simply a voice in Layla's head, or can Layla see Mercy as well? I'm pretty sure the answer is she is just a voice, but I sort of always imagined 'imaginary friends' to take on a physical form that only the child could see. Why is Mercy so angry? Is that just the way she is? Perhaps there is a reason that will later be answered?

I suppose I will have to keep reading to find out! Off to a good start, here! I'll continue to read on your behalf!




BellaRoma says...


BellaRoma's Rough Definitions (how I used them)

Ire= Anger (as in irate)
Fore= The front, ahead of others
To answer your question. Mercy is a sort of alter ego, another personality without a physical form. I think I made her angry to get across how emotional she is; it may make sense later on.
Finally, thanks for reviewing.



User avatar
184 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 184

Donate
Mon Jul 14, 2014 2:57 am
View Likes
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



RoyalHighness has arrived to give a horridly late review!
Okay, so first major nitpick of my review, and one of Royal's Writing Rules (for future reference): any and all punctuation of dialogue must go inside the quotation marks.
I have no idea why this little detail bothers me so much, but I'd suggest you fix it.
Looking back over timmy's review, you've forgotten to make "no-one," two different words.
But let's begin my review with a few minor nitpicks!

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
‘By the way I’m Mercy’ she added, as an afterthought.
Mercy sniggered, ‘You were so freaked’, she teased, knowing full well she was right.


Comma after "Mercy."
Choose between "sniggered," and "teased." You can't have two dialogue attributions for the same dialogue.

I felt sure I hadn’t meant to do that hence why I jumped at the noise. Today Mercy was seething with boiling, overwhelming rage which was ricocheting in my brain like a bullet. My cheeks burned the more annoyed she got. The metaphorical bullet gained momentum and shot to and fro with increasing speed, its feverish pace winding up tension until BANG!


The first sentence is awkward. I'd take out "hence," and re-word the sentence so it looks something like this:
I jumped at the noise– a noise I felt sure I hadn't made.

The second sentence needs a comma after "today," and you should change "was seething," to "seethed," to make the verb active. Same goes for "was ricocheting"– I suggest changing it to "ricocheted."
I'd re-word the third sentence to look something like this:
The more annoyed she got, the more my cheeks burned.

That way you get your point across more clearly, and make the whole sentence a little more active. Just a thought.

Before I knew what she was doing it was too late and with an almighty shove the tree toppled. Squeezing my eyes shut didn’t keep out the clamour of jangling bells and shattering glass decorations that resounded as the tree hit the ground. Promptly the stairs began creaking, signifying footfalls and the presence of my mother

You need a comma after "doing," and after "late," and after "promptly."
Also, I think you need a period after "mother."
Another thing– If Mercy is in control of Layla's body, how is Layla able to close her eyes?

‘And, Layla’, she remarked, ‘Don't you forget it'

You need a period after "it," and make sure to keep it inside that quotation mark! :)


Content
Spoiler! :
This is a great first chapter! You've introduced your characters, you've set up a relationship between them, you've shown both of their personalities through dialogue and description and you've offered a cliffhanging conflict to propel you into the next chapters!
This reminds me a lot of The Host by Stephanie Meyers. I loved that book, and I'm sure I'll love this one!
For next time, I'd keep a close eye on those little grammar and punctuation things. A few are no big deal, but a lot can start adding up. Don't let it hinder your fantastic writing!
You've made me care about the people you've created, and that is not easy for me, as I'm a strangely uncaring person about fictional characters. Great, great job!


Conclusion
You've done a wonderful job! Keep me updated on when the next chapters come out. And keep writing!!




BellaRoma says...


There are 5 parts up and I have character profiles on my blog. Come back whenever you want.



BellaRoma says...


Thanks for the review. I've made some of the changes you suggested. This is going to be a lot better than before. All the changes I missed are getting pointed out.
As to the active voice thing, that might be me trying to keep in the past tense. Poor excuse, I know, but I'm not sure what%u2019s wrong. Am I getting mixed up, or is it more preference? If it's a mix up, then I'll look into it.



User avatar
102 Reviews


Points: 2999
Reviews: 102

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2014 6:00 pm
BellaRoma says...



Okay, so I have gone over this and edited it a bit. Is it better now?




User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:04 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

I know you told me that you wanted the fourth done, but I usually do nitpicks on everything--not just grammar and punctuation, so throwing myself into the pit of Chapter Four would be suicide for me. I would have no idea what is going on!

Anywho, here I am. And here I'll stay. *did not just quote Frozen*

This was a very good first chapter. Full of thought, and doubt, it really sucked me into your character, and your story. I liked the flashbacks--flashbacks that weren't really memories, but more like she was living them in the now. The present. I liked that touch. And the italics worked perfectly, bringing me more into your story rather than pulling me out. I think it was necessary, as it provided an ample break from your present, in the now, pulling me back to the past, where I could stay for a while, unmolested and curious. Thank you for not making this confusing. :)

didn’t know how to describe what occurred, it just was what it was.


That should be two sentences rather than one.

Dwarfed by the reading chair I took in another picture


Comma after "chair"?

Dwarfed by the reading chair I took in another picture book, once again seated in the kindergarten book corner by myself. You can imagine my surprise when my thoughts were interrupted all of a sudden. “You like people in books so much. Why do you never interact with real people?” No-one had spoken to me in that way before. The aggressive way the words were spoken made this voice, so uncannily like my own, sound nothing like mine at the same time. “Wanna play?” this time it wasn’t so harsh, more playfully curious.


What you did here was a big no-no, really. What you have here is dialogue, thrust into the same paragraph, but two individual people talking. When you have two individual people--no matter if its a voice in her head or not--you must have a paragraph break to ensure that you reader doesn't get confused.

“Hey stupid I’m talking to you!”


Comma after "stupid"

Today Mercy was seething


Comma after "today"

Mercy was seething with boiling


"Was seething" is using the passive tone. I would try the active voice, which is "seethed"

Seconds after the mental jolt once I was


I would advise taking out the "once" and adding a comma after "jolt". 'Twould help the fluency.

Calm down’ I pleaded


comma after "down"

consequences for you’ but Mercy couldn’t be reasoned with.


period or comma after "you"

With her self-control restored I was able to


comma after "restored"

No-one would


no-one should be no one


This chapter is in need of some minor touching up, especially concerning the placement of commas, but those are little things, and can be easily ignored if one had such a mind to.

I loved this chapter. Your characters were vivid and believable, and I loved the voice in her head. Every character in every story has such a voice, but few writers actually put it in their stories. Even fewer can pull it off without breaking the fluency of their stories. You are one of those fewer, I think. This was done very well.
~Darth Timmyjake




BellaRoma says...


Thank you.
I can understand if you don't want to review the later but please read them because I have been picking up tips along the way and I think my grammar cleans up. Also this was really a sort of introduction, the action happens next chapter.
I'm not suggesting you go straight to Part 4, what's the point? I could just use the comments on it.



User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 78
Reviews: 26

Donate
Wed Jul 09, 2014 9:43 am
View Likes
Roundsquare wrote a review...



Hello there? Alright let’s get cracking.

You have an excellent concept going on here. A girl who thinks she’s talking to her mind, but could actually be dealing with something even as sinister as a demon.

That said, time for some nit-picking: I bumped into a few run-on sentences, and sentences that sounded incomplete, like they were missing a word or a phrase case in point: “The aggressive way the words were spoken made this voice, so uncannily like my own, yet sound nothing like mine at the same time.”

This sentence may require a ‘yet’ between ‘…my own' and ‘…sound nothing’

Moving on, the phrase “As it happened” is not really necessary. Why not just remove it altogether, so that it reads: “Sifting back through memories I tried to find an equally startling event. Something did come to mind.”

Another thing, it looks like you have a memory in a memory. You didn’t really pull off successfully as I got confused by the time I was reading about the second memory involving the Christmas tree. Instead of taking us to the second memory, why not just in a short sentence say that the last time you heard the voice, the Christmas tree in your living room was toppled?
Moving on: “Promptly the stairs began creaking, signifying footfalls and the presence of my mother”
Why not just say “I heard the stairs creaking with my mother’s weight while she came down.” ?
It sounds sweeter that way, don’t you think?
Moving on, you wrote here: “Her eyes flew to the Christmas tree”

I think it would sound better if you “her gaze descended on the Christmas tree…”

There were more sentences I could have explored but I am out of time, a read through will help you identify them. Just try to keep your sentences short and straight to the point. Anyway, like I said, the concept of this story is great, it’s got me hooked. Good opening paragraph despite all the little things I pointed out.




BellaRoma says...


I put a non-italic section between the flashbacks 'something did come to mind' and that section was back in the present day.
Like I say it gets better.



User avatar
260 Reviews


Points: 15020
Reviews: 260

Donate
Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:50 am
View Likes
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hello! Here I am to review! I am really fascinated by your premise so far, and think that this story could go some really great places.
I'll start with the quibbles:

overwhelming rage which was agitatedly ricocheting in my brain like a bullet. 

'Ricocheting' is already a very strong verb on its own, so it doesn't really need an adverb in front of it. 'Agitatedly' gives a lot of description, but it does ruin the flow a bit and feels a bit awkward and cumbersome, and it isn't necessary to the total meaning of the sentence. I'd also suggest making 'in' to 'about', because it would be better grammatically.

Like being in the passenger seat of a car I was aware of my surroundings just not in control. 

I thought I'd use this as an example that relates to other sentences in this piece, in that it needs commas. There are points in this sentence where pauses naturally occur - after 'car' and after 'surrounding' - that need to be denoted by a comma. As corny as it may sound, it really is worth reading your writing aloud to see where the pauses and breaths are.

What are you doing? Calm down’ I pleaded as a tone of urgency entered my voice. ‘This doesn’t just have consequences for you’ but Mercy couldn’t be reasoned with. ‘Don’t care’ she huffed as she climbed up on the sofa.

Dialogue punctuation is a pretty important thing, but I'm also useless at explaining it. That said, the essential point is new speaker = new line. You also need punctuation at the end of a character's speech - a comma if it's followed by some variation of 'he/she/I said' and a full stop if it's not, and obviously a question mark if it's a question. With proper dialogue punctuation, this paragraph would look something like:
'What are you doing? Calm down!’ I pleaded as a tone of urgency entered my voice. ‘This doesn’t just have consequences for you.’
But Mercy couldn’t be reasoned with. ‘Don’t care,’ she huffed as she climbed up on the sofa.

It's pretty easy to fix once you know the rules, but if you'd like some help I can assist.

. Infuriatingly I was unable to even defend myself for I truly had no clue what occurred in this one most important of moments.

The part in bold is worded kind of strangely, and even though I get what you meant, I think it could be improved. I understand you are trying to work with a voice, but a slight adjustment should improve the clarity.

On the whole, I was really impressed by this piece. It needs some tweaking and editing, for sure, but as far as starts go this is really good. You've given Layla a really good voice that makes great sense with her past. It's a little mystical and very suspenseful.

You have this kind of menacing mixed with innocent mood so far, which I hope you carry on through this story. I can't wait to learn more, and get to know the characters better.

Your figurative language is absolutely brilliant - you have a really great knack for description through metaphor and simile which I hope you continue to use. Your similes aren't clichéed and they add so much meaning to what you're saying in a really original way. They made me really happy. :-)

That's about all I have to say for this piece. Great job, and see you when I review chapter 2!




User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 5846
Reviews: 232

Donate
Fri Jun 20, 2014 5:47 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hey! Here as requested! Sorry I'm a bit late :3

Anyways~

Wow- so I love your style of writing, it kinda reflects on Layla's personality a bit, you know? The writing makes her sound tough, even though a kindergartener probably isn't tough unless they're magical or something. :3 But yeah, I love your writing style! Along with that, your vocabulary is pretty built up too!

I found a couple errors, like Christmas not being capitalized and punctuation missing in dialogue, but I quick read through could easily fix those little mistakes up.

I loved the second-to-last paragraph, where she is describing that static and hard to understan/hear stuff and how she didn't think about the sinister-ness at all, yet it did have a kind of cold feeling.

I didn't find much of a problem with this chapter, besides the fact that it's in first person and this girl's in kindergarten, and she's talking pretty formally, but then again, it makes the story good when it's written better. :3 (Also, is it back it time, and maybe is she older, but talkin abou when she's young?)

Nice work, though! Great job!

~WillowPaw1~




BellaRoma says...


Thank you.
To answer your last question, you got it in one. Later in the storyline Layla is 17 years old. As to the vocab I guess I wanted her to sound intelligent for her age.



WillowPaw1 says...


Oh, okay. :)



BellaRoma says...


Thanks again for reviewing. I'll definitely look at something of yours.



User avatar
1125 Reviews


Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125

Donate
Tue May 20, 2014 4:07 pm
View Likes
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Oh hey! So here I am, reading this chapter since I accidentally thought the other one was the first one.

So again, I really like this. Mercy is so sinister and I'm really impressed by that! I don't know if I have much to fault this on - again, I'm not so sure about the opening paragraph, I think that I would prefer a cold open into the kindergarten scene. Speaking of - you mention "reading chair" "picture book" "book corner" an awful lot in that paragraph, it gets a bit repetitive so maybe whittle it down - it doesn't have to be both a reading chair and a book corner!

I think one of the main issues I would have with this is the involvement of parents and teachers in Layla's case. Is she talking out loud or in her head would be a big question that I'd like to know as a reader and is anybody noticing if it's out loud? The other thing regards Layla being reluctant to tell anyone because she doesn't think she'd believe them - she's five years old. I'm pretty sure that most five year olds have complete trust in their mums, and if Layla was scared, wouldn't she say it? I think that actually, it could be a lot more effective and scary if Mercy was the one who persuaded her that nobody would believe her - and because of that, Layla never mentions it. But this could just be personal preference, because I kind of think that the whole "They wouldn't believe me" excuse is always a silly one not to tell somebody when somebody's hurting you.

As well, I think that the Christmas tree scene - I'd love to hear some more description of the Christmas Tree, both before and after it falls, give us a real sense of what just happened.

But overall, I really enjoyed this! Nice job.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




BellaRoma says...


She talks to Mercy in her head. The feel I get is a split personality. Mercy sort of spawned off what was already there. She's an enigma, yes it's kind of sinister but she is not the antagonist. He's going to be properly introduced next chapter. I'll say no more.



User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 24

Donate
Sun May 18, 2014 1:02 am
thundereagle wrote a review...



haha whoops, not long enough to be a review. never done this before, do i just say what i think? well here goes.
personally i like funny books the best, but you have some good stuff in here.
i like how you do that time line thing about different experiences with mercy. sort of like the beginning of the wolverine movie.




User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 24

Donate
Sun May 18, 2014 12:55 am
thundereagle says...



this is pretty cool man, it reminds me of fight club.




User avatar
347 Reviews


Points: 25558
Reviews: 347

Donate
Sat May 17, 2014 5:05 pm
View Likes
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi BellaRoma xD 



Olive here to review your chapter! I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both me and you.



Here goes!

I love the phrase ‘they stuck like damp clothes’. You’ve already got me interested in what kind of writer you’re going to be.

I think you need to separate the different voices of speech with a new line. It’s not confusing in anyway, it would just look neater & clearly laid out.

The situation reminded me of the overlap between radio stations when the frequencies get too close. You know; static and white noise dipping in and out as the signals run over each other.


- Fabulous way of describing how you see your characters to the readers. I hate it when authors think that we’re automatically just going to ‘get’ something that they’ve created. Good job.

I feel like you need an extra sentence at the end. What is the one thing she doesn’t know about herself? Is it how far will Mercy go to get what she wants? Does she have the ability to control Mercy before it’s too late?



By adding a question in there at the end, it will make the ending so much more powerful and drag your reader into wanting to read more. To answer the said question etc.

Overall - I really like this idea! I think it’s interesting and not something I’ve really read before on this site. I think the idea of someone inside fighting to get out through your conscious is brilliant.

There are many different ways you could take this.



BUT you need to be careful about your backstory. Make it solid. How did Mercy get there? Who is she? Why did she choose Layla? Make that backstory so any question a reader could possibly ask you about Mercy, you can answer it in a heartbeat.



GOOD LUCK! :) Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on anything. I look forward to reading the next part!

#00BF00 ">

Olive <3




BellaRoma says...


Thanks for reviewing, I do need some pointers. As to the backstory thing, I said that it was somewhere near the beginning. I myself am not straight yet. You know the incident I mentioned? That was the thing she didn't know because she can't remember. I am writing the chapter about it now. Maybe it'll be clearer then.



BellaRoma says...


Hope you enjoy :-)
Feedback anyone?



OliveDreams says...


I'll post this on my wall! Hopefully you'll get some more reviews. :D



BellaRoma says...


Thanks so much




Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle