Triden

Note: prologue for my story Triden, enjoy. :D

TRIDEN

Legends of Luroan

Long ago in the time of desolation. When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of distruction stood fast in the land of Angrom, when Luroan the god of greatness came to Angrom he killed Tarew, but Degnur escped and hid in the ruins of Naor where he stumbled into a ancient time spell from another age which froze him in time.

Eons later the spell having withered away released Degnur back into the world,(long after the rebearth of the planet) Luroan (being a god who can't die) attacked before Degnur could recover, and Luroan after being mortally(or imortaly) wounded was able to kill Degnur (Gods can't be killed they can only be severed from their conection to the world of mortality.)

Luroan died from his wounds and he whent up to his fathers kingdom, Degnur's soul lingered and he began to sumoun his evil minions from Duthrenar the place where Tarew had gone after being 'Severed', They attacked human villages pilaging and burning them down, and in the north in the shadow glades they began to build a giant army to crush any resistance, Luroan was desperate to save his creation's so he blessed a group of men and women who became The Light Bringers, blessed with the powers of Luroan, Alone holding the balance agains the darkness creeping over the land.

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Points: 253238
Reviews: 4095

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Fri Jul 09, 2021 11:07 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Long ago in the time of desolation. When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of distruction stood fast in the land of Angrom, when Luroan the god of greatness came to Angrom he killed Tarew, but Degnur escped and hid in the ruins of Naor where he stumbled into a ancient time spell from another age which froze him in time.

Well, as far as prologues go, this one reads a bit like some form of legend or folk story almost, which is definitely a fun vibe so there's nothing wrong with it sounding like that. We've got two brothers, one being killed and one being trapped, definitely makes for an interesting start here.

Eons later the spell having withered away released Degnur back into the world,(long after the rebearth of the planet) Luroan (being a god who can't die) attacked before Degnur could recover, and Luroan after being mortally(or imortaly) wounded was able to kill Degnur (Gods can't be killed they can only be severed from their conection to the world of mortality.)

On one hand I see why the bits and pieces about how gods tend to work had to be included in there...they definitely help out in understanding this world here..but also, it does kind of interfere with the overall flow of the piece here so you might want to reconsider how you inform the readers about those details there.

At any rate, this was an interesting little skirmish here in this first chapter, still continuing with a relatively folk talish vibe here.

Luroan died from his wounds and he whent up to his fathers kingdom, Degnur's soul lingered and he began to sumoun his evil minions from Duthrenar the place where Tarew had gone after being 'Severed', They attacked human villages pilaging and burning them down, and in the north in the shadow glades they began to build a giant army to crush any resistance, Luroan was desperate to save his creation's so he blessed a group of men and women who became The Light Bringers, blessed with the powers of Luroan, Alone holding the balance agains the darkness creeping over the land.

Hmm, well that was a fun ending there...you can see how the situations descends into being a bit of a loss for both sides of this little war and it looks like the powers of the dark and the light spread down towards minions and people and...this is going to end up continuing into a battle between them I see. Its a pretty nice ending to this prologue here. You've certainly done a pretty good job getting our attention and setting up the story here. This seems like something I'll read at any rate.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Points: 87
Reviews: 16

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Sat May 31, 2014 9:20 pm

Crunch wrote a review...

It definitely sounds like an intriguing premise. I can see a lot of potential in this piece, and the different concepts about severing the gods' mortal connections instead of actually being killed is very creative.

There are grammar and spelling mistakes throughout, however.

Long ago in the time of desolation.

Long ago in the time of desolation... what, exactly? This is a subordinate clause, so just replace the period with a comma to combine it with the next sentence and you'll be good to go.

Long ago in the time of desolation, when Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of distruction (it's actually DEstruction, by the way) stood fast in the land of Angrom...

Next issue:

When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of distruction stood fast in the land of Angrom, when Luroan the god of greatness came to Angrom he killed Tarew...

If you say "When (blank), when (blank), when (blank)," in a sentence, I would normally expect them to all be descriptions.

When all was quiet in the mist-filled graveyard, when all nature's creatures except the bat and the owl had succumbed to exhaustion, when everything was at the culmination of silence... the dirt above a long-ago-rotted coffin shifted ever so slightly.

Such as something like that.

"When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of distruction stood fast in the land of Angrom,"

There's one 'when' clause.

"when Luroan the god of greatness came to Angrom he killed Tarew..."

Wait, that's strange. Your second 'when' is an action instead of a description, Luroan killing Tarew. Did you mean to do something like this?

"When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of destruction stood fast in the land of Angrom, when Luoran the god of greatness came to Angrom, he killed Tarew..."

Notice the comma between 'Angrom' and 'he'. This makes it clear that the preceding statement is a subordinate clause. By adding a small separation between the two clauses, it will avoid confusing the reader, since it's sort of common to do three 'when' clauses in the same sentence.

I hope that makes sense.

Reading through the rest of the paragraphs, I see that some commas between clauses and phrases need to be added, period, while others (in my opinion) should be added to avoid a choppy feeling when it's being read. There are also a couple of other comma splices where a period should be used. For example, instead of...

Luroan died from his wounds and he whent up to his fathers kingdom, Degnur's soul lingered and he began to sumoun his evil minions from Duthrenar the place where Tarew had gone after being 'Severed', They attacked human villages pilaging and burning them down, and in the north in the shadow glades they began to build a giant army to crush any resistance, Luroan was desperate to save his creation's so he blessed a group of men and women who became The Light Bringers, blessed with the powers of Luroan, Alone holding the balance agains the darkness creeping over the land.

... try adding some commas, and also remove some commas where periods should be placed. The same goes with a few of the apostrophes - some needed where they're not, some not where they're needed.

Luoran died from his wounds, and he went up to his father's kingdom. Dengur's soul lingered, and he began to summon his evil minions from Duthrenar, the place where Tarew had gone after being 'Severed'. They attacked human villages, pillaging and burning them down, and in the north, in the shadow glades, they began to build a giant army to crush any resistance. Luroan was desperate to save his creations, so he blessed a group of men and women who became The Light Bringers, blessed with the powers of Luroan, alone holding the balance against the darkness creeping over the land.

Of course, this is your piece of writing, so if you want to leave no separation between the interrupter clauses (such as "Eons later the spell having worn away released Dengur..."), then that's your choice. It works fine in moderation, but separating the majority of the subordinate and appositive clauses out for the reader would be best to keep the flow going.

These are a couple of useful articles if you want help using commas and apostrophes.
Apostrophe's
Commas

The latter is a must-read for any aspiring writer, in my opinion.

Thanks for taking the time to read,

-Crunch

Points: 11589
Reviews: 229

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Sat May 31, 2014 8:41 pm

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SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...

Well, this if fantasy (which I love), it was in the green room, and it's nice and short so I thought it would be perfect if I reviewed this. ^^

Okay, so I was reading through this and I noticed that you had a ton of grammar mistakes, such as misspellings, the absence of commas when they were needed, missing spaces, and incorrect use of punctuation. It's a lot to start off with, but I'll do my best to walk through it briefly but thoroughly... if that's possible XD

First off commas, this falls into the concept of flow. You know when you read a book out loud how you sometimes have dramatic pauses at certain moments or when separating ideas that are kinda related? Well that's you inserting a comma when it's needed, commas kinda just pop up when needed and normally do what they want on their own, if you read it aloud that is. Try and read through your prologue and see where you pause, most likely a comma will go there. Of course, if you're unsure whether a period should go there, ask yourself if any "fanboys" follow the pause.

f = for
a = and
n = nor
b = but
o = or
y = yet
s = so

If any of those words follow the pause, then you will be using a comma. There are some moments when authors purposely start sentence with "and" or "but", but this is a nice simple rule that you should stick to until you feel comfortable with commas. There are also times when these words aren't used but a comma still leads, that means the idea of the two clauses are the same. Here's an example from your story.

Long ago in the time of desolation. When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur

Both of those have the same idea to them so they should be a single sentence. I also saw that you made the first paragraph just two sentences, watch out for run on sentences. If your reader is reading this out loud they will suffocate.

Spaces, well those are pretty easy to pick out. If you see a space missing somewhere then just insert it. There should be 1 space between each or or separate symbol.

You have capitals that shouldn't be there, I'm sure you know the rules and you might think it doesn't matter, but when it comes to grammatical errors it's preferred if those are fixed. Of course if you don't speak English as your first language then the errors are understandable. Just make sure you capitalize correctly ^^

So I'm going to point out some of the words you misspelled, I hope it helps if you didn't know how to spell them, you can always run spell check if you use Microsoft Word otherwise.

distruction = destruction
escped = escaped
rebearth = rebirth
imortaly = immortally
conection = connection
whent = went
fathers = father's (the father owns the kingdom calling for an apostrophe)
sumoun = summon
pilaging = pillaging
creation's = creations (they don't own anything and this isn't a conjunction)

Okay! Now time to move on from the grammar, there were some writing things I would like to address.

1 Show and don't tell. If you read this you'll see you're basically telling a list of things that happened over time. I can see why you would do that considering it's a brief overview, but that makes things so boring

This is fantasy, so add some visuals of what might have happened when he discovered the spell, I guess what I'm trying to say is make it dramatic so that the readers can kinda see it. Fantasy also tends to be a bit dramatic when it comes to prologues, so that's perfect.

2 Add more details, don't be afraid to go all out. Rambling on a bit is better than telling it so short that it's like you just slapped your reader with information. Kinda go slow, draw it out a bit and you might be able to get some length on this. (There's nothing bad about it being short, some people prefer long prologues though, so making it medium would be good)

3 There's something people call "name-dropping" which a lot of fantasy stories do. It's hard to avoid, and I admit, I do it a ton too. Name-dropping is when you say lots of really cool sounding words or phrases, people or places, but you drop so many that your reader gets overwhelmed. Imagine if someone was dropping chocolate (or something you like) onto you, but then it all came out of the sky and became a mountain on top of you. Try and spread the times those things are introduced throughout the story, or, throughout your chapter. (This is hard, I know u.u)

Okay, looking back I sound pretty harsh :/ I don't mean to scold you, this was pretty good, but everything, even published books, need work. This is just the rough draft and that's fine, overall this was pretty good!

(P.S. I've actually read some interviews with authors and some of them dread having to hand it in to their editor, they say they wrote something to be told to rewrite it, so rewriting's sadly a necessity. I know O_O I'm rewriting my story right now DX)

Keep writing! If you want another review post on my review thread! You can find the link on my about page ^^

Sushi

Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

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Sat May 31, 2014 8:34 pm

SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hello Jona, Wolf here for a review.

First off some technical issues.

Long ago in the time of desolation. When Tarew the god of evil and his brother Degnur the god of distruction stood fast in the land of Angrom...

So the story starts off with a clause, and then just put a random period. I was very confused at this. I assume it was meant to combine these two parts. If so it would go something like:
"Long ago in the time of desolation, Tarew the God of evil... the God of destruction... land of Angrom.

The next sentence also has some issues. There are two dependent clauses smashed together. If you change what I suggested for the first part, that issue can easily be fixed, but a comma will have to be added there after 'came to Angoram'. (Don't forget to capitalize God when it is said.)

Also, try to avoid using parenthesis in an actual work. It gets very confusing where the sentence is going, with the starts and stops randomly throughout. Also the sentence of the second paragraph seems very contradictory. The very next sentence said, '...died from his wounds...' Maybe reword that, and yes, I do agree Gods are supposed to be immortal, so death wouldn't be the word to use.

There are some strange and awkwardly worded sentences, but this is an easy fix. I would recommend to read this aloud to yourself and if something doesn't seem right, change it. Other than that, I like this topic. Gods, even made up ones, have always fascinated me. I like the unique spin you put on this to call it your own. Nice Job! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Points: 611
Reviews: 10

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Sat May 31, 2014 7:29 pm

Rapunzel321 wrote a review...

I really liked the fact that you was able to use your own imagination to create your own 'good vs. evil" fantasy land. I'm all for the good side beating the evil side and happily ever after, but while reading your story I kinda got a little lost. I had to keep making sure I was associated each person with the right side.
On the plus side it left me wanting more. I want to know what happens next; pleas don't say what ever you want. I want you to tell me what happens next. Even though it's a small story it's very entertaining and I would love to read more.

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